Kristen Stewart WANTS This Meat Sauce… Recipe

February 5, 2013


Today, I am prepared to help you make the GREATEST MEAL OF YOUR LIFE! … or possibly an alternative to something else that you normally eat and are now bored of. Fuck you, tuna cacciatore!

But first…

Unbelievable. I love it.

Ok, so… amateur food network time?

I’m going to teach you to make THIS!


Don’ cha’ you wish you had a boyfriend who can cook like me? Don’ cha’!

Tattoo pictured for authenticity. Flowers because bitches love flowers.

Ok, so, I’m not going to have too many measurements. Don’t get freaked out! Food is an art, not a science. Unless you know the exact ingredient sizes and then it is a science, I suppose. Anyway, I’ll give you some general guidelines.

The meat sauce isn’t difficult to make, it just requires time. That’s really what cooking is. Time. Remember when Morgan Freeman in Shawshank talked about the study of geology being time and pressure, well, cooking is time and heat. That’s really about it.

You can make the sauce itself in about 20 minutes tops, but I let the sucker sit for 3 hours or more on a low flame and stir it every 45 minutes or so. And, I might add more pepper every once in awhile because I like it peppery. LET’S DO THIS!!!!!


– 1 big ass can (28 Ounces) of Tomato Puree

– 1 pound of ground turkey (you can use ground beef, but I like to pretend I’m looking out for myself)

– whatever pasta and whatever amount you want to use – pictured is rotini,

– garlic

– garlic salt

– garlic powder

– onion powder

– sugar

– salt

– pepper

– Olive oil

– Parmesan cheese

That’s it.

Ok, so, this is what you do with it… You… SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT!!!! AHAHAHAHAH!!!

Hahah… hooh…whew… ok…


Take that big ass can of tomato puree and open it up and dump its contents into a big ass pot. I use Tuttorosso New World Style tomato puree, if you’re wondering. Since the puree is usually coating the inside of the can, I usually pour some water in, like a fifth of the way up, and swirl it around in the can to get more of that puree and pour that into the pot as well.

Put that puree on a low flame. As mentioned, this sauce is going to be on this flame for the next 3 hours at least. So, get it comfortable.

Then bring these mofos out…

Actually, the olive oil doesn’t come into play until later.

As for the rest, you can do it in any order you would like, but we need to add salt, pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, and sugar.

As for the two powders (onion and garlic), when you shake them into the sauce you should notice they sit right on top of the sauce and they show up nice against it. So, I like to shake out a layer of Onion and Garlic powder individually over the sauce. I’m not trying to cake it on it, but a thin layer of garlic powder then a thin layer of onion powder.

For sugar, I try to do the same, but sugar disappears into the sauce and doesn’t sit on top like the powders. I grab a small handful and sprinkle that in, and then grab another small handful and sprinkle that in.

For salt, shake it until you think it might be too salty then stop.

For pepper, shake it until you think it might be too peppery then keep going. Then get worried that Jordan is out of his mind about how much pepper and keep shaking it for like another few more. As you can see, that’s a grinder up there, so if you have a grinder just keep grinding until all your thoughts are about me grinding in a sexual way and then keep grinding a bit more.

Specifically with pepper, I like the sauce to the point that when I stir the sauce that there’s a good amount of pepper showing on the wooden spoon. I want to see some pepper. So, it’s going to be more pepper than salt if you’re wondering. Don’t worry that it’s going to be all pepper tasting. It’s not.

Parmesan cheese, throw some of that in there. Especially, if you have that shredded kind. Throw a handful or so in there. It adds some cheesy texture to the sauce.

Garlic, I don’t really know garlic terminology, but when you have garlic and you’re peeling out those suckers. The garlic lima bean thing. You’ll want to finely chop it up or use a garlic press. Isn’t “clove” the whole deal? I don’t know. Either way, peel out 3 or 4 garlic bulbs, chop or press (I prefer chop), then throw that in there.

Stir that shit!

At this point, I usually like to jack the flame up to as hot as it goes to get this wonderful brew boiling for just a minute. So, raise the temperature up and let it really cook for a minute and then bring the temperature back down to the lowest setting.

Stir again and cover. With everything in there, cover it and let it chillax on that low flame.


I know the expiration date says what it says, but it’s frozen. We froze it.

Also, get whatever Jew jokes you want out of the way because I do like buying kosher meat. You should too. What’s the big deal, you anti-semite? Jews have a very good reputation in the different industries we hold sway in.

Take your ground meat and throw it in a pan because you’re going to brown it.

While you’re stirring the meat and breaking it up into littler clumps, bring out your seasoning buddies from before and throw some pepper, garlic salt, garlic powder, and onion powder. Technically, you don’t need “garlic salt”, but we have it, so I use it. Regular salt can do.

So, brown the meat and season it.

Once it is done, take out some olive oil and lightly drizzle it over the meat. Don’t use a lot. It’s just adding a little taste and kind of just brushing the meat with some of that lovely Italian oil.

Stir the meat around and dump it into the tomato puree pot.

Stir the meat into the tomato puree and let those two bad bears mingle.

As mentioned, let that sit on a low flame for 3 hours or so with stirring and tasting every 45 minutes or so.

Through out the course of it sitting on the burner with the lid on and you occasionally peeking in, if it doesn’t taste salty enough throw some in or if you’re not seeing pepper on the spoon then throw that in.

When you’re near the time you’re ready to eat, boil up some pasta – you weirdo.

We’ve eaten it over rotini, penne, and linguine or however you spell those pastas. It works fine with them all.

Once you’re done with the pasta… add cheese and SERVE IT!

Voila! Or Viola! Or whatever!

It also reheats well so it makes good leftovers too.

The particular night in question, Danielle and I also made garlic bread, so… VOILA VIOLA!

Yes, that’s a Medieval Times cup.

Yes, that’s a Barq’s Diet Root Beer.

Yes, we usually eat on our ottoman table in front of the TV.

Yes, that’s a beer pong, ping pong ball.

Yes, we usually use paper towels as napkins.

As for the garlic bread… butter, garlic powder, and grated Parmesan cheese and put that in the 350 degree oven until it’s all golden brown, so like 10-15 minutes usually.


That’s supposed to be “end” in Italian.

Just saying…

If you do make it, I’d love to hear your results.


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