Good day to all… who read this… and to people making their dreams happen… and by “dreams” I mean pornography… in conclusion… Good day to my readers and to the porno stars of the world.

I wanted to make an official statement regarding last night’s television watching…

I do not enjoy watching The Walking Dead.


I am not watching anymore of Girls.


Where to begin? Where to begin with my dissatisfaction at both of these acclaimed and highly watched television programs that have angered me so deeply these past few months?

Let’s start with…

Last night’s episode did clue us in on some major plot hole… why Lena Dunham has that short haircut. And by plot hole, I mean “life-plot hole” as to her character having a normal haircut and then her having a young boy’s haircut in real life, but whatever. That is the least of my problems with this show.

My problem with the show is lack of consistency and semblance of smarts from any character and all characters are devoid of any redeemable quality for me to root for. Who am I rooting for on this show? I’m rooting more for the Governor to kill Michione and feed Rick’s newborn baby to the zombie biter’s horde than I am for a single good thing to happen to any of these girls.

I’m starting to realize that Girls is less like a younger version of “Sex in the City” and is more like a smaller scope having “Entourage”. And Entourage was fucking awful.

You’ve got Lena who is Vincent Chase – the protagonist who the world revolves around and who has good things happen to them for no apparent reason at all at the beginning and end of most episodes while in between they just putz around doing nothing successful.

Marnie is obviously “E” Eric – who is in and out of relationships with people who are too good for them and shows no discernible talent at anything, but seems to be doing fine to good in each episode.

Jessa is ‘Drama’ – for better or for worse because all she is is drama. Her character isn’t integral to the show at all and that’s why they got rid of her with a few episodes left this season and that did nothing plot wise and almost everything ‘Drama’ did on Entourage was off by himself as the guy who just does random things like Jessa who just does random things.

Shoshanna is Turtle – neither character has anything to do with whatever else is going on and their character could easily be removed from the show and there’s nothing at all interesting or engaging about those characters.

Adam is Ari – curses a bunch, flies off the handle almost every episode, comes to Lena/Vince’s rescue whenever needed, sometimes a bad guy sometimes a good guy, and last but certainly not least THE ONLY ENTERTAINING CHARACTER ON THE MOTHERFUCKING SHOW.

There you go!

Those twats up there are exactly like…

these hemorrhoid riddled asshats right here.



I had been saying it for at least the second half of this season, but I’m not watching “Girls” when season 3 starts. It’s going to join the ever elongating list of shows that I watched, liked at first glance, continued to watch, began to hate, hated, continued watching, and needed to divorce myself from. Shows like Entourage, The Sopranos, Rescue Me, Grey’s Anatomy, and a few others. Last night, started the divorce.

Actually, I’d like to thank Lena and the rest of the writing staff at “Girls” for putting out another garbage episode last night to go along with the last 4 or 5 straight garbage episodes, which has really made this divorce very easy.

What happened last night?

LENA/VINCE – continued doing nothing to treat either of the storylines she’s currently dealing with, which both came out of nowhere without any set-up: the OCD and her book deal. Why does Hannah have a life crippling OCD? Why does Hannah have a book deal? For what? All I can remember of her writing this season was the article she was supposed to write about taking cocaine or she was supposed to write on cocaine and then didn’t. Next thing we know, Hedwig and his Angry Inch are giving Hannah a book deal. What does she do with it? Nothing. And then she has an OCD that just started out of nowhere and everyone knows about without it ever being mentioned prior.

My big question about last night’s episode… why wasn’t Hannah masturbating herself to death?

Am I the only one who remembers her telling the therapist that she used to masturbate like 64 times in a row and not be able to go to school or leave the house because of it? So, where is all this masturbating? We’re watching her probe herself with Q-tips and shake her head and open and close doors and eat Cool Whip. Does that sound interesting to you? It doesn’t to me.

And in the end, Adam for no fucking reason whatsoever decides to go be with Hannah. Actually, the reason seemingly is that he has trouble having sex with that hot chick because she won’t let him call her a dirty girl and Hannah will be into that. Right? SHAME SEX ALWAYS WINS IN THE END!!!!!

Marnie/E – Nothing has really happened with her at all in these two seasons. But like “Entourage” everything works out in the end for no good fucking reason whatsoever. The lame boyfriend Marnie used to have takes a break from her because she doesn’t want to be with his lameness and in that break period he becomes FILTHY RICH and FILTHY GOOD AT EATING PUSSY!!!! WOOOOOO!!!! GOLDEN GLOBES HERE WE CUM!!! AM I RIGHT?! Fuck this show. So, Marnie’s life is I guess perfect because she just continues to be pretty as can be Allison Williams and takes a job as where she can use her prettiness, she has sex with a rich and famous guy she likes because he’s rich and famous, and then it turns out that her ex-boyfriend who seemed to be a near functioning mute before is now an iphone app genius and he’s filthy rich and has spend whatever time he hasn’t spent learning how to code cellphones by taking lessons in eating that good ole’ pussy. WOOOOO!!! POOSSEE!! EATING THAT POOSSEE!!! And now they’re going to get married and she’s just as annoying as before and he’s just as fucking annoying as before, but he’s rich and he’s good at eatin’ that there poos poos poossee.

Fuck I hate this show.

Let me also say that all the nonsense with Charlie as an “app” entrepreneur is about the biggest steaming piece of elephant shit or maybe whale shit I’ve ever seen. Dude has an office? An office with 30 employees and champagne/DJ nights for a fucking app? The plot of fucking Transformers is more likely than an app stopping someone from calling their girlfriend having an office, dozens of employees, and DJ nights. I’m talking about a planet filled with warring aliens who can turn into anything they want to, touch downing on planet Earth, becoming automobiles, joining the US military, and fighting a secret but highly destructive war against the villainous aliens who also just so happen to choose to be automotive transportation and no citizen except Shia LABOOF is the wiser.

Jessa/Drama – Non-existent. Best part of last night’s episode. Jessa had the decency to continue not being in it.

Shoshanna/Turtle – Breaks up with Ray because she wants to go out and get as many dicks as she can to fit inside of her at once. WOOOO!!! GIRLS!!! VOICE OF THIS GENERATION!!! As for Ray, he continues to be in the show, which is more than I ever expected.

Adam/Ari – Him cursing and breaking his ladder was about the only mildly redeemable moment of the show. I guess seeing Shiri Appleby topless again was good. It wasn’t bad. Anyway, Adam then decides to run topless the length of New York City to help Hannah with her feeling sorry for herself. The character with the most screen-time this season was Hannah’s nipples and the second most screen time were Adam’s nipples. Great. EMMYS!!!! GIVE THEM EMMYS!!! WOOOO!!!! AWARDS!!! GOLDEN STATUES FOR THESE GENIUSES!!!

So, with that, I’m done with Girls.

Unless there is an episode where Hannah gets a job writing Michael Bay’s next script and finds herself getting DPed by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone then I’m not expecting to tune in ever again. I don’t give a fuck about the characters. Even more than that, I hate all the characters. I hate Hannah, I hate Marnie, I hate Shoshanna, I hate Jessa, I hated Chris O’Dowd’s character, I hate Hannah’s parents, I hated that guy from the “Lonely Island” who was in it and I had to see his naked ass, and I hated Adam then started to like him, but now hate him again. So congratulations!

As for “The Walking Dead”…


I hate Andrea.

There are two things that the creators or showrunners or whomever have completely wrong about what they think I care about…

1. Andrea

2. The Talking Dead

I hate both. And I would like both to be eaten by zombies at this point.

I don’t know why the people at The Walking Dead (TWD) think I care about Andrea’s well-being. More so than why, I would like to know when I was supposed to start caring about Andrea’s well-being and a follow-up when did they think Andrea became a person I cared about so much that she’s become a main character.

When was I supposed to really fall in love with Andrea?

– when she did nothing at the camp site

– when her sister was turned into a zombie and she wouldn’t put a bullet into her until she came back to life and tried to bite her which needlessly put everyone in danger including herself

– when she moaned and cried all the time about committing suicide and that old white beard guy cared about her staying alive to continue to moan and cry about it

– when she acted like a bitch to everyone at the farm

– when she started fucking Shane who was the key villain on the show at that time

– when she questioned Rick’s leadership as she was busy blowing psycho-Shane

– when she couldn’t take care of herself and Michione had to save her

– when she turned her back on Michione for the Governor

– when she started fucking the bad guy the Governor after a day of knowing him and spending a lesbian winter with Michione

– when she saw how fucked up the Governor was with his room full of heads and his zombie daughter on a leash and still stayed with the Governor and continued to have consensual intercourse with him

– when she found out that the Governor had taken her friends prisoner and did weird stuff to them and she still stayed by his side thinking he could make a reasonable truce with Rick

– when she thought she was so high and mighty and that people cared about her opinion on the truce, the future of Woodbury, and all that

I’m just wondering when was this character at all someone I should give a poop about?

I don’t care about Andrea. I don’t care if the Governor tortures and kills her. She was the one who decided to keep being with him and keep sexing him and all that.

I just don’t get where I’m supposed to be all heart-broken or even remotely interested about her death, which has been talked about from the very beginning of this series and just hasn’t happened. MAKE IT HAPPEN AND MOVE ON.

I thought the first half of this season was ok/good. There was the clearing out of the prison, Rick went nuts, Michione was doing stuff, and so on. But the second half of this season has become a little unbearable with all this Andrea stuff. I didn’t sign up for episode after episode of nonsense about Andrea. She’s boring, she’s unlikable, and she’s stupid, which is what the show is becoming.

I’ll finish out this season with only a couple or so episodes left.

I’m expecting to watch at least some of the next season. Why? I mean there are zombies on it, so it’s not like I’m watching a bunch of other shows with zombies on it. But I’m expecting the show will go down hill even more next season. I don’t know if Andrea is having an affair with the old showrunner, which is why her character is so prominent now, but there is a new showrunner for next season. That new showrunner I believe was apart of the creative process for such brilliance as “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance”, so I’m expecting the next season to fall apart in two or three episodes and for me to eventually give up on it then.


Game of Thrones starts in a couple weeks.

Mad Men starts in a few weeks.

I will welcome both with open arms.

How was your weekend?


So, it’s St. Patrick’s day weekend this weekend, which means we’re half-way through the third month of the year and I’ve seen 1… ONE… UNO! movie in the theaters.

This has got to be a record low.

As I usually do, I covered in February what movies were coming out in March. I said I wanted to see 4 of them. Not really wanted, let me say that I would see them. I’m open to seeing them as opposed to the rest. I’m not open to seeing “G.I. Joe Retaliation”. You would think I might be, but I’m not. I don’t want to support the making of those movies in anyway. Those obviously time-wasting terrible movies. They’re terrible. Unless someone paid me to see it. At this point, I’d sell my soul for money.

The four movies that I said I was open to seeing were Steve Carell’s “Burt Wonderstone”, Chan Wook Park’s “Stoker”, slutty former Disney princesses’ “Spring Breakers”, and Ryan Gosling/Bradley Cooper’s “The Place Beyond the Pines”.

Right now, I don’t really want to see the first 3 in theaters. I’d rather watch “Stoker” at home, I’d watch “Burt Wonderstone” possibly some afternoon when I’m hungover on the couch and it’s for free on TBS, and “Spring Breakers” I’m willing to watch by myself for obvious and not so obvious reasons.

I’d still see “The Place Beyond the Pines” in theaters at the moment.

What decides that moment? Reviews.

Right now, “Burt Wonderstone” isn’t getting good reviews. I wasn’t expecting it to get wonderful reviews or anything, but the reviews are saying it isn’t that funny and the commercials on TV don’t make it seem that funny. So, if 1 + 1 = 2 then it’s probably not that funny. Everyone could be wrong, but taking that gamble is the type of high stakes poker that I’m willing to play. The premise for the movies seems to be the best part, but it loses itself after that and on top of that I have a huge problem with the movie at the core of the movie.

WHY ISN’T STEVE CARELL GAY IN THE MOVIE?!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!?

Is he? It doesn’t seem like he is.

It seems like he is sexing all these ladies and so forth in the movie.


Isn’t he supposed to be a ripoff of Siegfried & Roy? I’ve never personally seen Siegfried or Roy kiss a man, but I think deep down we either all believe the two of them are gay or hope/wish/pray they are. So, why is Carell banging chicks in this movie? Dudes and chicks? Ok.

My guess? The movie is a paint-by-numbers movie that really doesn’t take risks and sad to say that the people who made this movie probably think that actually having Siegfried & Roy ripoffs be gay is a risk. And that’s pathetic.

It’s not a “spoiler” because it’s fucking grade-A obvious – Olivia Wilde and Steve Carell will end up together in this movie. Why on FUCKING EARTH would I want to see that? WHY?! GIVE ME ONE FUCKING REASON WHY I WOULD WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE WATCHING STEVE CARELL HOOK UP WITH OLIVIA WILDE? I don’t get it anymore. I don’t get why people still want to see movies in that regard.

About the only comedian that I can think of that can still pull that type of stuff off is Will Ferrell. Reason being? THE REST OF THE MOVIE IS BAT SHIT CRAZY. And at the same time, Will has played a couple gay characters. Beyond that, Will has played a truly sexually deviant character and just awful racist character in Ashley Schaeffer on “Eastbound and Down”. ANYWAY… I mean some people might say that a movie like “Casa de Mi Padre” is a paint-by-numbers kind of movie where the hot chick falls for Will in the movie, but they’re fucking wrong because the movie is in fucking SPANISH! He made a movie in subtitles and made it a Spanish Soap Opera and so forth and why am I even still typing about this…

Next… “Stoker”.

I read the reviews for “Stoker” and they’re so-so. It seemed like the least interesting plot that Chan Wook Park had ever dealt with, but I’m willing to see it because it’s him making it. And there was one review in particular that actually got me somewhat excited to see the movie and then I was explained to that I’m an idiot and now I kind of just want to watch it on Netflix.


Do you know what that means? I didn’t. Or let’s just say, I thought it meant literally what it’s words are saying – gazing at navels. I thought that when the reviewer was saying that Mia did a lot of “navel-gazing” that she in fact was gazing at people’s navels.

I wanted to see a movie where a girl was fixated with people’s belly-buttons!

What’s so fucking wrong about that? I thought that was kind of interesting. I was like, “yeah, belly-buttons can be sexy. Perfect example, the movie poster for ‘American Beauty’ is a shot of girl’s tummy with her navel right in the middle and that red rose. So, yeah, that works.” I was almost more interested in seeing the movie than I was previously. I’ve got nothing against the 3 actors in the movie, but at the same time none of them make me want to see the movie. So, now, they’re going to have a subplot of belly buttons – whatever, I can buy into that innovative thinking.

Turns out, I’m a fucking idiot. Navel-gazing is useless or excessive self-contemplation. That’s navel-gazing. An activity which pretty much sums up how I spend about a fifth of time on this planet and sums up at least half of the internet. The other half is porn. And there’s a percentage or two dedicated to Harlem Shake videos.

Now, I don’t want to see it. Or I mean I don’t want to see “Stoker” in the theaters. It’s one thing to waste your time in your own home. It’s another to waste your time outside of your home. You know?

Lastly, “Spring Breakers”.

No matter what I’m going to feel like a pervert watching this movie. I’m fine with that, but let’s at least feel like a pervert in private per usual. In many ways, that’s kind of what the point of the movie might be. It’s a movie highlighting frat culture and rap music video culture and really just a movie made to take Disney looking girls and show off the darker underbelly of what really goes on with hot young girls. I’ve read some reviews and some people buy the exploitation as an artistic idea and some simply think it is exploitation.

You can say that about art in general. Is a nude picture art because we’re showing the beauty of a nude or is it ‘pornographic’ because you just want to show a picture of someone nude for sexual reasons? And so on and so on. In general, whether the movie is or isn’t high-minded in its low-mindedness – it doesn’t appear like the movie is all that good. Even the most positive reviews for the movie are really only saying they like the premise of the movie for the sake of it and not the delivery of the movie that is more or less devoid of storyline, dialogue, plot, and memorable anything.

I still kind of want to see it to see how far Harmony Korine goes. It sounds like a concept for a short movie that’s been repeated over and over again to make it 90 minutes. And that’s from the positive reviews too. Some people are trying to make it sound like it’s so meta-physical blah blah blah and others are saying it is trash and others are saying they’re caught in the middle. So, I’m curious does a movie about girls in bikinis shooting guns have any redeeming qualities or not?

Also, for the people who did like this movie… how could they not like “Sucker Punch”? Which is a 1/10th as exploitative with more plot and story and so forth.


I guess I’m waiting on Bradley Cooper and Ryan Gosling.

I hope you have a great weekend.

Hay-lo, womenz and menz.

I’m writing a post today – white smoke!

I’m eating a turkey sandwich for lunch – white smoke!

Second thought – white smoke! -, I might make myself a tuna melt – WHITE SMOKE!

So, we gots a new Pope.

This changes absolutely nothing in my life. Well, I guess before I got to say Nazi-Pope when someone mentioned the Pope every 9-15 months in my life that the Pope is actually mentioned. Now, I can still say Nazi-Pope, but I won’t be as severely accurate as I was prior.

I’m guess I’m supposed to be all thrilled that the Catholic church elected a Jesuit Pope because I went to a Jesuit university… uhhhhhhhh… sure. That makes me as thrilled as when a team in a sport that I don’t watch wins and their team colors just happen to be the same team colors of some school I attended once.

I’d be a lot more excited if they had announced a Pope who might change the Catholic religion into something that isn’t archaic and shameful. But hey, that’s asking a bit much, isn’t it?

I do find it funny that the last Pope aka Nazi-Pope looked so much like Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars and his affiliation with the Nazi party made him an evil Pope. And now we have a new Pope and everyone seems happy about it, but he doesn’t look that much less villainy. I was told some people think he looks like Jeffrey Tambor from “Arrested Development”, but I also thought he looked like Batman super villain Dr. Hugo Strange…

I guess minus the beard.

It’s really those glasses and the bald head and my negative connotations of people who have a job that didn’t help a single person during the Holocaust. But hey, whatevs! Forget and forgive, right?

What else?

I didn’t post yesterday – WHITE SMOKE! – because I had to get my car inspected – White Smoke! – and I also went grocery shopping – WHHHHHHIIIITTTTEEE SMOKE!!!!

As for getting my car inspected, I was in line with two Corvette convertibles of about the same approximate year and I found that hilarious. I don’t really know why, but I guess I just find it funny that there are people out there who are buying these cars and they need to get them inspected at a DMV just like the Soccer Moms in their Chrysler Town & Countrys.

As for the grocery shopping, I did learn that the Stop & Shop on route 10 is the local business people hang out for lunch. It was a feeding frenzy at that salad bar in there. You’d get your fingers bit – chomp chomp! WHITE SMOKE!

Anything else?

Miley and Liam split.

Liam’s not-Thor? Right? I get them confused in the name department. I know which one was Thor and was not-Thor.

Honestly, I thought they were an interesting couple. He seemed pretty together and she seems like a fucking loose cannon. And in that, I thought that deep down Liam was sort of a reformed loose cannon and he fell in love with a loose cannon and there was something there. But whatever.

She’ll continue to be a loose cannon and probably shack up soon enough with some other shitty “country” singer or maybe a DJ and he’ll go off and marry a supermodel. I mean his brother did it, his brother Thor.

Football is going ape-shit.

There has been a torrent of firings and hirings in the NFL just as there always is around now.

Some sound good and some sound bad.

Probably the best one I have seen so far has been Denver getting Wes Welker. I think that was an excellent move by Denver. They grab an excellent receiver who can truly revolutionize their slot receiver position, which Peyton definitely uses. At the same time, they take away one of the greatest weapons their enemy, the Patriots, have known. So, win win. Wes averages at least 10 catches a game which is amazing, but when Denver plays New England soon enough I’m guessing Wes will pop off for like 100 catches and/or play as the greatest decoy ever and the other wide receiver tandem of Black & Decker will catch 100 passes each. Who knows.

The rest of the moves are interesting, but I’m not sure I would say good or bad yet.

Reggie Bush to Detroit is definitely better than what Detroit had previously, but who knows if Reggie is the right fit per say. I like Matt Stafford, but he’s a home run passer and likes to chuck the ball all the way down field, so that might not work for the new running back. Also, that team needed a coach change and they didn’t get it. Reggie is seemingly walking into a locker room that is really heading off the rails.

Mike Wallace to Miami is a good pick up. I like Mike Wallace a lot and I think that Miami can definitely use him well. As many have stated, it’s tough many times to get players who just got lucrative contracts to actually live up to them, we’ll see what Mike does. The thing with Miami is that they have a history of signing big name players. Specifically, they signed Brandon Marshall, Reggie Bush, Karlos Dansby and so on and none of those signings really changed the team that much for the better. We’ll see if Wallace is different. They always can be different and this Miami team does have a different coach nowadays, but still… the team has signed big name talent before and continued on the same road following it. Maybe these big signings are the answer, maybe they’re not.

The Dolphins signed several other players and some are more interesting than others. The Wallace one is the best one by far. I like Dannell Ellerbe in that I like pronouncing his name Dannell Ellerbe – it’s funny to say. But I don’t know how much of that contract he’s really worth.

On the flip-side of all this, the Baltimore Ravens have lost 6 of their 22 starters from the Super Bowl. That’s pretty incredible. They lost Ray Lewis and Matt Birk to retiredom. They lost Ellerbe, Pollard, Kruger, and Boldin to free agency. Most people are declaring the Ravens dead in the water. We’ll see. I think the Ravens are not slated for much of a Super Bowl or even Playoffs run this year, but they are one of the better drafting teams in NFL history, so in a couple years I’m sure they’ll be back in the saddle.

I feel like they’ve lost some pieces, but most of those pieces weren’t cornerstones for that team. Matt Birk and Ray Lewis were cornerstones, but they retired and they gave the Ravens more than the Ravens could have ever asked for.

What else?

Workaholics is a funny show.

Nathan For You is also funny.

The UFC has fights this weekend.

I’m going to call a British man on the phone right now. Hopefully, he feels talkative. Hopefully, he picks up the phone.


Hello to whomever today.

Last night, I finally sat down and watched “Cloud Atlas”.

I have never read the book nor even heard of the book prior to this movie coming to fruition. What I can imagine though is that at least 85% of the people who started reading the book ARE STILL READING THE BOOK. Generally speaking, they’ll be reading that book for the rest of their fucking lives I’m guessing and into their next life and the one after that because I imagine every night when one slumbers more pages to the book grow in the back causing the book to be an endless cornucopia of reading about winding tales in some sci-fi past, present, and future.

The movie is long. It’s not the longest movie I’ve ever watched by a long shot, but it does feel quite long. It’s not slow. I don’t want to misrepresent the movie. The movie is not slow. It’s just long. Imagine running a marathon from a Kenyan Olympic star’s perspective. No matter how fast the Kenyan runs, he’s still going to have to run for 2 – 3 hours. Or she for that matter. Run as fast as you want, but 26+ miles is still 26+ miles and they’re going to take awhile to run. That’s how Cloud Atlas was. It was fairly quick paced, but it was just a fucking long ass movie that no matter how quickly they edited between storylines or no matter how much prosthetic make-up they slapped on Hugo Weaving – it’s still going to be llllloooonnnngggg.

Yes, that is Hugo Weaving aka Agent Smith aka the Red Skull aka the Elf King guy from Lord of the Rings who probably had an -andoor or something on his name or whatever – dressed as a Nurse Ratched like woman.

So, what did I think of the movie?

Kind of hard to say.

I wasn’t bored.

That’s incredible positive in my opinion and at the same time I don’t how much I really liked the movie or would recommend it to anyone. I think there is a select audience out there that should definitely see it. Obviously, any sci-fi lovers should see it. People who sat through The Hobbit and are planning on sitting through 2 more Hobbits as well. The movie is a murky mess of about 7 storylines that feature the same rotating cast of actors playing roles that are similar to roles from one of the other storylines. They meander around and in the end teach us a few lessons about humanity.

What we learn? Well, “oppression is bad”, “cannibalism is bad”, “love is good”, “greediness is bad”, and “seeking the truth could get you killed”.

There are several actors in the movie who play several parts in the movie and for the most part they play either good characters or bad characters or a background character.

Let’s take Tom Hanks for an example…

Tom Hanks plays 6 characters in the movie with 5 having a role to play in one of the above lessons. Sometimes he’s a good guy; sometimes he’s a bad guy. Older British actor Jim Broadbent plays 5 characters with really only 2 as big deal characters, but they go back and forth between being good and bad.

Meanwhile, Halle Berry plays 6 characters and the ones that are actually apart of storylines are all good characters because how on Earth could this Halle Berry lead you astray…

This gorgeous woman is 46 years old probably been gorgeous her whole life and chances are will continue to be. There ain’t nothing wrong with Halle Berry… except her choice in men, but that’s a different article altogether.

Anyway, if you follow Halle Berry you doin’ right with your life, apparently.

I forgot something else we learn – “interracial relationships are good”.

Halle’s apart of one in the movie and it’s not even just interracial it’s almost about inter-evolutionary or something. But there are a few storylines about that. If you’re wondering “racism is bad” in Cloud Atlas.

So, I’ll say it was interesting. I’m not sold on bad or good in this regard. There were certainly a lot of good moments and there were certainly a lot of bad or eyebrow furrowing moments. Not bad like Twilight or Warm Bodies or Expendables bad just shrugging my shoulders like “ok?” kind of stuff happening from time to time.

I’d like to say that in the end everything makes sense, but I don’t know if that’s even the point of the movie to do that or if it does make sense. I don’t know if the writer makes sense of everything. I feel like as mentioned there are themes in the movie and if you cross one of those themes then you pay for it in a similar way as the rest pay for crossing those themes.

For instance, the sin of greediness in the movie generally results in death. Not many greedy people in the movie have a happy ending. Same can be said for the racists and the cannibals. And for Hugo Weaving. Nothing good happens to Hugo Weaving in the movie. Hugh Grant?

For the most part, nothing good happens to him either.

I don’t know if this is a selling point to you or not, but Hugh Grant plays a couple actual cannibals and a couple metaphorical cannibals in the movie. Strangely enough, that was a selling point for me.

I did want to see this movie when I first heard about it simply because the Wachowski brothers were making it. There is a third director who helped make the movie as well Tom Tykwer. Either way, as of right now, I’ll see any movie the Wachowski brothers make. So far, I have and I haven’t been disappointed. Then I saw that Tom Hanks was involved and Halle Berry and a whole bunch of other people were in it and some were interesting like Mr. Weaving.

But I didn’t end up seeing the movie in theaters. Apparently, not many did. The movie tanked in the theaters. I don’t think it was out in the theaters for too long around here, but I didn’t make much effort to see it either. I knew it was long and I was unsure about it because of the mixed reviews and for awhile I didn’t actually know anyone who did see it. Finally, a friend saw it who I trust recommendations from, but by that point it was out of theaters around here.

I tried illegally downloading the movie and got a copy that turned out to be a bum copy. There’s an AVI version floating out there that is I believe from a “screener” and it blows goats. For some reason the video is spot on, but the audio is from a camera’s microphone recording the movie playing in some theater. I don’t know. Either way, I tried to watch it and it didn’t happen and I kind of forgot about the movie… that was until the flight home from St. Thomas.

Those stupid Direct TV headsets kept running the same commercial over and over and over again to get me to swipe my credit card to watch Cloud Atlas or Argo. But they kept running back-to-back trailers for Cloud Atlas and kept showing Hugh Grant as this tattooed cannibal guy and then Hugh Grant as this business tycoon who looked like a social cannibal. For some reason, that made me really want to see the movie. Hugh is in the movie a bunch, but he’s not in it nearly as much as the rest of the people, but it was interesting watching Hugh act villainous.

Do I recommend seeing “Cloud Atlas”?

If you want to see it then see it. If you don’t then don’t. If you wanted to see the movie and feel like you’re an informed viewer and know going into it it is a mess of storylines told through different time periods and the same actors play different roles through them and that’s appealing to you and you get that it’s going to be looooonnnggg… and you’re cool with that – then see it. You’ll probably enjoy it.

If that doesn’t sound appealing then go find something else. What do you want me to say?

I mean…

Tom Hanks does speak like Jodie Foster in “Nell” for a portion of the movie.

And, Halle Berry is flawless.

Guten tag, lay-days!

It’s been awhile since the last lyrical breakdown post and I’ve been talking Sisqo lyrics this morning, so it seems apropos that I do a musical lyrics post about my un-understanding of them.

Today, we’ll be discussing Taylor Swift’s “I Knew You Were Trouble”…

Generally speaking, I think Taylor Swift is like Arnold Schwarzenegger in “Last Action Hero” and some kid with a golden ticket stub pulled a real life Disney/fairytale princess through the silver screen and now she’s running around America singing pop songs about choosing the wrong boyfriend(s). Some say, I should’ve referenced “Enchanted”, but I haven’t seen that movie, so I don’t know how they came out of the movie screen. Either way, I think Taylor Swift secretly can talk to blue jays and sunflowers bend towards her when she walks by and her hair smells like a morning rainbow on the Spring solstice and she pees honey.

It seems like I can’t go on a website these days where Taylor Swift isn’t mentioned. I wish I didn’t even have an opinion on Taylor Swift, but for fuck’s sake she’s everywhere whether she’s meant it to be this way or not. Specifically, I’m referring to everyone saying that she said that Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are going to burn in Hell. Wowzers, right?

Honestly, I skimmed through some articles about that. I also don’t care whether she has a 100 boyfriends, gets broken up with or breaks up with them, and writes a million songs about it. Who am I to judge? I listened to pop punk and emo music for a solid 4 years of my life. What were those songs about? Girlfriends and ex-girlfriends and none of them were the equivalent of Jake Gyllenhall. I’m 99% sure that the first 3 “Saves the Day” albums are all about one break-up and at the very least I still listen to one of those albums still to this day and that was just good ole’ Jersey high school break-up angst.

Either way, it was wrong of Taylor Swift to say Amy and Tina should or will burn in Hell… because of that joke. If Tina is going to burn in Hell it is probably because “30 Rock” stopped being funny after the second season and her movie career is less funny than leprosy. As for Amy, well, I guess the whole Will Arnet thing sucks. Burn in hell worthy? Probably not. Her role in the movie “Baby’s Mama”? Probably burn worthy, which Devil Tina was the creator and star of as well. BURN YOU TWO, BURN!

And at the same time, who knew Katie Couric had quotes to quote?! Besides Couric showing her asshole and everything inside of it on TV, I can’t think of anything else she’s done. That awkward Sarah Palin interview. So, that’s two things. Either way, who knew she had quotes like the vitriol of women burning in eternal hell fire for not helping other women. If that’s the case then there are so many women going to burn in Hell. Just check twitter during any episode of Teen Mom, Teen Mom 2, anything involving the Kardashians, an awards show of any kind et cetera. It kind of seems like that the cool table in the afterlife will be Tina, Amy, and every chick who has ever wrote for a blog in the past 3 years all burning in Hell while Taylor Swift and Katie Couric laugh and laugh and laugh… which would mean they’re not helping those women and thus they will be burning in that Hell as well.

Interesting paradox!

Let’s move on to the song… and what the fuck is Taylor singing about?!

Once upon a time a few mistakes ago
I was in your sights, you got me alone
You found me, you found me, you found me

John Mayer? Harry Styles? Freddy Kreuger? Michael Myers? This is not starting off promising.

I guess you didn’t care, and I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard you took a step back
Without me, without me, without me

Didn’t care? Didn’t care about what? Didn’t care about her? Didn’t care about her ex-boyfriends? Didn’t care that she was Tay Tay Swift?

And when she fell hard, he took a step back? Is this literal? Like a trust fall that went horribly wrong? I’m guessing it is metaphorical, but if the first thing you can think about a guy is that he’s a loner who doesn’t care then you shouldn’t expect him to catch you when you fall. What fall by the way? As far as I know, the only pitfalls in Taylor’s career have been her relationships, which have all turned into number 1 pop songs.

And he’s long gone when he’s next to me
And I realize the blame is on me

You’re right about that, Taylor.

As mentioned, if you’re categorizing someone as someone who “doesn’t care” and then you expect them “to care” then you’ve fucked yourself in the ole’ puss on that one.

‘Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I’d never been

This is brilliant. First and foremost, if this is about John Mayer then it doesn’t take a fucking rocket scientist to know that the guy whose sole reputation is star fucking as he gets star fucked with a huge smile from his huge mouth then yes he’s “trouble”. Especially, if you’re a starry eyed teenager who thinks gang bang, dropping n bombs Mayer is going to take you on picnics.

But the brilliance is the second part of “flew me to places I’d never been”. Yeah? Where the fuck did John Mayer fly you? Follow-up, you’re a filthy rich mega star – fly your fucking self somewhere and find someone who does “care”. For a self-titled feminist, I would think you wouldn’t need a man to fly you any place considering you have the means to do it yourself and on top of that would want someone who isn’t known for tearing through half of People magazines 30 hottest celebs under 30.

But what the fuck do I know?

‘Til you put me down, oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I’d never been
Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble

Fuck a pilot.

Seriously, pilots can fly you to places. They can do it themselves and/or they get insane discounts on flight tickets, so they can fly you around like that too. Plus, pilots don’t care about shit! Have you seen “Flight”?! That’s like 50% of pilots. The other 50% are living double or triple lives with multiple families and all the ascending and descending altitude has completely distorted their internal processing of emotions and they can’t care even if they cared to care, which they don’t.

So, in the end, Taylor’s big feminist moment is to lay on the ground crying trouble, trouble, trouble like an OCD Lena Dunham after she found out that her boyfriend who didn’t care actually doesn’t care and the only reason she liked him was that he took her on some trips?

Not to say I wouldn’t man-whore myself out for a glorified travel agent, but I also wouldn’t lay on the ground saying “double, double, toil and trouble”.

No apologies, he’ll never see you cry
Pretend he doesn’t know that he’s the reason why
You’re drowning, you’re drowning, you’re drowning

Well, jokes on you, kiddo, HE DOESN’T CARE!

Again, if this is about John Mayer then he honestly cannot care about Taylor Swift’s feelings while he’s neck deep in Katy Perry’s teets. It’s like going into one of those sensory deprivation chambers. You can’t tell whether your eyes are open or not!

Now I heard you moved on from whispers on the street
A new notch in your belt is all I’ll ever be
And now I see, now I see, now I see


That’s kind of what a guy who “doesn’t care” would most likely do. Also, if the trade was sex for frequent flyer miles then what’s the big deal?

He was long gone when he met me
And I realize the joke is on me, yeah!

Seems like an oddly placed “yeah!”, but I’m not the song writer.

I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I’d never been
‘Til you put me down, oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I’d never been
Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble

Not that you have to really “relate” to the music you listen to, but is this at all relatable for anyone out there not named Taylor Swift or some other chick celebrity?

Or are girls relating to Taylor Swift on a really low budget metaphorical level like a girl from “Buckwild” thinking that her dude who took her to the Arby’s across town that she had never been to is similar to a famous rock star being taken on plane flights by another famous rockstar. If that’s the case then I can really see why Taylor and girls like Taylor need to worry about other girls helping them BECAUSE THEY NEED A LOT OF FUCKING HELP.

C’mon! You throw your stank at a guy who you admit you know isn’t going to be sticking around then when he doesn’t stick around you get all cry baby about it. That’s not actual “trouble” and that’s not something that people shouldn’t be allowed to make fun of. I mean, I show up to ABC television’s brilliant obstacle course show “Wipeout” and the first time I get clubbed in the fucking face with a foam paddle I start bawling my eyes out yelling “trouble, trouble, trouble” well then I would be called a weeny. Nothing more or less.

I think it boils down to how long can someone play “I’m just an innocent young girl who doesn’t know any better” card? She’s 23. The song came out last year. So, 22? But the reality is that she’s writing or having songs written for her to sing to girls who are like 14. So, in that, she’s open to be made fun of because she’s representing herself as a stupid kid, but she should be past the stupid kid phase of life and if we treat you as a stupid kid then that’s what you get.

Plus, no one is above being made fun of.

And the saddest fear comes creeping in
That you never loved me or her, or anyone, or anything, yeah

See… this is the shit that deflates whatever shit she thinks she’s saying. The guy who doesn’t care who you knew was trouble never loved you? NO FUCKING SHIT. We’re not talking rocket science. We’re talking about you boning John Mayer – John “I called Jessica Simpson’s vagina as addicting as crack” Mayer – and then a week later you crying to yourself that he doesn’t love you. No fucking shit.

And if you didn’t bone him… if Taylor didn’t bone John Mayer… then of course he didn’t love her and is even more of a reason why the relationship ended as quickly as it did. And in that case, you’re not even a notch in his belt, you’re kind of a waste of his time. If she’s looking to bang chicks and you don’t bang him then you serve no purpose. Also, if he’s flying you around to places you never been and you don’t bang the fella then that’s just bad manners. I mean what are you doing to earn these trips? That’s what I’m wondering. Is it sparkling dinner conversation? If that’s all John Mayer wants then John Mayer would be much more suited in flying around me or possibly Melissa McCarthy and her husband Ben Falcone because I’m sure we’re much more amusing than Taylor Swift.

I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I’d never been
‘Til you put me down, oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in (you were right there, you were right there)
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I’d never been
Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble

I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Trouble, trouble, trouble
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Trouble, trouble, trouble

Blah blah blah…

I do like the song though.

Yep. I’ve listened to this song dozens of times and I haven’t really listened to the lyrics.

I try to stay away from listening to lyrics. I let them wash over me and try not to think about them at all because usually lyrics are fucking stupid. Not every Neil Young song has meaningful lyrics, so how on Earth is Ne-Yo or Bruno Mars going to write anything worth thinking about.

My advice for getting some respect, Taylor. Either deal with other people like an adult would or stop caring what people say about you because you’re rich and famous and you’re young and hot and you’re going to be that way for at least the rest of your 20’s.

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