Hello, everybody…

I’ve got a lot of reasons to cover, so let’s get this show on the road right the fuck now!

REASONS WHY I’M NOT GOING TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT

1. The movies suck

2. The movies really suck

3. The movies suck so much

4. The movies suck a lot to the point I won’t see them

5. The movies are sucky suck suck

6. The movies sucking unwatchable

7. The movies enormously suck

8. The movies extraordinarily suck

9. The movies powerfully suck

10. The movies suck in such a way that they make sucking noises

11. The movies suck!!!!

Let’s just say #12 – #732 also have the worlds “The movies suck” in there somewhere.

I know I’ve mentioned this in the past, but for those who are unaware…

I SEE THE MOVIES FOR FREE!

That’s how much I don’t want to see these movies. They are FREE and they’re within walking distance. It takes less than 10 minutes to walk over to the movie theater. They’re exceptionally close and they’re free. FREE!

Not only are they free, but I have a girlfriend.

GIRLFRIEND!

Do you know what that means? DO YOU?!

If you answered, “you have a loving companion to sit through these shit movies with” then you would be right in a fashion. I mean it’s not that I don’t believe that, but it’s not what I was getting at. Sure, having your perennial valentine with you is great and all, but the person who is typing this aka ME has seen Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer by himself in a theater on opening weekend. So, I’m pretty comfortable seeing movies I will regret seeing and I saw them by myself.

The actual answer I was looking for was … A girlfriend carries a purse, which can smuggle shit into a movie theater.

Technically, my girlfriend is my girlfriend, but if you have a girl who is a friend then you can do this as well. And/or if you are a girl yourself and carry a purse. And/or if you are a guy who carries a purse —- which gay or straight is uncommon.

Sidenote: one would think gay guys would carry purses, right? There are gay guys that I imagine do carry purses just as their are straight women who don’t, but I’m talking about the large percentage of them.

Movie theaters don’t think twice about a girl and her purse. Maybe if you’re in a crime ridden area and your girl’s purse could be packing your girl’s gun and then they check. But I’ve walked into movie theaters many times and some of those times were with a female accomplice and they never check their purse.

What can go in that purse? Obviously, food. Food costs a lot at movie theaters. Last time, when we went to see the shitty shit fest known as Oblivion we brought a ziplock bag of Goldfish crackers. That’s right! Fucking living wild. And, call me crazy – I’d rather have free Goldfish crackers from home than a $10 popcorn that’s probably stale and made several days ahead of time.

What else? A flash of booze. That’s right. Drink that shit straight. Or order one of those sodas they have and spice it up.

What else? Fuck that soda I just mentioned and bring your own or buy a soda from a 7-11, which charges a fourth the price.

What else? A ham and cheese sandwich on an everything bagel. THAT COULD BE IN THERE! YOU DON’T KNOW!

Anyway…

The sucky movies that are out that I could get free movies at and bring a deli sandwich to if I so pleased are:

42 – Harrison Ford hasn’t made a good movie since Air Force One? Is that what we’re saying at this point? That was a pre-Monica Lewinsky world. I mean she existed, but not to any of us. That’s how long ago that was. Pre-cigar in the vagina in the Oval Office. OR I mean pre-us knowing about it. I’m sure many Presidents have stuck literal cigars into womens vaginas in the Oval Office, but we didn’t know about it.

G.I. Joe Retaliation 3D – It’s bad. You know it’s bad. Just the scene alone of Bruce Willis in the back of that car and the tailgate drops and he starts shooting looks so fucking stupid and horrible that I can’t imagine watching a second of the movie.

Oblivion – Ugh. Don’t remind me. Just looked at a poster for this movie that shows Tom walking across a bridge that it is bent to the side. What the fuck?

Pain & Gain – I do love the Rock, but I don’t love the movies he is in. It’s 2 hours and 10 minutes of Michael Bay without CGI. It’s also a comedy. I don’t really think Mark Wahlberg is a good actor to begin with, but I will admit I have liked movies he’s been in. Those movies usually have a great director and a great supporting cast. I’m not sure a weightlifting movie that turns into a heist film directed by Bay is any of those things.

Scary Movie V – Seriously? It’s amazing these movies are still let into theaters and not just direct to Netflix.

The Big Wedding – Nope. Looks paint-by-numbers and horrible.

The Company You Keep – Ewwww. Shia? No.

The Croods – No. It looks atrocious and I’m turning 30 in less than 60 days and I don’t have children of any sort. I would see the behind-the-scenes of this movie in a heartbeat. If I could watch the recording studio footage of Nic Cage voice acting as a thoughtful caveman father or anything then I WOULD. I’d pay to see that. I’d just throw a $20 bill at someone to thank them.

The Place Beyond the Pines – Seent it.

So, yeah.

I think we’re going to go to Target instead… BALLER!

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WHAT IT IS!

I went to a barbecue restaurant where I ate cheese fries with chopped brisket on top. It was an appetizer.

DID YOU JUST READ WHAT I WROTE?!

CHEESE FRIES WITH CHOPPED BRISKET AS AN APPETIZER!!!!

I don’t know about how you are all feeling, but I think America is doing better than it ever has. If America was really falling apart then we wouldn’t be serving such delicious brisket that is just falling apart because of its tenderness. It was magnificent.

What did I eat with the brisket/cheese fries? How about a sliced brisket sandwich with cheese and a horseradish sauce. FUCK YEAH, AMERICA. FUCKING FUCK YEAH!

Now, for some sad news… more May movie previews.

I’ve got 4 left. Of those 4… one is a blockbuster that looks good, one is a blockbuster that looks bad, one is a movie no one will ever see, and one is a pseudo-blockbuster that looks horrendous. SUH-WEET!!!!! Let’s get into this shit.

THE HANGOVER III

Actually, I’m looking forward to this a lot more than I was looking forward to the 2nd.

I didn’t see a point in making the second one. Especially after they made that lackluster movie “Due Date”, which was kind of a ripoff of The Hangover and directed by the same director Todd Phillips. Either way, they made a second Hangover and set it in Thailand I think and more or less it was a scene by scene remake of the first, but with a lot more Asian people in the background. I thought the second movie had its moments, but overall had little to no originality, felt forced in every way possible, and had a completely forgettable storyline. Not good things.

Not enough happened between the first and second as far as time and real things happening to the actual people. Before the first Hangover, you either had no clue who Bradley Cooper was or you knew he was the guy that Vince Vaughn sucker punches at the end of “Wedding Crashers”. Ed Helms was that guy from “The Office” or possibly that guy from “The Office” who was on “The Daily Show”. And, Zack was either unknown to you or he was a stand-up comic. The first movie changed that and made each one of them a movie star/comedic actor. By the time the second movie came out, nothing had really changed. They were all just the guys from The Hangover. Now, Zack’s been in several movies. Ed took over for Steve Carell in the Office. And, Bradley Cooper is seen as a legitimate actor. Sending them back out there for dick jokes sounds more appealing. And in more Ken Jeoung and an evil John Goodman… sounds like fun.

Also, 3’s usually mean the end of things and with that there’s an intangible feeling to wrap shit up, make it worthwhile because this is the curtain call. So, I’m excited for this. I didn’t think there needed to be a sequel originally and felt obligated to see the second one. Now, they have an obligation to make a proper sequel and end this comedic series correctly. I’m hoping they do it.

AFTER EARTH

Errrrr… nope.

Honestly, I am curious about this movie. I like Will Smith and if he is going to do a father and son in movie then having his actual son as his son isn’t a bad idea. And, it’s a sci-fi action movie which I’m a sucker for. But…

It’s directed by M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN.

I think M. Night is a terrible director. I do. I’m not sure what it is that he does when he talks to his actors or what he does on set, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he feeds them way too much dairy and not enough water because all the characters in all of his movies are CONSTIPATED. They’re CONSTIPATED and just fucking wooden. No matter what movie we’re talking about, these people talk with the same emotional constitutional as an automated telephone operator.

You probably noticed that M. Night’s name isn’t in big letters or mentioned at all on this poster or in the trailers. His name is somewhere in the fine print, but they’re not marketing this as an M. Night movie. One reason – he sucks and everyone knows he sucks even the people who jerk off the “Sixth Sense” know he sucks now. Second reason – he didn’t come up with this movie. It’s more the first reason than the second, but this movie is Will Smith’s idea and he specifically asked for M. Night. I’m hoping that Will just finds a connection with M. Night because of the Philly thing. As for directing kids, M. Night just directed a bunch of kids terribly in Avatar and now he’s going to direct mostly Jaden.

The movie itself seems pretty stupid. It’s Jaden running around an overgrown Earth and there are baboons that have evolved to kill people for whatever reason and Jaden’s got a sword thingy and Will’s stuck in the ship with a stomach wound. I don’t know why I’m that interested in this movie, but I’m interested in how bad is it. Is it downright terrible? Are there any good moments? Worse than “Oblivion”?

Apparently, the original script was about a father and son who got lost hiking or something and the father got hurt and the son had to go through the wilderness for help. Will and his screenwriting buddy Gary Whitta punched it up to be a sci-fi movie instead.

I wish I was Will Smith’s screenwriting buddy.

THE EAST

What a fuckable cast, am I right?

Brit, Alex, Ellen? I don’t think anyone would turn down an invitation to turn that threesome into a foursome. That’s just plain silly to think that someone would turn that down.

The movie? Well, Brit was just in a movie where she was a cult leader and the main characters were trying to get into her cult. Now, she’s trying to get into a radical political group. Either way, deception et cetera.

I would probably see this. I really liked “Another Earth” that Brit was in and I haven’t sat through “Sound of My Voice”, but it looks really good/intriguing. I’d see this.

I’d rather see a sextape involving these three. I’d rather see a sextape involving the stars of most movies rather than seeing the movie they’re promoting and this is definitely one of those movies. It would be funny seeing this movie as a play and anytime Brit is on stage with either Ellen or Alex or Alex is on stage with Ellen everyone in the crowd just starts yelling “kiss each other!”

Anyway… this movie will be a download because I doubt it will come out in theaters.

And, finally…

NOW YOU SEE ME

This movie offends me. It offends every fiber of my being.

The guy who directed this is Louis Leterrier and he has become an uncompromisingly terrible director. His first movie was “Transporter” which was whatever and ok. His second movies was “Unleashed”, which should have stayed as “Danny the Dog”, but either way that movie was pretty great. It was an action movie starring Jet Li and was up there as probably his best movie made not in China. Since then… it has been down hill and gaining speed. Louis directed Transporter 2 followed by the Incredible Hulk remake and then the Clash of the Titans remake. Those movies suck. And, “Now You See Me” looks phenomenally worse than those previously mentioned shitty movies.

Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Isla Fischer, and possibly Dave Franco are big stage magicians like Siegfried & Roy and they start pulling off bank robberies or something. Ugh. I don’t know if you can sit through the entire trailer or not, but there are 4 points in the trailer where someone explodes into a pile of money. I want to burn down the house of everyone involved in the making of this movie when I see someone explode into a pile of money. Everyone! EVERYONE! … well, not Isla’s house because that’s Sacha Baron Cohen’s house too and not Melanie Laurent’s house because she’s a pretty French girl just getting work where she can and Hollywood sucks. But EVERYONE ELSE’S HOUSE!!!!

The movie looks like actual garbage. The part where Eisenberg throws the handcuffs off himself and onto Mark Ruffalo’s wrists and says that when dealing with magic you have to be the smartest person in the room… I hope both of them contract a serious case of irritable bowel syndrome because of that scene. Like they have to shit every 6 hours and it’s never pleasant and they have to take medication their entire lives because of it. And they’ll never be able to ride a rollercoaster again.

Fuck that movie.

Fuck May movies for the most part.

Maybe they’ll do better in June… at least “Man of Steel” comes out then.

I hope you had a great weekend.

Smooches.

BOOM!

AM I RIGHT?!

I’ll preview the last of the crap movies from May on Monday.

Have a great weekend.

I love you.

Howdy

More movies. More May movies. More moronic May movies. More moronic May movies mor mou mo mead mbout, mk? Mk!

BLACK ROCK

Yes, it’s a horror movie.

Yes, it’s about some dudes trying to chop those three white ladies to bits.

Yes, each of them white ladies gets naked.

That’s basically all you need to know.

Well, I guess you could know that the one white lady – Katie Aselton, on the left, from “The League” – directed this movie and wrote it with her husband Mark DuPlass – also from “The League”, no not the guy who plays her husband on “The League”, yes, the guy who plays Pete, yes, she’s too good looking for him, and, yes, you should see DuPlass’ movie “Safety Not Guaranteed” … possibly instead of seeing this slasher movie… although “Safety Not Guaranteed” has no nudity from Lake Bell, Kate Bosworth, or Katie Aselton, so think about it.

THE ENGLISH TEACHER

By any chance, did you watch that Steve Coogan comedy called “Hamlet 2” about a high school doing a crazy over-the-top musical which was their own sequel to Hamlet? This movie sounds a lot like that, but not full of prat falls and with a lot more Nathan Lane. I haven’t seen a trailer, but with it having their faces the way they are on the poster, I’m guessing this has a happy feel good ending and a ton of nonsense I don’t want to ever see.

I guess they’re all supposed to be expressing emotions, emotions that are thought provoking and full of earnestness.

To me, they all look like someone opened their stall door while they were in mid-shit.

Julianne is trying to keep calm and her dignity. Michael is brooding and thinking over whether he should shit in shame or attack with poop fresh on his naked bottom. Nathan, a little more in your face, saying if you want to look look, but make it quick and move on. Lily is surprised and her innocence is lost forever. Greg bemused and continuing to shit regardless. He was really in mid-shit when the door opened.

Not seeing this.

FRANCES HA

Give me a second here… just going to Wikipedia for a second… subject… Greta Gerwig… scanning bio page for any information on her dating— oh here it is… Greta Gerwig is dating Noah Baumbach. Huh? That’s not surprising in the least bit!

Nothing against Noah or Greta, but this movie might as well be a home video the two of them can felate each other to.

I saw “Greenberg” which was a good enough excuse of a movie to have Ben Stiller act like an uncomprimising asshole, Greta to act like a quirky and submissive somebody, and to see Greta topless like 4 times in the movie. I thought all three went swimmingly in the movie. Boobs looked great, very quirky and submissive, and a complete asshole. Wonderful.

Now, we have Noah making a second film with Greta – while R rated, it does not mention ‘nudity’, so it appears one will need to watch Greenberg to see Greta’s Gerwigs if you know what I meanz – and this one on its surface sounds like it is full of WHIMSY. And you know how many people like WHIMSY? Less than whatever you just said. I hate to just say that the plot sounding like a rough estimate of “Girls” with a hapless, but far from hopeless quirky white girl wondering about New York in search of realizing her dreams even though she doesn’t seem to have any of the proper social, physical, or mental tools to do so. Oh, the adventures Greta must get herself into! I bet she gets herself into a few situations a really old dead person would call a ‘pickle’. Right?!

Skip.

ROMAIN DURIS

I don’t know much about this movie other than that dude is actor Romain Duris and he’s French and he’s a writer in this and he has a rom-com affair with the chick behind him. What I do know is that Romain Duris is in one of my favorite movies of all time called “The Beat That My Heart Skipped”. It is a French remake of a Harvey Keitel movie called “Fingers”. It’s a gangster movie of sorts about a son – Duris – who is caught between continuing to be a low level gangster for his living father or to follow in his dead mother’s footsteps as a concert pianist. It’s a movie about self-discovery in a way of remembering that life could have been different and how difficult it is to change one’s lie once you’ve lived it in one way for so long. A follow-up to that movie suggestion is to see “A Prophet” which is another excellent movie by the same director – Jacques Audiard.

As for this movie in the poster, well, see it or not – whatever. I’ve seen a few other Romain Duris movies, he’s a good actor, but “The Beat That My Heart Skipped” will always be my favorite.

AURANGZEB

Apparently, Bollywood doesn’t do vertical posters.

I mention this movie because I’m talking about mostly American movies and a lot of them sound fucking terrible; meanwhile, there are so many movies that are coming out internationally in places like India that are a different level of crazy than what we’re making and just as bad. The big difference though is that Bollywood is just having fun. It’s terrible, but it’s fun. Just listen to how amazingly absurd this plot is…

A family of policemen, and a family of gangsters. To bring down a criminal, the law will have to think like a criminal! This summer, there will be only 1 Emperor. Directed by Atul Sabharwal and produced by Aditya Chopra, “Aurangzeb” stars Arjun Kapoor, in a double role, along with Prithviraj, in lead roles in this intriguing and gripping drama.

It’s a drama?! A movie that’s oddly reminiscent of Jean Claude Van Damme’s “Double Impact” done by Bollywood is a drama? Fantastic. Who would’ve guessed this guy singing by that girls legs would be playing TWO roles? Also, the use of the word ‘Emperor’ out of nowhere really took these 4 sentences up 100 notches. Great stuff, India.

EPIC

“Epic” looks “Epic”-ly bad.

Who wants to see this movie in the least bit? I haven’t seen a Disney animated movie in awhile I think. I know I haven’t seen Ice Age or Rio as mentioned on the poster. Are any of those good? Because this looks terrible. The trailers are very hard to sit through. And, the cast doesn’t inspire much confidence. Beyonce, Pitbull, and Steven Tyler? Good God, I will never watch this movie.

I suggest parents with small kids to begin concocting a lie that will get you out of seeing this movie and force another parent, your husband or wife, or a mousey babysitter to go see this movie instead of you having to put yourself through whatever awfulness this movie is.

FAST & FURIOUS 6

I don’t know why, but I have seen all of these movies.

The first sucked. The second was a lot worse somehow. The third was better, but stupid. The fourth was pretty unwatchable. But something happened in the fifth one. Something where the idiocy didn’t outweigh the entertainment of the action. That’s what the problem is for most bad actions movies. No matter what, we’re not getting a smart movie. We’ve already allowed ourselves to walk into a movie knowing it’s going to be stupid. The question is, how stupid? And, does that stupidity outweigh the goodness of the action? It’s not that action movies can’t be smart; there are smart action movies. But most directors are not looking to make something smart and full of good action. They’d like to think they’re making something stupid and filled with good action. In the case of “Oblivion”, you have something very stupid and it just so happens it is also filled with unenjoyable action scenes.

Fast Five is stupid, sure. The action scenes are pretty great. As far as the stupidity of the movie, you can easily add it all up afterward – but while watching the movie, the director gets you in and out of all stupidity without lingering too long and without being too far away from another great action scene. That’s the key to making a stupid action movie. Don’t spend too much time on the stupidity. Plenty of people spend too much time on the stupidity. Since you’re not focusing on being smart, use those energies on crafting great action. Problem is they don’t always do that. Anyway… I’m rambling and going in circles.

Fast & Furious 6 is directed by the same guy who did 5, 4, and 3. Yep, he’s made 4 F&F movies. And it was on #5 that he kind of nailed what he should’ve been doing all along. Judging from the trailers, it appears that 6 is going to be very similar to 5. Instead of Vin Diesel jumping a car out of a train that’s on fire, Vin Diesel jumps a car out of an airplane that’s on fire. Instead of The Rock, you have The Rock… well, that’s the same and THANK THE FUCKING GODS FOR IT! Also, we have Gina Carano – former MMA fighter, former kickboxer, a high potential to make me blush and shake uncontrollably like I was a Japanese fan in Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” music video – as The Rock’s sidekick and who gets into a fist fight with Michelle Rodriguez.

I’m seeing this.

I will add that Justin Lin – the director – has decided to NOT direct the potential next TWO F&F movies that are being planned to follow this movie’s plot’s possible cliffhanger conclusion. Since it’s a way’s away and it’s the internet and you can look it up yourself… the idea that has been heavily rumored is that Jason Statham would be a bad guy in F&F. That’s a fantastic idea and actually an idea that makes sense. The dude was The Transporter in a million movies and we buy that he knows how to drive well and also spin kick people while shirtless. Perfect fit for these movies. So… look out for him possibly being the bad guy in installments 7 and 8.

Anyway… there are still a few movies left to go, but it’s almost time to post, so I’ll save the last few movies for tomorrow.

Hey there, sugar snaps and prickly pears.

I saw a terrible movie last night. SHOCKING, right?

“OBLIVION” SUCKS

I really should have known it was going to suck by a simple key statement on the poster, which I apparently overlooked. Do you see it? I never noticed it in the trailers and I guess I never looked it up. I guess I just got so focused on seeing Tom Cruise, who I have feelings for, in the future running around in a white leather space suit and shooting a plastic looking rifle. I’ll give you a clue if you haven’t noticed it…

MOTHERFUCKING “TRON: LEGACY”

There it is! The same fucking garbage ass fucking garbage director who helmed the fucking garbage ass fucking garbage movie “Tron: Legacy” is the same dickhole who directed “Oblivion”. After seeing the movie, I’m not shocked it was directed by the same fucking moron director because both of these mentioned movies are absolutely piece of shit movies filled with meaningless CGI action scenes that are not captivating in the least bit.

Also, both movies are filled with the most WOODEN acting of all time … outside of course M. Night Shyamalan’s movies because he is the KING of directors with WOODEN acting. Tron Legacy had a terrible storyline with terrible logic with terrible acting and absolutely no pacing whatsoever and GUESS WHAT – Oblivion has the same stupid issues.

Obviously… You shouldn’t see Oblivion. That’s the beginning and end of the review if you’re wondering if you should see it. Don’t see it.

But… let’s talk a little about why it’s so bad and I’ll try to keep it clear and concise, which will  be difficult because the movie was incredibly dull from the get go and got worse as the movie continued.

Not much happens. Go watch any of the trailers online that are like 2 – 3 minutes long. That right there will sum up the ENTIRE movie up until the last 6 minutes or so. What is it that you get from the trailer? Tom and the redhead are the “clean up” crew who fix drones on this post-apocalyptic war Earth. There are still aliens on the planet that Tom gets into skirmishes with, which is why he has two guns. One day, he finds other humans who have crashed and the only one that survives is a brunette and he knows her for some reason and she knows him. Also, one day Tom is captured by the “aliens” and it turns out that they are human beings led by Morgan Freeman. And, now, Tom has a lot of questions about who is he really working for and it seems like the redhead isn’t on the same page. Right? That’s what the trailer shows…

… that’s 95% of the movie.

The remaining 5% of the movie IS UTTERLY WORTHLESS!

Take a fucking guess what Tom Cruise decides to do? Is he going to help Morgan Freeman or is he going to continue working for the people who have clearly lied to him about Morgan Freeman?

THAT’S THE FUCKING MOVIE!

Some will try to argue there is “more” than that, but is there really? The “twist” in the movie about what is “really” going on doesn’t matter. In the end, he is either going to help Morgan or not and you get that from the trailer. You get from the trailer that the brunette knows Tom from some other version of his life that doesn’t involve drone repair with the redhead, and there’s not a whole lot more than that.

It’s a 2 hour movie, which spends at least the first hour of the film doing nothing and spends the majority of the second hour explaining what you already have been told or guessed from any poster or trailer. The big “twist” in the movie could be anything and it doesn’t matter what the details are really because it simply boils down to he’s been lied to about the existence of Morgan Freeman and the brunette and he’s either going to help them or not. And what are the odds that in the final 5 minutes of the movie when they decide to reveal what’s going on via voice over and flashback that you’re going to even care anymore because you’ve known how this was going to play out from the very beginning?

Independence Day and The Matrix and WALL-E. I don’t know if the point of this movie was that they were trying to rip off these movies as an “homage” or that they didn’t care about thinking of new concepts and decided to do a half assed job in ripping them off. A lot of the plot seems like Independence Day from Will Smith’s perspective through the prism of Neo’s perspective from The Matrix with it all looking like a live action WALL-E.

There’s a fighter pilot sequence, which is eerily reminiscent of the alien/Will Smith pilot fight sequence in ID4, which have a lot of shooting no one hitting anything, shooting at rocks to make them fall on the other pilot, and ends with Tom Cruise winning in the most absurd way followed by an ejection by Tom Cruise with parachute et al.

If you think that is whatever then how about the end of the movie? It’s pretty much identical to ID4 with Tom piloting an alien ship to the alien mother base under the guise of nothing going on and he is secretly packing a nuclear weapon to blow everything up. Only diff… there’s not the plan of living the space ship and instead Tom decides to recite Horatio Alger and the aliens decide to let him blow them up and not fight him. Weird, right? The entire alien mothership spaceship looks identical to that of the one in ID4 being all triangles with triangle tunnels and blah blah blah.

As for the Matrix… well it’s more about this one guy being the one guy who has to save them by defeating the machines and a black guy with sunglasses has to convince him of the truth in order for him to get the ONE to finally face the bad guys and beat them… and the black guy’s followers are kind of unsure about all of this, but he’s sure because of faith.

As for WALL-E… just look at it. The drones are like WALL E with machine guns.

DUMB LUCK IS NOT PLOT. Unless I missed something, the story all boils down to Morgan Freeman ass backwards guessing that Tom Cruise was going to help them. But the reason why he thought that he was going to help them was because for WHATEVER REASON that particular Tom decided to have feelings.

… oh yeah, Tom is just a bunch of clones.

Apparently, Tom was a person at one time and then he went and visited the alien spaceship and was turned into a whole bunch of clones to then repair drones because this sophisticated alien couldn’t create another machine to repair the machine drones and instead created a human being clone army and made an interconnected plot of lies all to repair some drones. Why not make more drones? Who knows. Apparently, this alien can make an infinite number of Tom Cruise’s but not an infinite number of its own drones. Weird, but that’s not a plot hole or anything, right?

So, this Tom clone ends up having feelings. Why? Well, either dumb luck or that for whatever reason the Empire State building is the ONLY building to survive this alien war for Earth and it just so turns out that Tom proposed to his wife – the brunette – at the Empire State building and the aliens didn’t know that and their memory wipe of the clone can’t remove his memory entirely of that one fateful day when he proposed to his wife because he dreams about it too. Whaaaaaaaa? Yep. So, instead of just killing the clone – which would make sense from the alien’s perspective considering they have MILLIONS of clones of Tom and of the redhead and sending down a new twosome to take over where the current twosome are – the alien instead just allows Tom to go about his business, the business of obviously questioning what the fuck is going on.

Also, the aliens never suspect anything is wrong with Tom even though from the very beginning he is kind of questioning what is going on. I guess that is just a flaw in the clone process that we’re supposed to ignore. I don’t know.

Back on topic, it’s just DUMB LUCK that Tom’s wife would fall out of thin air and land in the exact zone of the Tom that is questioning everything. She doesn’t land in the zone of another Tom who isn’t questioning his duties on this planet. Whatever… I guess I’m asking for too much instead of – it just fucking happened that way.

Redhead – Well, we don’t learn much about her and her intentions outside of loving to bone Tom Cruise. That’s really the long and short of what we know about this woman. Does she remember Tom from before? Well, we can kind of assume that she might and that she just loves boning Tom so much and playing house with him so much that she’s ok with this world being a lie and humans all being dead and aliens lording over the Earth for electricity. That’s what we’re supposed to assume … I think.

At the end of the movie, it is revealed that the redhead is another member of Tom’s former space crew back when he was human as well as his wife. His wife was in space sleep and it took her 60 some odd years for her to crash land, but we just went over that… and she didn’t age a fucking day. Anyway, right before Tom is about to enter the alien space ship way back when he was human, his co-pilot is the redhead and she takes a surprise selfie with him and looks lecherously at him as to suggest that she has wanted to steal him away from his wife who is sleeping in suspended animation only 5 feet away and decided to keep to that plan even though they’re only 5 feet in the other direction from ENTERING AN ALIEN SPACESHIP.

Yep.

I guess that is what we’re supposed to assume. THIS WOMAN IS SO DERANGED… that she follows along with the alien plan because all she wants to do is play house and bang Tom in a swimming pool. That’s what we’re supposed to believe. If that’s the case then someone PLEASE send a letter to Joseph Kosinski or whatever his name is and tell him he wrote arguably the most sexist character in modern film.

AND… the movie is PG-13 and we get to see her butt. That’s probably the best part of the whole movie. The best intentional part. For whatever reason, we see her naked ass. Her character is soulless and we see her butt. And who doesn’t like butts? Everyone likes them. Honestly, Tom didn’t seem that phased by it, but who knows – that could be their post meal activity every night. I mean she is basically just a clone whore for the aliens to keep Tom pacified.

Anywhatzle!

There’s a lot more that I didn’t like.

I thought the action scenes were terrible and absolutely worthless. Terribly drawn up and ill-conceived.

The acting was the worst. I don’t know about the brunette or the redhead as actresses, but I’ve seen Tom act and Tom is a good actor, but he sucks in this movie. The brunette and the redhead don’t even talk much, but they’re void of emotion. They look like they were told to be mannequins that sometimes tear up.

In conclusion…

Joseph Kosinski is a bad director and you shouldn’t see his movies. Neither Tron or Oblivion and whichever ones he sadly gets to make in the future.

They’ve roughly estimated that this movie cost $120,000,000 to make and it made $38,000,000 it’s opening weekend. You would think that would be a failure considering it is Tom Cruise and it’s PG-13 and all of that.

Tron cost $170,000,000 and made $44,000,000 it’s opening weekend. That also would be thought of as a failure with it being PG or PG-13 or whatever and it being in 3D and it was a sequel to an already existing movie and blah blah blah. But… he got Oblivion and I’m guessing he’ll get more.

Great. Can’t wait to see what this guy comes out with next… and this time I won’t see it.

Shame on you, shame on me, and there won’t be a third.

WHADDUP, MOVIE WATCHERS! Or at the very least people who are willing to read me talk about movies that will come out that they themselves have no intention of seeing… !!!

Hi.

Tuesday’s are not the best, so I thought I would share some up-lifting completely-factual statistics… 85.3% of the people you see each day – check out your butt.

WHAT??! I would think more because it don’t cost nothin’ to check out a butt. You know what I mean! I mean seriously, y’all. Everyone’s got a butt. Everyone. And they’re all worth checking out for a least a second or two. Let’s get that percentage up to 100%. Do your part, and the world will do theirs by checking out that sweet ass of yours.

I have to go buy movie tickets to see Tom Cruise’s “Oblivion” tonight and I’m going to check out everyone’s butts on the way to and from the movie theater. Get your butts ready because they’re about to be checked out! WOOOOO!!!!

So…

Per usual, there are movies coming out in the month of May. We did it! 80 years in a row! MAY MOVIES! WOOOO!!! Congratulations to everyone for being involved.

I’ll talk about these movies in a judgmental way as I oft do. Since it is May, a few of these movies are big deal, put a lot of money in them movies – so expect that feelings may be offended.

BUTTS!!!! CHECK ‘EM OUT!!!!

IRON MAN 3

Ugh.

I didn’t like the first Iron Man, I really didn’t like the second Iron Man, and I’m aiming not to see the third one. There is a possibility I’ll see it just because we do have this free movie Tuesday deal-y through Cablevision, so I could end up at a theater gritting my teeth through it. Who knows. But, I will say right off the bat, there is just nothing to like … at least for me.

Robert Downey Jr.? Not in this movie. Not for me at least. I don’t find him endearing or charming. It’s rapid talk for the sake of rapid talk. I haven’t laughed while watching these movies. They’re so cheesy and not for the sake of making fun of cheesy, but they’re cheesy because they think that’s what I want to see. But I don’t. I’m thoroughly uninterested in the main character who hasn’t been able to defeat a single villain on his own yet. In the first movie, he was losing and Gwyneth had to hit a button on some rando machine to somehow defeat the bad guy. In the second movie, Iron Man was getting his iron ass handed to him by Mickey Rourke’s Whip-Lash and so was Don Cheadle as War Machine. So, Whip-Lash could beat up two Iron Man’s at once. To defeat Mickey, Don and Robbie had to basically Ghostbusters’ it and “cross the streams” of their palm blaster, which somehow defeated Whip-Lash… even though earlier in the movie they did that to each other in a room in Rob’s house and it not only didn’t kill either of them, but it didn’t even blow up his entire house, so… why did that defeat Whip-Lash when nothing else would?

I mentioned Gwyneth Paltrow for a split second… why do I give a fuck about what happens to her? Why does anyone? Maybe if this movie came out in 1999 then we might have some sympathy or empathy or pathy of some sort, but I hope her character dies in the first seconds of the movie, so we don’t have to see her through the rest. Go GOOP yourself, Paltrow.

Anyway, this Iron Man has Guy Pierce playing the Mickey Rourke role of a bad guy who will wear an Iron Man suit. Plus, we got Ben Kingsley. The terrifying Ben Kingsley. Nothing could possibly be scarier than a 69 year old Ben Kinglsey dressed like he’s a Afghan wizard. Great. This is purely stupid that they’re even introducing this character of the Mandarin. After two movies of robot suits vs. robot suits, now they’ll have another robot suit bad guy PLUS a bad guy who has conversed with aliens and has magical rings. Makes a ton of sense, right?

This movie is purely for you to spend money on another terrible blockbuster. I hate it.

AROUSED

A documentary about porn? Wonderful.

I’ve watched several documentaries about porn and they’re usually great. First thing first, documentaries are usually sad. Iraq is fucked, the O-zone is fucked, water is fucked, food is fucked, and so on. Porn documentaries with pornstars in it is just a jaunty fun look at sex and nudity and usually a grand ole time.

If anything, you can tell people you watched an interesting documentary to sound like you did something smart and then when the person asks what about then you can change the subject to something else smart you did.

KEANU REEVES

Fuck this movie.

I don’t really want to talk about this movie, but I do want to mention that Keanu Reeves is making movies all the time. I think people forget about Keanu, but the dude is coming out with at least 4 movies over the next year or so so get your ass ready. KEANU! You might end up seeing one or two of them. He’s actually making his directing debut in an action movie that looks like pretty standard martial arts stuff.

Just saying… KEANU.

Do you think he threeways those two chicks? I do.

GREETINGS FROM TIM BUCKLEY

This movie didn’t have a poster and most likely will not come out around you, but it does have…

POOTS!!! IMOGEN POOTS!!!!

I really can’t say I remember much of her as an actress. I did know she was a blonde. Well, I thought she was a blonde. In my head, I pictured a blonde. I wasn’t 100% sure if I was right about that, but… POOTS… actually…

POOTS!!!! POOOOOOOTTSSSS!!!! POOTS!!

I love her name though. I wouldn’t want to talk to her as much as just yell her name at her and everyone else in the world in their face. IMOGEN POOTS. If you say her name a million times then you’ll be happy for a million seconds.

The movie? I don’t even know. It’s some British thing I’m guessing.

POOOOOOOOTS!! IMOGEN POOTS!

THE ICEMAN

I wish this was about former UFC light heavyweight champion Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell or at least the X-Men character Iceman, but it’s not. It is about Richard Kuklinski who is/was one of the most famous mob hitmen of the 20th century. We know this because HBO did a two part sit down with Rich about all the murders he committed as he sat on death row. He’s dead now. He died in prison at 70 from natural causes. Anyway, this movie is supposed to be the narrative re-enactment of his life as the hitman before he got nabbed.

The movie looks terrible. Or at least the trailer is terrible. It looks like a TV movie and not a movie movie. It’s sad because the HBO sit downs are incredible and theoretically there could be a great movie made about all of this, but it doesn’t seem like this is that movie. It looks cheap and the acting looks like a drama class.

I’m skipping this. I do highly recommend watching those HBO docs though.

AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR

Probably won’t come out near anyone, but I’m just mentioning it because it sounds like an interesting movie that I probably don’t want to see.

Bruce Greenwood plays a former CEO who goes nuts from being an advertising genius and now he can only communicate through advertising slogans. Quirky? You bet your fucking ass it’s quirky. It’s so quirky… how quirky is it?! It’s SOOOOO quirky that Parker Posey is the love interest! THAT’S SO QUIRKY!!!!!

I do like Bruce Greenwood and have enjoyed seeing him play the exact same role in “Flight” and “The Place Beyond the Pines” and this movie sounds “interesting” and it had to be a creative writing process, but I don’t think I would actually sit through this movie. Especially since the gimmick of him talking in slogans is the only thing that seems not paint by numbers about this movie. The rest of it seems like it is pretty plug and play.

THE GREAT GATSBY

Ugh… but I’ll see it.

I’m not expecting this to be good. The cast is good and even good for these parts, but nothing about this movie looks particularly good. Baz is making this an over-the-top glam session as he usually does and it being shot in 3D and having Jay-Z and Kanye in the commercial. All of that is bad. On top of that, it was supposed to come out at the end of the year when the other Oscar movies come out, but they pushed it back to the Summer, so it could battle Iron Man 3. Not a good sign. Not a good sign at all.

The book? Great book. A book that could warrant a great movie. A great movie not directed by a style over substance director like Baz Luhrman. But what do I know? Could be great, right? Uhhh… no one is buying that.

Sidenote: I’m not sold on Carey Mulligan and/or Joel Edgerton. I think Carey did her best work in “Shame” and she was quite good in it, but I think over the women could have played that role just fine. She did play it exactly how it should be played, so I don’t want to sound like I didn’t like her in it. As for the rest of the stuff I’ve seen her in – I’m not all that blown away. At the same time, I do recognize women get the short end of the stick as far as roles go. With Edgerton? I didn’t like “Warrior” and I didn’t like “Zero Dark Thirty”. He wasn’t the reason I didn’t like those movies, but so far I haven’t seen him in … ehhhh… well I just looked him up on IMDB and I see he’s been nominated for a bunch of awards and won some for movies I haven’t seen. I don’t really remember “Ned Kelly” that well, so right now my favorite Joel Edgerton role was him as the idiot Hugo in “Smokin’ Aces”. Guess I’ve got to see “Animal Kingdom”, “Waiting City”, and possibly rewatch “Ned Kelly”.

Anyhoozle…

Who are the chicks bookending everyone in the poster?

PEEPLES

I love that dog. Craig Robinson is funny, David Alan Grier is still funny, and Kerry Washington is gorgeous. But… it is produced by Tyler Perry. Not written or directed by him, but it’s produced by him. I won’t see this in theaters probably, but I would watch it on TV.

I posted that poster almost entirely because of the dog and it helps with the storyline a little bit – obviously there’s a perfect family and Craig is a goof and he’s trying to get into that family so he can keep getting into Kerry Washington… AM I RIGHT?!

But… there is this poster for it as well that is fantastic…

I may even Netflix this movie.

STORIES WE TELL

Sarah fucking Polley.

Who would’ve guessed when I watched “Go” one billion times that the blonde who gets hit by a Miata driven by Scott Wolf and Jay Mohr would become a serious filmmaker. I will admit that I hadn’t seen “The Sweet Hereafter” until I was in college several years later, so I didn’t know that she had a movie that good already in her arsenal. Either way, she acted in that, but later went on to direct “Away From Her” which is great.

So, this is a documentary that is directed by Sarah Polley and is about Sarah Polley/Sarah Polley’s Mom/Sarah Polley’s unknown biological father. It is a series of interviews about Sarah Polley’s mom who passed away and that Sarah’s biological father was unknown and could have been one of the actors who her mother worked with and was friends with. It’s obviously intimate and interesting and I’m betting it is very good.

I doubt this will be in theaters because not many docs are, but I bet this would be a great rental on one of the many rental agencies on the interwebz.

And lastly for today…

STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS

Who gives a fuck?

Fuck this movie up its Benedict Cumberbatch.

I saw the first Star Trek by Abrams and while it wasn’t “bad”, it was far from “good”. It was completely soulless and I didn’t even watch Star Trek on TV. I’ve seen most if not all of the Star Trek movies though. The reason why they stopped making Star Trek movies with Patrick Stewart’s bunch was because no one cared to see them in a run-of-the-mill action movie. Now, they have Chris Pine’s bunch in a run-of-the-mill action movie instead. Great, right?

The first Star Trek was a way too long re-introduction of characters so that when you hear someone on screen say “Spock” and Zachary Quinto shows up you’re not all “What the fuck? Where’s Leonard Nimoy?!” That was the premise of that movie and Eric Bana as the bad guy was a complete after thought.

So now that we know the characters and the actors – I guess – now we get to see them in… EXPLOSIONS! SLOW-MO! BREEZY SETTINGS!

Honestly, I don’t care about this movie and it doesn’t offend me as much as I’m letting on, except that the bad guy does. Benedict Cumberbatch looks like Benedict Cumberbatch. That’s it. What type of fucking villain is that? A white dude. That’s the villain? A white dude who spins in circles wearing a black coat and looks like he’s shitting his pants? GREAT FUCKING VILLAIN, ABRAMS!

It’s STAR TREK! There are aliens and mutants and robots and cyborgs and blah blah blah all at your disposal. And the villain you come up with is … a guy. WOW. Good stuff. Glad we went through the trouble of rebooting this franchise so that we could see a group of nobodies answering to names other people made famous 50 years ago all so they could fight a white guy. Outstanding. Out-fucking-standing. He’s a VISIONARY!

I can’t wait to see what white guy there is to fight in the next Star Wars. Don’t hold back or anything with your creative juices. Maybe there could be TWO white guys. Two completely unchanged by make-up or CGI white guys just wearing pants and shirts and jackets. Sweet.

Fuck this movie.

And, that wraps-up the first half of May.

Stay tuned for the second half tomorrow.

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