KSWI GUESTIMATES What the F@%K Twitter is talking about!

March 5, 2013

Hey.

I feel like nothing is happening and at the same time life is passing me by like a raging river. All these people tweeting and Facebook status updating and posting this and making videos of that. Something must be getting burning a hole in the crotch panel of these peoples worky pants because there’s a non-stop stream of THINGS happening all the time on the internet.

I spent the past 24 hours more or less watching decade plus old clips of Brazilian jiu-jitsu guys fighting people from some other discipline in underground challenges that were filmed on VHS handicams and are now all over Youtube. Also, I watched the rest of Germany’s “Klown” which was really funny. It’s more or less a German “Hangover” in that sense. It’s got a good deal of shock value, sex, cursing, and so forth, but the two main characters are really funny in their dialogue and their completely idiotic at times decision making. Really funny movie though. Apparently, it was a TV show first in Germany and this is the movie that followed the series. Kind of really want to watch the TV show now.

“Klown” is on Netflix. If you feel like laughing at a bunch of low brow humor of two middle aged guys more or less trying to have a bachelor party style weekend with a 12 year old boy in-tow then definitely see it.

Aside from that…

I looked at Twitter and tried to see if anything trending would break a hole into my writer’s block…

The thing is, I have no idea what most of this stuff is about and I don’t really care about finding out what it is about. I’d rather make up my own version of why this is popular and being talked about on Tweet Tweet Twit Twat Twertter.

WHAT’S TRENDING?!!?!?!??!!??!!?!?

#REBORN Promoted

THEY’VE DONE IT!!!!! THEY’VE FINALLY DONE IT!!!! WE CAN BE REBORN!!!!! YES!!!! FINALLY!!!! NOW, WE CAN START THIS SHIT LIFE OVER AGAIN AND DO ALL THE THINGS WE SHOULD’VE DONE THE FIRST TIME TO HAVE A GOOD AND FULFILLING LIFE!!!! YES!!! I CAN GO TO COLLEGE AND NOT BE A PHILOSOPHY MAJOR AND MAJOR IN SOMETHING THAT IS THE LEAST BIT USEFUL!!! I CAN GO BACK TO 6TH GRADE AND NOT ACT LIKE A COMPLETE HOMO AND DO NOTHING ABOUT A GIRL SAYING HER FRIEND THOUGHT I WAS CUTE BUT I THOUGHT THE GIRL WHO WAS SAYING THAT WAS CUTE SO I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING, BUT WHAT THE FUCK?! I MEAN IT’S NOT LIKE I WAS MARRYING THAT OTHER GIRL AND SHE WAS CUTE TOO I GUESS FOR A 6TH GRADE GIRL. I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? OR THAT OTHER TIME WHEN I WAS PLAYING LACROSSE IN 9TH GRADE AND HAD MISSED THE FIRST FEW PRACTICES BECAUSE I WAS SICK AND THEN WHEN I STARTED THE COACH ASKED ME TO START ON DEFENSE AND THEN I TOLD HIM THAT MAYBE I SHOULDN’T BECAUSE THE OTHER KID WHO WOULD’VE BEEN MY BACK-UP WAS ACTUALLY THERE FOR THE FIRST FEW PRACTICES, SO I GUESS IT WOULD ONLY BE FAIR IF HE STARTED OVER ME FOR THE TIME BEING AND THEN THE REST OF THE YEAR THE COACH THOUGHT I WASN’T THAT COMMITTED TO BEING A STARTER!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?! OR THAT OTHER TIME WHEN SOME KID IN SCHOOL CHALLENGED ME TO A FIGHT PROBABLY BECAUSE WE WERE ALL GOING THROUGH PUBERTY AND HORMONES WERE COMING OUT OF OUR EARS AND INSTEAD OF FIGHTING HIM I TRIED TO REASON WITH HIM AND TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?! THAT KID WAS A FUCKING MORON AND I SHOULD’VE JUST PUSHED HIM AGAINST THE WALL AND BEAT HIM UP!!! I MEAN HE’S IN AND OUT OF JAIL THESE DAYS, SO WHO GIVES A FUCK?! IT COULDN’T HAVE MADE HIS LIFE ANY WORSE!!! OR THAT TIME JUNIOR YEAR OF COLLEGE WHEN MY FRIENDS AND I WERE AT A STRIP CLUB IN MONTREAL AND SOME TEXAS OIL TYCOON RICHY RICH GUY WANTED US TO HANG OUT WITH HIM AND ALL THE STRIPPERS, BUT WE KINDLY REFUSED BECAUSE WE HAD TO WAKE UP EARLY THE NEXT MORNING DRIVE BACK TO PHILADELPHIA!!!! I MEAN?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? WE COULD’VE BEEN IN A FUCKING RISKY BUSINESS TYPE OF STRIPPER PARTY TYPE THING OR SOMETHING!!!! AND WE TURNED IT DOWN LIKE WE WERE LLOYD AND HARRY FROM “DUMB & DUMBER”!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!!?!?!!?!?

Whew… ok… so, that got a little personal there. It’s good that they’ve developed the technology and are promoting it on Twitter. If only I had made better financial decisions in this life then I’d be able to afford to be reborn. It’s got to cost a butt load.

#WhatiDoWhenIAmAlone

I think about the above. And, think of movie/book/comic book/videogame/song ideas that I never do anything about. Also, depending on how long it has been since the last time… jerk it. Oh and I fart. Loud and proud.

#ImThatTypeOfPersonWho

Writes the above and hopes it is in the tiniest bit endearing. I also hate downloading single songs and would rather download the whole album, listen to it, hate it, and keep the damn album on my computer eating up hard drive space forever.

#HowToMakeMeSmile

Fried chicken. That makes me smile. Puppies and sweater puppies make me smile.

#YouMightBeAHoeIf

You can rake soil? Is this the gardening tool? If it’s the other thing then I suppose if you have sex for money then you’re a “hoe”. That’s what I thought the definition was, but I guess it can be for someone who commits adultery too. So, if you can rake soil and if you fuck things for profit?

#momchat

I can go either way on this… it could be innocent and be about a bunch of moms trying to get in touch with their ne’er-do-well kids who are too busy tweeting to talk to their moms on the phone or whatever. OR, it could be a bunch of hoe moms working their hoe games in a chatroom to find some “johns”. Am I right?!

Ibaka

Chewbacca’s illegitimate son? Nah, I know it’s about Serge Ibaka from the OKC Thunder (basketball), but I don’t know what the boy has done. Maybe he got traded. Maybe he is hosting next week’s SNL. I don’t know! I just don’t know. I’m hoping it is either him hosting SNL or he’s coming out with an African rap album. And no I’m not being racist because he is from Senegal. I think. I hope. I might be being racist. Actually, isn’t he from Spain?! What! No way… no wait he’s from the Congo. Why the fuck did I just think he was from Spain? Something isn’t right with my brain. I NEED TO BE REBORN!!!!

SimCity

I’m not playing this new SimCity. I reached my zenith with The Sims and turning two women characters into lesbians and making the rest of the people in my Sims town die by not allowing them to go to the bathroom or eat their fucking salads and they just pissed themselves and died of shame right where they pissed themselves. Stupid game.

Spring Break

That Montreal story was from my Spring Break. Spring Break in Montreal? Yep. I am an idiot. We had a great time though.

#IronMan3

I doubt I’m seeing this. Actually, I might see it, but I won’t spend a single cent on seeing it. It will have to be for free in someway shape or form. I hate both Iron Man movies. I hate the being of the first Iron Man as well. I have gritted my teeth and sat in conversations and slightly appeared to agree that I thought the first 2/3’s of Iron Man was good and it only started to suck in the last 30 minutes. WRONG!!!! IT ALL SUCKED!!! HE MADE THE FUCKING IRON MAN IN A CAVE WITH TERRORISTS WATCHING HIM DAY AND NIGHT AND THEY COULDN’T FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK HE WAS DOING?!!!!?!?!?! HE MADE A 12 FOOT TALL SUIT OF METAL THAT HAD A FLAME THROWER ATTACHMENT!!!!! THAT MOVIE WAS FUCKING TERRIBLE!!! And… Gwyenth Paltrow? C’mon! Who is still liking her movies?

Anyway…

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4 Responses to “KSWI GUESTIMATES What the F@%K Twitter is talking about!”

  1. PWG said

    I woke up at 4:00 a.m. to a car alarm going off. And my kids have been listening to this Nine Inch Nails + Carly Rae Jepsen mashup all day so my auditory spectrum was thoroughly covered for the month:

    http://mobile.theverge.com/2013/2/27/3964406/seduced-by-perfect-pitch-how-auto-tune-conquered-pop-music

    Aside from how hilarious I find my kids singing, “Bow down before the one you serve,” oh so fucking jauntily, the Nathan Fillion gif in the comments section is worth the price of admission.

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