March 20, 2013


Per usual, I’m looking at what movies are coming out next month and it’s flat-out depressing.

WHAT HAPPENED?! I remember reading an article about how “Inception” was going to be the last great movie made. I would argue there have been great movies made since, but every time I look at these damn month to month what’s coming out in the movies release dates – it feels like movies are getting worse and worse.

I just wrote something last week saying that “Stoker”, “Burt Wonderstone”, and “Spring Breakers” were 3 of the 4 movies I wanted to see in March and, now, they seem pretty skippable. The fourth movie I wanted to see was “The Place Beyond the Pines” and the first review I read said that the Bradley Cooper section falls flat compared to the Ryan Gosling section. Unless that’s a metaphor for the dude having a standing hard-on for Baby Goose and nothing for the Coop-man then that means like 50% of that movie is good and the other is ok. So, that’s not the greatest endorsement AND YET it might be the best movie to come out so far this year because this year sucks big time with the movies.

So, what about April?

Is April any better?

Well… not a lot better.

Generally speaking, I think we’re holding our breath waiting for June 14th to roll around so we can see MAN OF STEEL and then not go back to the movies until like December when the Oscar winning movies come out. But I digress…


Uhhhhhhhhhhh… 6 Souls a horror movie starring Julianne Moore, The Brass Teapot a dark comedy starring Juno Temple, The Company You Keep something with Shia and Bob Redford… SKIP SKIP SKIP SKIIIIIIIIIIIPPPP!!!!… what else?


Would you like to see the cute redhead from “Suburgatory” get torn to shreds by the living dead? Well… go see “Evil Dead”. If you’re not into the idea of watching this seemingly lovely young woman run around screaming bloody murder while some demonic creatures try to commit bloody murder on her and her like-aged friends then don’t see this movie.

I won’t be seeing the movie. I own the original “Evil Dead” and “Evil Dead 2” and several copies of “Army of Darkness” in different formats. I’m getting the idea that this new “Evil Dead” doesn’t have the humor and/or Bruce Campbell in it. So, I’m not seeing it. It actually looks exactly like the movie that “Cabin in the Woods” was specifically making fun of. But who cares about that right? Let’s just go see a movie about young people getting slaughtered every which way imaginable for no other reason than they decided to stupidly stay at a cabin in the woods.


Jurassic Park is coming out in 3D for whatever reason.

There’s Trance which stars James McAvoy and Vincent Cassel and Rosario Dawson, which I imagine if Danny Boyle made this movie 5 years ago those names would really draw me in, but not so much. Also, the storyline is so absurd and random that even I can’t imagine watching that run-on sentence of a plot…

Fine art auctioneer Simon (McAvoy), in league with a gang led by underworld boss Franck (Cassel), plots the audacious theft of a masterpiece by Goya from a major public auction. When Simon double-crosses the gang during the robbery, Franck retaliates violently and knocks him unconscious.

In the aftermath of the heist, Simon sticks stubbornly – and perhaps shrewdly – to his claim that the violent trauma has left him with no memory of where he stashed the artwork.

Unable to coerce the painting’s location from Simon, Franck and his associates reluctantly join forces with a charismatic hypnotherapist (Dawson) in a bid to get him to talk. But as they journey deeper into Simon’s jumbled psyche the boundaries between reality and hypnotic suggestion begin to blur and the stakes rise faster and far more dangerously than any of the players could have anticipated.

I feel like I’ve watched the movie just by reading that and by google searching Rosario Dawson.

She’s terribly beautiful and in terrible movies.

What else?

42 is the newest movie about Jackie Robinson and him breaking the color barrier into Major League Baseball. I think the best Jackie Robinson involved movie I can think of is the one that HBO did back in the day that was about the Negro League in general and focused on Jackie, Satchel Paige, and Josh Gibson. That was a good movie.

As for this movie, it’s got Harrison Ford in it as Branch Rickey the man who signed Jackie and that’s the downfall of the movie. I know it sounds sacrilegious for a Han Solo fan to say something negative about Mr. Ford, but Mr. Ford doesn’t act in good movies anymore and hasn’t for awhile. I’m guessing this isn’t the best either. Sorry.

Disconnect is a drama I’ve never heard of until this very moment and it stars Jason Bateman and an R rating for sexual content, some graphic nudity, language, violence and drug use – some involving teens. So, let’s all go see Disconnect together!!! KSWI FIELD TRIP!!! GRAPHICALLY NEKKID PEOPLE AND TEENS DOING DRUGGGGGSSSS!!!! What’s the movie about?

A hard-working lawyer, attached to his cell phone, can’t find the time to communicate with his family. A couple is drawn into a dangerous situation when their secrets are exposed online. A widowed ex-cop struggles to raise a mischievous son who cyber-bullies a classmate. An ambitious journalist sees a career-making story in a teen that performs on an adult-only site. They are strangers, neighbors and colleagues and their stories collide in this riveting dramatic thriller about ordinary people struggling to connect in today’s wired world.

So, it’s “Crash” but about the internet and I fell asleep twice reading that paragraph. About the only interesting thing could be the teen who performs nude stuff, but that’s about it. Who do you think Bateman plays? I bet it’s that really interesting character about a hard-working lawyer who likes cellphones. Sounds riveting.

What else?

There’s Into the White

It’s the movie where the ginger from “Harry Potter” grows up and flies propeller planes in the war. Which war? Who cares?


Scary Movie 5? Yep. With a cast of “actors” who would’ve been just as relevant if they appeared in the first Scary Movie 35 years ago.

What else?

Lords of Salem for all those people stuck in 1996 and are still curious about Rob Zombie movies. Ehhh… that’s a bit harsh I suppose, but really it isn’t.

There is of course…


Tom Cruise runs around the future with a gun from Halo and re-enacting the plot from Wall-E and instead of an iPod inspired robot to fall in love with, Mr. Cruise finds a steampunk Morgan Freeman. While that sounds absolutely retarded, it is in fact absolutely retarded and yet I’ll most certainly see it. Why? BECAUSE WHAT ELSE AM I SEEING AND TOM CRUISE DOES MAKE GOOD ACTION MOVIES!!!


You’ve got Arthur Newman starring the British All-Star team of Colin Firth, Emily Blunt, and Anne Heche (?). It’s a movie I’ve not heard of I believe and the plot sounds like more or less Colin Firth falling ass backwards into Emily Blunt’s panties. PANTIES! But all British, proper, and boring.

There’s The Big Wedding which stars all of these people Robert De Niro, Katherine Heigl, Diane Keaton, Amanda Seyfried, Topher Grace, Susan Sarandon, Robin Williams, Ben Barnes, Christine Ebersole, David Rasche, Patricia Rae, Ana Ayora and sounds exceedingly paint-by-numbers although it is rated R and says there is brief nudity in it, so I’m guessing we’ll get to see Bobby D’s old wrinkly, Italian sausage slapping against Diane Keaton’s dry forehead. Sounds good, right?

What else?

There’s Mud where you get to see Mr. Abs himself Matthew McHonasodufahey or however you spell it try to act all serious.

And lastly…


It’s the movie where we’re all going to suspend disbelief that the two tiny guys on either side of The Rock look anything like The Rock.


He’s got to be at least 8 inches taller than Wahlberg and all of Wahlberg’s muscles could fit on one of The Rock’s arms. As for Anthony Mackie on the other side of The Rock? There’s a good chance that’s what The Rock looked like in second grade.

The Rock is a freak and a wonderful freak at that. The other two are actors.

Also, this movie looks terrible.



So, we’ll all just pretend that Hollywood isn’t pissing away money until June when MAN OF STEEL appears.

One Response to “IS THERE ANYTHING WORTH WATCHING!!!! – April Movie Previews”

  1. PWG said

    I am now imagining Robert DeNiro teabagging Diane Keaton and I do not thank you for that, sir.

    I am slightly more interested in where the final T went in Rupert Grint’s signature than I am in seeing these movies.

    I spent a goodly amount of time trying to reconcile the various arm lengths of the Pain & Gain dudes. Given their height differences, should Wahlberg and Mackie really be able to hold hands with the Rock without him having to hunch over awkwardly?

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