My Review for “Warm Bodies”, “Warm Bodies” Is Stupid

February 13, 2013

Hi.

I saw a stupid movie yesterday.

You can probably guess which stupid movie it was from either the title above mentioning Warm Bodies or from yesterday’s post when I said I was going to see Warm Bodies. And, that’s exactly what happened, I saw Warm Bodies and Warm Bodies was stupid. It wasn’t stupid because I saw it. It was already stupid, but I couldn’t have fully grasped how stupid it was until I saw it. It actually was way more stupid than I could have imagined. I was worried that it might be a bad movie, but I really didn’t worry if it would be excessively stupid. Sadly, it was incredibly stupid and that really was the key to it being as bad as it is/was.

Warm Bodies is extraordinarily stupid.

Minus the “is” in the sentence and its importance in making this statement exist and function, the most important words you need to remember are the “stupid” part and the “extraordinarily” part. Of course, remember Warm Bodies to just so you don’t get tricked into seeing this movie. Although, I think from afar, like myself, you won’t think being tricked into seeing Warm Bodies would be that big of a deal, but then you end up exposing yourself to an extraordinary amount of stupidity and that’s not good for you, me, or anyone.

And I really want to hammer home that this movie is in fact extraordinarily stupid.

There is stupid. And we’re kind of used to stupid. Stupid is everywhere. We see people do stupid things in person. We watch people do stupid things on TV and the internet all the time. We see stupid stuff all the time like TV commercials. Most TV commercials are stupid. All those Viagra aka boner pills commercials that are just stupid. Old man dressed like a baseball player and his old man wife futzing with his cap and this is supposed to be about buying dick medication with the underlying theme that her futzing with his cap is leading to him giving her the high hard one for the first time since he discovered his erectile dysfunction and awkwardly talked to his doctor about it or got a few pills on the side from his creep buddy who probably plays on this old man baseball league. Don’t even get me started on the two clawfoot bathtubs scenes that are just stupid.

That’s more or less all – ordinary stupid.

Warm Bodies is extraordinarily stupid. It’s notable EXTRA amount of stupid on top of the ordinary amount of stupid we’ve got flying around.

So, what is so stupid about “Warm Bodies”?

Generally speaking, Warm Bodies is about Kristen Stewart doppleganger Teresa Palmer turning a zombie back into a human being because he wants to bone her so badly. And, at the same time, Teresa falling in love with a zombie through a mix of Stockholm Syndrome and cliche hot-chick-liking-anything-that’s-not-the-status-quo, which appears in way too many high school aged aimed movies. It’s actually even more stupid than that.

The two main characters in the movie are the zombie boy R and the stereotypical hot blonde who is so fucking stupid named Julie played by Teresa Palmer aka blonde Kristen Stewart with no bunny teeth and slightly bigger boobs.

The story from R’s side of things goes… R is pretty much already half zombie and half human boy when we meet him. He already has a record collection, sighs, has comprehensive thoughts and feelings about everything, understands fear, understands friendship, understands language, he makes plans with other zombies, and understands wanting to have a human home to himself. So… let’s just say right here that none of this is explained. None of it. None of what I just wrote is because of anything in the movie. It just is that way. Eventually, Teresa Palmer really pushes him over the edge with this stuff by really escalating this process back to humanity, but when we meet R he is already halfway there. It’s absolutely absurd. There’s no reason given that he’s just miraculously this prophetical zombie boy who is more or less living a human existence with other zombies but occasionally eats people…

… and that’s when it gets more stupid.

When R eats human beings, he tells us that he eats the brains of a human being for two reasons: 1. so that it won’t create another zombie and 2. because he can experience their life. The first reason shows that depth of thinking that’s way beyond any other zombie’s thought process which they never explain why he can do that. It’s just stupid that they never explain why he’s this special considering his specialness is 100% what this movie is about. The second is just fucking stupid. When he chomps on a couple of pieces of brain, R gets this rush like he’s taking drugs or is in The Matrix and they’re uploading information to their brains and he relives moments of that person’s life. Stupid. Is he the only zombie that experiences this feeling? If so, why is he the only zombie experiencing this feeling? Do the other zombies experience this as well and if so why are they not having the same reaction to this as R? R says it makes him feel feelings again, does it make the others feel feelings and they’re just shrugging them off or are they too collecting Bruce Springsteen vinyl in their zombie hovels and just waiting to stumble upon some hot blonde that they want to bone so badly that their heart starts beating again?

So, all of this stupidity leads into the amazing amount of stupidity surrounding Teresa Palmer’s character Julie…

First thing first, human beings have made a huge walled in city to save themselves from the zombie armies and Julie’s dad, John Malkovich, is the lord viceroy army general of this new human existence. AND the first time we see Julie she and what appears to be the cast of a One Tree Hill ripoff with Dave Franco and some hot brunette and a bunch of other young fresh-faced white kids are going on a mission into the zombie world to get medicine. Stupid.

So, the daughter of the President of the Apocalypse is going on shoot ’em up missions into the zombie world? No. That’s ridiculously stupid. There is no way John Malkovich allows his only daughter, his only family to go out and play around in the zombie world doing recon missions. And not only that, but to go with a bunch of completely untrained kids. Stupid. And, of course, Julie and her dad are on bad terms because they just don’t understand each other. Dad’s such a bully because he wants to kill zombies and keep everyone safe. Dad is so stupid. … Can anyone write a decent female character?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Anyway… Julie ends up on this mission where her group of idiot teen friends get over run by zombies who are of course R and his zombie friends.

R sees Julie and gets a zombie hard on. Who can blame him, right? Then he just so happens to kill Julie’s boyfriend, Dave Franco, and then eat Dave’s brains, which as we remember means he can relive Dave’s life and in Dave’s life he was in love with Julie.

So, while R’s buds are eating and killing Julie’s friends. R decides to approach Julie. Talk to her because he can talk and tell her she’ll be safe if she comes with him. He wipes a few fingerprints of zombie goo on her face and all the zombies think she’s a zombie. He then walks her back to his zombie hovel at the zombie hideout and tries to put the zombie moves on her like they’re on a first date and telling her she can’t leave because it is not safe.

Did any of that seem cute to you? Or did it seem wildly perverse?

To me, he forcibly kidnaps a girl. He kidnaps her under the rouse that she’s in danger and needs to go with him. The people she is in danger from are that guy’s buddies. While held hostage under threat of being killed by his friends, he tries to get her to let her guard down by appearing nice even though he is the only reason she is there instead of being safe at home with her friends who would be alive if it weren’t for him. I had a really hard time not seeing this as a Stockholm syndrome story.

I mean imagine a story set in Afghanistan. A squad of American soldiers are sent out on a fact finding mission. They’re ambushed by Al Qaeda and are killing the American soldiers left and right. One of the Al Qaeda is a doe eyed guy who notices that one of the American soldiers who is fighting for their life while watching their fellow soldiers die is actually a hot chick underneath all that camouflage. The Al Qaeda guy is like “she would make an excellent plaything aka my hostage girlfriend”, so he tells her to come peacefully and quietly with him or she’ll be killed by the rest of friends. He then takes her back to his Al Qaeda compound where at any moment she could be killed by one of the other Al Qaeda guys if she so much as strays from her captor for an instant. So the captor sticks her into his hideout and tells her she can’t leave and then tries to be all friendly like getting her a blanket or food, so that she can continue to live with him forever and never go home to people who don’t hold the threat of death over her head at all times. He completely separates her from her world or any means of escaping and does this so he can coax her into letting him get into those pants willingly.

Sounds about right, right?

What a lovely touching story this “Warm Bodies” is?

So, the premise is fucked up and not in the zombies being fucked up way, but in the I’m going to make my hostage love me fucked up way.

It’s also just stupid.

Moments into being held captive, Julie is all into the zombie guy. Why? He has records. RECORDS?! Yep. Julie and R listen to some music and she pretty much because his platonic girlfriend for the time being.

I’m really only scratching the surface of the stupidity. There’s so much more in the moment by moment actions or set pieces throughout the movie. It’s tough to really illustrate how stupid everything is…

– R and his zombie buddies live in an airport outside of a city. They walk to the city as slow as can be within daylight and then he kidnaps Julie and walks back with her within in the same day. Meanwhile, when Julie tries to get back to the human city, it takes her days to do so and even drives a car for a chunk of it. I mean is this city a moving city? If you can walk there and back within the day then driving there should take absolutely no time.

– John Malkovich says that the zombies as well as the skeletons (who are zombies who’ve torn off their skin and have no “feelings” seemingly since zombies seemingly have “feelings” or some of them do or whatever) are forming groups and are planning on attacking the city’s wall. He says they don’t have enough ammunition or man power to protect the city’s wall, so they’re going to go out there and attack the zombies and skeletons head on. What? If you don’t have enough to stop an attack from a defensive position then how are you going to attack them in the open field of life and defeat them head on? That makes no sense.

– The end fight scene takes place at an indoor baseball stadium. Julie and R run away from the skeletons until they reach a door at the top of the steps of the stadium and they open the door and it is just a straight drop several stories into a fountain. What? Why would that even exist? How is that the layout of the stadium that there is just a freefall door from the upperdeck to the ground below and not even just the ground, but a fountain?

– Of course, they jump with R being underneath Julie and when they hit the fountain from falling several stories, Julie is perfectly fine because R was underneath her. How does that work? The thing underneath you does not 110% absorb the impact of everything and you do not absorb any impact at all. Stupid.

– Why don’t the skeletons jump after them? The skeletons stay in the stadium and do not follow them even though the skeletons are supposed to be reckless killing machines.

– The skeletons as a character in general make absolutely no sense.

– They’re pitching this as a zombie version of Romeo & Juliet. I guess they never read Romeo & Juliet. Their thing is that some of the characters’ names are a reference to character names from Romeo & Juliet. Well, ok, but that doesn’t mean this has anything to do with Romeo & Juliet. Just naming a boy R and a girl Julie and saying that it is going to be tough for them to be together as boyfriend/girlfriend does not mean it’s anything like Romeo & Juliet. At no point in Romeo & Juliet is there a time where Romeo kidnaps Juliet and forces her to accept this situation under fear of death from either him or his friends.

The movie was wildly disappointing to say the least. I was expecting it to be cute and kind of funny.

There’s a movie on Netflix called “Fido” which stars Billy Connolly and Carrie Ann Moss and bunch of other people, which is easily one of the best zombie movies ever made. In that, there is a real dynamic of how a zombie could learn to be human and so forth through behavioral modification and receiving rewards and more or less dog training. That’s what this movie should have been about.

Instead… I got idiocy and the only upside was watching Teresa Palmer stumble around looking like she wants IT in her own blonde Kristen Stewart kind of way.

I saw “Take Me Home Tonight” which was bad, but not this bad. And I’ve completely forgotten her motives in that movie.

I saw “I Am Number Four” where it is Dianna Agron who plays the absolutely stupid girl who falls in love with the new guy for no apparent reason whatsoever and Teresa played the bad ass chick that the main guy should be in love with instead of dumb ass Dianna Agron’s amateur photography ass.

And now… “Warm Bodies”. Yuck.

Like Kristen Stewart, I don’t think Teresa Palmer is to blame for how horrendous these movies are that she is in, but I’m very leery of the movies she’s in and that she’s only attracting the attention of idiot filmmakers.

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16 Responses to “My Review for “Warm Bodies”, “Warm Bodies” Is Stupid”

  1. PWG said

    Your hilarious review actually makes me WANT to see the movie now, whereas before I didn’t. I want to see it while under the influence of a distilled and refined liquid grain product.

    Is he rubbing her boobs with those daisies? Man, teenagers and what counts for courtship these days, am I right?

  2. tiffanized said

    But NICHOLAS HOULT. If I met a zombie that looked like Nicholas Hoult I’d let him stow me away in a defunct aircraft and listen to all his cheesy 80s love songs and play with his bobble head toys, no questions asked.

    The book made more sense, not that it makes the movie less stupid but I feel the need to say it.

  3. Kim said

    Well thx for saving me the bucks! I was on the fence with this one, but decided against paying to see it because Palmer looks so much like Stewart, I couldn’t stand to watch. Sorry, but her Twilight overexposure, fauxmance and overall shit attitude has really worn on me. So much so that I can’t bother to watch another chick who looks so much like her.
    Bring on John McClane!!

  4. NixHaw said

    I freaking LOVE Fido!!!!!

  5. Genna said

    Okay, no. Your entire review is written with both prejudice because of your defence of the worst films known to man, and with sheer stupidity. You have not thought through any of your points at all, and therefore make grand sweeping assumptions and judgements that are incorrect. Let me fix those up for you, and your poor, ill-advised readers before you go turning anyone else off this film:

    Julie, played by Teresa Palmer in the film, falls in love with R, the zombie protagonist played by Nicholas Hoult, because of everything he encompasses. She misses freedom, adventure, and former life (her yearning to explore and “I miss planes” quote). Everything is ruined and she is trapped with her controlling father because of the zombie outbreak. Now she meets R, a zombie that not only breaks the mould of the flesh-eating freaks she has come to fear, but begins to change back into a human. Even before his transformation begins, he is humanistic, caring, and although he kills her boyfriend out of mere instinctual actions, he admits and is deeply regretful.

    Does this excuse his action? No, but as both Julie, R, and the audience can see, his admittance and heartfelt apology give her some sort of closure that she never received after the death of her mother. A sign of the changing ways.

    R’s thoughts and emotions are there, not because “he is half boy and half zombie”, as you put it. They are there because they show to the audience the strength of the human character and heart. Those that give these up, and give in to their animalistic tendencies become the Bonies. Losing their humanity literally causes them to lose any shred of human-ness that they still possess. Why else would it be so easy for the rest of the zombies to start becoming human again?

    You then go back to Julie. Why is it stupid for the controlled daughter of a tightass leader to want freedom? When others die in the line of duty – defending the base, collecting supplies and food and medicine, or rebuilding (as was the case with Perry’s dad) – wouldn’t the headstrong, independent Julie want to help as well? Just because you assume that any young woman who loses her mother or boyfriend to curl into a heap and die, a la Bella Swan, doesn’t make it reality. And who says they’re untrained? From the way Nora, played by Analeigh Tipton, locked and loaded that gun, I’d say that they would have had a fair amount of training over the eight years since the breakout.

    So R “kidnaps” Julie by disguising her human scent with blood, making sure she is not hurt, and defending her in his home. Sure, he yearns for a bit of human contact, but not once does he force her to stay. When he does see that she has left the plane, he saves her from zombies that want to eat her, and provides her with the means to get home safely. That doesn’t sound like kidnapping to me.

    So your review didn’t sound bad enough, did it? You couldn’t even convince yourself that R was an evil kidnapper, as opposed to being an infatuated boy merely keeping his crush safe. So you brought Al Qaeda into it, America’s worst nightmare, and prayed there was a tangible connection. I’m not convinced. Soldiers are soldiers, and when you get down to brass tacks, you have no idea what you are talking about. Did R ransom Julie or threaten her in any way as Al Qaeda most probably would? Was her life in danger? Was she even a captive? Where are you getting this from? He provides her with a bed, with food, with a car to drive herself home in.

    Now for the “moving city” as you so eloquently referred to it. You failed to note that it was a SEARCH PARTY that Julie and her friends were in, searching for medicinal supplies. They were most likely a way out of the city to find these supplies, as the closest places to the base would have been used up in the early stages of the apocalypse – it had now been eight years. Zombies can smell human blood, and so would have made a beeline for the group. Even if it took the search party five hours to walk there, and the zombie airport was a ten hour walk, that is still a few hours drive home from the airport to base. Because they were drenched from the rain, the car was running out of gas, and they were in an abandoned suburb, Julie knew it would be best to stop for the night, instead of putting themselves at risk of attack.

    John Malkovich’s plan of attack was an attempt to draw the zombies (both “corpses” and “Bonies”) away from the city, and kill as many as possible. Otherwise, the base would definitely be overrun and everyone would die. This plan was the sacrificing of several groups of soldiers, instead of their entire colony. What makes more sense to you?

    The door that they come out of obviously used to lead to stairs, a balcony, or a platform that had broken down or been broken over the years of disuse, or abuse from the zombies. And have you never heard of surface tension of water? Jumping from a bridge or cliff (like your beloved Bella) can cause serious injury, because the water’s surface tension causes hitting it to be like hitting concrete. However, R hitting it first broke the surface tension, and because he is undead, did not harm him as much although it knocked even his zombie self unconscious. Why did you think he held her above him, anyway? For fun?

    The Bonies don’t jump because they are animalistic, but they’re not stupid. Anyone, animal or human, could see that it would hurt like a mother or even be fatal to jump from there.

    And by the way, you should brush up on your Shakespeare before making grand assumptions. Romeo and Juliet strikes similar chords with Warm Bodies. R and Julie have a forbidden romance looked down on by her father, and initially her best friend Nora (a play on the Nurse character). Her boyfriend Perry (Paris) is killed by R and the two are aided throughout their ordeal by R’s friend M (Mercutio). In the end, her father comes to see that their forbidden love is really a gift, to open his eyes and stop the fighting. Eerily similar to the end of a certain play, wouldn’t you say?

    Please, before you go claiming wisdom and spouting inaccurate crap to overeager readers who lap up your words like the Good Book, remember to reach around and pull your head out of your ass and the prejudice out of your mind.

    • Genna said

      And yes, I did just write nearly 1,200 to reply to you! I am a huge fan of the book and thought for once that the movie adaption did it justice.. so didn’t think your piss-take of a review was very truthful.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        That movie sucked.

        If you’ve read anything else on this site, you would know that I hate Twilight movies/books. They’re fucking horrible. And, “Warm Bodies” is similarly awful.

        No shit “Warm Bodies” is a half-assed attempt at “Romeo & Juliet”. Sounds like you should read “Romeo & Juliet” instead of copy+pasting from IMDB’s trivia section the few and horrible parallels between the two.

  6. Genna said

    I have never wasted my time on IMDB searching random facts to prove you wrong. That may seem ironic considering how much time I seem to have wasted quashing your pseudo-intellectual drivel, but that’s irrelevant. I don’t care whether you think this movie sucks.

    As the owner of website “kristenstewartwantsit”, I see you must spend your time interacting with society’s finest, and are not at all pathetic. Thanks for your time, good luck with your life 🙂

  7. ZombieLover said

    the movie was great. loved it.

  8. I came hear thinking that you would have “intellectual ” arguments on why you think the movie is stupid. Unfortunately, you consumed most of the time saying how you find it stupid over and over again. Some parts of your argument you just exaggerated by saying R is saving this girl because he wants to bone her. And the girl did not fall in love with R just like some cheesy movies of chicks falling in love with dudes that are not in the status quo. The girl did not like R. As a matter of fact, she tries to escape from him thrice. It was through R’s persistence that she slowly falls in love with him especially when she found out he is changing to become human. And mind you, the president sent his daughter and her friends to get medicine because the soldiers should be guarding the majority of people in the base camp. And just because she is the president’s daughter it does not entitle her some “special security guards”. Apparently, the president would not hesitate to kill his daughter if she got infected. I’m sorry but I have not finished reading your blog because I find it more stupid than the movie itself. Mind you saying stupid this, stupid that, stupid everywhere does not make your blog come out intelligent. I find it annoying and stuck up that I cannot bear finishing it.

  9. Jay said

    LMAO I actually typed into the Google search bar “Warm Bodies was stupid,” because I watched it last night and that’s how I found this review, and I couldn’t agree more – extraordinarily stupid.

  10. WBfan said

    Is Kristen a hater, on Teresa, if so K needs some peanut butter with that Jelly

  11. Lexi said

    Your stupid for thinking Warm Bodies was stupid. It is the most cutest movie ever. WAY better than Twilight. But that is my opinion.

  12. nickey35 said

    I understand what they’re trying to do. But in all honesty, What male or female would want to live around Zombies? Especially knowing these once humans are flesh eating monsters? !

    There were no real disfigured zombies. They all seemed piece together nicely, besides the skeletons who seemed pretty strong for skeletons.

    I would have preferred if this film was about a cure to turn Zombies back into a human , and then the girl goes on a mission to retrieve the cure to turn her lover back into a human. At least their would be a real romantic plot.

    The airplane home? Stupid. There’s more stupidity but I’m not going there. I understand what the premise was about but it’s hard to think with their premise because of already knowing way too much Zombie history from other cult films.

    I never seen Fido, Shaun of the dead is my ultimate “Zomedy film. ” This was a cool review. It took awhile to get to the review with all the Stupid honorable mentions. … lol But we on the same page. Stupid movie.
    THE WALKING DEAD rules all.

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