My Review for “Warm Bodies”, “Warm Bodies” Is Stupid
February 13, 2013
I saw a stupid movie yesterday.
You can probably guess which stupid movie it was from either the title above mentioning Warm Bodies or from yesterday’s post when I said I was going to see Warm Bodies. And, that’s exactly what happened, I saw Warm Bodies and Warm Bodies was stupid. It wasn’t stupid because I saw it. It was already stupid, but I couldn’t have fully grasped how stupid it was until I saw it. It actually was way more stupid than I could have imagined. I was worried that it might be a bad movie, but I really didn’t worry if it would be excessively stupid. Sadly, it was incredibly stupid and that really was the key to it being as bad as it is/was.
Warm Bodies is extraordinarily stupid.
Minus the “is” in the sentence and its importance in making this statement exist and function, the most important words you need to remember are the “stupid” part and the “extraordinarily” part. Of course, remember Warm Bodies to just so you don’t get tricked into seeing this movie. Although, I think from afar, like myself, you won’t think being tricked into seeing Warm Bodies would be that big of a deal, but then you end up exposing yourself to an extraordinary amount of stupidity and that’s not good for you, me, or anyone.
And I really want to hammer home that this movie is in fact extraordinarily stupid.
There is stupid. And we’re kind of used to stupid. Stupid is everywhere. We see people do stupid things in person. We watch people do stupid things on TV and the internet all the time. We see stupid stuff all the time like TV commercials. Most TV commercials are stupid. All those Viagra aka boner pills commercials that are just stupid. Old man dressed like a baseball player and his old man wife futzing with his cap and this is supposed to be about buying dick medication with the underlying theme that her futzing with his cap is leading to him giving her the high hard one for the first time since he discovered his erectile dysfunction and awkwardly talked to his doctor about it or got a few pills on the side from his creep buddy who probably plays on this old man baseball league. Don’t even get me started on the two clawfoot bathtubs scenes that are just stupid.
That’s more or less all – ordinary stupid.
Warm Bodies is extraordinarily stupid. It’s notable EXTRA amount of stupid on top of the ordinary amount of stupid we’ve got flying around.
So, what is so stupid about “Warm Bodies”?
Generally speaking, Warm Bodies is about Kristen Stewart doppleganger Teresa Palmer turning a zombie back into a human being because he wants to bone her so badly. And, at the same time, Teresa falling in love with a zombie through a mix of Stockholm Syndrome and cliche hot-chick-liking-anything-that’s-not-the-status-quo, which appears in way too many high school aged aimed movies. It’s actually even more stupid than that.
The two main characters in the movie are the zombie boy R and the stereotypical hot blonde who is so fucking stupid named Julie played by Teresa Palmer aka blonde Kristen Stewart with no bunny teeth and slightly bigger boobs.
The story from R’s side of things goes… R is pretty much already half zombie and half human boy when we meet him. He already has a record collection, sighs, has comprehensive thoughts and feelings about everything, understands fear, understands friendship, understands language, he makes plans with other zombies, and understands wanting to have a human home to himself. So… let’s just say right here that none of this is explained. None of it. None of what I just wrote is because of anything in the movie. It just is that way. Eventually, Teresa Palmer really pushes him over the edge with this stuff by really escalating this process back to humanity, but when we meet R he is already halfway there. It’s absolutely absurd. There’s no reason given that he’s just miraculously this prophetical zombie boy who is more or less living a human existence with other zombies but occasionally eats people…
… and that’s when it gets more stupid.
When R eats human beings, he tells us that he eats the brains of a human being for two reasons: 1. so that it won’t create another zombie and 2. because he can experience their life. The first reason shows that depth of thinking that’s way beyond any other zombie’s thought process which they never explain why he can do that. It’s just stupid that they never explain why he’s this special considering his specialness is 100% what this movie is about. The second is just fucking stupid. When he chomps on a couple of pieces of brain, R gets this rush like he’s taking drugs or is in The Matrix and they’re uploading information to their brains and he relives moments of that person’s life. Stupid. Is he the only zombie that experiences this feeling? If so, why is he the only zombie experiencing this feeling? Do the other zombies experience this as well and if so why are they not having the same reaction to this as R? R says it makes him feel feelings again, does it make the others feel feelings and they’re just shrugging them off or are they too collecting Bruce Springsteen vinyl in their zombie hovels and just waiting to stumble upon some hot blonde that they want to bone so badly that their heart starts beating again?
So, all of this stupidity leads into the amazing amount of stupidity surrounding Teresa Palmer’s character Julie…
First thing first, human beings have made a huge walled in city to save themselves from the zombie armies and Julie’s dad, John Malkovich, is the lord viceroy army general of this new human existence. AND the first time we see Julie she and what appears to be the cast of a One Tree Hill ripoff with Dave Franco and some hot brunette and a bunch of other young fresh-faced white kids are going on a mission into the zombie world to get medicine. Stupid.
So, the daughter of the President of the Apocalypse is going on shoot ’em up missions into the zombie world? No. That’s ridiculously stupid. There is no way John Malkovich allows his only daughter, his only family to go out and play around in the zombie world doing recon missions. And not only that, but to go with a bunch of completely untrained kids. Stupid. And, of course, Julie and her dad are on bad terms because they just don’t understand each other. Dad’s such a bully because he wants to kill zombies and keep everyone safe. Dad is so stupid. … Can anyone write a decent female character?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Anyway… Julie ends up on this mission where her group of idiot teen friends get over run by zombies who are of course R and his zombie friends.
R sees Julie and gets a zombie hard on. Who can blame him, right? Then he just so happens to kill Julie’s boyfriend, Dave Franco, and then eat Dave’s brains, which as we remember means he can relive Dave’s life and in Dave’s life he was in love with Julie.
So, while R’s buds are eating and killing Julie’s friends. R decides to approach Julie. Talk to her because he can talk and tell her she’ll be safe if she comes with him. He wipes a few fingerprints of zombie goo on her face and all the zombies think she’s a zombie. He then walks her back to his zombie hovel at the zombie hideout and tries to put the zombie moves on her like they’re on a first date and telling her she can’t leave because it is not safe.
Did any of that seem cute to you? Or did it seem wildly perverse?
To me, he forcibly kidnaps a girl. He kidnaps her under the rouse that she’s in danger and needs to go with him. The people she is in danger from are that guy’s buddies. While held hostage under threat of being killed by his friends, he tries to get her to let her guard down by appearing nice even though he is the only reason she is there instead of being safe at home with her friends who would be alive if it weren’t for him. I had a really hard time not seeing this as a Stockholm syndrome story.
I mean imagine a story set in Afghanistan. A squad of American soldiers are sent out on a fact finding mission. They’re ambushed by Al Qaeda and are killing the American soldiers left and right. One of the Al Qaeda is a doe eyed guy who notices that one of the American soldiers who is fighting for their life while watching their fellow soldiers die is actually a hot chick underneath all that camouflage. The Al Qaeda guy is like “she would make an excellent plaything aka my hostage girlfriend”, so he tells her to come peacefully and quietly with him or she’ll be killed by the rest of friends. He then takes her back to his Al Qaeda compound where at any moment she could be killed by one of the other Al Qaeda guys if she so much as strays from her captor for an instant. So the captor sticks her into his hideout and tells her she can’t leave and then tries to be all friendly like getting her a blanket or food, so that she can continue to live with him forever and never go home to people who don’t hold the threat of death over her head at all times. He completely separates her from her world or any means of escaping and does this so he can coax her into letting him get into those pants willingly.
Sounds about right, right?
What a lovely touching story this “Warm Bodies” is?
So, the premise is fucked up and not in the zombies being fucked up way, but in the I’m going to make my hostage love me fucked up way.
It’s also just stupid.
Moments into being held captive, Julie is all into the zombie guy. Why? He has records. RECORDS?! Yep. Julie and R listen to some music and she pretty much because his platonic girlfriend for the time being.
I’m really only scratching the surface of the stupidity. There’s so much more in the moment by moment actions or set pieces throughout the movie. It’s tough to really illustrate how stupid everything is…
– R and his zombie buddies live in an airport outside of a city. They walk to the city as slow as can be within daylight and then he kidnaps Julie and walks back with her within in the same day. Meanwhile, when Julie tries to get back to the human city, it takes her days to do so and even drives a car for a chunk of it. I mean is this city a moving city? If you can walk there and back within the day then driving there should take absolutely no time.
– John Malkovich says that the zombies as well as the skeletons (who are zombies who’ve torn off their skin and have no “feelings” seemingly since zombies seemingly have “feelings” or some of them do or whatever) are forming groups and are planning on attacking the city’s wall. He says they don’t have enough ammunition or man power to protect the city’s wall, so they’re going to go out there and attack the zombies and skeletons head on. What? If you don’t have enough to stop an attack from a defensive position then how are you going to attack them in the open field of life and defeat them head on? That makes no sense.
– The end fight scene takes place at an indoor baseball stadium. Julie and R run away from the skeletons until they reach a door at the top of the steps of the stadium and they open the door and it is just a straight drop several stories into a fountain. What? Why would that even exist? How is that the layout of the stadium that there is just a freefall door from the upperdeck to the ground below and not even just the ground, but a fountain?
– Of course, they jump with R being underneath Julie and when they hit the fountain from falling several stories, Julie is perfectly fine because R was underneath her. How does that work? The thing underneath you does not 110% absorb the impact of everything and you do not absorb any impact at all. Stupid.
– Why don’t the skeletons jump after them? The skeletons stay in the stadium and do not follow them even though the skeletons are supposed to be reckless killing machines.
– The skeletons as a character in general make absolutely no sense.
– They’re pitching this as a zombie version of Romeo & Juliet. I guess they never read Romeo & Juliet. Their thing is that some of the characters’ names are a reference to character names from Romeo & Juliet. Well, ok, but that doesn’t mean this has anything to do with Romeo & Juliet. Just naming a boy R and a girl Julie and saying that it is going to be tough for them to be together as boyfriend/girlfriend does not mean it’s anything like Romeo & Juliet. At no point in Romeo & Juliet is there a time where Romeo kidnaps Juliet and forces her to accept this situation under fear of death from either him or his friends.
The movie was wildly disappointing to say the least. I was expecting it to be cute and kind of funny.
There’s a movie on Netflix called “Fido” which stars Billy Connolly and Carrie Ann Moss and bunch of other people, which is easily one of the best zombie movies ever made. In that, there is a real dynamic of how a zombie could learn to be human and so forth through behavioral modification and receiving rewards and more or less dog training. That’s what this movie should have been about.
Instead… I got idiocy and the only upside was watching Teresa Palmer stumble around looking like she wants IT in her own blonde Kristen Stewart kind of way.
I saw “Take Me Home Tonight” which was bad, but not this bad. And I’ve completely forgotten her motives in that movie.
I saw “I Am Number Four” where it is Dianna Agron who plays the absolutely stupid girl who falls in love with the new guy for no apparent reason whatsoever and Teresa played the bad ass chick that the main guy should be in love with instead of dumb ass Dianna Agron’s amateur photography ass.
And now… “Warm Bodies”. Yuck.
Like Kristen Stewart, I don’t think Teresa Palmer is to blame for how horrendous these movies are that she is in, but I’m very leery of the movies she’s in and that she’s only attracting the attention of idiot filmmakers.