Happy Belated Birthday, Kristen Stewart!!!!!!! Here is your fucking face.

April 10, 2013

Hay-lo everyone!

I hope you’re having the absolute sexiest day. Like the SEXIEST DAY!

Like it’s been Luther Vandross’ discography X an average issue of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition X that scene of Diane Lane getting fucked against a banister in “Unfaithful” X what I would imagine a highlight reel of the movie “Magic Mike” set to the Ying Yang Twins’ “Whisper Song”… THAT’S FUCKING SEXY!!!!

I did miss posting yesterday and yesterday was Kristen Stewart’s birthday, which I’m thoroughly sorry about that Kristen.

I spent this morning 2 hours flogging myself in the backyard as punishment. I spent the following 2 hours flogging myself just ’cause I was getting good at it. Practice makes perfect.

Kristen Stewart turned 23 years old and the only present I can offer her and to all of you is her fucking face…

KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT.

That is literally her fucking face meaning that’s the face she makes when fucking and it’s her fucking face.

So, I hope everyone enjoyed that.

I know that I will as I have a 13 hours to kill before I got to sleep tonight and I’m planning on watching these magnificent 4.5 seconds for that entire fucking time. It’s exhausting work, but it’s enriching to my soul… boner. My soul’s boner.

Sorry to get religious on you there at the end.

Either way…

I love you.

You being Kristen Stewart’s fucking face.

Also, every you that’s eyes see this text – I love you.

And where ever you are, God Shamgod.

Happy birthday, Kristen Stewart. You want IT.

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3 Responses to “Happy Belated Birthday, Kristen Stewart!!!!!!! Here is your fucking face.”

  1. PWG said

    I’m sitting here debating the relative merits of a job that makes you publicize your sex face. On the one hand, I’m pretty glad I don’t have to do that. But I don’t have craft service. Is craft service enough of a bonus that I wouldn’t mind giggling cameramen hovering around while some production assistant spritzes water/”glow” on me in between O-face takes?

    Probably, yes. Plus it would be someone else’s job to pluck my eyebrows. Okay, I’m in.

    I am not having the sexiest day, by the way. But I appreciate the thought.

  2. tiffanized said

    Literally the only time I ever think about Kristen Stewart anymore is if I’m typing the URL to this blog in my browser.

    I try to do the reverse cowgirl or casually maneuver my head under a pillow during sex because I guarantee my fucking face isn’t like that. I haven’t seen it in action, but I think it probably looks like my confused face. Or my pooping face. Probably why I’m not in the picture shows.

  3. Collette said

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    this post is written by way of him as no one else understand such exact
    approximately my difficulty. You’re amazing! Thank you!

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