The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones are the ruined orgasms of television

April 1, 2013

Whaddup.

I’ve been sick for almost a week now. It sucks donkeyballs. I need to get healthy really soon for not only my sanity, but because I plan on getting drunk this weekend. Like really drunk. Or at least I plan to drink a lot. I don’t like drinking when I’m sick, so I need to get healthy, so I can then fill my body with poison.

While all of that is well and good, I’m sure you’re wondering what “ruined orgasm” means. It’s basically what it sounds like – ruining your orgasm. Anyway, the internet is filled with many interesting things and about 75% of those things are porn related.

There’s a sub-genre of porn where a chick gives a guy a handjob – which as is isn’t the most exciting thing on the planet, unless they’re dressed up as Scooby Doo characters or something – and when the guy reaches his fateful climax THE GIRL SQUEEZES HIS JUNK SO HARD THAT THE CUM DOESN’T CUM OUT or only a little bit does AND SHE KEEPS SQUEEZING UNTIL HIS PENIS GIVES UP AND DIES or falls back to a flaccid state.

I don’t know how you feel about that, but I think that’s justifiable grounds for MURDER! BITCH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST GOT A TISSUE OR A SOCK OR SOMETHING? I understand that these men are requesting for this to be done and those men should then be taken outside and thrown into the ocean while encased in concrete

Back to the point at hand, the internet is fucked up and “The Walking Dead” and “Game of Thrones” are more or less ruined orgasms.

THE WALKING DEAD

There’s a lot of exciting elements to the show. Zombies (jerk jerk jerk jerk), guns (jerk jerk jerk jerk), post apocalyptic society (jerk jerk jerk jerk), a cold blooded kid wearing a sheriff’s hat icing strangers with a silenced semi-auto (jerk jerk jerk jerk), sexy black chick slicing zombie’s heads off with a samurai sword (jerk jerk jerk jerk), bad guy with a southern accent and an eye patch killing fools and sometimes keeping the heads of those fools in an aquarium to look at while drinking whiskey late at night while brushing his zombie daughter’s hair after he got his nob polished by some ditsy blonde who is technically one of his enemy’s people (jerk jerk jerk jerk)… and so on.

THE SQUEEZE on the orgasm is this little thing called EVERYTHING ELSE!

Last night’s season finale was lame. They’d been selling a war between the people of Woodbury and the Prison people all season and when it shows up at our doorstep to cum all over our television SQUEEZE!!!! and it turns out that the Woodbury people don’t fight the prison people and instead walk around the tunnels of the prison for no reason and get spooked by a smoke grenade and run off screaming and crying. 30 some odd people with guns getting scared off by one smoke grenade and by two people with guns who are shooting wildly and can’t hit the broad side of a barn. Really?

Then the baddies all run away. Instead of having to figure out what to do with everyone, the Governor kills them all which certainly cleans up a mess for the writers of this show. They can’t write stories for 10 people, so they damn sure can’t write stories for another 30 or 40 or who knows. Then for some reason, the Governor’s two right hand bros don’t shoot him and decide to ride along with him into the abyss of these writers solving nothing. Remember when the Governor did all that whistling that one episode and it seemed like it would mean something? Guess not. Or am I supposed to wait until next season with baited breath to find out what the whistle means? I’m going to tell you right now, I couldn’t give a fuck because it’s so fucking stupid. With “Lost” at least we were trying to find out what a terrifying smoke monster was that seemed to be an integral part of the show – this is a whistle.

What else happened? Oh yeah, Andrea died. SQUEEZE!!!! She didn’t even die in a gruesome way or in some really tragic way. Plus we didn’t see any of it in anyway. We didn’t see her fight off zombie Milton and we didn’t see her blow her brains out. Not that anyone cares. She was supposed to blow her brains out or die in the medical fire like a 100 episodes ago, but the writers thought we gave a crap about the whiny blonde who is fucking the one bad guy and then is fucking the other bad guy. Why do I care or why should I care about a suicidal, know-it-all, who can’t keep her legs shut when the enemy is around, and is utter useless to everyone else. Does anyone remember that she almost killed Daryl? Fuck that bitch. I’m glad she’s dead, but they didn’t even make that a satisfying experience.

Rick was a badass for a few episodes way back when. He’s reverted to being the doe eyed leader that we originally knew at the farm and a lot of people stopped liking. At the end of the episode, Rick has taken on the sick and the useless aka babies and the elderly. Apparently, the prison is being converted into an old folks home and a daycare unit. Sounds promising, right? SQUEEZE!!!

Tyrese aka “Cutty” from “The Wire” seems to be sticking around. That’s cool. So far his character has been worthless, but hey they’ll probably turn that around, right?

Last but not least, they showed these incompetent messes at the prison killing some zombies who seem to mill around the prison’s fence. They kill them safely on the other side of the fence with a crowbar or a sharp metal pole or something. WHY DOESN’T THIS HAPPEN ALL DAY EVERYDAY!!!!?!?!??!?!?!!?!!! They always show shots of the prison with a few zombies lurking around and even though there is a 100% safe way to kill those zombies by staying on the side of the fence the zombies are not on – they rarely ever do it. They should do it everyday like it’s gardening and they’re pulling out the weeds or mowing the lawn. Maybe at some point they’ll have killed so many zombies that there aren’t any zombies left in the area? Right? There’s only a finite number of those suckers at any given point.

Glad the season is over. Next season will most likely be worse.

GAME OF THRONES

Everything about this episode was SQUEEZE!!!! except for the scene between Tyrion and Tywin. Two of the best cast people on the show and they’re having an interesting interaction which will sew the seeds even more for things that happen later. ISN’T THAT AMAZING!!?!?!?!?!

The episode was pretty bland overall and I guess the big part of the show was Selmy Barristan unveiling himself to Dany at the docks after saving her from some green CGI thing.

The problem was that if you read the books then that was a lame scene and if you didn’t read the books then you probably couldn’t have given any less of a fuck.

In the books, they make Selmy out to be a knight God. The show barely mentioned the man and he disappeared about the same time you may or may not have learned his name. In the books, they mention the man and the things he’s done and they keep mentioning that he’s out there and no one knows what he’s doing or where he’ll end up. He’s a missing piece of the puzzle in the books and when he shows up it’s like – shit got real. In the show, if you remembered Selmy was even a character then bully for you. If you had thought to yourself, I wonder what happened to that old knight that they showed once who quit and was never heard of again – then you are like a psychic/medium or something.

So, Selmy shows up. If you read the books, you’d know that Selmy doesn’t just show, but he poses as a stranger for awhile and Jorah has his suspicions of him for awhile realizing that he’s a lot more capable than he lets on. Also, when Selmy shows up he’s with ANOTHER FUCKING PERSON who was completely cut out of the show. In the books, it’s “Whitebeard” aka Selmy and an enormous jolly fat man who is a violent fighter named Strong Belwas. Well, too bad for Belwas.

The stuff with Davos I think goes over the head of the TV show watchers because they never really did a good job explaining his character.

The King Beyond the Wall stuff was meh. They showed a giant which was ok, but that certainly wasn’t orgasmic. Mance wasn’t as whimsical and hard to peg as in the books. In the books, he has a loot and he’s surrounded by women and he’s a lot more interesting.

No mention of Arya.

Sansa’s mention was brief. Whoever is of the appropriate age for the actress Sophie Turner in real life better lock that up right now. Stop reading Game of Thrones books and lock that up. In the premier pictures, she’s like a redhead Uma Thurman. LOCK IT UP!

No mention of Bran or Theon or other stuff.

A quick uninformative scene with Robb. There are so many things going on in the show that they’re going to need to change quite dramatically for it to meet with the books. Key example: Roose Bolton. If you watch the show and know who Roose Bolton is then you’re a fucking GENIUS. In the books, Roose Bolton is a big fucking deal. In the show, Roose Bolton is a background character who is balding. I don’t know how they’re going to change that, but they’ve removed several aspects of him already. And Roose’s bastard son is also a big fucking deal and he’s yet to show up. Not sure how they’re going to do that, but at some point I imagine they will have to.

It’s just weird to me sometimes seeing what they choose to emphasize and what they choose to get rid of. There are completely made up sequences in the show that one would think could be better used to show scenes that happen in the book, but who knows. Some of my favorite parts of the books were of Roose Bolton and Arya. Some of the more memorable scenes are of Ramsay (Roose’s bastard) and Theon. I don’t know if they can do those scenes nor do I think they will. Who knows though. Who knows!

Episode 1 was underwhelming. Hopefully, it gets better. I’m glad it is back, but it was underwhelming last night.

SQUEEZE!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the flip side, I’ve started watching “Enlightened” – the HBO show with Laura Dern that was recently cancelled – and it’s good. It’s an interesting show filled with sadness and happiness and silliness and seriousness. Good stuff so far.

How was your weekend?!

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