LET ME SEE YOUR GOLDEN GLOBES a/k/a Grading the graders of the red carpet

January 14, 2013

Good start of the week to everyone forever and ever.

I hope you had a wonderful weekend. A weekend filled with you filling things like your holes or someone elses. It’s the simple pleasures that are the best.

My weekend was good. I watched 3 of the best football games I think I can ever remember. Wow were they something. The team I wanted to win those games at the beginning of those games did not win, but two of the teams really changed my opinion on them and one team did what they had had had HAD to do. Then there were the Patriots and they can suck on all the eggs. All of them. As for the Ravens really sold me on themselves as well as San Francisco. I thought San Francisco and Baltimore were banged up, but I guess the fuck not. San Fran looked magnificent and the Ravens looked gritty. I liked it. I can’t be too mad that either are in it because both teams played their balls off to win on Saturday. As for the Falcons, they started strong and they made that final drive, but I never wanted them to win for a second. I was rooting for the Legend of Boom aka the Seattle Seahawks who are so damn exciting. And then there were the Patriots and them sucking those eggs again.

By the way, if you are out in the world reading football articles this week and they question Peyton Manning in the Ravens game on if Peyton is not clutch or not a playoff QB or any of that. That person who wrote that or voiced that opinion didn’t watch that game and doesn’t know a fucking thing about football. The Broncos’ defense, specifically their secondary, got TORCHED on Saturday. They were used and abused and should be ashamed of themselves. Terrible performance by the Broncos cornerbacks and safeties. Horrendous game and they cost the Broncos the game.

I also watched some fights this weekend that were quite enjoyable. Probably the best fight was the last fight and the only fight that wasn’t one-sided. In the main event with the Strikeforce welterweight title on the line, Tarec Saffiendine butchered then champion Nate Marquardt’s left leg. In the only upset on the main card, Tarec destroyed Nate’s lead leg with outside and inside leg kicks and took control of the championship fight and won the belt after the 5 round decision was read. Kudos to Marquardt for never giving in. He continued to fight regardless of this…

As Pat Miletich called it, “That leg is trash”. Unreal. But Nate continued to fight to keep his belt, but in the end Tarec’s ability to cause that much damage and other damage made him the winner that night. Great performance by Tarec.

So… now that you’ve finished throwing up from Nate’s leg.

LET’S LOOK AT SOME PRETTY CELEBRITIES!!!!!!!

Who knew Katherine McPhee could be such a crowd pleaser? Oh wait, she wasn’t singing she was just showing off her boobs? Ok I get it now. I don’t know much about Katherine McPhee, but I do know she must have some really nice boobs because of that phenomenal TV clip of Tyra Banks just stretching out and honking Katherine’s boobs on Tyra’s TV show. So, they must be a nice set of boobs if Tyra just can’t keep her hands off of them. In this dress, you get the chance to see some inside side boob, which is nice. People loved this dress. I can see why. It’s black and sleek and sexy and McPhee’s boobs are partially showing and they look like if they were completely showing they would be nice. Meanwhile, we’ll get to Jessica Chastain later who wore a dress with a similar idea, but it did not work out as well.

J-LAW! I’m sure she could wear anything and she would look hot in it. Jennifer has a body on her. How do I know that? Well, I looked at her with my eyes, but also she did recently play a character whose wardrobe is blue body paint. She played a younger version of Rebecca Romijn who if I recall correctly was a swimsuit supermodel and then Jennifer Lawrence played a younger version of her. So, just dress this chick in anything that is remotely form fitting in some area and it will work. If I had to pick a specific area: the upper torso with the boobs. I bet from the side you get some solid sideboob action. The dress as a whole? Jennifer has pulled off red before. The thin belt around the middle breaks up some of the monotony. I read someone online saying that they wouldn’t have liked this dress on almost anyone else. Agreed. Chick pulls it off.

And she’s a great actress already. Glad and obvious that she won the award for Silver Linings Playbook. I think she should win best actress at the oscars too. Especially, since I just saw “Zero Dark Thirty” last night. Chastain does dick compared to Jennifer Lawrence. I really wasn’t into ZDT. It felt very similar to The Hurt Locker in many ways – it was good, but so specific and I never want to see it again – but I thought the Hurt Locker was better. ZDT is random and has almost no dialogue that makes you care or know about the people you’re watching do whatever it is that they’re so good at doing. I didn’t like a lot of the interactions in Hurt Locker and I really didn’t like a lot of the interactions in ZDT. To say that it was “bad” would be incorrect. It wasn’t “bad”. It just wasn’t all that good. It was good. Was it great? No. I didn’t think Hurt Locker was “great” and I think Hurt Locker was a lot closer to being great than ZDT. I’ll say this, it looked like the movie it should’ve been. It LOOKED like it. But it didn’t sound like it and it didn’t necessarily have the content of the movie it should have been. After what did feel like 3 hours, I felt like the movie they made needed to be about 2 hours longer to explain a lot of it. I didn’t want to watch 2 more hours, but the movie needed 2 more hours to explain whatever they think they explained. Namely, WHO THE FUCK WAS JESSICA CHASTAIN? It would’ve been nice if they explained WHO THE FUCK THE MAIN CHARACTER WAS, but they didn’t. Maybe next time…

Let me start by saying Jessica Chastain is a beautiful woman with tiny pink nipples and I do enjoy her as an actress. The problem with this dress is that it makes it look like her tiny pink nipples are on the tip of some long, saggy, old lady teets that hang out around waist line. If you look at the dress, you get that feeling. If you look in the preview window in the middle of the dress, you’ll notice her perky boobs are actually way up top where they should be, but the dress suggests otherwise. Also, I don’t really like the hair thing. It looks like they spend a good deal of time combing the second half of her hair and just slicked back the top of her head. It’s too baggy. This whole dress is just baggy for no reason. Anyway, tiny pink nipples and I don’t think you should’ve been nominated. I’m sorry, but I’m anxious to see you in something that puts any amount of emphasis in presenting your character as a character we’re going to learn about instead of just be stuck with.

Is it just me or does it look like Lena Dunham is butt-fucking-nekkid and standing behind a cardboard cutout of a dress? Just me? Remember those clothes swapping toys or wall magnets of a cutout of a person in a pose and then all the different clothes can be put on top and they’re in that exact position the static person is in? That’s Lena Dunham apparently. She never appears comfortable in any of her clothes or the clothes always appear to be uncomfortable on her. What’s happening? Fire whoever did this to you. I’ve seen some pictures of Snooki where she looked normal and even when I met Snooki she looked normal, so why can’t they do the same for Lena? She could look good in a dress where it looks like she’s actually wearing the dress. Right? I don’t know.

Claire Danes had a baby immediately before the taking of this photo and immediately after it as well. She literally did have a baby a month ago and this is what she looks like. Either she is wearing industrial grade spanx or she gained only the exact weight necessary to house said baby and then lost it all in the actual delivering of the baby. Also, this dress kind of looks like the dress Jennifer Lawrence once wore to the Oscars. It works. She looks great.

Was Megan Fox nominated for showing her wonderful boobs in a bra in “This is 40”? Who would’ve guessed Megan Fox would be invited to these things. Oh she looked good? Yeah, no shit. She’s Megan FOX. Anyway, she had a baby not too long ago, right? I can’t keep track of all these babies.

Jennifer Garner looks a little confused in this picture in the exact proportions that I look confused looking at this picture. I don’t think she looks bad, but I don’t really like this dress. I feel like I could easily see this design being on a purse in the 80’s or now as a throwback to the 80’s. I feel like Garner is usually confused about what to wear. She’s got a great body, but she doesn’t really have that I’m a slutty celebrity vibe about her that frankly almost all of them have. For whatever reason, Jennifer Garner appears to me as confident woman. I do find that odd considering the job that she has. But she comes across to me as being a very strong confident woman. And in that, she’s kind of not fully into looking like a simple sex star like the rest. Getting a little too psychological in a sense. Kind of wish she made like a great movie.

Not to say Amanda lacks confidence, but she’s the opposite of what I was saying about Jennifer Garner in the looking sexy department. She looks like a perfectly created sex robot. If you were creating a robot sex vixen it would be Amanda Seyfried. She wants IT. She knows how to look like she wants IT. Also, I guess she could be slightly drunk. She did admit to getting buzzed before doing things like this. Maybe she’s feeling a little loose in the caboose and being around so many attractive people. It’s pretty much a copped feel away from being the best looking orgy ever.

EAT!!!! EAT ANYTHING!!!! AND LOTS OF IT!!!! YOU NEED TO NOURISH YOURSELF!!!! NOURISH YOUR BOOBS!!!! We all know that Anne Hathaway has nice boobs or at least the potential for them because she’s shown them in like 100 movies and God bless her for that. The problem is is that boobs needs to be fed to continue looking good and she’s not feeding them. How does she look more malnourished in this picture than she did in all of Les Miserables? She is a fucking stick in this picture. The long skinny thin white dress and her now lightbulb head followed by those odd lampshades in the background, make her look like an actual lamp. FIX YOURSELF, ANNE. She looks amazing in The Dark Knight Rises, but she doesn’t necessarily need to get back in athletic shape. Just get back into A shape that’s not anorexic. Do it for yourself. Do it for us. Do it for your boobs.

Halle Berry does no wrong.

Also, fucking thigh.

Single and ready to mingle. I like this.

I was/am a huge UCB fan and honestly I don’t think I’ll ever get over that Amy Poehler was attractive and since UCB she gets more attractive. On the UCB, they made her look ridiculous and terrible almost 99% of the time. Who would’ve guessed a good looking blonde had been underneath all that stuff. Of course, I understood how funny and talented she was first. SNL only showed me that she was hot.

Tina Fey kind of looks great no matter what, but I was hoping for something different. Specifically, you guessed it – boobs. If you’ve seen Tina in almost every other awards show, she is showing them thangs off. Even in the commercials for the Golden Globes, she’s got that high collar and low neck line, just kind of strutting them. So, when it comes time for the show? Well, we’re getting a shit ton of clavicle. Sweet? Like we’re getting as much upper chest and clavicle and shoulders and arms and neck as possible, which is great, but she’s kind of hiding her boobs. And we all know how much those boobs like to be shown off and how much we like seeing them. She looks great in just about anything, but I wish the anything this time was of the cleavage inducing variety that it normally is.

Fuck yeah, J. Lo.

You want me to show up at a fancy awards show? How about I stencil a doily on a nude body stocking? BOOM! Honestly, she looks fantastic in the way that J. Lo was once the hottest chick on the run way and still can be like 10 years later. Good for her. She’s also dating a 12 year old Hispanic boy child, so good for her?

Honestly, Jessica Alba could wear anything and she would look hot. She’s just an actual gorgeous human being. She can’t act all that much, but she’s gorgeous. She could dress up in my clothes and walk a runway looking hot. I don’t know why she’s beheaded a character from Fraggle Rock to be her purse, but that’s a unique choice and I’m glad in a way she made it.

When Nicole Richie is curvier than Anne Hathaway then you know Anne Hathaway has a problem. I can’t remember who Anne Hathaway is dating or married to, but he’s a fucking weirdo and/or he has absolutely no say in their relationship. Either he likes when Anne looks more like a 12 year old boy than when she looks like nice set of boobs and butt having woman and/or Anne Hathaway has body issues. Let me make you dinner and then a second dinner and then probably a third. Anyway, Nicole looks good. No clue why she’s there, but good nonetheless.

Marion Cotillard is a beautiful and talented woman. She apparently helped design this dress. Marion Cotlillard should not design anymore dresses for herself.

Dame Helen Mirren looks great and looks completely doable here as always.

But I would like for you to focus your attention on the crazed lecherous old man in the background who looks like he just escaped an old folks home and is hump walking his way towards the always attractive Mirren. Live it up, buddy!

I rewatched “Layer Cake” the other day. I really thought Sienna Miller was going to be really famous for awhile. Not that she was so good in that movie, but she was hot and she had the look of someone who would be in a lot of movies for years to come… but… I was wrong. I didn’t even recognize this was her and minus what she looks like in Layer Cake, I don’t think I would recognize her ever.

Layer Cake’s a good movie though. If you like Daniel Craig and you want to see him in a good movie then try it out.

Adele being Adele.

No one is more Adele than Adele.

I just found out the other day that Emily Blunt has gotten nude in a movie(s).

The more you know, right? What a great world this internet is? “My Summer of Love”, check it out. She’s also an 8 years younger Emily Blunt at that. I would be perfectly cool seeing a present time Emily Blunt naked, but 8 years ago works too.

Not going to lie, I think all actresses and actors should get naked at some point or even more than some point and do it all the time. Why not? Sure, it’s about you being a good “actor”, but it’s also almost entirely about you being attractive enough that we want you to be a good actor. I don’t think we would sit around watching the evolution of an ugly actor. So, get naked, guys and gals.

I hope she’s happy with this because the rest of us aren’t.

Although, she is showing some nice cleavage, it’s like it’s undead cleavage. Like I’m looking at near zombie cleavage. Call me crazy, but I don’t want to sex a zombie. And I don’t vote for people who do either. It’s a hard line political item to me.

She is fucking freaky and I kind of love it. To me, this is what “Dune” should’ve always looked like. If we’re remaking “Dune” then Julianne Hough is in it or at least getting a special thanks for inspiring some of the looks. She’s got the blue enhanced spice eyes, the gold specks is the spice, and she looks like she’s possibly from the future or a hot alien with the haircut and the fucking seriousness. She’s so serious.

Man, I wish I didn’t think the book “Dune” was completely impossible to read or enjoy.

Tay Swift, so fierce. Always so fierce. I think it’s because she’s very angular that she’s so fierce. Plus she’s surrounded by all her fairytale romances and she wants to get one of them inside her or at the very least make them think that and then string them a long into this “relationship” which ends poorly. She’s at least got one fish biting, the chick in the green dress in the back. I wonder if Taylor has thought about becoming a lesbian. She might be better off. Her taste in men is absolutely off. Maybe she’ll have an easier time finding a woman who will want to marry her within a week and get that white picket fence and half a dozen golden retrievers and host a weekly book club.

Hayden is so tiny that that is her iphone in her hand and not her purse. She’s itty bitty. I could fit her in my pocket. Like any of them. Maybe even my shirt pocket. We could have conversations while she curls up in there and I feed her a grape or a Ritz cracker which she can eat for days because she’s so small. We could spend an afternoon picking out a matchbox car that she could drive.

Helena is so Helena.

No one is more Helena than Helena.

I bet that Tim Burton does a very eerie and utterly creepy impression of Helena at dinner parties and it makes you think that they’re actually a transgender couple.

I HATE GEORGE CLOONEY.

Amy Adams is beautiful and it also looks like she’s an entirely nude mermaid whose nipples, belly button, and vagina were airbrushed out. Pretty cool, right?

I’ve been talking about boobs for awhile – my whole life – and I just want to show an example of what you’re not supposed to do with them and what you are supposed to do with them…

First…

You’re not supposed to suffocate your boobs in a disco ball. Bad, Emily Mortimer.

Second…

You are supposed to let your boobs breathe life and grow in the sunlight and be worshipped by all the living things on this planet and all the others in the universe.

Generally speaking, I like it. It looks like an instagram photo turned into a dress, but it works.

Also, Lucy Liu doesn’t really age. She’s possibly a vampire.

Lea Michelle wants IT.

This could also have a place in my “Dune” movie.

As well as this…

I HATE DAX SHEPARD!

I don’t know dick about dresses, but I think this would look nice if there were some black accents on it. Whatever the Hell black accents means, but I think that’s the appropriate word usage.

Jodie Foster could be in the “Dune” movie too.

Don’t lose that dress, Jodie.

FUCK.

Salma is turning 47 this year.

The first time I remember seeing Salma was in “Desperado” in 1995. That’s going on 18 years that I would cut my left foot off for like a half hour lingering hug from Salma Hayek.

Errrrrr… why?

Zosia Mamet is so Zosia Mamet.

No one is more Zosia Mamet than Zosia Mamet.

Not really a fan of this dress either. Who dressed the girls from “Girls”?

How can someone slightly screw up dressing Allison Williams? Seems impossible.

And finally…

Blossom.

To me this looks like a confirmation dress or more appropriately possibly an updated version of the dress she wore at her Bat-Mitzvah. I’m just saying this looks a little like a dress a kid might wear for some dressy kind of occasion where you let them dress like an adult, but it’s not showing anything because that would be weird since they’re a kid.

Either way, Mayim is currently single and I hope she broom-closet fucked some assistant director on “Game of Thrones”.

GOLDEN GLOBES! WOOOOO!!! Didn’t watch a second of them. And if you’re killing yourself to go see “Zero Dark Thirty”… don’t.

2 Responses to “LET ME SEE YOUR GOLDEN GLOBES a/k/a Grading the graders of the red carpet”

  1. Kim said

    Thank you! I love your fashion wrap-ups after awards shows! And you couldn’t be more right about Adele and Helena!

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