So… Sundance, huh?

January 18, 2013

I feel like we’ve exhausted ourselves this week with all of our possible emotions…

From a guy catfishing all of us to … well… that’s really all I can remember. But that was pretty big, right? The Lance Armstrong stuff is stupid. I’m mildly surprised that anyone cares. Oh he admitted doing what we all knew he had been doing all this time? Great. I’m sure that means something to someone, but not me. I didn’t watch the Tour de France before, during, or after Lance Armstrong and I’m planning on keeping it that way. So, I just don’t care what happened over there plus if you know anything about professional cycling you probably know that they’re all taking performance enhancing drugs. It’s an epidemic in that sport. Probably because no one really cares who does what in cycling. Anyway…

SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL

a/k/a

ROBERT REDFORD DOESN’T VISIT YOU, YOU VISIT ROBERT REDFORD – THE MOVIE FESTIVAL

Yeah, it started yesterday and goes through the weekend. Which means two things:

1. A bunch of movies you never heard about and probably will never see will get bought and paid for and that will sound interesting, but like I said most likely no one will ever see them.

2. More importantly, you’ll see different celebrities who you’ve previously never seen together will now be in photographs together and they’ll be wearing the hippest yet trying not to look hip clothing. Like a sweater that looks slightly disheveled, but cost $500 because Vera Wang once used it to mop up spilled spaghetti sauce. Or something. I don’t know how fashion works! Either way, it’s going to be a lot of pictures of actors trying to act like they’re normal and hangout and stuff, but they’re not normal and they don’t just hangout.

I was on RottenTomatoes and they had a list of 25 Sundance movies that they believe should make my nipples hard. I’ll do a brief explanation of whether I think they’re right… STARTING NOW!!!!!!

STOKER

Yes. I love South Korean director Chan Wook Park and this is his English language debut.

BEFORE MIDNIGHT

In third part of the Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy… oh fuck who cares. Fuck I don’t care and I saw the first two and liked them both. Ethan Hawke has no barometer for what’s good anymore, so no I’m not looking forward to this.

LOVELACE

I am looking forward to any and all nude or sex scenes of Amanda Seyfried portraying porn star Linda Lovelace which I’ll watch those specific clips of on DailyMotion or some other upload site that allows nekkidness. The movie itself? Not that excited for.

DON JON’S ADDICTION

JGL directs and stars in his masturbatory fantasy about Scarlett Johansson? Errr, probably not. If it’s not just him hooking up with Scarlett then maybe I’ll see it, but I feel like it is going to be.

JOBS

Ashton Kutcher as Steve Jobs? I’d watch some, but maybe not all of this. Honestly, I really liked TNT’s “Pirates of Silicon Valley” from 1999 with Noah Wyle and Anthony Michael Hall. So, I’m cool with that being the only Steve Jobs biopic I’ll ever see.

AIN’T THEM BODIES SAINTS

Casey Affleck and Rooney Mara as Texas outlaws? Fucking sign me up.

IL FUTURO

A blind Rutger Hauer (yes, that Rutger Hauer) has sex with a young girl. Yeah, I’m good with never seeing this ever.

TOUCHY FEELY

Meh. A massage therapist who doesn’t want to touch people anymore and a dentist who takes over her clientele? I don’t know. It sounds like it could be quirky enough to be ok, but nothing about that makes me really want to see it or be excited to see it.

INTERIOR: LEATHER BAR

Did you like the 80’s Al Pacino movie “Cruising”? Did you even know about it? Did you answer yes to those and wish it was gayer? Well, thanks to probable bi-sexual James Franco, you’ve got your fucking wish. Am I excited by this movie? Well, it’s the randomest thing I feel like I could have read ever. But (!), I do now really think James Franco and I would get along for at least several minutes if I told him about how once for a half hour I laughed imagining Sylvester Stallone was the main character in “Cruising” and not Al Pacino. I bet James would think that is funny too. Especially, if we were high.

KILL YOUR DARLINGS

If “On the Road” wasn’t enough of a smattering of random young talent pretending to be Beat writers for you then here’s this movie. I wouldn’t say I was excited to see this. I’m interested in seeing a trailer I suppose, but I’m also interested in seeing trailers for lots of movies that I have absolutely zero intention of seeing.

THE NECESSARY DEATH OF CHARLIE COUNTRYMAN

I think this is the movie that Shia LAH-BOOF gets naked and has actual sex on film. This movie will never be seen by me.

THE LOOK OF LOVE

Yes. Steve Coogan? Yes. Michael Winterbottom? Yes. Steve Coogan as a 70’s porn magnate? Yes. Doesn’t ‘Winterbottom’ sound like a porn name? Yes. Yes to all of this movie.

TWO MOTHERS

Speaking of porn, Naomi Watts and Robin Wright are best friends and they fall in love with each others’ sons. Wow. I’m pretty sure that’s the storyline of almost every MILF porn ever made. For some reason the movie “The Door in the Floor” immediately came to mind – that’s not a porn although there is a bunch of nudity in it. It’s obviously provocative and I really love Naomi Watts (actress, hot Brit, human being), so I’ll say I’m intrigued, but not sold. I haven’t seen any of the movies that this director has made, so I don’t know if it’s just provocative or possibly good.

EMANUEL AND THE TRUTH ABOUT FISHES

The title does not match at all what I was expecting – probably a kids movie. It stars Jessica Biel and does not sound like a movie she would normally be in. It really doesn’t sound that interesting to me. Whatever.

A TEACHER

The teacher sleeps with a student and shit unravels. Sounds like 100 “NBC’s Primetime” pieces I’ve seen. Not too interested.

CRYSTAL FAIRY

Michael Cera in Chile. I would definitely consider it. I’ve seen pretty much everything else he’s been in.

UPSTREAM COLOR

No clue what it is about, but I definitely want to see it. Shane Carruth directed this movie and he directed a Sundance classic in “Primer” which I love. So, I’ll see what Carruth’s much anticipated by at least me follow-up is like.

AUSTENLAND

Napoleon Dynamite’s Hess teams up with Flight of the Conchords’ Bret? Fuck yes.

WRONG COPS

Marilyn Manson is the star of this, which makes me not want to see it. It’s directed by the guy who did “Rubber” the movie about the killer tire, which was pretty good. I’ll at least watch a trailer.

THE WAY, WAY BACK

Steve Carell and Sam Rockwell in a movie by the writers of The Descendants? Eh. I’m mildly interested. It’s a “coming of age” movie, which makes it sound like it’s something we’ve seen before.

S-VHS

I didn’t see the horror movie VHS, so I doubt I’m seeing the sequel.

TOP OF THE LAKE

A haunting movie or something about lakes. Nope.

PRINCE AVALANCHE

Sounds like a great band name. It’s directed by David Gordon Green and he rules and Emile Hirsch and Paul Rudd are in it and that’s cool. I’ll see this.

THE EAST

It’s the follow-up from the director of The Sound of My Voice, which will also have Brit Marling as well as Ellen Page and Alex Skarsgard. I’ll see it.

And finally…

THE SPECTACULAR NOW

A high school drama? Bleck. It has Shailene Woodley in it and some other people, but I’m not really interested in what high school kids are interested in these days. High school kids seem like idiots to me now more than ever before.

So 8 for sures and a few other maybes and a bunch of nos and some I’ll watch the trailers.

Whatever, Sundance. What. Ever.

Have a great weekend.

I love you.

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One Response to “So… Sundance, huh?”

  1. Kim said

    I’m LMAO @ Two Mothers because it made me think of Lonely Island’s Motherlover!

    OK, back to finish reading this post

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