February 11, 2013

Good day, ladies and gents!

It’s a beautiful day. A world of snow outside being drowned in a gray hazy rain today. Just beautiful indeed. It’s a glorious sight to behold after a restful slumber filled with dreams of zombie beheadings and Lena Dunham’s nipples: Edith and Amelia.

If you do not follow me on twitter you may have missed that Danielle and I agreed that due to the raw abundance of screen time of Lena Dunham’s nipples specifically on this season of Girls, we thought they should have names. We quickly agreed on Edith and Amelia. I think they’re lovely names for Lena Dunham’s nipples.

I wish I knew someone who did little projects like this – instead of making myself do it – but I would love to know the statistical breakdown of how much each character gets as far as screen time and how many scenes are they are in. I would like that person to factor all of the characters into the show and Lena Dunham’s nipples, Edith and Amelia. My hypothesis is that no character outside of Hannah (Lena) has had more screen time or appeared in more scenes than Edith and Amelia.

You know how some ladies refer to their boobs as “the girls”, I think it’s pretty obvious at this point that “Girls” isn’t referring to young females in general or the female friends of Hannah, but more so referencing her nipples, Edith and Amelia.

As for “The Walking Dead” it was fine. Not an episode I’ll go out of my way to rewatch or anything. I’m glad “Cutty” Dennis Wise from The Wire is on the show nowadays. I hope we get to see more of him and his hammer doing stuff… stuff like killing zombies. One thing I did like about the show last night was the scene where Glen was yelling at Rick after Glen heel stomped that zombie’s head. In the background, you could see a few zombies here and there slowly making their way through the trees. I liked that light touch that they’re ever present.

Something else was on TV and I watched about 45 seconds of it: THE GRAMMYS!

I guess CBS was on because we watched “60 Minutes” and it’s handjob and blowjob about “Lincoln” and how wonderful it is when it’s really just the greatest acted TV movie ever made, so the Grammys were on afterward I believe.

Either way, we caught the opening where Taylor Swift played that hilarious song about how she’s never ever going to get back together with one of the guys who seemingly broke up with her or were completely cool with seeing her go. It was a big production. I think the big assumption is that Taylor doesn’t have much of a personality and I assume this was to thwart that idea. I don’t know. I caught 45 seconds, saw Taylor dressed in a white Sgt. Pepper’s jacket and a skirt and there were the randomest looking back-up dancers and it was either kick a hole through my TV or switch the channel.

So, I assume they only got worse from there. BUT! Who doesn’t love a fucking red carpet?!

I’m hoping I can keep my responses quick, but you know me *check above* I can get a little wordy, so we’ll see. No promises.



I didn’t know we all wanted to see J-Lo’s thigh this much. The “dress” is a black sheet. And it looks like J-Lo forgot to do her make-up and her hair might as well be in a scrunchy. At the time, Ben Affleck must’ve thought dating J-Lo was a reasonable idea, but looking back at it even he must think he was crazy.

Black Barbie.

Hey, it’s not me that’s racist – it’s Barbie. Rihanna looks great and is one of the very few that could look good in a dress like this. Of course, she was snuggling up to Chris Brown while looking this good, so -1,000,000 life points for that.


I haven’t watched an episode of the Starz show “Spartacus” but I will start watching that softcore Roman prison porn TV show if Taylor Swift gets in on the action. I’m just saying, viewership is hard to come by and I will become a loyal fan of the show if it turns into Taylor Swift being apart of 3 ways after heavily CGIed gladiatorial fights. Just a suggestion, Starz.

I hate it.

And, I’m going to pretend like it never happened.


It’s quite a racket that these “dress designers” or “fashion designers” have made for themselves. In all honesty, this is way less creative than anything I would come up with. Reason being, my initial thought would be that I couldn’t just cut a hole in a seafoam green sheet where Katy’s phenomenal boobs are and call it a day. I would think that I would have to do more than that, but I’m wrong. Give the people what they want: KATY PERRY’S BREASTICLES! Most definitely, last night Katy Perry was “The People’s Champ” whether she won an award or not. We want her boobs and she gave them as much as she could.

It’s like Katy and J-Lo had the exact same idea, but J-Lo didn’t get the memo right. We don’t want to see her thigh, it’s her butt that we want to see. Honestly, that’s debatable considering any skin of hers I see I can only think of Marc Anthony greasily sodomizing it – each patch of skin. But J-Lo was just wearing a sheet, did nothing with her face or hair, and just flaunted her thigh… meanwhile, Katy did the say same thing but with her boobs and a nation was grateful. Which nation? The human nation.

I love this picture for all the reasons.

1. boobs

2. Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi are still together.

3. Lesbians and myself should have a lot in common. I feel like lesbians want to carry it that they don’t want to objectify women because they are also women themselves and there is a whole women’s rights issue in there… and I get that… but I think I’m an equal opportunity objectifier. I’m objectify anyone. Who do you want me to objectify? Doesn’t make any difference to me. We’ve all got brains, thoughts, and feelings, but no one should forget about the boobs, butts, penises and vaginas – respectively speaking – that we have.

Anyway, I like boobs. I believe lesbians like them too. I think we could have a healthy discussion about them together. It’ll be fun. BOOBS!

I like it.

I think Carrie Underwood looks like she’s dressed for the Oscars and not the Grammys, but to her I guess these are the Oscars. Either way, she looks great and it appears her fashion designer got their money’s worth and fucking designed something. Well done.


Besides, nips and butts being banned, was lipstick banned as well? Or rouge? I hope that’s how you spell it. I’m a pale motherwhatever, but I’m also not tarting myself up and appearing on TV. These people look like lifeless. And Carly has got a Lara Flynn Boyle thing going on and that’s not a compliment. What’s with the gloomy look, Carly? Did he not call you, maybe?

Alicia looks fine.

I liked the Super Bowl outfit a million times better.

They need to get this broad back into movies. She has a nice little run going.

If you look close enough, J-Tim’s jacket is a little psychedelic.

By the way, Justin Timberlake, I hate your new song.

Also, why is your wife in hiding? People talk about Tom Cruise shutting away Katie Holmes, but since Jessica Biel shacked up with Tims over here – who has seen her? Anyone?

I’ve got nothing much to say minus my buddy once saw Jessica Biel and she caught him staring at her ass and she smiled. He’s a handsome man though, but, either way, Tim’s should watch his back.

A lot of people made the joke that the band FUN does not look fun. Agreed.

I heard a rumor aka Danielle saying she heard a rumor that one of these guys plays with Edith and Amelia on his down time. Is that true?

I’ll give her props for trying, but I don’t like the delivery.

I thought Adele nailed her Adele look with the black dresses with the white neck line. I was getting comfortable without that uniform.

Whatever, get back to singing. Even I want a new album from her stat.

You can’t really see it here, but it was a big story that Faith Hill has braces now.

Why? Who the fuck knows.

To me, Faith Hill is the owner of the legs that sing the Sunday Night Football theme on NBC. I have almost no clue what she has spent the rest of her life doing.

The guy? I know he’s a musician as well but I couldn’t name a song, lyric, or hum a tune of anything he has done in his career.

Frank Ocean is seemingly wearing something Keenan Ivory Wayans threw out from the 1993 Grammys.

I know people are real into this guy, but I’ve heard a few songs and you can have him. I won’t fight you for him.


Although, Beyonce won the war like 5 years ago, Kelly Rowland won this little skirmish.

Kelly might not have a man that is as successful as Jay-Z’s butler, but she’s got a body on her. Wow. And a face too. Kelly is pretty. But that body. She should be in movies with Alicia.

Definitely gets less screen time than Edith and Amelia. No doubt!

It’s funny to think that Allison Williams may have had more screen time in panover shots of the crowd at the Grammys than she has had this season. And her two big scenes this season were awkwardly fucking two guys she shouldn’t be fucking.

Do people really buy this guy from the Lonely Island as this sexual attraction? I guess he’s supposed to be a big famous artist on the show that Allison is intimidated by… I don’t know, but the Lonely Island? Andy Samberg’s lieutenants in making silly rap songs? Whatever.


I would pay a million dollars to watch Kat Dennings’ and Katy Perry’s boobs fight.

I’m just one man too – a man who doesn’t have a million dollars. But if we could get men with a million dollars or lesbians who have a million dollars who share the same dream… I’m guessing we’ll be able to put together a charity drive that could fix our nation’s school system. I’m just saying, think about the picture Kat and Katy… the big picture of your boobs fighting. Fighting for the future. Wonderful.

And, amidst my tears from the awe-inspiring sight, I would whisper like Larry Fishburne in “The Matrix: Revolutions” about when he sees the machines stop attacking Zion and he thinks of Neo and he says, “he fights for us”. That’s what I would do, but it would be “they” and “they” would be their no doubt milky, porcelain white boobs slapping each other for the good of humanity.

If someone told me that the kid who slides on his elbow while doing a handstand at the beginning of “Stomp the Yard” would be one of the most controversial characters in pop-culture for the better part of a decade… I probably would’ve nodded. Seriously, any man who has the ability to do a headstand while sliding on the point of his elbow has too much power for his own good. They say, absolute power corrupts absolutely and that elbow/slide/handstand was simply too much for the frail human mind to handle. I blame Chris Brown’s elbow.


A stegosaurus?

Keith Urban has gained a little bit of weight, but gained a lot a bit of style since we all last saw him.

Nicole looks a little alien as usual. Like a hot alien, but just not from this world. Also, she looks a little chesty in this outfit, which is great.

The Grammys love LL Cool J.

More like GL Cool J, right?


I’m still surprised so many beautiful women have put this man’s penis into their body.

I don’t think that will ever be less shocking to me.

Like I can think of at least a dozen women that I know of who have housed his penis until ejaculation. So, what does that mean? Like he’s slept with another 100 on top of that?

I love John Legend.

I had absolutely zero thoughts about the man before he shacked up with Chrissy Teigen, but since I’ve got an endless amount of admiration for the man. Also, most of the pictures I’ve seen of him with Chrissy has been something like this, where to me it suggests, “What can I say? I will forever bang a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model who is also funny on twitter. You’ll never see me complaining.” And with that, I love John Legend.

Did he make her?

I won’t lie, if someone told me that Pharrell made a female robot as a companion and as his new back-up singer – I would believe you. I’d probably say something like, “that sounds like something he would do.” And then never question it ever.

I don’t know what is going on with her face in this picture, but that aside I think this is a momentous occasion where Kaley’s hair doesn’t looking fucking terrible at an awards show.

That’s all I got on that one.

I love Jack White, but…

“Blunderbus” is a pretty forgettable album. Especially compared to what you would want or expect from Jack White. It’s kind of meh.

I can now see why deadmau5 wears that mouse helment.

Kat Von D. I would’ve guessed she would be wearing something a little more dangerous.

I didn’t know that these two weren’t a group. But my question is, why aren’t they group?

Fuck it, right? I’ve never heard another song by Gotye and I never knew that this lovely helmet haired lady was not apart of Gotye and had her own name, Kimbra. Also, I would never think that that guy was just Gotye nor would ever think this chick would be a Kimbra. So, they should just make music together always. Or at least once more.

If Kimbra’s outfit was green instead of white then she would make for an excellent Tinkerbell. Or possible Poison Ivy. I don’t know. I like this outfit, it’s like an anime cosplay looking outfit.

The guy? He looks like a dweeb, but what do I know.

Amber Rose is like Jessica Simpson pregnant. She may have a 100 babies in that stomach.

As for Wiz? I would think it is scientifically impossible for him to inseminate someone. I wouldn’t think he had enough functioning mass or took in enough nutrients to create enough excess protein to make jizz.

You know how sometimes we look at men with incredibly skinny women and we’re like, “that guy must like fucking skeletons or little boys or the skeletons of little boys” I mean we all do that, right? Well, I feel like all I can guess is that Amber Rose likes fucking blunts. A tightly wrapped, skinny brown stick object that is filled with weed. That’s pretty much Wiz. Anyway…

Swedish House Mafia?

More like Dirt Bag Italian Looking House Mafia.

Ken dolls.

Am I the only one who thinks when these two bang that it’s such a perfect union that a light emits from where one of their genitals enters the other’s orifice? Am I the only one picturing that? Are you picturing it now?

Until the day I die, I’ll remember this chick Esperanza Spalding’s name.

Never heard a song or any of that, but I’ll never forget that hilarious moment when she crushed all of Justin Bieber’s fans’ hearts.

Sting is as pointy as an arrow. If you could construct a big enough bow, Jennifer Lawrence could literally shoot Sting like an arrow.

Is this woman not feeding Sting? Or is she sucking the life out of him through all that tantric sex?

And lastly…

Ronnie Dunn has seen better days.

He’s also seen worse ones too.

Kind of a wash.

And he needs a wash.

How was your weekend?



  1. tiffanized said

    I can’t imagine that playing with Edith and Amelia could be considered “downtime”.

    I am fascinated by super thin people. Gotye, Kimbra, Wiz. I’m going to guess you could put all three of them on one side of one of those giant justice-style scales and me on the other and it would just balance right out.

  2. Kim said

    I love your red carpet wrap-ups!! Never stop. I missed the Grammys (watching tonight) because I was busy watching the BAFTAs on BBCA — where all the same movies won again.

    And yes, DDL won yet another Best Actor for his portrayal of Lincoln. I’m not dissing him at all — the man deserves every acting award he gets. He’s so far beyond anything other actors have done. Could be the greatest of all time.

    Anyway, the dude in FUN on the left side of the photo (with the mohawk) is the one playing with Edith and Amelia.


  3. NixHaw said

    I am picturing it now. Thank you Jordan…

    Also, do not dis Florence Welch. No matter how green she looks.

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