April 24, 2013

Hey there, sugar snaps and prickly pears.

I saw a terrible movie last night. SHOCKING, right?


I really should have known it was going to suck by a simple key statement on the poster, which I apparently overlooked. Do you see it? I never noticed it in the trailers and I guess I never looked it up. I guess I just got so focused on seeing Tom Cruise, who I have feelings for, in the future running around in a white leather space suit and shooting a plastic looking rifle. I’ll give you a clue if you haven’t noticed it…


There it is! The same fucking garbage ass fucking garbage director who helmed the fucking garbage ass fucking garbage movie “Tron: Legacy” is the same dickhole who directed “Oblivion”. After seeing the movie, I’m not shocked it was directed by the same fucking moron director because both of these mentioned movies are absolutely piece of shit movies filled with meaningless CGI action scenes that are not captivating in the least bit.

Also, both movies are filled with the most WOODEN acting of all time … outside of course M. Night Shyamalan’s movies because he is the KING of directors with WOODEN acting. Tron Legacy had a terrible storyline with terrible logic with terrible acting and absolutely no pacing whatsoever and GUESS WHAT – Oblivion has the same stupid issues.

Obviously… You shouldn’t see Oblivion. That’s the beginning and end of the review if you’re wondering if you should see it. Don’t see it.

But… let’s talk a little about why it’s so bad and I’ll try to keep it clear and concise, which will  be difficult because the movie was incredibly dull from the get go and got worse as the movie continued.

Not much happens. Go watch any of the trailers online that are like 2 – 3 minutes long. That right there will sum up the ENTIRE movie up until the last 6 minutes or so. What is it that you get from the trailer? Tom and the redhead are the “clean up” crew who fix drones on this post-apocalyptic war Earth. There are still aliens on the planet that Tom gets into skirmishes with, which is why he has two guns. One day, he finds other humans who have crashed and the only one that survives is a brunette and he knows her for some reason and she knows him. Also, one day Tom is captured by the “aliens” and it turns out that they are human beings led by Morgan Freeman. And, now, Tom has a lot of questions about who is he really working for and it seems like the redhead isn’t on the same page. Right? That’s what the trailer shows…

… that’s 95% of the movie.

The remaining 5% of the movie IS UTTERLY WORTHLESS!

Take a fucking guess what Tom Cruise decides to do? Is he going to help Morgan Freeman or is he going to continue working for the people who have clearly lied to him about Morgan Freeman?


Some will try to argue there is “more” than that, but is there really? The “twist” in the movie about what is “really” going on doesn’t matter. In the end, he is either going to help Morgan or not and you get that from the trailer. You get from the trailer that the brunette knows Tom from some other version of his life that doesn’t involve drone repair with the redhead, and there’s not a whole lot more than that.

It’s a 2 hour movie, which spends at least the first hour of the film doing nothing and spends the majority of the second hour explaining what you already have been told or guessed from any poster or trailer. The big “twist” in the movie could be anything and it doesn’t matter what the details are really because it simply boils down to he’s been lied to about the existence of Morgan Freeman and the brunette and he’s either going to help them or not. And what are the odds that in the final 5 minutes of the movie when they decide to reveal what’s going on via voice over and flashback that you’re going to even care anymore because you’ve known how this was going to play out from the very beginning?

Independence Day and The Matrix and WALL-E. I don’t know if the point of this movie was that they were trying to rip off these movies as an “homage” or that they didn’t care about thinking of new concepts and decided to do a half assed job in ripping them off. A lot of the plot seems like Independence Day from Will Smith’s perspective through the prism of Neo’s perspective from The Matrix with it all looking like a live action WALL-E.

There’s a fighter pilot sequence, which is eerily reminiscent of the alien/Will Smith pilot fight sequence in ID4, which have a lot of shooting no one hitting anything, shooting at rocks to make them fall on the other pilot, and ends with Tom Cruise winning in the most absurd way followed by an ejection by Tom Cruise with parachute et al.

If you think that is whatever then how about the end of the movie? It’s pretty much identical to ID4 with Tom piloting an alien ship to the alien mother base under the guise of nothing going on and he is secretly packing a nuclear weapon to blow everything up. Only diff… there’s not the plan of living the space ship and instead Tom decides to recite Horatio Alger and the aliens decide to let him blow them up and not fight him. Weird, right? The entire alien mothership spaceship looks identical to that of the one in ID4 being all triangles with triangle tunnels and blah blah blah.

As for the Matrix… well it’s more about this one guy being the one guy who has to save them by defeating the machines and a black guy with sunglasses has to convince him of the truth in order for him to get the ONE to finally face the bad guys and beat them… and the black guy’s followers are kind of unsure about all of this, but he’s sure because of faith.

As for WALL-E… just look at it. The drones are like WALL E with machine guns.

DUMB LUCK IS NOT PLOT. Unless I missed something, the story all boils down to Morgan Freeman ass backwards guessing that Tom Cruise was going to help them. But the reason why he thought that he was going to help them was because for WHATEVER REASON that particular Tom decided to have feelings.

… oh yeah, Tom is just a bunch of clones.

Apparently, Tom was a person at one time and then he went and visited the alien spaceship and was turned into a whole bunch of clones to then repair drones because this sophisticated alien couldn’t create another machine to repair the machine drones and instead created a human being clone army and made an interconnected plot of lies all to repair some drones. Why not make more drones? Who knows. Apparently, this alien can make an infinite number of Tom Cruise’s but not an infinite number of its own drones. Weird, but that’s not a plot hole or anything, right?

So, this Tom clone ends up having feelings. Why? Well, either dumb luck or that for whatever reason the Empire State building is the ONLY building to survive this alien war for Earth and it just so turns out that Tom proposed to his wife – the brunette – at the Empire State building and the aliens didn’t know that and their memory wipe of the clone can’t remove his memory entirely of that one fateful day when he proposed to his wife because he dreams about it too. Whaaaaaaaa? Yep. So, instead of just killing the clone – which would make sense from the alien’s perspective considering they have MILLIONS of clones of Tom and of the redhead and sending down a new twosome to take over where the current twosome are – the alien instead just allows Tom to go about his business, the business of obviously questioning what the fuck is going on.

Also, the aliens never suspect anything is wrong with Tom even though from the very beginning he is kind of questioning what is going on. I guess that is just a flaw in the clone process that we’re supposed to ignore. I don’t know.

Back on topic, it’s just DUMB LUCK that Tom’s wife would fall out of thin air and land in the exact zone of the Tom that is questioning everything. She doesn’t land in the zone of another Tom who isn’t questioning his duties on this planet. Whatever… I guess I’m asking for too much instead of – it just fucking happened that way.

Redhead – Well, we don’t learn much about her and her intentions outside of loving to bone Tom Cruise. That’s really the long and short of what we know about this woman. Does she remember Tom from before? Well, we can kind of assume that she might and that she just loves boning Tom so much and playing house with him so much that she’s ok with this world being a lie and humans all being dead and aliens lording over the Earth for electricity. That’s what we’re supposed to assume … I think.

At the end of the movie, it is revealed that the redhead is another member of Tom’s former space crew back when he was human as well as his wife. His wife was in space sleep and it took her 60 some odd years for her to crash land, but we just went over that… and she didn’t age a fucking day. Anyway, right before Tom is about to enter the alien space ship way back when he was human, his co-pilot is the redhead and she takes a surprise selfie with him and looks lecherously at him as to suggest that she has wanted to steal him away from his wife who is sleeping in suspended animation only 5 feet away and decided to keep to that plan even though they’re only 5 feet in the other direction from ENTERING AN ALIEN SPACESHIP.


I guess that is what we’re supposed to assume. THIS WOMAN IS SO DERANGED… that she follows along with the alien plan because all she wants to do is play house and bang Tom in a swimming pool. That’s what we’re supposed to believe. If that’s the case then someone PLEASE send a letter to Joseph Kosinski or whatever his name is and tell him he wrote arguably the most sexist character in modern film.

AND… the movie is PG-13 and we get to see her butt. That’s probably the best part of the whole movie. The best intentional part. For whatever reason, we see her naked ass. Her character is soulless and we see her butt. And who doesn’t like butts? Everyone likes them. Honestly, Tom didn’t seem that phased by it, but who knows – that could be their post meal activity every night. I mean she is basically just a clone whore for the aliens to keep Tom pacified.


There’s a lot more that I didn’t like.

I thought the action scenes were terrible and absolutely worthless. Terribly drawn up and ill-conceived.

The acting was the worst. I don’t know about the brunette or the redhead as actresses, but I’ve seen Tom act and Tom is a good actor, but he sucks in this movie. The brunette and the redhead don’t even talk much, but they’re void of emotion. They look like they were told to be mannequins that sometimes tear up.

In conclusion…

Joseph Kosinski is a bad director and you shouldn’t see his movies. Neither Tron or Oblivion and whichever ones he sadly gets to make in the future.

They’ve roughly estimated that this movie cost $120,000,000 to make and it made $38,000,000 it’s opening weekend. You would think that would be a failure considering it is Tom Cruise and it’s PG-13 and all of that.

Tron cost $170,000,000 and made $44,000,000 it’s opening weekend. That also would be thought of as a failure with it being PG or PG-13 or whatever and it being in 3D and it was a sequel to an already existing movie and blah blah blah. But… he got Oblivion and I’m guessing he’ll get more.

Great. Can’t wait to see what this guy comes out with next… and this time I won’t see it.

Shame on you, shame on me, and there won’t be a third.

3 Responses to ““OBLIVION” SUCKS: The Future Is DULL”

  1. PWG said

    Thank you, you’ve saved me $10 and two hours of my life. I’m probably going to spend that two hours playing sudoku or Creeps on my iPhone, though, and not curing any diseases or saving children from oncoming trains or anything. Still, net win.

  2. traphuochuy said

    I do not appreciate Tom at MANY movie , include MI series, his acting is normal


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