I’d Dominate the Entire Cast of “Pitch Perfect” in Basketball

January 24, 2013

What up, Pitch Perfect? CHALLENGE ME! I’d eat you up in the paint!

Last night, I watched Pitch Perfect and the short review is two fold…

1. I liked it.

2. Yes. Yes, I would have consensual sexual relations with all major and minor characters and possibly the extras as well in Pitch Perfect.

Oh Em Gee! They’re all so pretty! More like Pretty Pitch Pretty Perfect Pretty. That doesn’t make any sense.

As for the longer review…

Let me start with an equation…

Bring It On  Drumline  + Glee  + BOOB CLEAVAGE  = Pitch Perfect

If that sounds like a movie that you would like to see then you should definitely see Pitch Perfect. It’s exactly the above. It’s Bring It On in the sense that it’s definitely a movie geared to the people that it is obviously on the surface geared toward, but it’s got a lot of humor in it that wouldn’t be associated with that type of movie. Instead of just looking like a Freddie Prinze Jr. movie, Bring It On does have a lot of jokes that land that are way funnier than anything FPJ got his weirdo hands on.

As for Drumline, the story is almost i-fucking-dentical with Drumline.

Instead of Nick Cannon, insert…

Chesty, pixie princess Anna Kendrick.

It’s not really a movie based on plot, so “spoilers” won’t ruin the viewing experience. You’re here watching this movie because of the singing and possibly because of a series of hot white chicks portraying college girls who cannot stop showing off their cleavage. That’s the other reason you could be watching the movie. Oh wait! Of course, you could be watching the movie for the magical boy actors with their boy voices and I guess their je ne sais quoi, quirky, nerdy appeal.

Anyway, instead of Nick Cannon and his rogue drumming abilities, we have Anna Kendrick, her never ending closet of tanktops, and her DJ SKILLZ!

DJ DOWN-THE-SHIRT-SHOT SPINNING ON THE ONE’S AND TWO’S! THE WHEELS OF STEEL WILL BE RUNNING ALL NIGHT COURTESY OF DJ D-CUP-ON-A-5-FOOT-FRAME! WHAT! WHAT!

In Drumline, Nick Cannon is right about everything. Everything! At no point are his ideas not 100% about the eventuality of them winning. If in the beginning all the people in charge of said Drumline would have just shut up and listened to this all knowing and all talented Freshman then they would have been a cohesive, unstoppable drumming force the entire movie through. Same goes for Anna’s character. About a third through the movie, Anna has an epiphany that her God given DJ skills will help the girls become the most amazing singers and would win the singing tournament, but if it wasn’t for the needlessly close minded and conservative character of Anna Camp…

who is the blonde on the right who you may remember from Mad Men when she gave Don Draper a big ole’ blow jay in the back of a working taxi cab… what what what! … So, Anna Camp is the hardliner who is unwilling to bend, but needs to bend and change her ways because every time she does something right happens and everything that she thinks should happen is a wrong decision. This was something I didn’t like about the movie and didn’t like about Drumline or a bunch of other movies. Anna Camp’s character should have good ideas. I guess someone could say her trying to lead them in singing practice is a good idea, but I mean she never has a moment where she’s really right until she makes the decision to stop making decisions and turn over all the power to Anna Kendrick who is completely inexperienced in everything that she’s doing.

In Drumline, that was an issue as well. Leonard Roberts’ character Sean Taylor is not right about anything. What they do give him credit for seemingly is that Nick Cannon can’t win the drumming contest on his own and needs to use Roberts’ talent. In Pitch Perfect that kind of happens, but doesn’t. Roberts’ character is obviously the greatest drummer out there minus Nick Cannon and it’s really Cannon’s ability to improvise on top of the technical abilities that makes him better than Roberts who is shown to be a good match for Cannon up until Cannon just out and out beats him, which I thought was a bad move in Drumline. Just saying from a storytelling perspective that in Drumline Roberts should have had some good ideas and been technically superior to Cannon where as Cannon’s new ideas and originality made him more of the star that the team needed to be to win. In Pitch Perfect, there could have been a similar dynamic. Just saying…

Either way, we have Brittany Snow up there who plays the friendly half of her and Camp as well as playing a redhead. Brittany’s the more unconventional but doesn’t speak up enough one. And her big scene in the movie more or less is getting Anna Kendrick to sing naked…

Hot naked girls confronting other hot naked girls in the dorm showers was really all I thought about in college and God bless the director for making that happen.

Let’s move on from Drumline, and get back to Anna Kendrick playing Kristen Stewart with singing skills.

With the black eyeliner, the open flannel shirt over the tanktop, the jeans, the messy hair, the “I’m 98 pounds, but I’m tough and listen to real music”… the character of Beca is absolutely perfect for Kristen Stewart. She’s detached from society (because of her stupid parents divorce, which was seemingly the mother’s fault who we never meet) but wants (IT) to have friends so desperately and instead takes that want and puts it into her DJ remixes. Such a classic story.

It’s definitely right up Kristen Stewart’s alley except for can Kristen Stewart sing like a GD-ing angel?

That’s the question. Kendrick sings like a Disney Princess and naturally so does actual Disney Princesses Brittany Snow and Anna Camp and so on. Anna does a good enough job I suppose pretending she’s an 18 year old Kristen Stewart filled with angst and apparently slightly narcoleptic that she falls asleep during all movies she watches – odd character trait. As mentioned, you’re not really there for the story, so you can kind of sleepwalk through the story and focus on the boob shots like the many of Alexis Knapp’s…

Alexis Knapp has got some boobs.

Like huge and exquisite and they should be in a museum. In an actual museum, there should be every single frame of Knapp’s naked boobs from the movie “Project X” with 100 inch HD video monitors just replaying the gif of her boobs in that one scene of that movie playing to infinity.

It’s about the singing. The movie is about the singing. And it’s acapella singing and it’s like Glee in that they’re not original songs, but covers of songs. And the movie knows that it is like Glee because it takes a few pot shots at Glee in a way to I guess beat people to saying it.

Similar to what Rebel Wilson’s character “Fat Amy” is doing with her “Fat Amy” name…

And she’s the fucking movie.

As much as “Pitch Perfect” wants to pretend to separate themselves from “Glee”, what makes “Glee” work or what used to make it work – is that show still on, I’m assuming it is – is the same shit that makes “Pitch Perfect” work: the singing. If you want to hear a bunch of falsetto having Broadway style singing, fresh faced actors/resses sing popular songs then you’re going to like “Pitch Perfect” and you’re also going to like “Glee”.

As for Rebel Wilson, she’s the fucking movie. I don’t care – really I do care – about all the cleavage shots of Anna Kendrick and Alexis Knapp or all the framed shots to just sneak in the tight shirt over Anna Camp’s or Brittany Snow’s boobs, the movie is bought and sold on Rebel Wilson as not only the singer/performer, but as the comedian with the best lines in the movie. Every scene she steals and every scene she’s not in better have the cleavage shots or something as mentioned because the rest of the stuff is pretty mindless. I don’t care about Anna Kendrick’s DJing dreams and honestly she stops caring about them too. So, when Rebel Wilson is on screen, something good is happening – always happening.

I doubt Hollywood knows what to do with Rebel Wilson. In general, Hollywood doesn’t know what to do with most actors and basically every actress, so who knows what they’ll do with Rebel. The first thing that comes to mind for me is that Rebel should have a TV show on HBO. While HBO hasn’t given some of these shows enough time, HBO has done an excellent job developing shows based around a singular talent, especially seen in their half hour comedy shows. I know it sounds like I’m going for the obvious, but a show like “Flight of the Conchords” would work. Allow for a mix of music and comedy with dream sequence/music video elements and I think she would thrive. She can be in movies too obviously, but she’s got a wider range of talent and randomness that I think would fit TV more than movies. It would be a misstep not to try and build a show around her.

What else is in the movie?

There’s this chick who is supposed to be the “weird” element of the movie and she certainly is, but the weirdest part of this movie is…

Is that the main character guy on the left LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE his randomly assigned roommate on the right. And it turns out the two of them are amazing acapella singers, which almost seems like the guy on the left could be Ethan Hawke/Paul Dano in the movie “Taking Lives”. He’s never heard about the acapella singing before, but the kid on the right has, but it’s the kid of the left who actually steps in and takes the acapella singing opening thus taking the dream away from the other kid. Also, with all this Star Wars paraphernalia around that belongs to the kid on the right, the kid on the left later talks about Star Wars and I thought he may have killed the kid on the right and took all his Star Wars stuff as well.

Of course, I cannot forget to mention the male show stealer to Rebel Wilson’s super vaginal female show stealing…

Adam from Workaholics is a fucking revelation.

I hope he is in every movie ever. I love Workaholics. Honestly, I never thought I would see this movie. As much as I like Anna Kendrick and find the rest of the female cast wet dream worthy, that isn’t anything different than one of the billion High School Musical movies. Good looking kids singing isn’t an appeal to me. I don’t watch Glee and I doubt I ever will… but when I found out that Adam from Workaholics was in this and he was one of the stars of the movie, this I had to see and I’m glad I did.

Adam brings a toned down version of his character from Workaholics, but a lot of the same humor. And he nails his scenes. Him and Rebel Wilson are very funny and entertaining throughout the movie.

So, what am I saying?

See the movie if you wanted to see the movie. I doubt anyone who initially wanted to see this movie would not like this movie.

If you weren’t interested in seeing this movie, but can be down for listening to a bunch of attractive actresses sing like a million Bruno Mars songs then you should see the movie. If you saw Drumline, You Got Served, Bring It On and/or any movie of the like then you should give this a chance as well. Unless you only saw one of those movies and are really into drumming in a drumline then maybe this movie isn’t for you and you should keep watching Drumline. I don’t know. I’ve never met someone like that, so I can’t tell you what to do in that case.

It’s pretty funny, the people are good singers, if you like pop radio then the music is good, it’s certainly entertaining in a half-time show kind of way with the musical productions, and if that doesn’t sell you then just remember like 35 – 40% of the movie are scenes pretending like they’re about something, but are really about Anna Kendrick’s boobs…

Fucking glorious.

I’m not making this shit up.

3 Responses to “I’d Dominate the Entire Cast of “Pitch Perfect” in Basketball”

  1. PWG said

    I didn’t get any pictures in my feed. And even though I did see Pitch Perfect and could probably reconstruct them in my mind well enough to follow along but not well enough for a police sketch artist to draw something that would get them arrested a la Unabomber . . . .

    I now realize that I was anticipating your found images of Pitch Perfect actress boobs. Front boobs, side boobs, tight sweater boobs, boobs galore. It just doesn’t feel like KSWI without breastseses.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I hate when that happens. There were pictures there when I first put it up. I put the pictures back up again. This time on photobucket. Hopefully, you have no issues with that.

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