KSWI Presents: the OSCARS RED CARPET REPORT from SAINT THOMAS

February 25, 2013

Whaddup… or as they say in Saint Thomas… whaddup.

I’ve been in country with @_dharv for almost 24 hours. We had a horrid plane flight being stuck behind two senior in high school age guys who were either gay, boy, puppy acting, boyfriends or were the strangest brothers in the world. I hold strong that they were boyfriends because they had the same stupid haircut and were rubbing cheek to cheek, couldn’t keep their hands off each other, sticking their fingers into each others mouth, slapping each other, and at one point the one boy put chapstick on his lips then on his eyebrows. I don’t know what that specifically has to do with being gay, but I felt like that added to it. But I definitely didn’t think all this physical flirting was between two brothers… unless those two brothers have gay sex with each other.

Either way, they were annoying as fuck like two overgrown 4 year olds jumping up and down in their seats and slapping each other and so forth.

After that, we got to the hotel, unpacked, got dressed in beach clothes, hung out on the beach drinking rum, went to a fancy restaurant where everything we ordered was smothered in Gorgonzola and now we’re awake for day two.

Also, we watched most of the dumbass Oscars.

At this point, awards shows are fucking caricatures of past awards shows and only serve the purpose of allowing the rest of the world to pick and prod the stupidity of the show on Twitter. In that regard, the Oscars was a great success. There was a million funny things tweeted last night that I saw. We’re all watching the same shit and we’re all making fun of it at the same time. That’s a community. That’s interconnectivity that never existed in any previous decade. We’re not getting farther away, we’re getting closer. We’re allowing people on to our couch via twitter and listening to our thoughts and you’re reading theres. That’s humanity folks. Fuck the Greatest Generation.

Anyway…

I’m going to post some of the red carpet photos and make fun of them a bit.

It seemed to Danielle and I that the theme for the Oscars was either “wedding” or “future” some didn’t necessarily fall into those categories, but most did. Either you were going to your own imaginary wedding or you were from the fucking future.

OSCARS RED CARPET EXTRAVAGANZAASDFAASDFQASGGANZA

Future.

I like this type of future because it means we’re still into seeing chicks boobs. WOO! FUTURE BOOBS! If I had to really be critical of the dress, I would say it looks weird and it’s very straight with a complete lack of reality attached to it. Or a new reality where we’ve either evolved or been taken over by geometric overlords. BASICALLY, this dress is the first sneak preview of “Chronicles of Riddick” part 2. And, at the same time, I can’t be too critical because Halle Berry can wear anything… especially if she shows her boobs.

Wedding.

A wedding for nipples. NIPPLES! A wedding dress for nipples! Anne Hathaway killed that one scene in Les Miserablaesaables. And she was excellent in The Dark Knight Rises as well. And Anne has wonderful breasts with wonderful nipples and this dress is an homage to them. I’m all for it.

Wedding.

THE WANTESS!!!!!!!! She wanted IT so badly that she still came to the Oscars on crutches even though she cut her foot with glass and wanted IT so badly she awkwardly and defiantly hobbled onto stage to give that award for whatever that award was.

As for the wedding dress… is it a punk rock wedding dress on her way to getting married OR is this what happened to a normal wedding dress after a night or two of partying following the wedding? Either works.

Future. Or a goth wedding.

Either or.

I thought Sandra looked fine in the dress. Her hair was oddly flat. But she looked really odd when she was giving the award out. She looked kind of rubbery.

Wedding.

If it is white it would really looking wedding like. Jessica looks good and at the same time looks slightly nude with the dress matching her skin tone. She also looks like she is the Oscar if the Oscar was cross-cosplayable as a woman.

I hated “Zero Dark Thirty”.

Wedding.

Of course, she won.

Of course, she fell going up the steps.

Of course, of course, of course. She is the 22 year old Meryl Streep.

I don’t know about wedding or future, but Kerry Washington looks good as always.

Whoever is choosing these outfits for Kerry Washington needs to choose more outfits for more people. She’s also beautiful to begin with, so that helps.

FUTURE WEDDING!

Charlize Theron is an evolved super human and/or one of the super alien human like aliens who created humans like in Prometheus. She looks amazing. She looks like a comic book superhero getting married.

Adele looks so much like Adele.

Like exactly like how Adele looks.

Adele is so back to looking like so Adele.

Great news.

I fucking hated “Skyfall”.

I’m also thinking that almost every James Bond movie is terrible. All of Roger Moore’s are bad. All of Pierce Brosnan’s are bad. Quantum of Solace and Skyfall are terrible. And the list goes on and on.

THE FUTURE!

Naomi Watts is from the future and is part of the same genetically superior race as Charlize.

Egyptian wedding?

Future?

I’m mixed on this one. I feel like Salma looks amazing. I feel like Salma also looks like a Hollywood version of an Egyptian Queen and I also feel like this is a dress that could also be featured in the sequel of the Chronicles of Riddick.

Wedding.

It’s not a white wedding, so Amy Adams isn’t virginal. Although, it’s close to white, so maybe she didn’t go completely slutty. Maybe she just had a shocker done to her like one in the stink makes the dress gray. Just fingers.

Future.

Actually, this dress looks like Jennifer Hudson is Mystique from the X-Men.

Future.

Wedding.

Future.

Wedding.

Also, she should show more boobs.

And… there are many more to go, but I need to go to the beach and burn everyone’s retinas with my paleness reflecting the sun.

So…

I’m not sure about this being a wedding dress or the future, but it’s definitely “something”…

Olivia Munn.

Dress her in Wonder Woman’s bustier and wrap her legs in a red curtain. EXACTAMENTE! BRAVO!

Olivia went all out. I don’t know what it is, but it’s all out though. And she knows it.

What did you think of the Oscars? Or your weekend? Or these new Lays potato chips that are supposed to taste like chicken and waffles?

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One Response to “KSWI Presents: the OSCARS RED CARPET REPORT from SAINT THOMAS”

  1. PWG said

    I watch the Oscars for the opening and the acting, directing, writing and best picture awards. So I was excited to fast forward all the way through to the end and have it cut off right when Meryl Streep came on stage. My husband Tivo’s sports shows to end at least four hours after the game is supposed to end, in case there’s octuple overtime or something. He Tivo’d the Oscars to end 20 minutes past the hour. Like an Academy Awards show has ever ended only 20 minutes late.

    My strongest reaction during the broadcast was the overwhelming urge to take down Salma Hayek’s hair and just fingercomb/fluff that shit all up and let it hang down her back and shoulders.

    Followed by a mild curiosity as to whether or not Nicole Kidman’s bodice was going to bust open and spill her breasts all over the world’s televisions. It would’ve been classic if that had happened right after the boobs song.

    My favorite part was every hot man within 100 yards rushing to help Jennifer Lawrence when she tripped. Well played, JLaw, well played. As everyone on the internet everywhere chimed in, under those circumstances you STAY DOWN until they get to you and make one of those chairs out of their interlocked arms and carry you around for the rest of the night.

    Have a great vacation, or flight from the law, or whatever; I’m very envious.

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