J.J. Abrams Can Go Suck On A Light Saber

January 25, 2013


I love this picture.

It’s by some dude name Pablo Bustos.

Anyway, he’s got a DeviantArt page I think with a ton more pictures or maybe that .com in the bottom of the picture is his page. I don’t know. I got the picture from a different website doing a thing about his artwork. Either way, look at Chewbacca’s little dog tail butt wagging!

Let me being by saying, I LOVE STAR WARS.

I do.

Actually, as the years go on I was expecting to love it less thinking that it was something from my childhood, but that hasn’t happened. Instead, I love it more than before or just as much, but now it’s more mature and with a higher alcohol content.

I think Darth Vader is one of the greatest and most interesting villains in history. World domination? If only. Dude created his own planet and it was a destroyer of other planets. He was going to dominate the universe. He more or less was and that’s why there were rebels. By the time we met Darth Vader in the first Star Wars, he had already succeeded. That’s fucked up. He was already running shit and the Empire was running shit. He wasn’t a villain trying to win; he was a villain who had won and was trying to extend his winning streak/maintain it.

Anyway, I love Star Wars and I ABSOLUTELY HATE EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF THE STAR WARS SEQUELS. Well, not EVERY second. I did love seeing Natalie Portman with the bare midriff. That was before Natalie started getting really sexy in movies and was back when she was keeping it pretty prude, so a bare midriff was like the hottest thing ever like a devout Muslim seeing some chick’s ankles or something similarly ignorant.

With all that being said, I am not against another Star Wars movie. I am pro Episode VII.

Reason being, episodes 1-3 were so fucking terrible that no one can do any more harm to the series than what has already happened. Between the prequels and the recut versions of the originals, whatever could have gone wrong did gone wrong, so we might as well keep going. So, I am interested in seeing another Star Wars because of that and because I think George Lucas is a fucking idiot and would love to see a new director come in and show Lucas how much of a fucking idiot he is by not failing nearly as badly as Lucas did with the prequels.

The problem… I don’t want the dude who is making Star Trek making Star Wars.

Those are TWO SEPARATE ENTITIES that should NEVER TOUCH WHATSOEVER. Gays can get married, but Star Trek and Star Wars cannot. There should be no crossover. I’m not even sure how I feel about actors from one appearing in the other… I’m against it! You chose your side – light saber or fazer and you stick with it! WHAT HAVE WE GONE INSANE?! How did they allow this to happen?

I like J.J. Abrams or I don’t have a problem with him.

I was a big fan of Lost. I never watched Alias. I love Mission Impossible III. I saw his Star Trek and thought it was meh. So, I’ve got no real beef with Abrams. But I have a beef with him being in control of both Star Trek and Star Wars. That seems royally fucked up to me. Isn’t there a separation of church and state in this fucking world anymore?! It’s Star Trek or Star Wars. Never “and”. As consumers, it can be “and”, but you pick a side when asked. I know they’re different. I know one is TV and one is movies. And by that I mean outside of Khan the Star Trek movies are trash. But, there’s a line and it shouldn’t be crossed between the two.

And, let’s be honest, the Star Trek reboot is … what’s a good word to use … what’s a one or two syllable word for “the absence of a soul, but has the possibility of being entertaining”? Is there a word for it. Soulless just doesn’t have the second part. The Star Trek reboot is soulless without a doubt. There’s absolutely no connection from that movie to the TV show. The original movies only had that connection because the actors were also the actors from the TV show. If there is a connection between the movies to the original Star Trek idea, it’s more like the reboot is like the last couple Star Trek movies that put Hollywood into the situation where they decided to have a reboot.

The new Star Trek was “fun” because it full of young people and most of them were good looking people and they were having fun pretending to be something they possibly had seen on TV before. The storyline was stupid. The action was forgettable. The comedy was ok, but not like laugh out loud funny like a real comedy. Who is going to see the Star Trek movie for giggles? It was caught between not being actiony enough to be an action movie and not being plotty enough to be a plot movie. It was kind of just there. Just not that bad and not that good, so in the end it was a placeholder for something else. This something else is the sequel which looks like it is filled with lots of action, which means there goes the storyline and possibly the comedy and in comes Benedict Cumberbatch as the big bad villain you’ve never heard of, are not scared of, and he’s the fucking movie. Ugh…

Now, Abrams is getting Star Wars.

If I hadn’t seen what he’d done with Star Trek, which was uninspiring then I wouldn’t be as negative about him getting Star Wars… plus all that stuff before about how I find it perverted that he’s controlling both brands.

I don’t like the “safe” choice of picking Abrams. The idea that it won’t be terrible and it won’t be good and it will be this placeholder thing again. It’s like hiring a football coach who is there to fix personnel and the cap and restore some order, but not there to win. What’s the point? There’s nothing sexy about J.J. Abrams anymore. There was a time when he was a sexy choice, but now… it’s bleh.

They should’ve seized this opportunity and gone after the wild choice. Give it to anyone. I don’t know who was really a person that actually wanted to do it and at the same time I can think of a million directors I wouldn’t want directing it more than Abrams. It’s just that Abrams doesn’t thrill me.

I know that I should be blaming DISNEY more than Abrams. I know that.

I feel like they should’ve given it to a foreign director. First and foremost, I feel like there are a lot of foreign directors that would have given us that edge that foreign films tend to have that would’ve been interesting. I know that Disney doesn’t want dark. They don’t want edge. They want the same shit that we always get from them. But that’s why they’re losing nowadays. It’s Pixar who is winning the animation wars with the masses and American animation has been losing critical and commercial praise for years to the Japanese. But I’m just saying in my fantasy world, who would I want to give it to and in some ways I think the reboot should be under a foreign filmmaker. The first that comes to mind is Alfonso Cuaron and I think he can be an easy shoe in considering his work with the Harry Potter series.

If not a foreign filmmaker then look at what type of movie you specifically want to make and choose the director on that. For Star Wars, no doubt we’re talking action. At this point, they’re not going to reinvent wheel with the story, so they’re trying to explore the universe with visuals and action, so the Wachowskis or take the director from the best action movie in years and give it to Gareth Evans who directed The Raid. I know Disney would never do that, but it sucks how much sexier that would be if we were possibly going to see The Raid with light sabers in 2015 and not just a meh Star Wars.


The Abrams thing… it’s just not giving me the Star Wars boner that it could and actually is making me angry. Like people saying that this Kate Upton ad for Mercedes is too sexy even though she doesn’t do anything in it. What’s so sexy about it? Isn’t it just about a bunch of kids washing a car watching Kate Upton kind of just stand there and they want to have sex with her. She’s not in a bikini or nothing. What’s the deal? What the fuck is wrong with people? That’s too sexy? Those people should stay away from watching her Carl’s Jr. commercial where they literally zoom in on sweat beading atop her boobs. That’s maybe too sexy for a hamburger commercial and more sexy than watching Upton fully clothed stand next to a Mercedes being washed by some high school looking boys. It’s blowing my mind that people are saying that’s “too sexy”. Those people need to never search Kate Upton’s name in google or their fucking bodies will explode from every angle because of the too sexiness. Have they not seen her never ending litany of bikini commercials or her doing the “cat daddy” dance or even just the gifs of her riding horses and bouncing up and down? I mean am I going nuts here in thinking that the Mercedes gif is pretty much PG at worst and J.J. Abrams as the director of the next Star Wars is just bland?

As mentioned… whatever.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

The UFC has free fights on FOX on Saturday night. There’s a title fight (Demetrius Johnson vs. John Dodson), two big bad bald dudes are fighting (Glover Texiera vs. Quinton “Rampage” Jackson), two of the most exciting fighters on the planet are fighting each other (Anthony “Showtime” Pettis vs. Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone), and then two other really exciting guys are fighting each other (Erik Koch vs. Ricardo Lamas). So enjoy that, I will.

I love you?


2 Responses to “J.J. Abrams Can Go Suck On A Light Saber”

  1. Kim said

    The problem… I don’t want the dude who is making Star Trek making Star Wars.

    Those are TWO SEPARATE ENTITIES that should NEVER TOUCH WHATSOEVER. Gays can get married, but Star Trek and Star Wars cannot. There should be no crossover.

    I felt a terrible disturbance in the Force today and this is why.

    That pic at the top of this post is pure WIN!
    Luv the doggie Chewbacca — he’s too cute

  2. PWG said

    I loved the new Star Wars movie. Loved it. But I still don’t want JJ Abrams for Star Wars, particularly. Cuaron is an interesting choice. Children of Men was astounding. Quentin Tarantino would be a waaaaaaaaaay interesting choice, ha ha ha. Can you even imagine how fucking hilarious that would be? What about Brad Bird? You can’t say he can’t direct live action anymore. David Fincher? That’d be a really dark Star Wars. Fuck, anyone besides George Lucas.

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