Who Wants To Start “Catfish”-ing People On The Interwebz?

January 16, 2013

I DO!

What’s up, everyone?

The past several nights of my life have been spent watching episodes of the new MTV show “Catfish”. And, I WANT IN!

My new retroactive New Year’s Resolution is to get so many stupid people thinking they’re dating a supermodel on the internet for absolutely no good reason whatsoever. It seems absolutely hilarious. It also seems remarkably easy to do because people do not question anything nor do they have any clue how to use the internet any better than a lab monkey. So, let’s go CATFISHING!!!!!

I saw the movie “Catfish” in theaters, I believe opening night in NYC. Randomly, the stars of Catfish were there, so that means I did get to see the dreamy-eyed, boy about town, Nev in person talking about the old Catfishing that happened to him. I really liked the movie and, for obvious reasons, thought it was especially cool having the people in the theater giving an impromptu Q & A session following the movie making even more of a personal connection to the viewing audience.

I wish that happened with every movie you saw. A surprise question and answer session with the people who made it. After “Lincoln”, I would have said to Spielberg that he shouldn’t have changed the names of the dissenting voters. After “This Means War”, I would have stabbed McG in the eye with a sharpened soda straw. After “Jack Reacher”, I would have given Christopher McQuarrie a lingering hug and gently rubbed his shoulders for carrying all that weight of good screenwriting. It must be metaphorically so heavy to be talented. You know?

Anyway…

Danielle and I got into watching “Catfish” and the first night we watched 3 episodes. I wasn’t 100% sure if all the episodes were like this, but the three that night (episodes 5, 6, and 7) all followed the same pattern…

Two people become way too involved with each other chatting on Facebook for months on end. The one person looks like a model; the other person looks like a pig person. Let me clarify, that in comparison to each other – they look like different species of human beings. Both are clearly human beings, but one is clearly much more advanced physically speaking than the other. As if there were two people doing a math problem and the first person was doing calculus and the other was struggling with 5 – 3 = ? Technically, both doing math, but not the same math. You dig?

Anyway…

The pig person contacts the TV show “Catfish” to help them meet the model because the pig person has no money whatsoever to pay for gas or a flight to go see that model person they’ve been saying “I love u” to for months on end. Apparently, said pig person has made as many egregious errors with their financial portfolio as they have with their clothes, fitness, and face. It appears that most pig people just live in a state of pseudo squalor which affords them just enough to survive and own a phone, but no money whatsoever to possibly spend on a long car ride or a short flight to go see possibly the LOVE OF THEIR FUCKING LIFE.

Meanwhile, the pig person’s “love” interest who is clearly a HOT PIECE OF ASS has also made questionable decisions in life – besides falling head over heels for a pig person on the internet – which has ill-afforded them the money needed to purchase a simple piece of webcam technology. They either do not have an actual webcam or do not have the ability to get a smart phone with video chat capability. This is a tad surprising since many of these flawlessly attractive people also have quite lucrative jobs that one would think would provide them enough money for a shitty webcam or a smart phone or anything. But I digress…

Cut to: the “Catfish” guys show up. Nev is the Jewish one who listens and understands and gives great hugs. He also sweats a lot because he has a prolific amount of body hair. It’s a swelling of a Miracle Grow amount of rough mohair that has accumulated right at the center of his body, but none whatsoever on his shoulders or neck or back. There’s also Max who is there to more or less support Nev and be there to talk to Nev because the real camera men are too focused on filming to talk or they’re not allowed to talk. Max has so much hair and at the same time it’s the hair of a 50 year old man. His hair can be worn in many many disheveled ways. It’s quite pliable. Max is the unwanted unholy love child of eclectic New York filmmaker Jim Jarmusch and 1980’s Richard Gere’s nose and pursed lips.

After a short visit with the pig person and hearing their absolutely fucking ridiculous story as to why they are for no good reason dating an actual model on the internet who more often than not went out of their way to start the relationship, Nev and Max get some coffee and investigate this highly implausible story. They do a reverse Google image search of the model person’s Facebook photos and find out that the Facebook account they’ve been talking to is a fake and the photos of the hot person are some other actual hot person who has nothing to do with this. This happens every time. With a simple and free Google search, Nev and Max completely destroy whatever fantasy world that was created. This could have been accomplished by the pig person if the pig person could only spend a second to investigate the delusion they live under. Many times, there aren’t even that many pictures to investigate as if said model was cool with taking 2 pictures of themselves and that’s it. Really? Have you ever met someone who is good looking who doesn’t have many pictures of themselves? Scratch that, have you ever met anyone whether they’re good looking or not that doesn’t have many pictures of themselves. WE’VE GOT CAMERAS ON OUR PHONES! There are cameras on everything nowadays. I bet I have a serving spoon in my kitchen with a 4 megapixel camera on it. Anyway, they tell all this to the pig person and, naturally, the pig person still wants to meet the lying Facebook love interest.

It’s around this time that the “Catfish” people call the liar and talk to them. It is at this point when they hear the actual liar’s voice for the first that it is 100% obvious they are not who they say they are. They don’t sound anything like the person and they also sound completely defensive, caught off guard like a deer in head lights, and are easily tricked into meeting. These are not attributes of a confident model person who has succeeded in life up until this unfortunate point of falling in love with a random ass person. Also, Nev and Max aren’t silver tongue masterminds. They basically tell the person, “hey, you want to be on MTV?” and the person falls head over heels to say “YES! PUT ME ON TV! OBVIOUSLY, I HAVE ATTENTION PROBLEMS CONSIDERING I HAVE A FAKE FACEBOOK ACCOUNT THAT I USE TO START SEXTING RELATIONSHIPS FOR MONTHS AND/OR YEARS WITH COMPLETE STRANGERS!!!!”

The “Catfish” people make the rendezvous happen. The pig person gets all nervous, Nev the leading “Catfish” guy talks about how sweaty he is, the camerman Max has more gray hair than a 50 year old. They get to the house and the supposed model/liar lives in a shit hole and/or an area of whatever city this is that looks like it hasn’t seen a shining light of optimism in it for dozens upon dozens of years until this very day when an idiot pig person followed by a camera crew are hoping upon hope that there is a gorgeous creature hiding in these ruins with no webcam and/or smart phone.

Of course, in every episode, the Catfish people knock on the door and no one answers that door. They invariably answer some other side door. It never fails! They knock on the front door and the person comes out the back door or the garage or a secret trap door elevator from behind a tree.

When the actual Facebook chatting person reveals what they look like… they are a PIG PERSON(!) as well and look perfectly adequate to date the other pig person, but the only problem is is that they’re a CRAZY LIAR.

That’s the funniest mystery of it all. Why would a pig person go to such great lengths to holla at another pig person? I don’t get it at all! Catfishing pig person should’ve just asked out the Catfished pig person from the start…

Well… in episode 5 that would’ve worked. It would’ve worked out fine. The chick who did all the lying looked like a chick that would’ve or at least could’ve dated the dude from the terrible band. They weren’t far off from each other in that respect and the only thing that kept them apart was that the chick was a LIAR and for whatever reason used some hot blonde to lure a guy who had no Earthly business talking to that hot blonde. I don’t know if that dude over estimated his own looks, over estimated the sonorousness of his band, or is fucking retarded, but c’mon… that blonde wasn’t going to end up being that blonde.

As far as episode 6, the pig people CATFISHED EACH OTHER!!!! That may have been the best episode to show off the idiocy of people. Both used hot people’s pictures as their own pictures, but ended up attracting another person who was a liar and was at the same time perfect for them. If I was going to root for any of the couples (invariable after watching 8 episodes, I have decided who to root for and who not to root for) I’m rooting for episode 6’s Kya and Alyx. They’re fucking perfect for each other. They lied to each other, pulling the same idiot trick on each other, and then turned out to be completely weird and at the same time ideal for each other. I hope they grow old together and possibly take a computer course or 12 together and just get smarter.

Episode 7 was hilarious that again the couple was kind of perfect for each other minus that the one person was a crazy fucking liar. The girl was the crazy fucking liar and pretended to be a playboy model who also was on Dr. Drew’s rehab show. Meanwhile, the country bumpkin who did absolutely nothing in life to warrant attracting a playboy model did in fact attract his butterface, but quite attractive friend who felt the need to make up online profiles and all this idiocy. Just ask the doofus out! You two are hanging out. Or get him drunk and take advantage of him like a normal chick would do. I mean why sully the name of the internet or get the guy’s stupid hopes up with possibly dating a playboy model who has a kid and a meth habit.

From there… the episode archetype was altered a little.

Episode 1 was about a cute blonde who was also the dumbest blonde in the history of dumb blondes or brunettes or redheads. She had fallen in love online with male model who was also a cue card guy for the Chelsea Handler show and was taking anesthesiology classes online. WHO IN THE FUCK BELIEVES THIS?! Apparently, she’s also partially deaf because she had spoken to this jack of all trades on the phone and the person on the phone sounded like a prepubescent child… and a bad liar at that. Nev calls the model and asks where they are, the model responds “Paris”, Nev says that sounds great what are they doing in Paris, the model says “shopping”, then Nev says that sounds great too because Nev is overly positive and supportive and asks when is the next time the model will be back at their home in Los Angeles for Nev to ship the dumb blonde to meet him and the model’s phone just instantly hangs up. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! A couple minutes later they get back on the phone with the model and the model tells Nev that they’re actually not going to be in Los Angeles, but they will be in Tuscaloosa that weekend.

HAHAHAHAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAH

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

wooh…. You know that direct flight that models all take from Paris to Tuscaloosa? Yeah, I’ll be on that one.

So, it turns out as expected that the male model is actually some overweight high school chick who is fighting her own lesbianism by saying she’s this male model and attracting numerous morons on the internet to flirt with. I guess that’s a reasonable enough hobby.

Episode 2 is a hot stripper in DC who thinks she is talking to another hot stripper in Atlanta. Of course, that stripper’s name is Scorpio and she only has 3 pictures of him. 3? A STRIPPER HAS ONLY 3 PICTURES OF THEMSELVES?! YOUR INDUSTRY IS YOUR FUCKING LOOKS AND BODY AND THEY’VE GOT ONLY THREE PHOTOGRAPHS OF THEMSELVES?!!!!?!?!!?!?!?!!? Listen, I’m not partial to my own looks meanwhile there are a million pictures of me. That’s just how it works. As mentioned, there are cameras on everything and either you or someone else is going to get snapping shots of you. It fucking happens. Especially, if you live your life typing on computers and on the internet and you’re not deathly afraid of technology or a camera’s flash stealing your soul.

Either way, it turned out that the stripper guy was just some dude and he liked her and he seemed nice enough, but he’s a liar. I’m sorry hot stripper lady.

Episode 3, this episode was complicated because the chick was a fucking nut job. I tried to feel bad for her, but I couldn’t that much because she seemed crazy. Either way, it seemed like her and the dude she was talking to for TEN YEARS were kind of perfect for each other and should just get together and probably take like a spin class or two because both gained an excessive amount of weight in their early 20’s and probably got to diabetes like conditions. If they went on Biggest Loser “couples” then they would probably live a wonderful life together for ever and ever.

Episode 4, it followed the original structure with a girl texting a guy way out of her league, but the end result was a weird one where it was a revenge plot orchestrated by some chick who used to be friends with her, but they stopped being friends when they both hooked up with some wannabe rapper. Either way, both had young children that needed to be looked after instead of foolishness of Facebook.

Then there was Monday’s episode…

It featured All-American waspy white good looking Lacrosse guy Tyler and a gay, “African-American” liar guy Aaron who posed as a hot blonde who went to college but didn’t own a cell phone. That episode was kind of stupid. Tyler seemed like he could easily meet a girl if he wanted, but instead chose to fall in love with a random chick who he had no connection to on Facebook who I would guess was only friends with other dudes who “she” was also sexting. Meanwhile, Aaron seemed a little screwed in the head about being gay and finally moved out of podunk, Michigan to New York like he probably should’ve done as soon as he realized he was gay. Either way, good luck to the next chick who tries to say hi to Tyler online, he’ll probably assume you’re a homosexual male of a dark persuasion fucking with him.

Anyway… it’s kind of addicting.

Also, I enjoy the fact that the show is ostensibly eliminating itself from having more episodes by showing people in every episode how they can figure out for themselves whether or not they’re being “catfished”. At the same time, a lot of people don’t want to know the truth and, even more so, people would like to be on TV and have the TV help them. Everyone does get 15 minutes of fame and maybe yours is exposing that you’ve fallen in love with a pig person’s brain and a model’s face and body… or that you are a lying crazy person online who lives a double life of sexting people who think they’re sexting some hot piece of ass.

Also, also, I enjoy that Catfishing is our generations Publisher’s Clearing House or whatever. Remember those magazine scams that old people got themselves wrapped up into, that’s pretty much the equivalent of Catfishing for young desperate people. Amazing.

In the end, what we’ve learned from “Catfish”… we all love hot people. Like we all do. We’ll delude ourselves into believing the wildest stories because a hot person told it to us and they sent us a text that says “i love u”.

Hot people. Can’t live with them – because they won’t let you unless you’re like REALLY HOT too or you have boat loads of money to offer them – and can’t live without them – because you know, they’re hot!

So, who wants to Catfish with me? A/S/L?

4 Responses to “Who Wants To Start “Catfish”-ing People On The Interwebz?”

  1. PWG said

    As a statuesque, sober and single European cage-fighting supermodel with a PhD in quantum mechanics, I have nothing to be ashamed of.

    Actually, I think my avatar of a laptop next to liquor in front of a pine tree accurately represents my location, profession and interests. If I included more of the shot, like panned out to include a chair with very short legs and maybe a Partridge Family lunchbox, then I think that would cover my real height and age too.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Are the legs attached to you? Or they just free floating short legs? If it’s the latter then we might assume you’re a serial killer and/or a mannequin aficionado a/k/a a serial killer.

  2. See, I take the complete opposite approach. I make myself seem so completely insane online that when you finally meet me, you’re pleasantly surprised by how “normal” I actually am for a pig-person.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Ugh… you’re not a pig person. You’re attractive and you have boat loads of money, which are both no-no’s for the pig people.

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