MAY MOVIES PREVIEWS – May Be Terrible, May Be Not Completely Terrible – PART I

April 23, 2013

WHADDUP, MOVIE WATCHERS! Or at the very least people who are willing to read me talk about movies that will come out that they themselves have no intention of seeing… !!!

Hi.

Tuesday’s are not the best, so I thought I would share some up-lifting completely-factual statistics… 85.3% of the people you see each day – check out your butt.

WHAT??! I would think more because it don’t cost nothin’ to check out a butt. You know what I mean! I mean seriously, y’all. Everyone’s got a butt. Everyone. And they’re all worth checking out for a least a second or two. Let’s get that percentage up to 100%. Do your part, and the world will do theirs by checking out that sweet ass of yours.

I have to go buy movie tickets to see Tom Cruise’s “Oblivion” tonight and I’m going to check out everyone’s butts on the way to and from the movie theater. Get your butts ready because they’re about to be checked out! WOOOOO!!!!

So…

Per usual, there are movies coming out in the month of May. We did it! 80 years in a row! MAY MOVIES! WOOOO!!! Congratulations to everyone for being involved.

I’ll talk about these movies in a judgmental way as I oft do. Since it is May, a few of these movies are big deal, put a lot of money in them movies – so expect that feelings may be offended.

BUTTS!!!! CHECK ‘EM OUT!!!!

IRON MAN 3

Ugh.

I didn’t like the first Iron Man, I really didn’t like the second Iron Man, and I’m aiming not to see the third one. There is a possibility I’ll see it just because we do have this free movie Tuesday deal-y through Cablevision, so I could end up at a theater gritting my teeth through it. Who knows. But, I will say right off the bat, there is just nothing to like … at least for me.

Robert Downey Jr.? Not in this movie. Not for me at least. I don’t find him endearing or charming. It’s rapid talk for the sake of rapid talk. I haven’t laughed while watching these movies. They’re so cheesy and not for the sake of making fun of cheesy, but they’re cheesy because they think that’s what I want to see. But I don’t. I’m thoroughly uninterested in the main character who hasn’t been able to defeat a single villain on his own yet. In the first movie, he was losing and Gwyneth had to hit a button on some rando machine to somehow defeat the bad guy. In the second movie, Iron Man was getting his iron ass handed to him by Mickey Rourke’s Whip-Lash and so was Don Cheadle as War Machine. So, Whip-Lash could beat up two Iron Man’s at once. To defeat Mickey, Don and Robbie had to basically Ghostbusters’ it and “cross the streams” of their palm blaster, which somehow defeated Whip-Lash… even though earlier in the movie they did that to each other in a room in Rob’s house and it not only didn’t kill either of them, but it didn’t even blow up his entire house, so… why did that defeat Whip-Lash when nothing else would?

I mentioned Gwyneth Paltrow for a split second… why do I give a fuck about what happens to her? Why does anyone? Maybe if this movie came out in 1999 then we might have some sympathy or empathy or pathy of some sort, but I hope her character dies in the first seconds of the movie, so we don’t have to see her through the rest. Go GOOP yourself, Paltrow.

Anyway, this Iron Man has Guy Pierce playing the Mickey Rourke role of a bad guy who will wear an Iron Man suit. Plus, we got Ben Kingsley. The terrifying Ben Kingsley. Nothing could possibly be scarier than a 69 year old Ben Kinglsey dressed like he’s a Afghan wizard. Great. This is purely stupid that they’re even introducing this character of the Mandarin. After two movies of robot suits vs. robot suits, now they’ll have another robot suit bad guy PLUS a bad guy who has conversed with aliens and has magical rings. Makes a ton of sense, right?

This movie is purely for you to spend money on another terrible blockbuster. I hate it.

AROUSED

A documentary about porn? Wonderful.

I’ve watched several documentaries about porn and they’re usually great. First thing first, documentaries are usually sad. Iraq is fucked, the O-zone is fucked, water is fucked, food is fucked, and so on. Porn documentaries with pornstars in it is just a jaunty fun look at sex and nudity and usually a grand ole time.

If anything, you can tell people you watched an interesting documentary to sound like you did something smart and then when the person asks what about then you can change the subject to something else smart you did.

KEANU REEVES

Fuck this movie.

I don’t really want to talk about this movie, but I do want to mention that Keanu Reeves is making movies all the time. I think people forget about Keanu, but the dude is coming out with at least 4 movies over the next year or so so get your ass ready. KEANU! You might end up seeing one or two of them. He’s actually making his directing debut in an action movie that looks like pretty standard martial arts stuff.

Just saying… KEANU.

Do you think he threeways those two chicks? I do.

GREETINGS FROM TIM BUCKLEY

This movie didn’t have a poster and most likely will not come out around you, but it does have…

POOTS!!! IMOGEN POOTS!!!!

I really can’t say I remember much of her as an actress. I did know she was a blonde. Well, I thought she was a blonde. In my head, I pictured a blonde. I wasn’t 100% sure if I was right about that, but… POOTS… actually…

POOTS!!!! POOOOOOOTTSSSS!!!! POOTS!!

I love her name though. I wouldn’t want to talk to her as much as just yell her name at her and everyone else in the world in their face. IMOGEN POOTS. If you say her name a million times then you’ll be happy for a million seconds.

The movie? I don’t even know. It’s some British thing I’m guessing.

POOOOOOOOTS!! IMOGEN POOTS!

THE ICEMAN

I wish this was about former UFC light heavyweight champion Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell or at least the X-Men character Iceman, but it’s not. It is about Richard Kuklinski who is/was one of the most famous mob hitmen of the 20th century. We know this because HBO did a two part sit down with Rich about all the murders he committed as he sat on death row. He’s dead now. He died in prison at 70 from natural causes. Anyway, this movie is supposed to be the narrative re-enactment of his life as the hitman before he got nabbed.

The movie looks terrible. Or at least the trailer is terrible. It looks like a TV movie and not a movie movie. It’s sad because the HBO sit downs are incredible and theoretically there could be a great movie made about all of this, but it doesn’t seem like this is that movie. It looks cheap and the acting looks like a drama class.

I’m skipping this. I do highly recommend watching those HBO docs though.

AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR

Probably won’t come out near anyone, but I’m just mentioning it because it sounds like an interesting movie that I probably don’t want to see.

Bruce Greenwood plays a former CEO who goes nuts from being an advertising genius and now he can only communicate through advertising slogans. Quirky? You bet your fucking ass it’s quirky. It’s so quirky… how quirky is it?! It’s SOOOOO quirky that Parker Posey is the love interest! THAT’S SO QUIRKY!!!!!

I do like Bruce Greenwood and have enjoyed seeing him play the exact same role in “Flight” and “The Place Beyond the Pines” and this movie sounds “interesting” and it had to be a creative writing process, but I don’t think I would actually sit through this movie. Especially since the gimmick of him talking in slogans is the only thing that seems not paint by numbers about this movie. The rest of it seems like it is pretty plug and play.

THE GREAT GATSBY

Ugh… but I’ll see it.

I’m not expecting this to be good. The cast is good and even good for these parts, but nothing about this movie looks particularly good. Baz is making this an over-the-top glam session as he usually does and it being shot in 3D and having Jay-Z and Kanye in the commercial. All of that is bad. On top of that, it was supposed to come out at the end of the year when the other Oscar movies come out, but they pushed it back to the Summer, so it could battle Iron Man 3. Not a good sign. Not a good sign at all.

The book? Great book. A book that could warrant a great movie. A great movie not directed by a style over substance director like Baz Luhrman. But what do I know? Could be great, right? Uhhh… no one is buying that.

Sidenote: I’m not sold on Carey Mulligan and/or Joel Edgerton. I think Carey did her best work in “Shame” and she was quite good in it, but I think over the women could have played that role just fine. She did play it exactly how it should be played, so I don’t want to sound like I didn’t like her in it. As for the rest of the stuff I’ve seen her in – I’m not all that blown away. At the same time, I do recognize women get the short end of the stick as far as roles go. With Edgerton? I didn’t like “Warrior” and I didn’t like “Zero Dark Thirty”. He wasn’t the reason I didn’t like those movies, but so far I haven’t seen him in … ehhhh… well I just looked him up on IMDB and I see he’s been nominated for a bunch of awards and won some for movies I haven’t seen. I don’t really remember “Ned Kelly” that well, so right now my favorite Joel Edgerton role was him as the idiot Hugo in “Smokin’ Aces”. Guess I’ve got to see “Animal Kingdom”, “Waiting City”, and possibly rewatch “Ned Kelly”.

Anyhoozle…

Who are the chicks bookending everyone in the poster?

PEEPLES

I love that dog. Craig Robinson is funny, David Alan Grier is still funny, and Kerry Washington is gorgeous. But… it is produced by Tyler Perry. Not written or directed by him, but it’s produced by him. I won’t see this in theaters probably, but I would watch it on TV.

I posted that poster almost entirely because of the dog and it helps with the storyline a little bit – obviously there’s a perfect family and Craig is a goof and he’s trying to get into that family so he can keep getting into Kerry Washington… AM I RIGHT?!

But… there is this poster for it as well that is fantastic…

I may even Netflix this movie.

STORIES WE TELL

Sarah fucking Polley.

Who would’ve guessed when I watched “Go” one billion times that the blonde who gets hit by a Miata driven by Scott Wolf and Jay Mohr would become a serious filmmaker. I will admit that I hadn’t seen “The Sweet Hereafter” until I was in college several years later, so I didn’t know that she had a movie that good already in her arsenal. Either way, she acted in that, but later went on to direct “Away From Her” which is great.

So, this is a documentary that is directed by Sarah Polley and is about Sarah Polley/Sarah Polley’s Mom/Sarah Polley’s unknown biological father. It is a series of interviews about Sarah Polley’s mom who passed away and that Sarah’s biological father was unknown and could have been one of the actors who her mother worked with and was friends with. It’s obviously intimate and interesting and I’m betting it is very good.

I doubt this will be in theaters because not many docs are, but I bet this would be a great rental on one of the many rental agencies on the interwebz.

And lastly for today…

STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS

Who gives a fuck?

Fuck this movie up its Benedict Cumberbatch.

I saw the first Star Trek by Abrams and while it wasn’t “bad”, it was far from “good”. It was completely soulless and I didn’t even watch Star Trek on TV. I’ve seen most if not all of the Star Trek movies though. The reason why they stopped making Star Trek movies with Patrick Stewart’s bunch was because no one cared to see them in a run-of-the-mill action movie. Now, they have Chris Pine’s bunch in a run-of-the-mill action movie instead. Great, right?

The first Star Trek was a way too long re-introduction of characters so that when you hear someone on screen say “Spock” and Zachary Quinto shows up you’re not all “What the fuck? Where’s Leonard Nimoy?!” That was the premise of that movie and Eric Bana as the bad guy was a complete after thought.

So now that we know the characters and the actors – I guess – now we get to see them in… EXPLOSIONS! SLOW-MO! BREEZY SETTINGS!

Honestly, I don’t care about this movie and it doesn’t offend me as much as I’m letting on, except that the bad guy does. Benedict Cumberbatch looks like Benedict Cumberbatch. That’s it. What type of fucking villain is that? A white dude. That’s the villain? A white dude who spins in circles wearing a black coat and looks like he’s shitting his pants? GREAT FUCKING VILLAIN, ABRAMS!

It’s STAR TREK! There are aliens and mutants and robots and cyborgs and blah blah blah all at your disposal. And the villain you come up with is … a guy. WOW. Good stuff. Glad we went through the trouble of rebooting this franchise so that we could see a group of nobodies answering to names other people made famous 50 years ago all so they could fight a white guy. Outstanding. Out-fucking-standing. He’s a VISIONARY!

I can’t wait to see what white guy there is to fight in the next Star Wars. Don’t hold back or anything with your creative juices. Maybe there could be TWO white guys. Two completely unchanged by make-up or CGI white guys just wearing pants and shirts and jackets. Sweet.

Fuck this movie.

And, that wraps-up the first half of May.

Stay tuned for the second half tomorrow.

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