I’m Back From St. Thomas And Now I’m Dogsitting In New Jersey

March 4, 2013

Hellllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooo… ooo… o.

Well, I’m back. Sort of. I’m not back in the home that I pay for, but I’m in New Jersey and dogsitting my family’s four rambunctious femme fatales who generally smell like piss. Not like soaked in it, but like a faint mist of it. Like if you thought about it then you would realize you’re smelling piss, but if you didn’t think about it, you would just think it is kind of musty in the room and attribute it to the body heat of four animals running about.


I was here…

On that beach down there with the water and those two flotation enjoyment devices that I have never attempted trying to get on top of.

What I did do was drink a lot of these babies…

I don’t know what it is about living in the islands or tropical places in general, but if the drink isn’t neon then they’re not into it.

Maybe it’s because electricity is so damn expensive down there that they use these questionable cocktails as makeshift flashlights to lead them around the winding, dark hills of St. Thomas or wherever. Maybe if they drink enough of them they’re too lit up themselves (read: drunk) to care whether or not they have lights, air conditioning, electricity or that a gallon of milk is damn near $20 American because everything has to be imported to a small mountainous island.

Either way, I drank a bunch of them. A bunch of wildly colored and sweet as can be and titled ridiculous names drinks. And amazingly I didn’t have any hangovers. Which was good because you don’t want to spend your days with a hangover when you’re looking at this…

You can take the same fucking picture every day from the same spot because it is the same fucking day almost every day…

I took these pictures on day 1, 2, and 3 to illustrate the Groundhog Day-ness, but after three days of the same picture I thought that was enough to get my point across. Take it from me the rest were just as beautiful.

So… what did we do?



Danielle and I did a lot of this.

Actually, we only got into the pool a couple times and spent the rest of the time on the beach. I doubt a single person on Earth would think that I spent the entirety of last week in the Sun in the Caribbean and even snorkeling. I thank that all to my previous completely pail skin color and to Coppertone and its amazing continuous spray and to Danielle for hosing me down with the stuff every morning like I was being treated for an outbreak virus.

Pretty much, we made/ate breakfast in the room, hung out on the beach and in the water for a few hours, grabbed some food at the bar by the pool, went back to the beach and back into the water without waiting the allotted 20 minutes, went back to the room around 6 to wash the beach off of us, went to dinner at 8pm at some restaurant, stuffed ourselves until food coma state, and laid around the hotel room until we fell asleep.

If you’re ever going to St. Thomas, I’ve got some restaurant recommendations for you. I’ve been twice and both times I thought the restaurant Coco Blue was my favorite. This time around we went to a place called 13 which tied Coco Blue as my favorite restaurant on St. Thomas. I had chicken at both places – at Coco Blue they stuffed the chicken with plantains and manchego cheese; meanwhile at 13 they stuffed the chicken with crabmeat and wrapped it in bacon. Also, the desserts at both places are unreal.

The other places we ate at were Banana Tree (nice setting, nice steakhouse, great cheese-y bread), Havana Blue (great setting, the food is fine, but I don’t love the place), Bella Blue (quaint/cute restaurant, food is good, but doesn’t blow your socks off), Grand Crew or Kru or something (nice setting, but I really didn’t like what I ate, but the dessert was good), and Fat Turtle (it’s next to Grand Kru or whatever and it’s a bar with great bar food and is definitely a good place to get drunk off of those brightly colored drinks).

After all that…

[insert a pic of Danielle swim chasing a sea turtle]

DRATS! That didn’t work.

I don’t own an underwater camera nor does @_dharv, so we don’t have any pictures of us swimming with sea turtles. We did do that though. We went snorkeling and the snorkeling consisted of us watching sea turtles and we saw a big ass barracuda just chilling at the bottom of the sea.

It was an interesting experience. I haven’t gone snorkeling since I was a kid and there was something very different about the experience of snorkeling in Jamaica back when I was probably 12 and me snorkeling a couple days ago in St. Thomas at near 30… facial hair. No one told me that my facial hair would nearly kill me while snorkeling!

The snorkeling mask is supposed to make a seal around your face, but hair fucks that up. Well, I don’t have long hair on top of my head, so no need to worry about that. But I do have a man’s beard which also had a mustache attached and no one told me that would cause the mask to not seal around my face. NO ONE! Apparently, you have to put some type of lube like vaseline or something else like vaseline on your mustache lip area and it will seal. Well, I don’t carry around vaseline or any vaseline like products in my pocket, so I snorkeled, chasing sea turtles with the Caribbean Sea flooding my nostrils. Let’s just say that swimming around with salt water up your nose causes a lot of your own bodily fluids to come pouring out of that same nose. It was everywhere! The percentage of human bodily, specifically nostril fluids in the Caribbean Sea went up at least 1% after my hour+ of snorkeling.

The main draw were the sea turtles. They swim down to the bottom (like 20 feet or so) and munch and munch on the grass down there until they can’t breath anymore then they swim to the surface and gulp air until they’re full of it and then they swim back to the bottom to keep eating until they almost die from the lack of oxygen. It’s probably the greatest life ever. The funniest thing is that they do this for about 15 years and then they get tired of it and get this blood lust for jellyfish and they take to the high seas and hunt jellyfish and grow to 800 pounds. If I could comeback as an animal, I’d probably want to be Kate Upton or Alison Brie’s lapdog, but if I had another choice it might be as a sea turtle. That sounds hilarious and amazing.

If you’re wondering, we didn’t fondle any of them. Danielle got real close. I don’t know how much any of you have fantasized about strapping a snorkeling mask and fins on the girl, but she damn near turns into a dolphin out there. Well, at least when there are cute sea turtles to chase. So, she was swimming them down and doing her best not to touch any of them because it’s illegal to touch a sea turtle. I had a good chance at touching one, but I refrained as well. Mostly because I was a tad worried it would bite me and then the real jig is up. Honestly, I was half drowning the whole time I was out there, so having to deal with angry sea turtle would’ve been my down fall… AND, we were told moments before jumping into the water from the boat about all the people who die snorkeling in the exact same waters that we were in. It’s usually older people who lie that they don’t have any pre-existing conditions and forget about their medication and die in the water from an attack of some sort. But like I said, I’m half drowning, it’s illegal to touch these things, and who knows if the one I touch is like 14 years and 364 days old and has that bloodlust really creeping on him.

Anyway, we survived…

We flew back to New Jersey and now I’m hanging out me mutts…

I didn’t put the bone like that… she did.

I caught up on some TV yesterday.

I watched “The Walking Dead” and last night’s was the first good episode this year. I thought it was odd timing and all with the Governor seemingly at their front door and they take a joyride for a day without a care in the world. I’m still waiting for a character(s) on the show that actually enjoys the zombie apocalypse. I find it ridiculous to believe that there isn’t someone actually just loving it. There are people who thrive in war, who are actually incredible at war and there are people who criminals who love committing violence… are we saying no one would enjoy a post-apocalyptic, survival of the fittest, kill or be killed, thrill killing zombie lifestyle? There should be road warrior style gangs that are hunting zombies and taking pleasure in killing them. I feel like everyone on the show is so reluctant about the zombie apocalypse.

I also watched “Girls” and I hate that show. I will watch the rest of this season, but I doubt I’ll watch an episode from next season. I’m tired of it not being funny and I’m tired of it not being introspective or smart or whatever a show is supposed to be when it isn’t funny anymore. I thought the first season was ok and showed promise in the sense that it was “watchable”. This second season has grinded to a halt of either Lena Dunham’s nipples or really nothing else. The storylines are absolutely worthless at this point, the other girls on the show are completely unlikable, and the guys go from whining to more whining that is almost charismatic to more whining that makes them want to die via subway train massacre. The only reason to watch the show is to see more of Lena Dunham either topless or bottomless or both. The rest of the cast doesn’t appear ready to get naked on the show at least and they’re frightfully boring as characters.

And… Modern Family was funny.

I’m also a third through a German movie called “Klown” that is very enjoyable thus far and appears like it will get really funny in the next hour.

So… that’s what I’ve been up to outside of watching UFC fights.

Miss me?


3 Responses to “I’m Back From St. Thomas And Now I’m Dogsitting In New Jersey”

  1. Kim said

    To everything you said about Girls

    I keep watching because everyone tells you it’s such a great show — but I just don’t enjoy it at all this season. Good to know there’s at least one other person that feels the same.

    Yeah, I missed ya — but hey, I can’t begrudge anyone a vacation like that. Sounds like it was very relaxing and yummy. I was in St. Thomas once (part of a cruise) and the humidity was stifling. Didn’t really make me want to go back, but the Virgin Islands are a beautiful place.

    Try Hawaii next — it takes forever to get there, but it’s worth it.

  2. PWG said

    It’s snowing here. I would kill to snorkel with a turtle at this point, even a Liam Neeson one that starts out all harmless but turns into an action star/ninja in its elder years.

    I watched Sand Pebbles, with Steve McQueen. It was supposedly his best role, spoke to the country’s mood about Vietnam, should’ve won an Oscar, etc., etc. All I know is I watched an hour and a half of it, left my husband still watching it while I ran errands, and came back to another 45 minutes of it. And nothing had appreciably changed in the plot while I was gone. I will say that he was fine in it, and Candice Bergen was young and hot in it as well. I’m not going so far as a recommendation.

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