Hello.

Thank you for the kind comments yesterday; they were needed and appreciated.

Today, Nick Offerman has decided to help heal the world with these 3 plus minutes on Fallon last night.

I know some of you are at work and volume isn’t your friend.

The visuals are incredible and certainly entertaining enough on their own, but take some time to listen to what Offerman is saying because it makes it that much funnier.

Especially the last bit about how he’s the least manly one in his family.

I hope you all have a great weekend.

Thank you again.

I love ya!

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My parents are putting one of our dogs to sleep right now. It’s our oldest, a 14 year old miniature dachshund named Lily. My mom got Lily in the Summer between my Junior and Senior year of high school. At the time, we had two other dogs – a West Highland white terrier named Tucker and a golden retriever named Rusty. Rusty was a surprise present for me when I was in 7th grade. That was the first time we had two dogs at the same time, and my mom wanted to get a dog that was for herself and that was Lily. A few years later, my parents got my sister a dog – a tiny tiny tiny poodle named Pixie – which she wasn’t ready to take care of that became another family dog.

When I was 23, Tucker, who was 14 years old and had been living with diabetes and cataracts for years, died. He died in my arms on the way to the veterinary hospital. When I was in second grade, we had to put our 13 year old Westie, Nicki, asleep and it was soul crushing. We got a new dog named Murphy who was an old English sheep dog who after a few years of owning him, we turned him over to a farm because he really wasn’t meant for a suburban life. Then we got Tucker.

Only a few months after Tucker’s death, Rusty collapsed suddenly. A sad trait of golden retrievers is they are very prone to cancer and very prone to developing cancer on their spleen and for that to rupture. The latter happened. One day Rusty was fine and the next she was having emergency surgery. For a week, my parents spent all the money in the world trying to fix Rusty from something she really could never recover from. At the end of that week, we had to put her to sleep at 10 years old.

It was around that time that Lily developed Cushing’s disease, which is also frightfully common amongst dachshunds and many smaller dogs in general. It felt like my family was cursed. But it’s part of being a dog owner. They will come into your life and you will love that dog and they will die much earlier than you will most likely. Amazingly, Lily has lived with Cushing’s disease and the various ailments that are attached to that for 7 years.

Not that it makes it easier to be there because it completely doesn’t – this will be the first dog of the last three that I wasn’t there when they passed.

My mom will be inconsolable for the foreseeable future.

I have a lot to say about Lily and the wonderful experience it has been to know her these years, but it’s not the easiest to type through tears or labored breaths or silent moments of reflection juxtaposed by more tears and heavy sighs.

I will say that my girlfriend, Danielle, has done a great job taking pictures of my dogs including and especially Lily. You can find the ones she’s posted on her instagram feed – instagram.com/_dharv … One of my favorites is from earlier this month when we were dogsitting the dogs while my parents were away for the week.

Lily will forever be in our hearts like Nicki, Murphy, Tucker, Rusty, and Pixie.

HELLO!!!!!

I’ve actually got a Kristen Stewart update! Ohhhh Emmmmm Geeeeee- who gives a fuck? Right?!

Anyway, Kristen Stewart and all her want was at the Kids’ Choice Awards last night where she received an award, which reinforced why kids should not be given the opportunity to choose who gets awards. I can only assume the award was for the Twilight crap and not On The Road. If it was for On The Road then I’m going to have to find the parents of those kids and find out why they’re allowing their kids to watch R rated films where Kristen Stewart gives double handjobs and does other sex stuff. I watched a lot of R rated films and look how I turned out.

GREEN MONEY SHOTS FOR EVERYONE!!!!

That Youtube clip is the most I’ve ever watched of the Kids’ Choice Awards for two reasons:

1. I hate awards shows

2. I don’t want to go to jail for being a pedophile

After watching the clip, many many many things strike me as crazy odd and creepy as shit.

– The green baby batter showering everyone from top to bottom is super creepy.

– The sea of children’s hands pawing at the celebrities as they make their way to the stage to receive an award they most likely didn’t earn.

– The static most pit pen of children in general.

– The celebrities being not kids, but hot celebrities who are getting felt up on their way to the stage

I’m all for the Make A Wish Foundation getting some cancer ridden kid a chance to squeeze Katy Perry’s squeezables, but to then put it on TV? Kinda weird.

Am I the only one thinking that it’s really really really not good having Kristen Stewart climbing a set of stairs in micro skirt through a pool of 11 year olds who are grasping at her calves?

Listen…

I don’t trust kids. I was one at one time and I know they’re not trustworthy.

They don’t have fully functioning brains, they can’t control themselves, they are on emotional roller coasters from hormones, they’re always dirty, and covered in germs.

I hope Nickelodeon or whoever is in charge of this hoses those kids down with DDT or something to make sure they don’t pass on their monkey pox to Selena Gomez as she tries to be nice and high fives one of them before ascending the grope stares to get a load of hot green cum shot in her cherub face.

So… yeah.

What else is knew?

What’s up?

Danielle and I are spending the weekend in Philadelphia aka Philly aka Illy aka Phila aka Philadelph aka that city that’s not the prettiest, but I lived there for 5 years so I have fond memories of it aka Rocky’s home.

I’m casually watching the NCAA tournament hoping Duke will lose.

I don’t think I care about who wins so as long as Duke loses. Albany is playing them right now and I have no faith in them pulling off the upset, but hopefully someone will at some point in the next week.

This Duke/Albany game is actually happening in Philadelphia at the Wells Fargo Center. I guess that’s a segue of sorts.

What else is going on? I don’t even know.

I thought this was pretty cool – http://www.buzzfeed.com/jimmyd2/if-these-10-hybrid-animals-really-existed-the-wor-7g4s

and this made me laugh yesterday…

It’s a video highlighting how absolutely awful the working copy of “The Walking Dead” videogame is.

It’s terrible, but maybe the people are actually big fans of the show and are keeping faithful how bad the show actually is.

Later in the video like 3 minutes in or so, they show that zombies can’t get through a simple wooden police barricade/horse. The character you control can easily jump over the barricade, but the zombies can’t so they have to run around all the barricades to get to you and if you jump over the barricade to the other side then they’ll run back the way they came to get you on that side. Brilliant.

Also, the zombies can crouch or crawl or really do anything.

What else is happening?

Kate Upton might be going to a high school prom.

Jon Hamm has a huge dick.

Amanda Bynes looks like a crackhead Nicki Minaj and she wants Drake to destroy her vagina.

Everything sounds pretty good in the world.

I guess that’s really it.

I just watched Price is Right for the first time in years and some woman bid $21,000 on her showcase showdown and the actual retail prices was $47,000. She was off by more money than she bid. Unbelievable. Meanwhile, the guy she played against bid $35,000 on a showcase that was only $27,000. So the dumbass dude lost to that dumbass woman. Amazing television program. The dumbass woman’s showcase featured a 2013 Mini Cooper convertible, which costs more money by itself than what she bid to begin with PLUS a trip to Carmel and Montana with hotels and such. I didn’t see the beginning of the show, so I don’t know how she got to the showcase showdown, but she has absolutely no concept how expensive anything is and might as well have guessed $1.

Have a great weekend!

I love you?

 

What?

Where?

When?

Why?

How?

I NEED ANSWERS!!!!!

Hello,

Per usual, I’m looking at what movies are coming out next month and it’s flat-out depressing.

WHAT HAPPENED?! I remember reading an article about how “Inception” was going to be the last great movie made. I would argue there have been great movies made since, but every time I look at these damn month to month what’s coming out in the movies release dates – it feels like movies are getting worse and worse.

I just wrote something last week saying that “Stoker”, “Burt Wonderstone”, and “Spring Breakers” were 3 of the 4 movies I wanted to see in March and, now, they seem pretty skippable. The fourth movie I wanted to see was “The Place Beyond the Pines” and the first review I read said that the Bradley Cooper section falls flat compared to the Ryan Gosling section. Unless that’s a metaphor for the dude having a standing hard-on for Baby Goose and nothing for the Coop-man then that means like 50% of that movie is good and the other is ok. So, that’s not the greatest endorsement AND YET it might be the best movie to come out so far this year because this year sucks big time with the movies.

So, what about April?

Is April any better?

Well… not a lot better.

Generally speaking, I think we’re holding our breath waiting for June 14th to roll around so we can see MAN OF STEEL and then not go back to the movies until like December when the Oscar winning movies come out. But I digress…

APRIL MOVIES – SHOW ME WHAT’CHU GOT!!!!

Uhhhhhhhhhhh… 6 Souls a horror movie starring Julianne Moore, The Brass Teapot a dark comedy starring Juno Temple, The Company You Keep something with Shia and Bob Redford… SKIP SKIP SKIP SKIIIIIIIIIIIPPPP!!!!… what else?

EVIL DEAD

Would you like to see the cute redhead from “Suburgatory” get torn to shreds by the living dead? Well… go see “Evil Dead”. If you’re not into the idea of watching this seemingly lovely young woman run around screaming bloody murder while some demonic creatures try to commit bloody murder on her and her like-aged friends then don’t see this movie.

I won’t be seeing the movie. I own the original “Evil Dead” and “Evil Dead 2” and several copies of “Army of Darkness” in different formats. I’m getting the idea that this new “Evil Dead” doesn’t have the humor and/or Bruce Campbell in it. So, I’m not seeing it. It actually looks exactly like the movie that “Cabin in the Woods” was specifically making fun of. But who cares about that right? Let’s just go see a movie about young people getting slaughtered every which way imaginable for no other reason than they decided to stupidly stay at a cabin in the woods.

Next…

Jurassic Park is coming out in 3D for whatever reason.

There’s Trance which stars James McAvoy and Vincent Cassel and Rosario Dawson, which I imagine if Danny Boyle made this movie 5 years ago those names would really draw me in, but not so much. Also, the storyline is so absurd and random that even I can’t imagine watching that run-on sentence of a plot…

Fine art auctioneer Simon (McAvoy), in league with a gang led by underworld boss Franck (Cassel), plots the audacious theft of a masterpiece by Goya from a major public auction. When Simon double-crosses the gang during the robbery, Franck retaliates violently and knocks him unconscious.

In the aftermath of the heist, Simon sticks stubbornly – and perhaps shrewdly – to his claim that the violent trauma has left him with no memory of where he stashed the artwork.

Unable to coerce the painting’s location from Simon, Franck and his associates reluctantly join forces with a charismatic hypnotherapist (Dawson) in a bid to get him to talk. But as they journey deeper into Simon’s jumbled psyche the boundaries between reality and hypnotic suggestion begin to blur and the stakes rise faster and far more dangerously than any of the players could have anticipated.

I feel like I’ve watched the movie just by reading that and by google searching Rosario Dawson.

She’s terribly beautiful and in terrible movies.

What else?

42 is the newest movie about Jackie Robinson and him breaking the color barrier into Major League Baseball. I think the best Jackie Robinson involved movie I can think of is the one that HBO did back in the day that was about the Negro League in general and focused on Jackie, Satchel Paige, and Josh Gibson. That was a good movie.

As for this movie, it’s got Harrison Ford in it as Branch Rickey the man who signed Jackie and that’s the downfall of the movie. I know it sounds sacrilegious for a Han Solo fan to say something negative about Mr. Ford, but Mr. Ford doesn’t act in good movies anymore and hasn’t for awhile. I’m guessing this isn’t the best either. Sorry.

Disconnect is a drama I’ve never heard of until this very moment and it stars Jason Bateman and an R rating for sexual content, some graphic nudity, language, violence and drug use – some involving teens. So, let’s all go see Disconnect together!!! KSWI FIELD TRIP!!! GRAPHICALLY NEKKID PEOPLE AND TEENS DOING DRUGGGGGSSSS!!!! What’s the movie about?

A hard-working lawyer, attached to his cell phone, can’t find the time to communicate with his family. A couple is drawn into a dangerous situation when their secrets are exposed online. A widowed ex-cop struggles to raise a mischievous son who cyber-bullies a classmate. An ambitious journalist sees a career-making story in a teen that performs on an adult-only site. They are strangers, neighbors and colleagues and their stories collide in this riveting dramatic thriller about ordinary people struggling to connect in today’s wired world.

So, it’s “Crash” but about the internet and I fell asleep twice reading that paragraph. About the only interesting thing could be the teen who performs nude stuff, but that’s about it. Who do you think Bateman plays? I bet it’s that really interesting character about a hard-working lawyer who likes cellphones. Sounds riveting.

What else?

There’s Into the White

It’s the movie where the ginger from “Harry Potter” grows up and flies propeller planes in the war. Which war? Who cares?

NEXT!!!!

Scary Movie 5? Yep. With a cast of “actors” who would’ve been just as relevant if they appeared in the first Scary Movie 35 years ago.

What else?

Lords of Salem for all those people stuck in 1996 and are still curious about Rob Zombie movies. Ehhh… that’s a bit harsh I suppose, but really it isn’t.

There is of course…

OBLIVION

Tom Cruise runs around the future with a gun from Halo and re-enacting the plot from Wall-E and instead of an iPod inspired robot to fall in love with, Mr. Cruise finds a steampunk Morgan Freeman. While that sounds absolutely retarded, it is in fact absolutely retarded and yet I’ll most certainly see it. Why? BECAUSE WHAT ELSE AM I SEEING AND TOM CRUISE DOES MAKE GOOD ACTION MOVIES!!!

Next!!!!

You’ve got Arthur Newman starring the British All-Star team of Colin Firth, Emily Blunt, and Anne Heche (?). It’s a movie I’ve not heard of I believe and the plot sounds like more or less Colin Firth falling ass backwards into Emily Blunt’s panties. PANTIES! But all British, proper, and boring.

There’s The Big Wedding which stars all of these people Robert De Niro, Katherine Heigl, Diane Keaton, Amanda Seyfried, Topher Grace, Susan Sarandon, Robin Williams, Ben Barnes, Christine Ebersole, David Rasche, Patricia Rae, Ana Ayora and sounds exceedingly paint-by-numbers although it is rated R and says there is brief nudity in it, so I’m guessing we’ll get to see Bobby D’s old wrinkly, Italian sausage slapping against Diane Keaton’s dry forehead. Sounds good, right?

What else?

There’s Mud where you get to see Mr. Abs himself Matthew McHonasodufahey or however you spell it try to act all serious.

And lastly…

PAIN & GAIN

It’s the movie where we’re all going to suspend disbelief that the two tiny guys on either side of The Rock look anything like The Rock.

LOOK AT THE ROCK!!!! HE’S FUCKING ENORMOUS!!!!

He’s got to be at least 8 inches taller than Wahlberg and all of Wahlberg’s muscles could fit on one of The Rock’s arms. As for Anthony Mackie on the other side of The Rock? There’s a good chance that’s what The Rock looked like in second grade.

The Rock is a freak and a wonderful freak at that. The other two are actors.

Also, this movie looks terrible.

Anyway…

THAT’S APRIL!!!!

So, we’ll all just pretend that Hollywood isn’t pissing away money until June when MAN OF STEEL appears.

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