Whaddup… or as they say in Saint Thomas… whaddup.

I’ve been in country with @_dharv for almost 24 hours. We had a horrid plane flight being stuck behind two senior in high school age guys who were either gay, boy, puppy acting, boyfriends or were the strangest brothers in the world. I hold strong that they were boyfriends because they had the same stupid haircut and were rubbing cheek to cheek, couldn’t keep their hands off each other, sticking their fingers into each others mouth, slapping each other, and at one point the one boy put chapstick on his lips then on his eyebrows. I don’t know what that specifically has to do with being gay, but I felt like that added to it. But I definitely didn’t think all this physical flirting was between two brothers… unless those two brothers have gay sex with each other.

Either way, they were annoying as fuck like two overgrown 4 year olds jumping up and down in their seats and slapping each other and so forth.

After that, we got to the hotel, unpacked, got dressed in beach clothes, hung out on the beach drinking rum, went to a fancy restaurant where everything we ordered was smothered in Gorgonzola and now we’re awake for day two.

Also, we watched most of the dumbass Oscars.

At this point, awards shows are fucking caricatures of past awards shows and only serve the purpose of allowing the rest of the world to pick and prod the stupidity of the show on Twitter. In that regard, the Oscars was a great success. There was a million funny things tweeted last night that I saw. We’re all watching the same shit and we’re all making fun of it at the same time. That’s a community. That’s interconnectivity that never existed in any previous decade. We’re not getting farther away, we’re getting closer. We’re allowing people on to our couch via twitter and listening to our thoughts and you’re reading theres. That’s humanity folks. Fuck the Greatest Generation.

Anyway…

I’m going to post some of the red carpet photos and make fun of them a bit.

It seemed to Danielle and I that the theme for the Oscars was either “wedding” or “future” some didn’t necessarily fall into those categories, but most did. Either you were going to your own imaginary wedding or you were from the fucking future.

OSCARS RED CARPET EXTRAVAGANZAASDFAASDFQASGGANZA

Future.

I like this type of future because it means we’re still into seeing chicks boobs. WOO! FUTURE BOOBS! If I had to really be critical of the dress, I would say it looks weird and it’s very straight with a complete lack of reality attached to it. Or a new reality where we’ve either evolved or been taken over by geometric overlords. BASICALLY, this dress is the first sneak preview of “Chronicles of Riddick” part 2. And, at the same time, I can’t be too critical because Halle Berry can wear anything… especially if she shows her boobs.

Wedding.

A wedding for nipples. NIPPLES! A wedding dress for nipples! Anne Hathaway killed that one scene in Les Miserablaesaables. And she was excellent in The Dark Knight Rises as well. And Anne has wonderful breasts with wonderful nipples and this dress is an homage to them. I’m all for it.

Wedding.

THE WANTESS!!!!!!!! She wanted IT so badly that she still came to the Oscars on crutches even though she cut her foot with glass and wanted IT so badly she awkwardly and defiantly hobbled onto stage to give that award for whatever that award was.

As for the wedding dress… is it a punk rock wedding dress on her way to getting married OR is this what happened to a normal wedding dress after a night or two of partying following the wedding? Either works.

Future. Or a goth wedding.

Either or.

I thought Sandra looked fine in the dress. Her hair was oddly flat. But she looked really odd when she was giving the award out. She looked kind of rubbery.

Wedding.

If it is white it would really looking wedding like. Jessica looks good and at the same time looks slightly nude with the dress matching her skin tone. She also looks like she is the Oscar if the Oscar was cross-cosplayable as a woman.

I hated “Zero Dark Thirty”.

Wedding.

Of course, she won.

Of course, she fell going up the steps.

Of course, of course, of course. She is the 22 year old Meryl Streep.

I don’t know about wedding or future, but Kerry Washington looks good as always.

Whoever is choosing these outfits for Kerry Washington needs to choose more outfits for more people. She’s also beautiful to begin with, so that helps.

FUTURE WEDDING!

Charlize Theron is an evolved super human and/or one of the super alien human like aliens who created humans like in Prometheus. She looks amazing. She looks like a comic book superhero getting married.

Adele looks so much like Adele.

Like exactly like how Adele looks.

Adele is so back to looking like so Adele.

Great news.

I fucking hated “Skyfall”.

I’m also thinking that almost every James Bond movie is terrible. All of Roger Moore’s are bad. All of Pierce Brosnan’s are bad. Quantum of Solace and Skyfall are terrible. And the list goes on and on.

THE FUTURE!

Naomi Watts is from the future and is part of the same genetically superior race as Charlize.

Egyptian wedding?

Future?

I’m mixed on this one. I feel like Salma looks amazing. I feel like Salma also looks like a Hollywood version of an Egyptian Queen and I also feel like this is a dress that could also be featured in the sequel of the Chronicles of Riddick.

Wedding.

It’s not a white wedding, so Amy Adams isn’t virginal. Although, it’s close to white, so maybe she didn’t go completely slutty. Maybe she just had a shocker done to her like one in the stink makes the dress gray. Just fingers.

Future.

Actually, this dress looks like Jennifer Hudson is Mystique from the X-Men.

Future.

Wedding.

Future.

Wedding.

Also, she should show more boobs.

And… there are many more to go, but I need to go to the beach and burn everyone’s retinas with my paleness reflecting the sun.

So…

I’m not sure about this being a wedding dress or the future, but it’s definitely “something”…

Olivia Munn.

Dress her in Wonder Woman’s bustier and wrap her legs in a red curtain. EXACTAMENTE! BRAVO!

Olivia went all out. I don’t know what it is, but it’s all out though. And she knows it.

What did you think of the Oscars? Or your weekend? Or these new Lays potato chips that are supposed to taste like chicken and waffles?

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YES!!!!

THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!

We’re getting…

HER^^^^

FIGHTING…

HER^^^^

FOR…

THIS^^^^^^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND THE FIRST HER…

WOULD LIKE TO DO THIS…

WHICH IS AMAZING!!!!!

WHILE THE SECOND HER…

WOULD LIKE TO DO THIS…

WHICH IS ALSO AMAZING!!!!

SO, YOU BETTER BE WATCHING THIS…

SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!

Also, I’ll be away next weekend in the land of the iguanas aka St. Thomas.

I wouldn’t count on me posting anything, but who knows.

I love you all, although I would love you more if you watched UFC 157 this Saturday night and supported two women – Ronda Rousey and Liz Carmouche – breaking the gender barrier in the UFC and having the first ever women’s fight/title fight/main event/main event on PPV.

Have a great weekend.

Have a great week next week.

XOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXO

– Me

Sup.

I have looked through the movies that are gracing our theaters next month. I’m going to mention 18 of them. As mentioned in the title, I’m prepared to see 4 of those 18. That’s not good, right? It’s probably about average throughout the whole year though. More than 20%, but less than .25%.; not good enough numbers to get you into the baseball hall of fame.

This year has started out pretty effing bad though. I mean we’re knocking on March’s door and I’ve seen 1 movie this year and I hated said 1 movie. I saw “Warm Bodies” and I was actually fairly excited to see it, as sad as that is in retrospect. Still, 1 movie? In two months? That’s got to be a low. I have read some reviews for “Snitch” starring The Rock that are favorable. Who knows. It can’t be worse than “Faster” or “Southland Tales” or “The Scorpion King”, all of which I sat through.

Either way, there are 4 this coming month, which is damn near a million in comparison to the last couple months. So, I’m going to go through these movies, some will get a lot more words than others. Others barely deserve a mention. I will say that one of the best looking movies of the month is near the very end and should be a wealth of inspiration for slash fan-fiction, which is always a concern.

21 & OVER

This looks terrible. As sad as it may be, I am no longer the demographic that this movie is pandering towards. It is pandering towards a demographic that is actually a decade (maybe more) younger than me and it makes me want to throw myself of a moderately tall building just thinking about it. Besides even that, I literally have no leg to stand on with this because I saw “American Pie” in theaters, saw “American Pie 2” in theaters, and I believe I own both on DVD, which makes me want to throw myself off a very tall building.

A week ago, I saw a picture of Jason Biggs online at some event, and it fucking hit me. I watched this guy fuck a pie. I paid money to see that. I paid money to see specifically that. That was what the movie was sold on. We were going to see an actor pretend to fuck a freshly made apple pie. His reasoning? He wanted to know what it felt like to have sex with a woman so badly that he simulated that feeling with a warm apple pie per the suggestion of his non-virgin friend. My reasoning for watching it? Because I’m an idiot. My reasoning for paying to watch it? Because I’m a fucking idiot.

I hope that I’m smarter now, but I’m preparing to see a movie with The Rock because it has The Rock and critics are saying it isn’t as bad as the commercial suggests. Maybe The Rock will fuck a pie in it and I’ll definitely see it. It’s a crazy world we live in and not that long ago a boy fucking a pie was the voice of his generation and now it’s Lena Dunham’s nipples. A two term black President aside, how much have we grown in the past decade? I don’t know even know, but I’ll never see this “21 & Over” crap.

JACK THE GIANT SLAYER

Nope.

This looks atrocious. Amazingly it looks worse than SWATH did. The trailers have absolutely no redeeming value. It’s a kids movie, and not even a teen movie. Not even a tween movie. It’s kiddy as hell and looks “Wrath of the Titans”-esque as far as CGI battles go. I’ll never see a second of this movie either. I have nothing personal against Bryan Singer minus that I think his movies are bad and he keeps making more and they appear to be getting worse. I do love “The Usual Suspects”, so he made one movie I liked and it was his first. Since then… all downhill. The first 2 X-Men movies? I’m not a fan. They could’ve been worse, as shown in “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”, but they could have also been a 1000x better and not made Cyclops a cry-baby wuss. Anyway, not seeing this.

THE LAST EXORCISM PART II

Nope.

I don’t see horror movies usually and I’m not breaking that rational decision to see this. There’s a greater chance I’m going to start collecting Pez dispensers than there is in me seeing this movie or any horror movie like it.

PHANTOM

No.

Honestly, who knew David Duchovny had the time to make movies from his hectic television schedule of appearing in scenes opposite a pair of naked boobs? I didn’t know that he had the time to play a “rogue KGB agent” in a Cold War submarine movie. Yep, this movie is actually about Russian subs and Harris/Duchovny will be playing Russian soldiers. I haven’t watched the trailer, but this somehow sounds worse than Harrison Ford’s terrible Russian sub movie “K-19: The Widowmaker”. Why were these movies made? Who fucking knows. Who sees submarine movies still? I mean “Crimson Tide” kind of put an end to that genre I think, but apparently not. I feel like the only reason to watch this movie would be to see David Duchovny destroying a Russian accent while speaking English and to see if he does a worse job than Harrison Ford did. Maybe a back-to-back viewing of these completely absurd premised movies? Throw in for good measure “U-571” and watch Bon Jovi act.

STOKER

Yes.

Park Chan Wook? Wook Chan Park? Chan Wook Park? Park Wook Chan?

I don’t even know which is the right one anymore because I see it every which way, but the man is a genius. I love PCW’s movies. I have seen them all and more or less I love them all. I absolutely adore Sympathy for Mr./Lady Vengeance. I love those movies. Oldboy is wonderful too, Thirst was an engrossing film, JSA is great, and I’m A Cyborg is weird and kind of bad, but there’s a strangeness and heart to it that I like. Anyway, this is PCW’s first English/American film and I’ll definitely see it.

What am I expecting? Disturbing stuff, a symphony orchestra score, imaginative, haunting… and hopefully it’s good. I think we’re kind of guaranteed on some of these. The storyline is incestual in nature and it’s probably going to be violent/bloody at times.

One thing that absolutely random as all hell is that the screenplay was written by Wentworth Miller aka the main guy in “Prison Break”. Generally speaking, PCW writes his own screenplays, so it’s kind of random he’s using someone else’s and on top of that it’s the guy from “Prison Break” who hasn’t been credited with writing a screenplay before. And the screenplay is about incest. I don’t know what any of this means, but I’m still planning on seeing it.

DEAD MAN DOWN

Nope.

I love the UFC. I love it. I write about it. I interview the fighters in the UFC. I watch the UFC as much as humanly possible. But, movies that “sponsor the Octagon” are usually fucking horrendous. Terrence Howard had an incredibly brief stint as a good actor and Colin Farrell is at this point a poor man’s Mark Wahlberg, which is terrible and insulting. The movie looks bad, but it also looks bad because of who is in it and that they’re pushing it so hard on UFC broadcasts. Like I said, I love the UFC, but they’re main sponsor for years was Mickey’s Malt Liquor and as much UFC I have watched doesn’t make me want to drink Mickey’s Malt Liquor any more.

I think “Snitch” has also been promoted on UFC stuff too, which is a reason why I’m not that into seeing it. Right now, the reason why I’m thinking about seeing “Snitch” is that people are saying it is nothing like how they’re making it look. Unless people start saying that about “Dead Man Down” too, I’m not seeing it. How it looks now – plain bad.

OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL

Nah.

I’m sure people will see this, but I think it looks pretty mediocre at best. I feel like best case scenario is that I would walk out of the theater thinking it could have been worse. I don’t think it’s a wrong move to see this movie. I could see seeing it. I could see why people would see it. Several very legit actors, a legit director, it’s a different take on a story we all know very well, and what else are you going to see this month? The incest movie by the Korean guy written by “Prison Break”? I mean, I see where people are coming from on this. But I really just don’t have any catalyst to see it. I don’t know anyone who wants me to see it with them and there isn’t anyone in the movie that I would specifically go see a movie just because they’re in it. Plus, it’s kids shit.

I feel like this movie is SWATH without Kristen Stewart. If K-Stew wasn’t in SWATH, I don’t know if I would have saw it. I was curious to see how she was going to do in the movie. That curiosity multiplied with legit actress Charlize Theron being in it plus an unknown director who had a background in CGI work and I thought the trailers were fairly engaging. I like Franco, but I’m not THAT into Franco that I’ll see this just because he’s into it. And I like Franco as an actor more than the chicks in the movie and as far as those chicks – I’ve seen what they can offer. I’ve seen what Michelle Williams can do and I don’t think I’m going to get her at her best in this movie and same goes for Weisz. Kunis was good in “Black Swan”…

Anywhatsle, it’s bland to me.

THE INCREDIBLE BURT WONDERSTONE

I’ll see it.

I don’t think it’s going to be the greatest comedy ever and I’m not even sure it will be better than “Bruce Almighty”, but it’s got to be better than “Evan Almighty”. Plus, I need to see a comedy every so often, and this looks more likely to be funny than either of Melissa McCarthy’s movies or the crap shoot ones aimed at kids who can’t even legally drink yet.

Plus, just the visuals alone are worth seeing it. Carell and Buscemi as Sigfried & Roy, and Jim Carrey as Cris Angel? That’s at least worth a few laughs without any dialogue spoken.

K-11

No.

I’m only mentioning this because it is Kristen Stewart’s Mom’s movie. And the plot is…

A record producer comes around after binging on drink and drugs. He finds himself in a section of the Los Angeles County Jail reserved for homosexuals, which is ruled by a transsexual named Mousey.

Is that more or less creepy than Wentworth Miller writing “Stoker”? Kind of a toss-up, right?

SPRING BREAKERS

Most definitely.

You’ve got 4 hot chicks in bikinis and James Franco looking like Kevin Federline on his worst day? Sign me up. I feel like I have to see this just to have an opinion on it because it’s already been talked about incessantly on the internet. There are people saying it is really good, people saying it is trash. I’m curious to see if it is one or the other or even both. I feel like there’s a good possibility it is somehow good and trash at the same time. It has to be wild, right? Franco’s this hedonistic crazed drug dealing gangster (a lot more interesting than a magician in Oz) who turns 4 Disney girls in bikinis into his gun toting posse? There has got to be some interesting scenes in this movie. And, it’s directed by one of the indie movie world’s darlings from the 90’s now grown up, Harmony Korine.

Imagining the guy who directed “Gummo” would one day make a movie with Selena Gomez? It’s too weird of a possibility that it has to be seen. Honestly, I have pretty low expectations for this movie but like I said – it’s too intriguing to pass up. I’ve never seen anything Selena Gomez has been in nor Ashley Benson nor Rachel Korine. I saw “Sucker Punch” with Vanessa Hudgens in it and her part was pretty small, but she was good in it I thought. Whatever. Them in bikinis is enough to hold my attention for 10 minutes, but after that if I see this in a theater I hope it’s not terrible because I’ve never walked out of a movie and I don’t want to start now. … But, if I’m watching this at home, I’ll certainly turn it off. I’ve turned off plenty of movies.

ADMISSION

It just looks so meh.

I’d see it I guess. I don’t really want to, but I would I suppose. Tina has been in maybe the least funny, garbage rom-com movies thus far. Paul has been in some good movies, but this doesn’t look like one of them. It looks so hokey. It also doesn’t look particular funny. It looks wildly unexciting. It looks like one of the least exciting movies in existence. It looks so harmless and safe and boring and I’m not sure why they’re involved in it.

CROODS

This looks horrendous.

Off the top of my head, I can’t think of an animated movie that looks less enjoyable than this movie. Or less reasonable. Why on Earth was this created? AND… at the same time… there is an unbelievably priceless and I would imagine fucking hysterical movie in this movie, and that’s the footage DreamWorks must have of Nicolas Cage in the recording studio doing the voice work for this movie. WHY ISN’T THAT THE MOVIE?! I would pay to see that. I would pay to see that at a higher price than I would pay to see a normal movie. If someone said would you pay $22 to see Nicolas Cage in the recording studio acting out this movie then I would say yes. If they said would you pay $32 to see the un-edited version of Nic Cage doing that plus the downtime in between takes and his multiple takes of certain lines and so forth, I would say yes plus I’m going to give you an $8 tip for just giving me this opportunity. Here are two $20 bills and I don’t even want to see a single cent of change because you’ve earned it.

INAPPROPRIATE COMEDY

I hope whoever made this movie is put in jail.

Like jail where people get raped and they are one of those people who get raped.

I could make suggestions of which jails those are, but I don’t really know enough considering I’ve never been to jail, but I will say I can come up with a list if that is helpful and will expedite this process.

OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN

I don’t know about “Olympus” but certainly the careers of Gerard Butler, Aaron Eckhart, Morgan Freeman and director Antwan Fuqua have fallen quite a bit.

Good Lord this looks terrible. The first I head of this movie, I thought it was a joke. An internet joke followed by an internet joke trailer made by the guys from “Funny or Die” or something. I thought this was making fun of these types of movies, but it’s not. It’s serious. And in that, I cried a thousand tears.

I was also just scared by the postman. Literally, the postman must’ve jumped the steps of my front porch in a single bound or jumped over the railing and just appeared right at the front door. We live in some high stressed times over here.

G.I. JOE RETALIATION

Still no.

It looked terrible last year when it was supposed to come out as mentioned on the poster in June. Then they fine tuned it and slapped some 3-D on it and It’s still a no.

I just realized The Rock has three movies coming out in the span of a few months – Snitch, this, and Fast Six. Amazing. I really hope this year is for The Rock what last year was for Channing Tatum like a new movie every 7 weeks.

THE HOST

Probably not.

There have been some absolutely terrible movies with the “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” as the premise and this could be the worst one. Is this another love triangle with Saorise and those two dweebs on the poster? I can’t imagine this will be any good. I don’t know why I would ever be lead to believe that it would be or even should be. The next brilliant idea from the broad who brought you Twilight.

THE PLACE BEYOND THE PINES

Yes.

Ryan Gosling as a bad boy motocross guy who turns to crime and Bradley Cooper is going to catch him… and probably kiss him up really good in hopefully the deluge of fan fiction that is inspired by this movie. Not that I read fan fiction, but I sincerely love the idea that it is out there. Why not. Exercise those demons in Microsoft Word. This does look pretty good. I’m definitely willing to give it a shot with Cooper showing he can act last year and Gosling showing he could do it several years ago. It’s got an interesting enough premise and the trailer makes it look quite intriguing. I’m for it. Easily the best looking movie coming out thus far this year.

and, finally…

TYLER PERRY’S TEMPTATION CONFESSIONS OF A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR

Nope.

I do enjoy the name’s of Tyler’s movies, but I have yet to see one. For the most part, the movie looks of the same quality of an MTV produced movie, which isn’t a compliment. It looks completely overly dramatic and shows just about everything in the commercial. From what I can tell, the very pretty black lady is married and she cheats on her husband with a filthy rich, attractive guy for those reasons and it turns out that he’s a bit of a woman beater and she’s now caught in the quandary of how do I explain to my husband that I cheated on him with a rich guy who is also attractive and he slapped me or do I somehow continue to stay with the slapper even though he’s probably going to move on or slap me to death soon enough? And I don’t want to be around to see any of that.

While, I hold no ill will toward Kim Kardashian, I’m definitely not seeing a movie that has received most of its attention to the fact that Kim plays a minor role in the movie. I’m not really interested in seeing Kim act nor am I interested in seeing a movie because she only acts like 2 minutes in it. And, I’m definitely not interested in seeing a movie about a woman who is a marriage counselor who cheats on her husband because a rich guy who runs around the park without his shirt on “rescues” her when she’s running around the park and a bicyclist and her collide in the park.

And… that’s about it for the movies… so was it 4? I think I ended with 4 movies that I would be interested in seeing.

How many do you have?

I couldn’t give any less of a fuck about Benedict Cumberbatch.

Yours in Christ,

Kay-Swidge-Izzle aka Professor J. B. Money Cake$

What’s up, peeps?

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend of fantasy fulfillment and butt play. I had a particularly fun weekend, so read into that as you will…

I did watch FLIGHT last night and I liked it. I liked it overall. There were certainly some issues with some things, but the movie nailed the scenes it needed to nail to make it a good movie. The other stuff, mostly the love interest stuff was really hit or miss with a lot of misses, but nothing too terrible. I think they did a good job on what they set out to do a good job on and in that it is a good movie. I can see why it was nominated and why Denzel is nominated and all that good stuff.

As for the rest of the post, there will be *spoilers* I guess, so if you just wanted to know my quick thoughts about Flight then stop here or don’t or snort a line of coke and drink 36 beers and a pint of Jim Beam like Whip Whittaker from Flight… I don’t know. I liked the movie, it’s everything you would want from the movie if you thought the trailers were good, and I think it delivers in the areas it needed to deliver in. OK?

Now, that that is out of the way…

1. Cocaine is a cure-all

While, being a drunk is the absolute worst in this movie, and I’ll touch on that later, being on cocaine is actually not demonized one bit. In fact, if you learn anything from this movie, you should learn that redeeming, all purpose, medical powers of snorting and smoking cocaine. In the first scene of the movie, Denzel is drunk as all get up and has been up all night drinking and sexing the sexy Hispanic from “My Name is Earl”. One would think that would mean he would be pretty shot to get up and fly a plane and you would be right, if there wasn’t a single line of cocaine to do. After one bump of coke, Denzel is ready to go like he got 15 hours sleep and a complimentary continental breakfast with grapefruits in him. Later, cocaine is proven to again be a wonder drug with Denzel. AND, cocaine is also given to a heroin addict to help balance herself out with the heroin because that shit is dangerous, but cocaine is the bandaid that fixes it.

Absolutely, nothing bad happens to Denzel when he’s on cocaine. But bad things do happen to him when he’s drunk. And most importantly, cocaine takes dopey drunk Denzel and turns him into suave straight Sidney Poitier Denzel.

2. Alcoholism is worse that heroin addiction

There’s a chick in the movie played by Kelly Reilly – you may remember as Watson’s wife from the Sherlock Holmes movies – who is a heroin addict in the movie and she gets over her heroin addiction almost immediately. She does heroin once in the movie and then never again and she never really has the itch to do it again. She also ends up going to an AA meeting to get help and they help her. I guess one can say that any addict can help any addict or that there are more AA meetings than other drug addict meetings, but either way – Denzel can’t shake booze, but she shakes the brown sugar in no time flat.

3. Kelly Reilly’s hair is stronger than heroin

As mentioned, this lovely redheaded lass plays a heroin addict in Flight about as well as Nicole Kidman played a janitor in “The Human Stain”. Both featured the exact same technique of transforming hotness into gutter trash by placing a standard temporary tattoo on their shoulder. Amazing. Kelly’s got a stupid spider tattoo on her arm and all of a sudden she’s not a model, she’s a heroin addict! … anyway, back to the point, Kelly’s fiery red hair looks immaculate throughout the movie. Whether she’s just woke up in her shitty motel apartment by the airport or overdosed on heroin or woken up in the hospital after an overdose and so on… her hair looks fantastic. You go, genetics.

4. Denzel’s dick believes in EOE for hot chicks

As mentioned, Denzel does this British chick Kelly Reilly during the movie. The movie starts with Denzel recovering from a night of banging Nadine Velasquez…

who is a hot Latina…

Later, Denzel’s ex-wife is revealed to be Garcelle Beauvais who is a beautiful black woman who kindly appeared in Playboy if you feel like seeing her naked.

So, white, hispanic, black – as long as you’re younger than him and hot. I was hoping there would be an epilogue where he was banging an Asian or something to really tackle all the big ethnic groups. Maybe a Chinese and an Indian chick… maybe a Tiger Woods like female chick and Denzel is just doing coke and doing her? Maybe that will be Flight 2.

5. Nadine Velasquez looks great naked

If you were wondering.

I mean one could probably assume the actress who played a sexy stripper on an NBC sitcom for several years would look good naked, and you would have been right with that assumption. The opening scene is Nadine strutting around ass naked for about 3 minutes and that scene should win an Oscar or at least should have been nominated for one in particular because those 3 minutes are better than all the minutes of “Lincoln” combined.

6. John Goodman is in every movie

Maybe John is in debt or fixing to buy an island or something, but Goodman is in every movie made nowadays at some point. If you watch any movie long enough, I’m pretty sure John Goodman appears in it. His character is good for him because it is comedic which he can do obviously (King Ralph!!!!!) but it’s also a “presence” character where he’s supposed to just walk in and take over a scene and Goodman can do that, he’s done it his whole career. And at the same time, I feel like Goodman was kind of playing The Dude from the Big Lebowski if he was playing that role instead of the other iconic role of Walter.

7. Give them dialogue or give them music

It’s the formula that certainly won over the world with “Forrest Gump” and director Robert Zemeckis uses it again in Flight. If Denzel/Gump are talking then you hear them talking, if they’re sad and sitting around then there’s the original score arrangement of a symphony, and if they’re not talking and they’re moving around doing stuff then it’s the greatest hits mix of classics from the 60’s and 70’s.

8. If you’re in a hotel, pick the lock of the adjoining room and drink all their booze

This I might want to try. I’m really not that big into actually stealing things in person. I’m more of an internet stealer where it’s just button clicks. But I am really good at picking locks. It is a knack I more or less perfected in college and never used for any bad deeds, but I’m quite good at it. I’ve actually done some good with it. I picked a friend’s apartment door when he locked his keys inside. I’ve actually done that a few times as well as done that for myself when I’ve locked my keys inside some place. Either way… in the movie, Denzel is in a hotel room and goes into the hotel room next door through the adjoining door and does so because God is a bit of a scamp in this movie and leaves the door unlocked. And then Denzel drinks all the booze in the impulse buy refrigerator. I’m 99% certain I could pick a hotel room’s adjoining door, so maybe I just sneak into that other room and take all that booze back to my room. Am I right?

Well, how about you try it first, tell me how it goes, and then I’ll decide to try it if you’re not hit with a bill or thrown into jail.

9. Denzel can still act

It’s not that I didn’t know this or forgot about this, but he just reassures everyone with this great performance. The old dog can still hunt. Denzel is turning 59 this year, which means next year he’ll be a sexy 60. I thought “Safe House” was watchable and “Book of Eli” is good for what it is, but it had been since 2007’s “American Gangster” that Denzel really stretched his legs with a character. The dude still has it. One scene that was great was Denzel in the hospital after he survives the crash and is all bandaged up and all you can see is half his face and he’s talking to Bruce Greenwood. That was a good scene right there. There is some fine work throughout the movie.

Denzel definitely deserves the nomination. I don’t think he’ll win. I think it is pretty much wrapped up for Daniel Day Lewis to win… even though I think Joaquin Phoenix should win. Speaking of Joaquin, I think he should have also won best actor for “I’m Still Here”. I don’t know if that movie would have been in the 2010 or 2011 Oscars, but he should’ve been nominated and won either year. Colin Firth’s speech impediment and Jeff Bridges acoustic guitar can take a back seat to Joaquin Phoenix in the greatest Andy Kaufman role that even Andy Kaufman couldn’t have done.

10. My girlfriend hates me for making her watch FLIGHT less than a week from us flying somewhere

I’ve been forewarned that this lovely lady…

… will squeeze my fingers until they break if there is turbulence on our flight this coming Sunday because of this movie.

We’re going to St. Thomas for a week next week and I may have broken fingers on that vacation. Might need to google St. Thomas and free health care or something.

I liked the movie. It was certainly enjoyable.

I thought the stuff with Kelly Reilly was a little forced and un-needed. She’s nice to look at and it gave you a break from Denzel from time to time, but it really wasn’t integral to what was going on.

I firmly believe all movies should now start with Nadine Velasquez being ass naked and walking around and only clothing herself in a thong. Or at least the Oscar nominated ones.

What To Do With Your Weekend?

February 15, 2013

Hellooooooooooooooooo, ladies… and gents.

First suggestion, get weird.

Second suggestion, avoid movie theaters. Unless, you’re going to get weird in the movie theater.

As far as new movies go, you got A Good Day To Die Hard which is polling just north of 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. So, is Identity Thief. Although, don’t be swayed by the rather high number for Warm Bodies and if you don’t believe me then check out my review just a couple days ago. And then not believe that and see it anyway. And then walk out of the theater going…

“Teresa Palmer really does look like Kristen Stewart.”

and

“I don’t know why, but I was expecting that movie to make at least a little sense and it made no sense. What about that part at the end when we see inside the human city and Julie and her idiot friend, who is also a medical nurse, live in this palatial Governor’s mansion and then there are humans who live in the city on the streets in dirty tents like even in a post-apocalypse society where the population has been severed – there are still homeless people!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?”

Third suggestion, watch the free UFC fights on Fuel TV starting at 3pm on Saturday.

There’s a great fight card starting at 3pm EST on Fuel because the UFC event is in London and it’s live, so it’s night time for them and middle of the day for me and whenever it is for you. The main event is a 135 pound title fight and there are some other really interesting fights on the card filled to the brim with European fighters. Specifically, Gunnar Nelson from Iceland is fighting… he’s the guy I met and Danielle met and he put me into several submission holds… http://www.ufc.com/news/Visit-with-Gunnar-Nelson-in-Iceland

The article was written in December I think and posted in January and since then Gunnar’s opponent got hurt. So, the article says he’s fighting Justin Edwards, but he’s actually fighting Jorge Santiago. Not that that is a huge difference for all of us, but it is interesting that Gunnar has only fought in the UFC one time so far (this will be his second time) and he’s been scheduled to face 5 different opponents. Originally, he was supposed to make his debut against Pascal Kraus who got hurt and was replaced by Rich Attonito who eventually turned down the fight and was replaced by Damarques Johnson who eventually did fight and lose to Gunnar. Then in this fight, Gunnar was supposed to fight Edwards and now is fighting Santiago. Random.

Fourth suggestion, Pinot Grigio bender!

Fifth suggestion, re-watch “White Men Can’t Jump”.

Sixth suggestion, avoid getting hitting by a meteorite.

And… I’m out of suggestions.

I hope you have a great weekend.

 

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