You Didn’t Watch It, I Didn’t Watch It, But Pretty People Attended It: THE SAG AWARDS!

January 28, 2013

Me llamo el hombre de sus suenos, ay ay ay ay ay!

Good morning/afternoon/possibly evening, party people!

As one can judge by the title, I’m going to post a bunch of pictures of actors of both gender specifications in fancy outfits and kind of gab about them like a high school twat. The pictures are from the SAG – Screen Actors Guild – Awards that amazing did air last night on television to a whopping rating of I’m guessing like 14 people. 6 of them watched on TBS and 8 watched on TNT. So much for the “superstation”, am I right?! If I could pick 150 channels on the television and refer to them as “super”, TBS would never be uttered. I love Conan and all, but TBS isn’t super to anyone. Shit’s getting catty already!

So there were two unwatchable spectacles on TV last night, the SAGs and the NFL’s Pro Bowl. I may have caught 35 seconds of the Pro Bowl. Looks like the NFC ran away with the most meaningless game of the football season. And I don’t just mean the NFL’s. I mean all the seasons that play some form of football at any level throughout the year. There are games of pee wee football that are much more meaningful than the Pro Bowl.

I really hope they cancel the Pro Bowl and turn into a skills competition for each of the players nominated to the Pro Bowl. Just select the Pro Bowl teams, ship them to Hawaii, but once they get there they play against each other in a variety of position designed events with the NFC playing against the AFC. Have an O-line vs. O-line or D-line tug of war. Have the linemen do bench press competitions, but make it like strong man competitions and have them bench press go go dancing cages full of NFL cheerleaders. Have wide receivers run routes and catch passes and touchdown celebrations. Quarterbacks have accuracy and distance competitions. Et cetera and et cetera. Make it more like the NBA All-star weekend’s Saturday, which is one of the best things in sports.

Anyway… Lena Dunham got naked on Girls and at this point that’s all I want to see from this show. Just make Lena Dunham the most insane human being ever. Give up on trying to flesh out these other characters because they’ve more or less given up on that already. And as pretty as Allison Williams is her character is the worst. Maybe that’s the point, but if her only redeeming value is that Allison Williams is pretty then I’m not interested. I’d watch Gossip Girl if all I wanted to see was pretty faces do the nonsensical for themselves and for the world at large.

Also, if you missed the fights Saturday night, Anthony “Showtime” Pettis was the human highlight reel once again. He didn’t jump off the cage and land a kick to the face, oh no, he simply jumped off the cage and landed a knee to the face. HE’S LIKE VEGA FROM STREET FIGHTER! Minus all the rapey vibes got from Vega.

Let’s look at some fucking pictures already!!!!!!

SAG RED CARPET!!!! WOOOO!!!!

J-LAW! It’s the Law! I fought the Law and the Law won! WOOOO!!!

Apparently, Jennifer was playing through pain and showed up to the awards showing fighting off pneumonia. Is that the kissing disease? Nah, that’s mono. I had mono once. Oh my lord, it was more or less a roller coaster ride of cocaine highs and heroin lows. About the only rule my mom put on me when I had mono was that I had to stay under the blanket on the couch. This meant I was more or less deathbed style sleeping and sweating under that thing on the couch and the other half of the time when I was exploding energy out my pores it was either a cape or I was scurrying back and forth underneath it like a little puppy burrowing. So… back to Jennifer Lawrence…

She’s hot. She’s always hot. She’s a good looking lady. She’s kind of got a Lee Lee Sobieksi vibe going in this picture, which more or less means young, hot, prominent forehead. Don’t take that as a slight. Foreheads are cool. If she didn’t have a forehead then it would be really weird. You know? Anyway, she’s pretty and she can wear just about anything and look great.

Whaddup, Anne. You don’t look nearly as malnourished as last time. It also looks like she’s wearing the exact dress that Rachel Weisz wore to the Golden Globes. WHY DO I REMEMBER THAT?! I blame you and this website. Either way, I think Anne should show more skin. Especially when she’s been eating regularly. She’s young, so flaunt it. Don’t hide it under old lady lace and see thru stuff. It’s not bad, it’s just she could do more.

Fuck yes. This right here is better than Zero Dark Thirty. Jessica Chastain looks wonderful and hot. She looks pretty and also sexy. Got the cleavage working and at the same time her hair looks really nice… both complete opposites of what happened at the Golden Globes. DAMN YOU BRAIN! WHY DO YOU REMEMBER THE GOLDEN GLOBES RED CARPET BUT FORGET LIKE EVERY MATH LESSON PLAN I EVER LEARNED IN LIFE!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?! Anyway, this is how Jessica Chastain should dress. No more baggy shit making her boobs look like they’re starting at her belly button and her hair should be like this (whatever this is) as opposed to the Golden Globes that (whatever that was).

I am better at typing bowties better than Bradley Cooper.

FINALLY!!!! I’M BETTER AT SOMETHING OVER BRADLEY COOPER!!!!

Also, Brad stands weird at these shows. He rounds his shoulders forward and his hands awkwardly sit in front of his thighs. It’s weird. He does it at all the awards shows when he’s left alone. Give this man someone for him to put his arm around or teach him to stand properly. Presentation, Bradley! And let me tie your bowtie better. Like not in a free way. I’m not volunteering. Pay me to tie your bowtie. I’ll provide other services like making you laugh, making you gin and tonics, talking sports, and in those long cold nights in Los Angeles we can spoon and watch old UFC events or something. I mean it’s just an option. I mean those early events weren’t as technically sound as nowadays, but they’re wild and fun and cheesy and show a raw talent for winning. Just think about it.

Immediate response: her dress looks great and her body looks great.

Secondary response: her face kind of looks weird. When Nicole has straight hair, all I see is Keith Urban’s face. It’s weird. Is that happening to anyone else?

What is happening here? Is that strap there to intentionally block all of our view of her cleavage? Is that a statement? Is this a political statement about the hidden crimes that happen around the world that we never hear about? Or is this designer CRAZY and trying to block us all from seeing the holy grail of today’s cleavage? Either way, I’m not a huge fan of a-symmetrical stuff, especially when it blocks boobs. Also, Sofia some how looks like 10 years younger, which is great. If that’s the product of the dress then that is wild. But it looks like she’s wearing the dress incorrectly.

TWINSIES!

Shouldn’t they just kiss? Neither would be against it. I’m not saying Ben is gay or that Hugh is gay (although, I do think he is gay), I’m just saying they are people pleasers and they would do it for their fans. Their fans that immediately see two handsome men who look identical to each other and think they should kiss. That’s just how those fans think. Nothing wrong with that, right?

And it would make for a good movie too. If Matt Damon is banging Michael Douglass in a movie then Ben Affleck banging Hugh Jackman is definitely a better movie.

I kind of like this. Again, this is much better than the weird orange number she helped design for the Golden Globes. Marion is gorgeous. Her beauty is versatile too. She can play the old Hollywood beautiful, she can be a contemporary cute, and everything in between. It kind of seems like a mix of those two things as well. She’s got a more modern haircut and the top half looks like she could be going to a bar or a club and the bottom half looks like a ball gown. I like it. Also, for the ladies, there’s the cut out preview window of her shoes, which is more or less the same excitement for ladies and I suppose gay men as I get when there is a cutout preview window of the actresses chesticles.

Claire Danes looks like she could cut a bitch. If that bitch was standing right next to her, but not 4 to 100 feet away. I don’t think Claire can walk in this dress. It’s like her legs are bound together and she is picked up and moved like a rolled up carpet. Also, it looks like she’s got the making for some guns on that exposed right arm. Claire looks deadly serious in this dress. I’m not a fan of it necessarily, although it is completely not what I would expect her to wear or a look that she would go for, so that zaniness I like it. You know how we usually dress Claire up to look like she’s a happy California blonde? Let’s make her like the Queen of the Damned, but blonde.

Pale boobs! Julianne! The rest of the dress is snowflakes or Japanese clouds or something. From the blinding light of paleness down, the dress reads very Japanese to me for some reason. Obviously, I’m not against the boobs and so forth, but the dress seems to me a little loose up top. Maybe it’s the angle, but get that a little snugger. I mean the rest of the dress is snug, so the top part should be as well I suppose. I feel like the dress is telling us a story that Julianne Moore is Mt. Fuji. You know, like her hair is the Sun and under the Sun is a clear white sky and her boobs are the snow capped mountains and the dress is the snowfall that comes with the wind whipping off Julianne’s snowy boobs. And it’s Japanese, so Mt. Fuji.

I mean you can’t go wrong with Kerry Washington showing skin. You can’t. That’s really what the memo is to all these actresses. You’re hot, that’s why we want to see you act or at least are willing to see you act, so show it off. You’re not going to look bad. We already know you don’t look bad. Get simple and show off the body and don’t get weird from there. Making hot people unhot is a challenge, so just dress simple and you’ll look hot. Kerry looks hot. The top part kind of reminds me of a purse. Like that would look nice as a design for a purse. I have no idea. I guess the clasps make me think of a purse. The bottom half makes me think of a dressing gown like a woman would wear pre-20th century.  Kerry looks great as she should.

Enough of these two. I’m tired of everyone on Glee. I’m tired of the idea of Glee. I’m willing to watch them all in something that isn’t Glee, once. Maybe twice if they’re nude. I mean nudity is the great equalizer. Why not? Why not see them do something naked? I mean I watched Kathy Bates get naked in About Schmidt, so Lea Michelle getting naked in anything is certainly watchable. I know she got naked in “Spring Awakens”, so let’s put that on the silver screen. And also, I just hate this nonsense that the people from Glee should be at these things or will have any career outside of Glee. No one will ever see that Matthew Morrison guy ever again on TV or movies without Glee. Jane Lynch is the only one we had heard of before the show and will be the only one after the show too. The rest can repopulate Broadway, which there is nothing wrong with that, but we’ll never hear from them again in a SAG setting or Golden Globes setting again.

As mentioned in the Golden Globes piece, Jennifer Garner has the body to pull off this outfit or any outfit, but her face tells a different story. She never looks comfortable or happy that she is wearing this or really into the photographs. Also, why is her husband off making out with Hugh Jackman and not standing with this gold beauty? If I was a lesbian, I think I would be really into Jennifer Garner. I mean specifically. I really feel like she would be a good choice for lesbians. Like I mentioned before, she’s got this confidence and strength to her that I think lesbians would like. I think straight men should like it to, but I will say it’s not as vocal when most of the ladies in this gallery look like they want IT like a stripper. But in general, men should want Garner, but then lesbians should really want her. Like if you were a butch lesbian then Garner can definitely be the lipstick pretty arm-candy and at the same time not be like some empty-headed looking little girl. And then if you’re already the lipstick arm-candy thing then Garner is definitely pretty to match your pretty, but also I bet she could dominate a chick.

I’ve got a lot of psychoanalysis for Jennifer Garner…. which you wouldn’t expect from someone who never watched “Alias”. Right? Like why do I care so much. I don’t know. I just do. Lesbians! Start dittling yourself to Jennifer Garner!

Let’s make up some ground with a lightning round!!!!

Looking meh.

Looking good, but I liked the sleek sexiness of that Golden Globes suit.

Amanda Seyfried’s head and hair look like a princesses always. Also, Amanda Seyfried has to be really good looking considering in Mean Girls – a movie entirely filled with good looking chicks – Amanda was the one they were friends with specifically because of her looks… and boobs.

YES!!! Daniel Day Lewis as Christopher Walken!!!! Two of my favorite actors have formed one!

Remember us? I’m that guy from that movie from a few years ago. And she’s my girlfriend who should be on every single one of those hot actress lists, but isn’t because people who write those lists are racist.

Yes. So everyone who attended the Golden Globes saw the mistakes they made and fixed them for the SAG awards. Well done, Tina. Her boobs are back! TINA’S BOOBS ARE BACK EVERYONE! YOU CAN BREATHE A DIRTY PHONE CALLER SIGH OF RELIEF! The hair, I can live with it, but it could also be something else too. But I like this dress much better than the Golden Globes one.

Ugh. I don’t like your new single and I don’t like this.

Seriously, Liev is the fucking man! The fucking MAN! And, Naomi Watts looked fine at the Golden Globes but is back to looking like Hollywood royalty fucking hot again. Thank you.

Not into this. Kind of seems like Rose is hiding behind this dress and not actually in it. I actually like the idea of that better than her wearing this dress.

I’m convinced she looks bad in real life on purpose. What’s Kaley’s wardrobe on “Big Bang Theory”? Yoga pants and a tank top and she’s a fucking sex symbol on what the most popular TV shows out there. Then she shows up to this shit and she looks like … well… like she doesn’t want anyone coming within a 5 foot radius of her. It’s off-putting. I don’t like the dress at all. I mean maybe it would work in a Spanish soap opera, but that’s not the real issue. The real issue is her head. What happened to her head? What happened to Kaely’s head? Seriously. Someone needs to hire a detective to get to the bottom of why her head is this. Whatever that is, why is it that way? And make it never happen again.

Ariel Winter started going to school for the first time recently. Do kids still send each other Valentine’s day “grams” or cards or whatever in school? It was a very strange practice and I don’t know why that was allowed in school or more or less supported. But if it is still going on then those kids better get on sending like a million and a half Valentine’s day cards to Ariel. You’re only going to get this chance once. Jump on it. You’re not going to have a shot at Ariel Winter down the road, so don’t let this opportunity slip through your fingers now.

If I were to cast Eddie in a movie, it would probably be as a serial killer. He looks like a serial killer to me. Or I mean a Hollywood  movie serial killer at least.

Finally…

She knows. Oh, she knows.

3 Responses to “You Didn’t Watch It, I Didn’t Watch It, But Pretty People Attended It: THE SAG AWARDS!”

  1. WHO IS THAT GLORIOUS MAN BEHIND KALEY?

  2. NixHaw said

    Well, I didn’t see Keith Urban’s face when Nicole has straight hair before but I sure do now. Thanks for that.

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