MAY MOVIES PREVIEWS – May Be Terrible, May Be Not Completely Terrible – PART 3

April 29, 2013

WHAT IT IS!

I went to a barbecue restaurant where I ate cheese fries with chopped brisket on top. It was an appetizer.

DID YOU JUST READ WHAT I WROTE?!

CHEESE FRIES WITH CHOPPED BRISKET AS AN APPETIZER!!!!

I don’t know about how you are all feeling, but I think America is doing better than it ever has. If America was really falling apart then we wouldn’t be serving such delicious brisket that is just falling apart because of its tenderness. It was magnificent.

What did I eat with the brisket/cheese fries? How about a sliced brisket sandwich with cheese and a horseradish sauce. FUCK YEAH, AMERICA. FUCKING FUCK YEAH!

Now, for some sad news… more May movie previews.

I’ve got 4 left. Of those 4… one is a blockbuster that looks good, one is a blockbuster that looks bad, one is a movie no one will ever see, and one is a pseudo-blockbuster that looks horrendous. SUH-WEET!!!!! Let’s get into this shit.

THE HANGOVER III

Actually, I’m looking forward to this a lot more than I was looking forward to the 2nd.

I didn’t see a point in making the second one. Especially after they made that lackluster movie “Due Date”, which was kind of a ripoff of The Hangover and directed by the same director Todd Phillips. Either way, they made a second Hangover and set it in Thailand I think and more or less it was a scene by scene remake of the first, but with a lot more Asian people in the background. I thought the second movie had its moments, but overall had little to no originality, felt forced in every way possible, and had a completely forgettable storyline. Not good things.

Not enough happened between the first and second as far as time and real things happening to the actual people. Before the first Hangover, you either had no clue who Bradley Cooper was or you knew he was the guy that Vince Vaughn sucker punches at the end of “Wedding Crashers”. Ed Helms was that guy from “The Office” or possibly that guy from “The Office” who was on “The Daily Show”. And, Zack was either unknown to you or he was a stand-up comic. The first movie changed that and made each one of them a movie star/comedic actor. By the time the second movie came out, nothing had really changed. They were all just the guys from The Hangover. Now, Zack’s been in several movies. Ed took over for Steve Carell in the Office. And, Bradley Cooper is seen as a legitimate actor. Sending them back out there for dick jokes sounds more appealing. And in more Ken Jeoung and an evil John Goodman… sounds like fun.

Also, 3’s usually mean the end of things and with that there’s an intangible feeling to wrap shit up, make it worthwhile because this is the curtain call. So, I’m excited for this. I didn’t think there needed to be a sequel originally and felt obligated to see the second one. Now, they have an obligation to make a proper sequel and end this comedic series correctly. I’m hoping they do it.

AFTER EARTH

Errrrr… nope.

Honestly, I am curious about this movie. I like Will Smith and if he is going to do a father and son in movie then having his actual son as his son isn’t a bad idea. And, it’s a sci-fi action movie which I’m a sucker for. But…

It’s directed by M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN.

I think M. Night is a terrible director. I do. I’m not sure what it is that he does when he talks to his actors or what he does on set, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he feeds them way too much dairy and not enough water because all the characters in all of his movies are CONSTIPATED. They’re CONSTIPATED and just fucking wooden. No matter what movie we’re talking about, these people talk with the same emotional constitutional as an automated telephone operator.

You probably noticed that M. Night’s name isn’t in big letters or mentioned at all on this poster or in the trailers. His name is somewhere in the fine print, but they’re not marketing this as an M. Night movie. One reason – he sucks and everyone knows he sucks even the people who jerk off the “Sixth Sense” know he sucks now. Second reason – he didn’t come up with this movie. It’s more the first reason than the second, but this movie is Will Smith’s idea and he specifically asked for M. Night. I’m hoping that Will just finds a connection with M. Night because of the Philly thing. As for directing kids, M. Night just directed a bunch of kids terribly in Avatar and now he’s going to direct mostly Jaden.

The movie itself seems pretty stupid. It’s Jaden running around an overgrown Earth and there are baboons that have evolved to kill people for whatever reason and Jaden’s got a sword thingy and Will’s stuck in the ship with a stomach wound. I don’t know why I’m that interested in this movie, but I’m interested in how bad is it. Is it downright terrible? Are there any good moments? Worse than “Oblivion”?

Apparently, the original script was about a father and son who got lost hiking or something and the father got hurt and the son had to go through the wilderness for help. Will and his screenwriting buddy Gary Whitta punched it up to be a sci-fi movie instead.

I wish I was Will Smith’s screenwriting buddy.

THE EAST

What a fuckable cast, am I right?

Brit, Alex, Ellen? I don’t think anyone would turn down an invitation to turn that threesome into a foursome. That’s just plain silly to think that someone would turn that down.

The movie? Well, Brit was just in a movie where she was a cult leader and the main characters were trying to get into her cult. Now, she’s trying to get into a radical political group. Either way, deception et cetera.

I would probably see this. I really liked “Another Earth” that Brit was in and I haven’t sat through “Sound of My Voice”, but it looks really good/intriguing. I’d see this.

I’d rather see a sextape involving these three. I’d rather see a sextape involving the stars of most movies rather than seeing the movie they’re promoting and this is definitely one of those movies. It would be funny seeing this movie as a play and anytime Brit is on stage with either Ellen or Alex or Alex is on stage with Ellen everyone in the crowd just starts yelling “kiss each other!”

Anyway… this movie will be a download because I doubt it will come out in theaters.

And, finally…

NOW YOU SEE ME

This movie offends me. It offends every fiber of my being.

The guy who directed this is Louis Leterrier and he has become an uncompromisingly terrible director. His first movie was “Transporter” which was whatever and ok. His second movies was “Unleashed”, which should have stayed as “Danny the Dog”, but either way that movie was pretty great. It was an action movie starring Jet Li and was up there as probably his best movie made not in China. Since then… it has been down hill and gaining speed. Louis directed Transporter 2 followed by the Incredible Hulk remake and then the Clash of the Titans remake. Those movies suck. And, “Now You See Me” looks phenomenally worse than those previously mentioned shitty movies.

Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Isla Fischer, and possibly Dave Franco are big stage magicians like Siegfried & Roy and they start pulling off bank robberies or something. Ugh. I don’t know if you can sit through the entire trailer or not, but there are 4 points in the trailer where someone explodes into a pile of money. I want to burn down the house of everyone involved in the making of this movie when I see someone explode into a pile of money. Everyone! EVERYONE! … well, not Isla’s house because that’s Sacha Baron Cohen’s house too and not Melanie Laurent’s house because she’s a pretty French girl just getting work where she can and Hollywood sucks. But EVERYONE ELSE’S HOUSE!!!!

The movie looks like actual garbage. The part where Eisenberg throws the handcuffs off himself and onto Mark Ruffalo’s wrists and says that when dealing with magic you have to be the smartest person in the room… I hope both of them contract a serious case of irritable bowel syndrome because of that scene. Like they have to shit every 6 hours and it’s never pleasant and they have to take medication their entire lives because of it. And they’ll never be able to ride a rollercoaster again.

Fuck that movie.

Fuck May movies for the most part.

Maybe they’ll do better in June… at least “Man of Steel” comes out then.

I hope you had a great weekend.

Smooches.

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2 Responses to “MAY MOVIES PREVIEWS – May Be Terrible, May Be Not Completely Terrible – PART 3”

  1. PWG said

    I went to a funeral in California this weekend. I saw that my mother has turned into one of those old people who say whatever they want. She’s 75 and not Gran Torino-bad yet, but she told her half-sister, “I can’t tell you how many times growing up I wished your mother would get hit by a bus.” Mmmkay, Mom, let’s just go over here and grab a finger sandwich or something.

    And my sister bit into a peperoncini that squirted directly into my eyeball. So my family now knows the full extent of my cursing abilities.

    I want to see “Now You See Me.” I can’t tell what “The East” is about, based solely on the cast fuckability index.

  2. thenigma said

    That’s a miiiiiighty big but you’ve got there. I try to stick with my hometown peeps or in Night’s case suburban pretend I’m from the city peeps, but I can’t. He’s a horrible director. His writing isn’t bad and he has interesting ideas, but he should hand them over to better directors and writers (for the polish). He most certainly should never be allowed near an adaptation ever again.

    I wish you were Will’s writing buddy, too, at least the shit would be funny.

    I loathe Sacha Baron Cohen with every fiber of my being. That house should burn first, 2nd, and last.

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