“Girls”? More like Shmirls… Kristen Stewart Wants IT is over “Girls”

March 18, 2013

Good day to all… who read this… and to people making their dreams happen… and by “dreams” I mean pornography… in conclusion… Good day to my readers and to the porno stars of the world.

I wanted to make an official statement regarding last night’s television watching…

I do not enjoy watching The Walking Dead.

and

I am not watching anymore of Girls.

Yep.

Where to begin? Where to begin with my dissatisfaction at both of these acclaimed and highly watched television programs that have angered me so deeply these past few months?

Let’s start with…

Last night’s episode did clue us in on some major plot hole… why Lena Dunham has that short haircut. And by plot hole, I mean “life-plot hole” as to her character having a normal haircut and then her having a young boy’s haircut in real life, but whatever. That is the least of my problems with this show.

My problem with the show is lack of consistency and semblance of smarts from any character and all characters are devoid of any redeemable quality for me to root for. Who am I rooting for on this show? I’m rooting more for the Governor to kill Michione and feed Rick’s newborn baby to the zombie biter’s horde than I am for a single good thing to happen to any of these girls.

I’m starting to realize that Girls is less like a younger version of “Sex in the City” and is more like a smaller scope having “Entourage”. And Entourage was fucking awful.

You’ve got Lena who is Vincent Chase – the protagonist who the world revolves around and who has good things happen to them for no apparent reason at all at the beginning and end of most episodes while in between they just putz around doing nothing successful.

Marnie is obviously “E” Eric – who is in and out of relationships with people who are too good for them and shows no discernible talent at anything, but seems to be doing fine to good in each episode.

Jessa is ‘Drama’ – for better or for worse because all she is is drama. Her character isn’t integral to the show at all and that’s why they got rid of her with a few episodes left this season and that did nothing plot wise and almost everything ‘Drama’ did on Entourage was off by himself as the guy who just does random things like Jessa who just does random things.

Shoshanna is Turtle – neither character has anything to do with whatever else is going on and their character could easily be removed from the show and there’s nothing at all interesting or engaging about those characters.

Adam is Ari – curses a bunch, flies off the handle almost every episode, comes to Lena/Vince’s rescue whenever needed, sometimes a bad guy sometimes a good guy, and last but certainly not least THE ONLY ENTERTAINING CHARACTER ON THE MOTHERFUCKING SHOW.

There you go!

Those twats up there are exactly like…

these hemorrhoid riddled asshats right here.

GIVE THEM ALL THE EMMYS AND GOLDEN GLOBES!!!! IT’S SO BRILLIANT!!! SHE’S GOT OCD NOW AND SHE HAS TICKS SO LETS GET HER ANOTHER AWARD FOR THAT EPISODE WHERE SHE HAS A UTI BECAUSE THERE COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE A COMEDY SHOW THAT IS BETTER WRITTEN THAN AN EPISODE REVOLVING AROUND LENA FUCKING PATRICK WILSON!! IT’S NOT LIKE THERE ARE OTHER COMEDIES ON TV WRITING FUNNY STUFF LIKE ARCHER, COMMUNITY, LOUIE, PARKS AND REC, WORKAHOLICS, IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY!! IT’S TOO BAD THOSE SHOWS AREN’T FUNNY OR ANYTHING!!1 I’M REALLY LAUGHED MY REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN OFF WHEN LENA STUCK A Q-TIP IN HER EAR TOO FAR BECAUSE SHE’S GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH

Anyway…

I had been saying it for at least the second half of this season, but I’m not watching “Girls” when season 3 starts. It’s going to join the ever elongating list of shows that I watched, liked at first glance, continued to watch, began to hate, hated, continued watching, and needed to divorce myself from. Shows like Entourage, The Sopranos, Rescue Me, Grey’s Anatomy, and a few others. Last night, started the divorce.

Actually, I’d like to thank Lena and the rest of the writing staff at “Girls” for putting out another garbage episode last night to go along with the last 4 or 5 straight garbage episodes, which has really made this divorce very easy.

What happened last night?

LENA/VINCE – continued doing nothing to treat either of the storylines she’s currently dealing with, which both came out of nowhere without any set-up: the OCD and her book deal. Why does Hannah have a life crippling OCD? Why does Hannah have a book deal? For what? All I can remember of her writing this season was the article she was supposed to write about taking cocaine or she was supposed to write on cocaine and then didn’t. Next thing we know, Hedwig and his Angry Inch are giving Hannah a book deal. What does she do with it? Nothing. And then she has an OCD that just started out of nowhere and everyone knows about without it ever being mentioned prior.

My big question about last night’s episode… why wasn’t Hannah masturbating herself to death?

Am I the only one who remembers her telling the therapist that she used to masturbate like 64 times in a row and not be able to go to school or leave the house because of it? So, where is all this masturbating? We’re watching her probe herself with Q-tips and shake her head and open and close doors and eat Cool Whip. Does that sound interesting to you? It doesn’t to me.

And in the end, Adam for no fucking reason whatsoever decides to go be with Hannah. Actually, the reason seemingly is that he has trouble having sex with that hot chick because she won’t let him call her a dirty girl and Hannah will be into that. Right? SHAME SEX ALWAYS WINS IN THE END!!!!!

Marnie/E – Nothing has really happened with her at all in these two seasons. But like “Entourage” everything works out in the end for no good fucking reason whatsoever. The lame boyfriend Marnie used to have takes a break from her because she doesn’t want to be with his lameness and in that break period he becomes FILTHY RICH and FILTHY GOOD AT EATING PUSSY!!!! WOOOOOO!!!! GOLDEN GLOBES HERE WE CUM!!! AM I RIGHT?! Fuck this show. So, Marnie’s life is I guess perfect because she just continues to be pretty as can be Allison Williams and takes a job as where she can use her prettiness, she has sex with a rich and famous guy she likes because he’s rich and famous, and then it turns out that her ex-boyfriend who seemed to be a near functioning mute before is now an iphone app genius and he’s filthy rich and has spend whatever time he hasn’t spent learning how to code cellphones by taking lessons in eating that good ole’ pussy. WOOOOO!!! POOSSEE!! EATING THAT POOSSEE!!! And now they’re going to get married and she’s just as annoying as before and he’s just as fucking annoying as before, but he’s rich and he’s good at eatin’ that there poos poos poossee.

Fuck I hate this show.

Let me also say that all the nonsense with Charlie as an “app” entrepreneur is about the biggest steaming piece of elephant shit or maybe whale shit I’ve ever seen. Dude has an office? An office with 30 employees and champagne/DJ nights for a fucking app? The plot of fucking Transformers is more likely than an app stopping someone from calling their girlfriend having an office, dozens of employees, and DJ nights. I’m talking about a planet filled with warring aliens who can turn into anything they want to, touch downing on planet Earth, becoming automobiles, joining the US military, and fighting a secret but highly destructive war against the villainous aliens who also just so happen to choose to be automotive transportation and no citizen except Shia LABOOF is the wiser.

Jessa/Drama – Non-existent. Best part of last night’s episode. Jessa had the decency to continue not being in it.

Shoshanna/Turtle – Breaks up with Ray because she wants to go out and get as many dicks as she can to fit inside of her at once. WOOOO!!! GIRLS!!! VOICE OF THIS GENERATION!!! As for Ray, he continues to be in the show, which is more than I ever expected.

Adam/Ari – Him cursing and breaking his ladder was about the only mildly redeemable moment of the show. I guess seeing Shiri Appleby topless again was good. It wasn’t bad. Anyway, Adam then decides to run topless the length of New York City to help Hannah with her feeling sorry for herself. The character with the most screen-time this season was Hannah’s nipples and the second most screen time were Adam’s nipples. Great. EMMYS!!!! GIVE THEM EMMYS!!! WOOOO!!!! AWARDS!!! GOLDEN STATUES FOR THESE GENIUSES!!!

So, with that, I’m done with Girls.

Unless there is an episode where Hannah gets a job writing Michael Bay’s next script and finds herself getting DPed by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone then I’m not expecting to tune in ever again. I don’t give a fuck about the characters. Even more than that, I hate all the characters. I hate Hannah, I hate Marnie, I hate Shoshanna, I hate Jessa, I hated Chris O’Dowd’s character, I hate Hannah’s parents, I hated that guy from the “Lonely Island” who was in it and I had to see his naked ass, and I hated Adam then started to like him, but now hate him again. So congratulations!

As for “The Walking Dead”…

FUCKING DIE ALREADY!!!!!!

I hate Andrea.

There are two things that the creators or showrunners or whomever have completely wrong about what they think I care about…

1. Andrea

2. The Talking Dead

I hate both. And I would like both to be eaten by zombies at this point.

I don’t know why the people at The Walking Dead (TWD) think I care about Andrea’s well-being. More so than why, I would like to know when I was supposed to start caring about Andrea’s well-being and a follow-up when did they think Andrea became a person I cared about so much that she’s become a main character.

When was I supposed to really fall in love with Andrea?

– when she did nothing at the camp site

– when her sister was turned into a zombie and she wouldn’t put a bullet into her until she came back to life and tried to bite her which needlessly put everyone in danger including herself

– when she moaned and cried all the time about committing suicide and that old white beard guy cared about her staying alive to continue to moan and cry about it

– when she acted like a bitch to everyone at the farm

– when she started fucking Shane who was the key villain on the show at that time

– when she questioned Rick’s leadership as she was busy blowing psycho-Shane

– when she couldn’t take care of herself and Michione had to save her

– when she turned her back on Michione for the Governor

– when she started fucking the bad guy the Governor after a day of knowing him and spending a lesbian winter with Michione

– when she saw how fucked up the Governor was with his room full of heads and his zombie daughter on a leash and still stayed with the Governor and continued to have consensual intercourse with him

– when she found out that the Governor had taken her friends prisoner and did weird stuff to them and she still stayed by his side thinking he could make a reasonable truce with Rick

– when she thought she was so high and mighty and that people cared about her opinion on the truce, the future of Woodbury, and all that

I’m just wondering when was this character at all someone I should give a poop about?

I don’t care about Andrea. I don’t care if the Governor tortures and kills her. She was the one who decided to keep being with him and keep sexing him and all that.

I just don’t get where I’m supposed to be all heart-broken or even remotely interested about her death, which has been talked about from the very beginning of this series and just hasn’t happened. MAKE IT HAPPEN AND MOVE ON.

I thought the first half of this season was ok/good. There was the clearing out of the prison, Rick went nuts, Michione was doing stuff, and so on. But the second half of this season has become a little unbearable with all this Andrea stuff. I didn’t sign up for episode after episode of nonsense about Andrea. She’s boring, she’s unlikable, and she’s stupid, which is what the show is becoming.

I’ll finish out this season with only a couple or so episodes left.

I’m expecting to watch at least some of the next season. Why? I mean there are zombies on it, so it’s not like I’m watching a bunch of other shows with zombies on it. But I’m expecting the show will go down hill even more next season. I don’t know if Andrea is having an affair with the old showrunner, which is why her character is so prominent now, but there is a new showrunner for next season. That new showrunner I believe was apart of the creative process for such brilliance as “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance”, so I’m expecting the next season to fall apart in two or three episodes and for me to eventually give up on it then.

SWEET!!!!!!!

Game of Thrones starts in a couple weeks.

Mad Men starts in a few weeks.

I will welcome both with open arms.

How was your weekend?

2 Responses to ““Girls”? More like Shmirls… Kristen Stewart Wants IT is over “Girls””

  1. Kim said

    I couldn’t agree more with your take on Girls. I keep watching because peeps keep telling me how great it is, but I don’t see it. I hate every character (you’re right, tho, Adam was the most interesting) and yet I keep watching. I need a divorce too.

    Walking Dead — made it thru the first season and cut the chord. I thought the show was boring.

    I’m looking forward to GoT, and I suggest you start watching Spartacus: Blood & Sand, Vengeance and War of the Gods. Don’t forget the prequel — Gods of the Arena.
    Might not be the most well written show, but for entertainment, you’ll never see more blood, guts and nudity! Plus, the dialogue can be quite hilarious — Jupiter’s Cock!

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