If You Haven’t Seen A New Movie In January Then You Won’t In February Either

January 22, 2013

Hello, hello, HELLO!

I spent the last ten minutes watching Yuengling beer pour of a keg and into my kitchen sink. What a fucking depressing way to start off the day.

WHAT DID YOU DO THIS WEEKEND?!

I hope you had an excellent time. I hope you wore your underwear or were just naked for a large portion of it and there were other people doing the same with you. I hope you solved a riddle or put together a puzzle or just drank yourself into a state of liquid-flammable-glee and/or just sexed someone stupid. Or re-watched “Band of Brothers”, the Rocky movie series, and the two absolutely ass-spanking fantastic football games on Sunday. Oh yeah, there was also a fucking amazing left high kick, head kick knockout on Saturday night for free on FX.

Me? What did I do? Well, most of the things mentioned…

I also made 3 trays of St. Louis ribs and helped devour them, two crockpots of Buffalo chicken and devoured it, and watched Danielle make mac & cheese, mashed potatoes, chocolate chip and toffee bourbon cookies, and chocolate covered pretzels. We also had about 20 people over here stuffing their faces, watching football, and getting drunk. It was a wonderful weekend capped off by…

Watching our motherfucking beautiful President get sworn in for a second term. THAT’S FUCKING RIGHT! WOOOOOOO!!! I LOVE THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!! I wish I could vote for him again. Done it every single time it’s been an option so far. I may write in his name next time. Why the fuck not?! I like it. It puts a smile on my fucking face voting for that man.

And I’m sticking by my claim, come 2016 when there is the shindig to end all shindigs commemorating the great two terms of presidency that Barack Obama has had… his eldest daughter… Malia Obama… in between her time traveling as a Ford Model and her going to Harvard… Malia will do a 360, windmill, tomahawk dunk that will set off fireworks and most likely will bring me to tears. I will weep!

Anyway… I love that family. Michelle’s got bangs, Barack’s President again, their daughters grow 6 inches in height each time we see them, everyone’s hanging out with Kelly Clarkson and Beyonce. Good times.

So, movies… they suck.

The movies that have been presented to us this January have all sucked. INCLUDING “Zero Dark Thirty” which was a huge waste of time. I agree that we should help ban ZDT from the Oscars, but not because it is pro-torture. Nah, I’m ok with that. I watched every GD-ing episode of “24” and that show might as well have been renamed to “FOX’s Pro-Torture Programming” and I would still have watched it. No, we should ban ZDT from the Oscars because it’s not a good movie and it shouldn’t be nominated for all these stinkin’ awards. But whatever…

As for the rest of January, I doubt many or any of you saw Texas Chainsaw 3D, A Haunted House, Gangster Squad, Broken City, Last Stand, or Mama. And even less are expecting to see Hansel & Gretel, Movie 43, or Parker. So, all in all, January was a fucking piece of stinking shit month for movies.

_dharv y yo tengamos(?) … we have an Optimum Rewards card because we have Cablevision, which gets a two free movie passes every Tuesday. So far, we used it for Les Mis this month and that’s it. Tonight, we’re probably not using it either and same goes for next week.

But what about the month of February? Not fucking likely. Here are the movies for February. They don’t deserve posters or any of that. I’ll just mention them by name…

BULLET TO THE HEAD

Sly Stallone makes another completely unwatchable action flick to go along with the dozens of others ones he’s made. I’m not talking about “Cliffhanger” or “Demolition Man” because those movies should have won or at least been nominated for the Oscar’s “BEST FUCKING MOVIE THIS FUCKING YEAR” category. I’m more talking about the “Get Carter” remake, “Driven”, “Daylight”, “The Expendables” and so on. Terrible shit from this guy’s brain. Not seeing this.

STAND UP GUYS

So, Christopher Walken and Al Pacino are remaking the Burt Reynolds forgettable “The Crew” from 2000. Old mob guys have to do one more job, but they’re old so it’s funny? Yikes. Not seeing it.

WARM BODIES

I probably will see this. Probably. Although, I think the entire movie has been shown in the trailers by now. But I distinctly remember Teresa Palmer aka Kristen Stewart as a blonde got me to see “I Am Number Four” not that long ago, so I’ll probably see this. Zombies that still have hearts and can fall in love plus Rob Corddry and John Malkovich? I mean… I’ll probably see it.

IDENTITY THIEF

Ugh. Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy in a paint-by-numbers comedy. Looks terrible. Melissa is also in a paint-by-numbers comedy with Sandra Bullock this year. Won’t be seeing that either.

SIDE EFFECTS

I didn’t see Contagion and have no desire to, so I’m going to see this sort-of sequel.

A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD

I’ll see it, but I’m not happy about it. It feels like an obligation at this point to see this. That’s how the last one felt and I saw it. It sucked. But I’ll see this just to see how bad it could possibly be. His son is in Russia? And he, Bruce Willis aka John McClane aka a NYPD detective, is going to save the day… again? Ugh.

BEAUTIFUL CREATURES

Twilight meets True Blood meets me not seeing it.

SAFE HAVEN

Nicholas Sparks? No.

DARK SKIES

Felicity is plagued by aliens? No.

SNITCH

The Rock in a movie that sounds very similar, but worse than “Faster”, which sucked. Nope.

I hate February.

This post started so happy and ended so sour.  Fuck you, February Hollywood movies.

How was your weekend?

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One Response to “If You Haven’t Seen A New Movie In January Then You Won’t In February Either”

  1. Kim said

    Sounds like an awesome party — good food, friends and BEER! I saw Mama on Sunday and liked it. Not the greatest horror film I’ve ever seen, but overall Mama was a scary bitch.
    I’m looking forward to A Good Day to Die Hard — I love John McClane and would probably follow him anywhere. I’m sure disappointment is inevitable, unless Hans Gruber makes a guest appearance, but what the Hell? I bet it will be one of the best films of the month (not sayin’ a lot).
    Warm Bodies looks fun, but would also be fun as a rental or free on the internet.
    And what’s with this VOD trend — who pays to see a film in the theater when you can watch it at home on demand? (Stand Up Guys) I love going to the movies, but it’s much more comfortable to stay home, in my PJs, where the beer and snacks are free and I can pause, rewind or fast forward at will.

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