MAY MOVIES PREVIEWS – May Be Terrible, May Be Not Completely Terrible – PART 2

April 25, 2013

Howdy

More movies. More May movies. More moronic May movies. More moronic May movies mor mou mo mead mbout, mk? Mk!

BLACK ROCK

Yes, it’s a horror movie.

Yes, it’s about some dudes trying to chop those three white ladies to bits.

Yes, each of them white ladies gets naked.

That’s basically all you need to know.

Well, I guess you could know that the one white lady – Katie Aselton, on the left, from “The League” – directed this movie and wrote it with her husband Mark DuPlass – also from “The League”, no not the guy who plays her husband on “The League”, yes, the guy who plays Pete, yes, she’s too good looking for him, and, yes, you should see DuPlass’ movie “Safety Not Guaranteed” … possibly instead of seeing this slasher movie… although “Safety Not Guaranteed” has no nudity from Lake Bell, Kate Bosworth, or Katie Aselton, so think about it.

THE ENGLISH TEACHER

By any chance, did you watch that Steve Coogan comedy called “Hamlet 2” about a high school doing a crazy over-the-top musical which was their own sequel to Hamlet? This movie sounds a lot like that, but not full of prat falls and with a lot more Nathan Lane. I haven’t seen a trailer, but with it having their faces the way they are on the poster, I’m guessing this has a happy feel good ending and a ton of nonsense I don’t want to ever see.

I guess they’re all supposed to be expressing emotions, emotions that are thought provoking and full of earnestness.

To me, they all look like someone opened their stall door while they were in mid-shit.

Julianne is trying to keep calm and her dignity. Michael is brooding and thinking over whether he should shit in shame or attack with poop fresh on his naked bottom. Nathan, a little more in your face, saying if you want to look look, but make it quick and move on. Lily is surprised and her innocence is lost forever. Greg bemused and continuing to shit regardless. He was really in mid-shit when the door opened.

Not seeing this.

FRANCES HA

Give me a second here… just going to Wikipedia for a second… subject… Greta Gerwig… scanning bio page for any information on her dating— oh here it is… Greta Gerwig is dating Noah Baumbach. Huh? That’s not surprising in the least bit!

Nothing against Noah or Greta, but this movie might as well be a home video the two of them can felate each other to.

I saw “Greenberg” which was a good enough excuse of a movie to have Ben Stiller act like an uncomprimising asshole, Greta to act like a quirky and submissive somebody, and to see Greta topless like 4 times in the movie. I thought all three went swimmingly in the movie. Boobs looked great, very quirky and submissive, and a complete asshole. Wonderful.

Now, we have Noah making a second film with Greta – while R rated, it does not mention ‘nudity’, so it appears one will need to watch Greenberg to see Greta’s Gerwigs if you know what I meanz – and this one on its surface sounds like it is full of WHIMSY. And you know how many people like WHIMSY? Less than whatever you just said. I hate to just say that the plot sounding like a rough estimate of “Girls” with a hapless, but far from hopeless quirky white girl wondering about New York in search of realizing her dreams even though she doesn’t seem to have any of the proper social, physical, or mental tools to do so. Oh, the adventures Greta must get herself into! I bet she gets herself into a few situations a really old dead person would call a ‘pickle’. Right?!

Skip.

ROMAIN DURIS

I don’t know much about this movie other than that dude is actor Romain Duris and he’s French and he’s a writer in this and he has a rom-com affair with the chick behind him. What I do know is that Romain Duris is in one of my favorite movies of all time called “The Beat That My Heart Skipped”. It is a French remake of a Harvey Keitel movie called “Fingers”. It’s a gangster movie of sorts about a son – Duris – who is caught between continuing to be a low level gangster for his living father or to follow in his dead mother’s footsteps as a concert pianist. It’s a movie about self-discovery in a way of remembering that life could have been different and how difficult it is to change one’s lie once you’ve lived it in one way for so long. A follow-up to that movie suggestion is to see “A Prophet” which is another excellent movie by the same director – Jacques Audiard.

As for this movie in the poster, well, see it or not – whatever. I’ve seen a few other Romain Duris movies, he’s a good actor, but “The Beat That My Heart Skipped” will always be my favorite.

AURANGZEB

Apparently, Bollywood doesn’t do vertical posters.

I mention this movie because I’m talking about mostly American movies and a lot of them sound fucking terrible; meanwhile, there are so many movies that are coming out internationally in places like India that are a different level of crazy than what we’re making and just as bad. The big difference though is that Bollywood is just having fun. It’s terrible, but it’s fun. Just listen to how amazingly absurd this plot is…

A family of policemen, and a family of gangsters. To bring down a criminal, the law will have to think like a criminal! This summer, there will be only 1 Emperor. Directed by Atul Sabharwal and produced by Aditya Chopra, “Aurangzeb” stars Arjun Kapoor, in a double role, along with Prithviraj, in lead roles in this intriguing and gripping drama.

It’s a drama?! A movie that’s oddly reminiscent of Jean Claude Van Damme’s “Double Impact” done by Bollywood is a drama? Fantastic. Who would’ve guessed this guy singing by that girls legs would be playing TWO roles? Also, the use of the word ‘Emperor’ out of nowhere really took these 4 sentences up 100 notches. Great stuff, India.

EPIC

“Epic” looks “Epic”-ly bad.

Who wants to see this movie in the least bit? I haven’t seen a Disney animated movie in awhile I think. I know I haven’t seen Ice Age or Rio as mentioned on the poster. Are any of those good? Because this looks terrible. The trailers are very hard to sit through. And, the cast doesn’t inspire much confidence. Beyonce, Pitbull, and Steven Tyler? Good God, I will never watch this movie.

I suggest parents with small kids to begin concocting a lie that will get you out of seeing this movie and force another parent, your husband or wife, or a mousey babysitter to go see this movie instead of you having to put yourself through whatever awfulness this movie is.

FAST & FURIOUS 6

I don’t know why, but I have seen all of these movies.

The first sucked. The second was a lot worse somehow. The third was better, but stupid. The fourth was pretty unwatchable. But something happened in the fifth one. Something where the idiocy didn’t outweigh the entertainment of the action. That’s what the problem is for most bad actions movies. No matter what, we’re not getting a smart movie. We’ve already allowed ourselves to walk into a movie knowing it’s going to be stupid. The question is, how stupid? And, does that stupidity outweigh the goodness of the action? It’s not that action movies can’t be smart; there are smart action movies. But most directors are not looking to make something smart and full of good action. They’d like to think they’re making something stupid and filled with good action. In the case of “Oblivion”, you have something very stupid and it just so happens it is also filled with unenjoyable action scenes.

Fast Five is stupid, sure. The action scenes are pretty great. As far as the stupidity of the movie, you can easily add it all up afterward – but while watching the movie, the director gets you in and out of all stupidity without lingering too long and without being too far away from another great action scene. That’s the key to making a stupid action movie. Don’t spend too much time on the stupidity. Plenty of people spend too much time on the stupidity. Since you’re not focusing on being smart, use those energies on crafting great action. Problem is they don’t always do that. Anyway… I’m rambling and going in circles.

Fast & Furious 6 is directed by the same guy who did 5, 4, and 3. Yep, he’s made 4 F&F movies. And it was on #5 that he kind of nailed what he should’ve been doing all along. Judging from the trailers, it appears that 6 is going to be very similar to 5. Instead of Vin Diesel jumping a car out of a train that’s on fire, Vin Diesel jumps a car out of an airplane that’s on fire. Instead of The Rock, you have The Rock… well, that’s the same and THANK THE FUCKING GODS FOR IT! Also, we have Gina Carano – former MMA fighter, former kickboxer, a high potential to make me blush and shake uncontrollably like I was a Japanese fan in Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” music video – as The Rock’s sidekick and who gets into a fist fight with Michelle Rodriguez.

I’m seeing this.

I will add that Justin Lin – the director – has decided to NOT direct the potential next TWO F&F movies that are being planned to follow this movie’s plot’s possible cliffhanger conclusion. Since it’s a way’s away and it’s the internet and you can look it up yourself… the idea that has been heavily rumored is that Jason Statham would be a bad guy in F&F. That’s a fantastic idea and actually an idea that makes sense. The dude was The Transporter in a million movies and we buy that he knows how to drive well and also spin kick people while shirtless. Perfect fit for these movies. So… look out for him possibly being the bad guy in installments 7 and 8.

Anyway… there are still a few movies left to go, but it’s almost time to post, so I’ll save the last few movies for tomorrow.

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2 Responses to “MAY MOVIES PREVIEWS – May Be Terrible, May Be Not Completely Terrible – PART 2”

  1. PWG said

    The only thing I’m seeing here is Fast & Furious. Somehow I think I only saw 1, 2 and 5 so my guilty pleasure is unmarred by Tokyo Drift. Everyone in this movie looks good shirtless, and u have no doubt we’ll have that affirmed again within the first 15 minutes. Plus fast cars. So I’m good with it no matter how shitty the plot and acting.

    But I actually really liked 1 and 5, Paul Walker’s epic vacant looks and atrocious acting notwithstanding.

    I would listen to Vin Diesel read anything.

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