RYAN GOSLING has tattoos, BRADLEY COOPER has a windbreaker, EVA MENDES has nips, PLUS the biggest DOUCHEBAG in movie history

April 17, 2013

Hello to all my kit kats and peanut butter cups…

The above title is, of course, in reference to arguably the only good movie to come out this year…


Finally, I saw a second movie this year. FINALLY!

Up until last night, I had seen one movie this year and it was “Warm Bodies” and “Warm Bodies” was an insult to all of humanity. I was hoping for an enjoyable rom-com with zombies in it, but instead – insult to all humanity. But thank God, “The Place Beyond the Pines” decided to move beyond limited release and found itself at the movie theater within walking distance, which also doubles as a free movie Tuesday theater because of Cablevisions delightful deal with Clearview Cinemas. I haven’t gotten the chance to really use those free tickets because I wasn’t going to force myself to watch any and all of the utter crap that has come out. But… like I said, TPBTP showed up and we saw it.

What is this movie about? (fairly spoiler free, I think)

The trailers suggest that it’s about this: a tattooed, bleach blonde, dirt bag Ryan Gosling tooling around on a motocross bike and occasionally commits crimes on said bike. While that is in the movie, it’s only a 1/3rd of the movie.

The film itself is split into 3rds with Gosling’s first, Bradley Cooper’s second, and an oddly homoerotic tale between their sons. But before we get to that, let’s think about making babies.

Yes, making babies! Otherwise known as rootin’ tootin’ booty scootin’. If a shirtless and tattooed Ryan Gosling was going to procreate, he would need a female to do it with – that’s science. Learn something new everyday. Now, this female would need to be fertile and, if we were playing word association, what would be your first response when you hear about a fertile woman?

Nipple pokies from Eva Mendes, right?! We’re so fucking in sync, we’re like N*Sync!

Apparently, the Goose and Nips over here got down in pound town and created a little nugget of genetic offspring…

Since, Gosling has no discernible talents outside of being fearless and kickass on his motorcycle – he turns to robbing banks to support his son.

With the seriousness of the trailer mixed with the director being Derek Cianfrance who directed the cry-a-thon “Blue Valentine”, one can take a wild that this bank robbing business doesn’t work out for the best and alerts some of the authorities, which is where…

The Coop Monster shows up.

From when Bradley Cooper enters the movie, you’ll know that the second third of the movie has begun.

Act II is about Cooper being a cop and him having a son with his wife Rose Byrne and how him and his dad don’t get along and so on and so forth.

While, Coop is sporting the blues in the above picture, he actually spends the majority of his storyline in this…

A fabulous windbreaker.

Whomever the costume designer was for this movie, they did an incredible job. Not award worthy or anything, but they put Gosling in a Metallica t-shirt, Eva in the nippliest tanktop ever, and Cooper in this windbreaker. Well done.

After a little while of following around Cooper and his turmoil within the police department, we skip 15 years into the future to meet…

These two fuck nuts… literally.

These are Gosling’s son and Cooper’s son.

With Gosling’s son, you can see the obvious motif of the bike and the disheveledness and he’s an outcast, loner at his high school.

With Cooper’s son, apparently in between scenes Cooper must’ve had the thickest New York accent, dressed like a guido douche, and had brain damage. Or maybe it’s Rose Byrne’s fault, but one of them was quite the influence because Cooper’s son, A.J., is a fucking moron and so ridiculously over-the-top that he would make an acting teacher clench its butthole with every line delivery. And yes, acting teachers are hermaphrodites.

These two carry the final third of the movie as they unwittingly become fast friends with no idea the other is the son of the other and end up getting into their own trouble.

That’s the movie in a nutshell without getting into any real spoilers…

… what did I think of the movie? (some spoilers ahead)

B –

The first third of the movie with Gosling as the lead is by far the strongest. I don’t think any reviewer or movie goer would say otherwise. It’s a million times more compelling than the other two acts of the movie. And with that, the second act is a billion times more compelling than the third act. And there in lies the real issue with the movie, it actually gets worse as the movie goes on, which is not a formula one would want.

If anything, you would want the reverse. A movie to get better as it goes. Eventually, this means that the ending is worse than the beginning and it leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth as you leave the theater.

The director Derek Cianfrance is definitely talented. He makes intimate movies that look great. This movie is an indie style movie, but feels like a professional film. It feels well crafted and well designed and has ambition. It’s not some tiny little movie. But it’s a personal story concerning these three acts with not a tremendous amount of dialogue, so it is definitely an arthouse movie.

The first third of the movie is quite good. Gosling’s story arc is the most interesting without a doubt. A carnival motorcyclist who knocks up a woman and decides to try and provide for the kid even though he has no real way to do that, so he begins robbing banks with the help of a stranger he befriends. All of that produces some great scenes and great tension with all the motorcycle stunts.

The second third of the movie is ok, but it is passionless compared to the first act. There are only two real scenes of tense-action and one of those scenes is the first scene with Cooper, so the rest of his arc only has one scene of really tension. Even then, that scene doesn’t make up for the lack of action that happens in this arc compared to the first arc. It’s really just a let down as far as the mood of the movie. The movie slows down after the first third, which naturally is not conducive to a good movie going experience.

In general, you’re not as attached to Cooper’s character as you are Gosling’s. It feels like you don’t know him and you don’t know why his problems are such big problems until after the fact. You don’t learn enough about him ahead of his emotional moments to really understand him while you’re going through those emotional scenes. You’re kind of on the outside thinking, what’s with this guy? And then a scene later, they give you a hint as to why the last scene was like that, but then it’s kind of too little too late for the movie watcher because now you’re onto the next scene and the next mild confusion.

Once you get the full scope of Cooper’s character… ZIP! You jump 15 years into the future and now you are with his douchebag kid and Gosling’s weirdo kid.

For Dane DeHaan – this kid – the big problems I have with his character is that I’ve seen the movie “Chronicle”. I’m not sure if I would have as many issues if I hadn’t seen that movie, but the character of Jason from this movie and the character Dane plays in last year’s Chronicle, Andrew, are crazy similar.

They’re both this social outcast who almost by accident makes friends with a popular kid(s) and this leads to them having an awkward relationship, which comes to a head at a high school house party that looks like a rap music video. In both movies, he ends up getting fucked up at the party and meeting a cute chick who wants to bang him and the two go upstairs and he has an emotional breakdown right when he’s about to get laid and this breakdown is the beginning of the end for him. From there both characters turn to anger and eventually commit crimes. I’m not sure what it says about this kid, but in two movies he’s been the son of a degenerate father and while in high school he befriends someone, which leads them down a rabbit hole of bad decisions and hate that they never recover from.

As for the other kid…

Holy overacting douchebag, Batman!

If Mark Wahlberg was 20 years younger than his acting from “Fear” still wouldn’t be able to hold a candle to what Emory Cohen accomplished in this movie.

I don’t know who this kid is or if he sounds like this normally, but he’s got the thickest most unintellectual sounding New York accent in this movie, a silver chain on top of his chest hair, and a wife beater. That’s this kid in the movie. I don’t know how that kid came out of Rose and Bradley’s spilled DNA, but apparently we’re supposed to believe that.

So, I didn’t like the one kid and I hated this kid, which means the final third of the movie was a burden to get through. I mean the kid was a total tool and in some part he was very entertaining because of that, but I’m guessing that’s not what the movie was completely going for. It was legitimately as if “The Situation” was revealed as Bradley Cooper’s son. The kid freestyle raps. HE FREESTYLE RAPS!

He’s also a lunatic drug fiend. And, somehow, Gosling’s kid has no friends at school, but all the drug connects outside of it. There’s also a scene where Gosling’s kid steals prescription drugs from a pharmacy. It’s an homage to his father’s stealing and I get that, but it came completely out of the blue. Did this kid do this before? They only slightly mention that he’s had problems with the law, but what problems? He’s a dork who is eating alone in the cafeteria when we first meet him and he’s almost too shy to talk and this kid has police problems?

And despite his anti-social nature seemingly because of a genetic disposition, his family life at home is 100% normal and they go to church and all of that. I find it hard to believe he’s such a rough kid. Not to say church, eating dinner with the family that raised you, and so forth won’t produce bad kids, but we don’t see it. We just see this kid, his family is together, he has a little sister, he knew his grandmother… and oh yeah he’s friends with drug dealers who own guns and he likes to steal prescription medication from pharmacies. It’s a little much.

On the other hand, we see that A.J. is a product of a screwed up household. We know that Cooper isn’t a good dad and that A.J. is being raised by his mom and apparently that did not work. We don’t know why he sounds the way he does or dresses the way he does, but we get that his parents are screwed behind-the-scenes and living a lie in front of the camera. Kind of stereotypical stuff, but whatever – at least it’s something.

Either way…

The final third is hard to get into with these two nutjobs as your leads and you really don’t care what happens to them. The movie has a vague ending and you’re kind of happy that they finally finished it because it means you don’t have to deal with these kids trying to act anymore.

All in all, I think the movie was flawed but good. The third act isn’t great, but it shows promise and could have been better. I liked the scope of the movie as far as what it’s trying to accomplish. Two stories of two men who changed each others lives who have sons and those sons change each others lives.

The major problem with the movie is that the first third of the movie feels like a movie in itself that I would’ve gone to see and the other 2/3’s of the movie feel like it’s that movie’s sequel.

As far as good movies go, it’s the first I’ve seen or know about from this year and we’re 4 months deep. So, go see it if you’re feeling lacking in the good movie department – it will be serviceable at worst and you never know you may like it more than I did.


One Response to “RYAN GOSLING has tattoos, BRADLEY COOPER has a windbreaker, EVA MENDES has nips, PLUS the biggest DOUCHEBAG in movie history”

  1. From the IMDb trivia page:

    According to director Derek Cianfrance, he met with Ryan Gosling at his agent’s home in 2007 while working on Blue Valentine. He asked Ryan Gosling (paraphrased), “You’ve done so much already, what is there in life you haven’t done that you want to do?” Ryan Gosling responded that he has always wanted to rob a bank. “What has kept you from robbing a bank?” Being arrested. “And how would you go about robbing a bank?” Ryan Gosling described robbing a bank on a motorcycle because it is fast and agile, and the helmet would conceal his identity, then stashing the motorcycle in the back of a truck because the police would be looking for the motorcycle. Derek Cianfrance responded that he was actually writing a screenplay about a bank robber in exactly that way, and he felt that Ryan Gosling was meant to play this role.

    1. Ryan Gosling is probably legitimately crazy and dangerous.
    2. Derek Cianfrance is not smooth with his “OH NO WAY I was writing exactly that TOTALLY WEIRD RIGHT” move and probably owes Ryan Gosling writing credit.

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