Lenny Kravitz’s Scarf Is Better Than You

January 30, 2013

Hello.

If you don’t already love Lenny Kravitz – yes, I’m talking about singer, songwriter, musician, actor Lenny Kravitz – you will fall in love with Lenny Kravitz momentarily and stay in love with him forever from hence forth.

Why?

Because of THIS!

That is more carpet than scarf, but it is a magnificent scarf.

If there was a parallel parable to the Lord of the Rings, but it was about scarves instead of rings then Lenny Kravitz is Sauron and that is most definitely the one and true scarf of power. SCARF OF POWER!

That scarf could not only keep an entire Peruvian family warm, but it could house an entire Peruvian family, keep them warm, boil the water, and possibly run its electricity through its amazingness.

What’s that stupid line about God making something that even he couldn’t lift? If there was a scarf that God shouldn’t have been able to knit it’s that one, but thankfully God did and Lenny Kravitz is just fucking moseying around Manhattan in it.

Are you fucking kidding me?! THIS IS WAY MORE UNBELIEVABLE THAN A UNICORN.

Seriously, a horse with a horn coming out of its forehead is not that unlikely. I’ve seen horse like animals with two horns sticking out of its head all the time. You can find hundreds of them easy enough, so one horn has to happen. That must just happen on its own from time to time. But a scarf? A scarf this fucking big?! Never… that never happens!

What fucking street is Lenny Kravitz walking on that everyone isn’t huddled around Lenny Kravitz to at least cop a feel of the scarf like it’s the shroud of Torin. There has to be at least a quart of magical powers stored up in that thing.

First, how are people not rushing Lenny Kravitz for autographs with or without the scarf?

Second, how are people not rushing Lenny Kravitz for a cellphone picture for their twitter or facebook page with or without the scarf? I mean our generation’s favorite past-time is making people jealous they don’t live our lives by making our lives seem so attractive on twitter and facebook. A fucking middle of the afternoon pic of you and Lenny Kravitz would easily win that constant battle for the next month or two.

THIRD, THE FUCKING SCARF?!!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!

How on Earth are people not taking a picture with themselves and that scarf?!!!?!?!?!?!?!?

That’s fucking insane! Are these New Yorkers so glued into their smartphones and eating their fucking pinkberry that they didn’t look up for a fucking second from their ipod playing the hippest in repackaged disco dance music to fucking notice that motherfucking Lenny Kravitz was just down the fucking block and not only just fucking Lenny Kravitz down the fucking block BUT HE’S FUCKING WRAPPED AND DRAPED IN THE FUCKING SCARF OF DESTINY!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?

When are you going to get the opportunity to take a picture of yourself with Lenny Kravitz and with Lenny Kravitz in this holy and merciful scarf and slap that motherfucker on your twitter and facebook and instagram and keek and vine and yfrog and lockerz and twitpic and fucking whatever other fucking website has been created to document every fucking possible second of our dull fucking lives now hashtagged and texted to any person who is sadly willing to hear about it?!?!?!?!?!? FUCKING TAKE THE PICTURE!!!!!!

Be with Lenny.

Be with the scarf.

He’s so welcoming and cool.

The scarf is so inviting and warm.

I could swaddle Shaquille O’Neal in that damn scarf.

What do you think this picture smells like?

I imagine that Lenny Kravitz smells like a mix of lavender, vanilla, cocoa butter, and patchouli, but with a spicy kick. I don’t know enough about potpourri to know what it is that makes things smell spicy, but when you pick up an orange rind and it smells spicy – that’s Lenny Kravitz.

I imagine the scarf smells like cinnamon, melted chocolate, Christmas, a midnight picnic with a lover, the fur in between a Golden Retriever puppy’s toes, week old saffron, a glass of bourbon in winter by a roaring fire, Demi Moore’s sex, a koala bear’s dream, and a mother’s love.

I wish I could live my whole life in that scarf.

I would share that life with Lenny Kravitz… as long as we sang “Are You Gonna Go My Way?” twice a day for the rest of our time on Earth.

We would be buried in that scarf.

And, the scarf would travel with us to the afterlife.

Thank you, Lenny Kravitz.

Thank you, scarf.

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2 Responses to “Lenny Kravitz’s Scarf Is Better Than You”

  1. PWG said

    The only thing – literally the ONLY thing that could make that scarf more magical, is if Lenny knitted it himself.

    If he sat down by the fireplace all last winter and thought, “I’m gonna make myself the motherfuckingest bestest scarf in the whole world. A scarf to launch wars and broker peace. A scarf to house all woodland creatures displaced by fires, including grizzly bears. A scarf so iconic that just wearing it around town will become a legendary story like Lady Godiva protesting taxes and shit.”

    And then he started knitting and COULD. NOT. STOP. Finally one day they ran out of the high Matterhorn berries that they were using to dye the angel hair that he was knitting with. And rather than move one Pantone number up or down, he flung the knitting needles away from himself and dove into that beauteous thing.

    I wish he would’ve let Obama wear it during the inauguration.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      “I wish he would’ve let Obama wear it during the inauguration.”

      I would’ve actually orgasmed in my pants. Would’ve been sort of awkward considering we had guests.

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