MARCH MOVIE MADNESS… I want to see like 4 of them

February 21, 2013

Sup.

I have looked through the movies that are gracing our theaters next month. I’m going to mention 18 of them. As mentioned in the title, I’m prepared to see 4 of those 18. That’s not good, right? It’s probably about average throughout the whole year though. More than 20%, but less than .25%.; not good enough numbers to get you into the baseball hall of fame.

This year has started out pretty effing bad though. I mean we’re knocking on March’s door and I’ve seen 1 movie this year and I hated said 1 movie. I saw “Warm Bodies” and I was actually fairly excited to see it, as sad as that is in retrospect. Still, 1 movie? In two months? That’s got to be a low. I have read some reviews for “Snitch” starring The Rock that are favorable. Who knows. It can’t be worse than “Faster” or “Southland Tales” or “The Scorpion King”, all of which I sat through.

Either way, there are 4 this coming month, which is damn near a million in comparison to the last couple months. So, I’m going to go through these movies, some will get a lot more words than others. Others barely deserve a mention. I will say that one of the best looking movies of the month is near the very end and should be a wealth of inspiration for slash fan-fiction, which is always a concern.

21 & OVER

This looks terrible. As sad as it may be, I am no longer the demographic that this movie is pandering towards. It is pandering towards a demographic that is actually a decade (maybe more) younger than me and it makes me want to throw myself of a moderately tall building just thinking about it. Besides even that, I literally have no leg to stand on with this because I saw “American Pie” in theaters, saw “American Pie 2” in theaters, and I believe I own both on DVD, which makes me want to throw myself off a very tall building.

A week ago, I saw a picture of Jason Biggs online at some event, and it fucking hit me. I watched this guy fuck a pie. I paid money to see that. I paid money to see specifically that. That was what the movie was sold on. We were going to see an actor pretend to fuck a freshly made apple pie. His reasoning? He wanted to know what it felt like to have sex with a woman so badly that he simulated that feeling with a warm apple pie per the suggestion of his non-virgin friend. My reasoning for watching it? Because I’m an idiot. My reasoning for paying to watch it? Because I’m a fucking idiot.

I hope that I’m smarter now, but I’m preparing to see a movie with The Rock because it has The Rock and critics are saying it isn’t as bad as the commercial suggests. Maybe The Rock will fuck a pie in it and I’ll definitely see it. It’s a crazy world we live in and not that long ago a boy fucking a pie was the voice of his generation and now it’s Lena Dunham’s nipples. A two term black President aside, how much have we grown in the past decade? I don’t know even know, but I’ll never see this “21 & Over” crap.

JACK THE GIANT SLAYER

Nope.

This looks atrocious. Amazingly it looks worse than SWATH did. The trailers have absolutely no redeeming value. It’s a kids movie, and not even a teen movie. Not even a tween movie. It’s kiddy as hell and looks “Wrath of the Titans”-esque as far as CGI battles go. I’ll never see a second of this movie either. I have nothing personal against Bryan Singer minus that I think his movies are bad and he keeps making more and they appear to be getting worse. I do love “The Usual Suspects”, so he made one movie I liked and it was his first. Since then… all downhill. The first 2 X-Men movies? I’m not a fan. They could’ve been worse, as shown in “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”, but they could have also been a 1000x better and not made Cyclops a cry-baby wuss. Anyway, not seeing this.

THE LAST EXORCISM PART II

Nope.

I don’t see horror movies usually and I’m not breaking that rational decision to see this. There’s a greater chance I’m going to start collecting Pez dispensers than there is in me seeing this movie or any horror movie like it.

PHANTOM

No.

Honestly, who knew David Duchovny had the time to make movies from his hectic television schedule of appearing in scenes opposite a pair of naked boobs? I didn’t know that he had the time to play a “rogue KGB agent” in a Cold War submarine movie. Yep, this movie is actually about Russian subs and Harris/Duchovny will be playing Russian soldiers. I haven’t watched the trailer, but this somehow sounds worse than Harrison Ford’s terrible Russian sub movie “K-19: The Widowmaker”. Why were these movies made? Who fucking knows. Who sees submarine movies still? I mean “Crimson Tide” kind of put an end to that genre I think, but apparently not. I feel like the only reason to watch this movie would be to see David Duchovny destroying a Russian accent while speaking English and to see if he does a worse job than Harrison Ford did. Maybe a back-to-back viewing of these completely absurd premised movies? Throw in for good measure “U-571” and watch Bon Jovi act.

STOKER

Yes.

Park Chan Wook? Wook Chan Park? Chan Wook Park? Park Wook Chan?

I don’t even know which is the right one anymore because I see it every which way, but the man is a genius. I love PCW’s movies. I have seen them all and more or less I love them all. I absolutely adore Sympathy for Mr./Lady Vengeance. I love those movies. Oldboy is wonderful too, Thirst was an engrossing film, JSA is great, and I’m A Cyborg is weird and kind of bad, but there’s a strangeness and heart to it that I like. Anyway, this is PCW’s first English/American film and I’ll definitely see it.

What am I expecting? Disturbing stuff, a symphony orchestra score, imaginative, haunting… and hopefully it’s good. I think we’re kind of guaranteed on some of these. The storyline is incestual in nature and it’s probably going to be violent/bloody at times.

One thing that absolutely random as all hell is that the screenplay was written by Wentworth Miller aka the main guy in “Prison Break”. Generally speaking, PCW writes his own screenplays, so it’s kind of random he’s using someone else’s and on top of that it’s the guy from “Prison Break” who hasn’t been credited with writing a screenplay before. And the screenplay is about incest. I don’t know what any of this means, but I’m still planning on seeing it.

DEAD MAN DOWN

Nope.

I love the UFC. I love it. I write about it. I interview the fighters in the UFC. I watch the UFC as much as humanly possible. But, movies that “sponsor the Octagon” are usually fucking horrendous. Terrence Howard had an incredibly brief stint as a good actor and Colin Farrell is at this point a poor man’s Mark Wahlberg, which is terrible and insulting. The movie looks bad, but it also looks bad because of who is in it and that they’re pushing it so hard on UFC broadcasts. Like I said, I love the UFC, but they’re main sponsor for years was Mickey’s Malt Liquor and as much UFC I have watched doesn’t make me want to drink Mickey’s Malt Liquor any more.

I think “Snitch” has also been promoted on UFC stuff too, which is a reason why I’m not that into seeing it. Right now, the reason why I’m thinking about seeing “Snitch” is that people are saying it is nothing like how they’re making it look. Unless people start saying that about “Dead Man Down” too, I’m not seeing it. How it looks now – plain bad.

OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL

Nah.

I’m sure people will see this, but I think it looks pretty mediocre at best. I feel like best case scenario is that I would walk out of the theater thinking it could have been worse. I don’t think it’s a wrong move to see this movie. I could see seeing it. I could see why people would see it. Several very legit actors, a legit director, it’s a different take on a story we all know very well, and what else are you going to see this month? The incest movie by the Korean guy written by “Prison Break”? I mean, I see where people are coming from on this. But I really just don’t have any catalyst to see it. I don’t know anyone who wants me to see it with them and there isn’t anyone in the movie that I would specifically go see a movie just because they’re in it. Plus, it’s kids shit.

I feel like this movie is SWATH without Kristen Stewart. If K-Stew wasn’t in SWATH, I don’t know if I would have saw it. I was curious to see how she was going to do in the movie. That curiosity multiplied with legit actress Charlize Theron being in it plus an unknown director who had a background in CGI work and I thought the trailers were fairly engaging. I like Franco, but I’m not THAT into Franco that I’ll see this just because he’s into it. And I like Franco as an actor more than the chicks in the movie and as far as those chicks – I’ve seen what they can offer. I’ve seen what Michelle Williams can do and I don’t think I’m going to get her at her best in this movie and same goes for Weisz. Kunis was good in “Black Swan”…

Anywhatsle, it’s bland to me.

THE INCREDIBLE BURT WONDERSTONE

I’ll see it.

I don’t think it’s going to be the greatest comedy ever and I’m not even sure it will be better than “Bruce Almighty”, but it’s got to be better than “Evan Almighty”. Plus, I need to see a comedy every so often, and this looks more likely to be funny than either of Melissa McCarthy’s movies or the crap shoot ones aimed at kids who can’t even legally drink yet.

Plus, just the visuals alone are worth seeing it. Carell and Buscemi as Sigfried & Roy, and Jim Carrey as Cris Angel? That’s at least worth a few laughs without any dialogue spoken.

K-11

No.

I’m only mentioning this because it is Kristen Stewart’s Mom’s movie. And the plot is…

A record producer comes around after binging on drink and drugs. He finds himself in a section of the Los Angeles County Jail reserved for homosexuals, which is ruled by a transsexual named Mousey.

Is that more or less creepy than Wentworth Miller writing “Stoker”? Kind of a toss-up, right?

SPRING BREAKERS

Most definitely.

You’ve got 4 hot chicks in bikinis and James Franco looking like Kevin Federline on his worst day? Sign me up. I feel like I have to see this just to have an opinion on it because it’s already been talked about incessantly on the internet. There are people saying it is really good, people saying it is trash. I’m curious to see if it is one or the other or even both. I feel like there’s a good possibility it is somehow good and trash at the same time. It has to be wild, right? Franco’s this hedonistic crazed drug dealing gangster (a lot more interesting than a magician in Oz) who turns 4 Disney girls in bikinis into his gun toting posse? There has got to be some interesting scenes in this movie. And, it’s directed by one of the indie movie world’s darlings from the 90’s now grown up, Harmony Korine.

Imagining the guy who directed “Gummo” would one day make a movie with Selena Gomez? It’s too weird of a possibility that it has to be seen. Honestly, I have pretty low expectations for this movie but like I said – it’s too intriguing to pass up. I’ve never seen anything Selena Gomez has been in nor Ashley Benson nor Rachel Korine. I saw “Sucker Punch” with Vanessa Hudgens in it and her part was pretty small, but she was good in it I thought. Whatever. Them in bikinis is enough to hold my attention for 10 minutes, but after that if I see this in a theater I hope it’s not terrible because I’ve never walked out of a movie and I don’t want to start now. … But, if I’m watching this at home, I’ll certainly turn it off. I’ve turned off plenty of movies.

ADMISSION

It just looks so meh.

I’d see it I guess. I don’t really want to, but I would I suppose. Tina has been in maybe the least funny, garbage rom-com movies thus far. Paul has been in some good movies, but this doesn’t look like one of them. It looks so hokey. It also doesn’t look particular funny. It looks wildly unexciting. It looks like one of the least exciting movies in existence. It looks so harmless and safe and boring and I’m not sure why they’re involved in it.

CROODS

This looks horrendous.

Off the top of my head, I can’t think of an animated movie that looks less enjoyable than this movie. Or less reasonable. Why on Earth was this created? AND… at the same time… there is an unbelievably priceless and I would imagine fucking hysterical movie in this movie, and that’s the footage DreamWorks must have of Nicolas Cage in the recording studio doing the voice work for this movie. WHY ISN’T THAT THE MOVIE?! I would pay to see that. I would pay to see that at a higher price than I would pay to see a normal movie. If someone said would you pay $22 to see Nicolas Cage in the recording studio acting out this movie then I would say yes. If they said would you pay $32 to see the un-edited version of Nic Cage doing that plus the downtime in between takes and his multiple takes of certain lines and so forth, I would say yes plus I’m going to give you an $8 tip for just giving me this opportunity. Here are two $20 bills and I don’t even want to see a single cent of change because you’ve earned it.

INAPPROPRIATE COMEDY

I hope whoever made this movie is put in jail.

Like jail where people get raped and they are one of those people who get raped.

I could make suggestions of which jails those are, but I don’t really know enough considering I’ve never been to jail, but I will say I can come up with a list if that is helpful and will expedite this process.

OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN

I don’t know about “Olympus” but certainly the careers of Gerard Butler, Aaron Eckhart, Morgan Freeman and director Antwan Fuqua have fallen quite a bit.

Good Lord this looks terrible. The first I head of this movie, I thought it was a joke. An internet joke followed by an internet joke trailer made by the guys from “Funny or Die” or something. I thought this was making fun of these types of movies, but it’s not. It’s serious. And in that, I cried a thousand tears.

I was also just scared by the postman. Literally, the postman must’ve jumped the steps of my front porch in a single bound or jumped over the railing and just appeared right at the front door. We live in some high stressed times over here.

G.I. JOE RETALIATION

Still no.

It looked terrible last year when it was supposed to come out as mentioned on the poster in June. Then they fine tuned it and slapped some 3-D on it and It’s still a no.

I just realized The Rock has three movies coming out in the span of a few months – Snitch, this, and Fast Six. Amazing. I really hope this year is for The Rock what last year was for Channing Tatum like a new movie every 7 weeks.

THE HOST

Probably not.

There have been some absolutely terrible movies with the “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” as the premise and this could be the worst one. Is this another love triangle with Saorise and those two dweebs on the poster? I can’t imagine this will be any good. I don’t know why I would ever be lead to believe that it would be or even should be. The next brilliant idea from the broad who brought you Twilight.

THE PLACE BEYOND THE PINES

Yes.

Ryan Gosling as a bad boy motocross guy who turns to crime and Bradley Cooper is going to catch him… and probably kiss him up really good in hopefully the deluge of fan fiction that is inspired by this movie. Not that I read fan fiction, but I sincerely love the idea that it is out there. Why not. Exercise those demons in Microsoft Word. This does look pretty good. I’m definitely willing to give it a shot with Cooper showing he can act last year and Gosling showing he could do it several years ago. It’s got an interesting enough premise and the trailer makes it look quite intriguing. I’m for it. Easily the best looking movie coming out thus far this year.

and, finally…

TYLER PERRY’S TEMPTATION CONFESSIONS OF A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR

Nope.

I do enjoy the name’s of Tyler’s movies, but I have yet to see one. For the most part, the movie looks of the same quality of an MTV produced movie, which isn’t a compliment. It looks completely overly dramatic and shows just about everything in the commercial. From what I can tell, the very pretty black lady is married and she cheats on her husband with a filthy rich, attractive guy for those reasons and it turns out that he’s a bit of a woman beater and she’s now caught in the quandary of how do I explain to my husband that I cheated on him with a rich guy who is also attractive and he slapped me or do I somehow continue to stay with the slapper even though he’s probably going to move on or slap me to death soon enough? And I don’t want to be around to see any of that.

While, I hold no ill will toward Kim Kardashian, I’m definitely not seeing a movie that has received most of its attention to the fact that Kim plays a minor role in the movie. I’m not really interested in seeing Kim act nor am I interested in seeing a movie because she only acts like 2 minutes in it. And, I’m definitely not interested in seeing a movie about a woman who is a marriage counselor who cheats on her husband because a rich guy who runs around the park without his shirt on “rescues” her when she’s running around the park and a bicyclist and her collide in the park.

And… that’s about it for the movies… so was it 4? I think I ended with 4 movies that I would be interested in seeing.

How many do you have?

Advertisements

2 Responses to “MARCH MOVIE MADNESS… I want to see like 4 of them”

  1. Kim said

    Well damn, March is worse than I thought. I’ve only seen two films in the theater this year, “Mama” and “Good Day to Die Hard.” I enjoyed both for what they were — not expecting any Academy Award winning performances or filmmaking. sometimes you just want to be entertained.

    Anyway, I’m gonna go right down your list — hope it’s not too boring for ya.

    21 & Over — I’m offended that I had to sit through this trailer both times I went to the theater this year. Total waste of time.

    Jack The Giant Slayer — when I watch this trailer all I can think is — how did they get so many big stars to be in this piece of crap?

    Last Exorcism — no way. Not sitting thru another one of these.

    Phantom — I agree 100% with you here about Duchovny — who knew Fox Mulder would move on to boobs, coke, BJs, etc. in Californication. I watch the show and every week wonder why I continue to watch — like a car accident, I just can’t turn away. But I can turn away from Phantom.

    Stoker — wasn’t interested in the least till you mentioned Wentworth Miller writing the screenplay, wtf? I’m also a fan of Oldboy. Can’t wait to see what kind of shiteous remake we’re going to get of that later this year. Anyway, I might have to give Stoker a look.

    Dead Man Down — Collin Farrell — not going there, although I did enjoy Seven Psychopaths last weekend.

    Oz The Great and Powerful — this one had me the first time I saw the trailer. Now that I’ve seen the posted clips, I’ve changed my mind. Not that big a fan of Franco and all the CGI in this flick is gonna give me a migraine. Pass.

    Burt Wonderstone — this I could see. I think Jim Carrey looks hilarious in it — taking the piss out of Chris Angel and David Blaine.

    K-11 — sorry, but anything related to Kstew does not interest me in the least. Also, this trailer looks horrible.

    Spring Breakers — maybe

    Admission — even Tina Fey and Paul Rudd can’t make this interesting.

    The Croods — no, just no

    Inappropriate Movie — first I’m hearing of this one. What the Hell happened to Adrien Brody’s career? He’s worse off than Halle Berry after winning an Oscar. Not even giving this a 2nd glance.

    Olympus Has Fallen — rental, or better yet, DL for free. What can I say, I’m a chick and Gerard Butler’s hot, probably much the same way you feel about KS.

    GI Joe Retaliation — sorry, but anything with Bruce Willis AND The Rock is a must-see for me. I haven’t watched the first film, but something tells me that I won’t be lost in a complicated plot.

    The Host — fans of the book say that the first 3 chapters are difficult and then you can’t put it down. I didn’t make it past chapter two.

    Place Beyond the Pines — I’ve been reading good things online about this film for the last year. I will definitely be seeing this.

    Another Long-Titled Tyler Perry Movie — I’ve seen and enjoyed some of TP’s films, but I will wait for rental/streaming for this.

    Thanks for posting the March flicks — saves me the time and research, much appreciated!

    I’m looking forward to seeing how Seth MacFarlane does hosting the Oscars Sunday night. I’m sure you will have something to say — looking forward to that as well.

    Cheers!

  2. NixHaw said

    Pez dispensers!

    Also, in that poster of Phantom I thought David Duchovny was William Hurt until I read what you wrote and then I had to go back and look at the poster and see where was David Duchovny and then I read the poster and then I looked again, coz all I saw was Ed Harris and William Hurt… It took a while. It’s Monday. Whatever.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: