Dear Florence Welch, Can You Do One Simple Thing For Me?
May 2, 2013
I had an epiphany this morning…
FLORENCE WELCH SHOULD BE A LESBIAN.
Just so we’re all on the same page – she isn’t a lesbian. I don’t know if you know that already, but she’s straight as far as past relationships go that are public knowledge. And, I’m proposing that she should give up on that straight life and start living that thug life and by thug life I mean a loving lesbian relationship with a beautiful woman who cares for her heart and soul.
And, I’ve got a several reasonings:
1. Florence Welch could get almost any woman she wants – gay or straight
This is the primary mover on this idea.
I do like Florence’s music, but in no way am I going to say I like Florence’s music as much as your average female. And I say that because I don’t want to get bit, stabbed, or clawed. Same goes for Adele. As a man, you have to keep your enjoyment level of Adele under the enjoyment level of any females in the area because Adele is theirs and if a girl had a weapon or long enough nails they would attack you with them if you’re infringing on their ownership of Adele. Same goes for Flo.
Women love Florence Welch.
Imagine this scenario: Florence Welch is at a house party that Blake Lively is also at. Ryan Reynolds can also be at this party too. Anyway, Florence and Blake are talking as they would do. And, Florence says she’s been working on some new music. And Blake is excited by that because that is exciting news for any woman to hear and Blake is naturally a very excitable person. Florence asks Blake if she would like to hear some of it. Blake would definitely say yes. There isn’t a possible scenario where she would say no. Florence says something like it’s too loud in the room they are in – whether it actually is or isn’t – and they need to find a quieter place for her to actual share some of this new music with her. Flo suggests taking their drinks into a bedroom, which will be cool with the owner because they’re a friend – whether they are or not. Cut to Blake and Florence in the bedroom: Florence is acapella style singing a song to Blake. It could be new music or shit she never put on an album or whatever. But she’s not like belting it out there, she’s more kind of sultry whisper singing it to Blake. When Florence sings though she keeps her eyes playfully locked onto Blake’s – she could even say something about how it makes her nervous to sing just to one person, but she’s a little drunk and Blake has such kind eyes or whatever and she really wants to share this with her or something. Either way, like 5 bars in whenever Florence wants she could nervous laugh and break away the gaze and say something about being too nervous or shy and then Blake puts a comforting hand on Florence and is saying how great that was and then Florence could move in for the kiss. Or Florence just sings it all the way through and when Blake is all blown away then kiss her. Either way, one of them will be neck deep in muff within 10 minutes of being in that room.
If Ryan Reynolds walks in, he’s going to get quite an eyeful of his bride or fiance or Green Lantern costar scissoring until the “Dog Days Are Over” and they’re not stopping anything short of that. Ryan can go run away to his car and cry listening to the Alanis Morrisette cassette tapes he has hidden under the driver’s seat.
Ok, so, now – replace Blake Lively in that scenario with just about any female on the planet and I think we’ve still got a 99% purchase of lesbo hook-up in that bedroom every time.
It’s really the female version of how I picture Rod Stewart sexed a decade of women he met from the late 60’s to 70’s by singing Maggie Mae with or without an acoustic guitar. Sure, this would have worked in the 80’s, 90’s and so on, but I don’t think he had to try at all from then on. Not that he really HAD to try that hard in the 70’s, but I’m betting old habits die hard and he was still pulling that move for longer than needed. I mean if in 1974, Rod Stewart pulled me into a room and started singing “Maggie May” to me with an acoustic guitar – I would have at least let him touch it.
C’MON! That’s a great song. Plus, I love that whole album. Such a great album – Every Picture Tells A Story. I’m not even saying that Maggie May is the best song on the album either. I’m a bigger fan of “(I know) I’m losing you”. I also love the song “Every Picture Tells a Story” and “Mandolin Wind”.
Back to Florence, she’d easily snag any actress anyone can think of between the ages of 20-40. Think of any actress from the age of 20-40 and honestly play that scenario out in your head as many times as you want and it will always end up with them finding out for certain whether Florence’s carpet matches her drapes.
2. Florence Welch would get some more album material
Just a cursory glance at Florence Welch’s wikipedia or really just listening to her albums would tell you that this music of hers is inspired by relationships… as most music is.
Taken from Flo’s wikipedia:
Welch had a long term relationship with a literary editor, Stuart Hammond, from 2008. Their temporary split provided inspiration for much of the Lungs album. Welch says, “He prefers me not to talk about it. It’s funny then singing about it.” In 2011 the couple broke up by mutual decision because of conflicting career demands, and the breakup provided material for Florence and The Machine’s second album Ceremonials.
First, that is not a proper sentence – “It’s funny then singing about it.” He prefers me not to talk about it than sing about it – it’s funny? I don’t know. Either way…
I like “Lungs”. I have not listened to “Ceremonials”, but I’m sure it’s fine. Is that “Shake it out” song off of Ceremonials? That’s a good song. Anyway, if she’s gotten two good albums out of a hetero relationship with a dude named “Stuart” then I bet we could get some great shit with a change of what’s in your underwear scenery. Right? I think so. I’m assuming since she’s English she runs into more Stuarts than I do, but it sounds like boring relationship material to me and it still turned into two good albums. So, a couple years with a Gemma could produce some great and then that relationship fails because all relationships with Gemmas fail because they’re always too dramatic and then that would be a great album too.
Win win for everyone.
3. Florence’s crazy outfits are a bigger hit with women than men
Florence wears some crazy shit.
Sometimes she just wears a green evening gown that looks more appropriate for a dress rehearsal reading of “The Great Gatsby” and that’s her more pedestrian style.
The more random stuff is absolutely lost on straight men. Yes, I’m willing to talk for straight men everywhere and say it is lost on all of us. Women will probably enjoy it or have more to say about it and so on than a dude boyfriend does.
So, there’s that.
4. It would be more interesting for me
Honestly, I’m not fucking Florence Welch.
If you were under the impression that I was currently having consensual intercourse with the singer of “Sweet Nothings” than I’m sorry to inform you of the opposite. It’s been a topsy turvy morning for you I imagine.
Throughout my day surfing the internet, I would much rather see a picture of two women kissing than a picture of some dude who is not me kissing about any woman. So, why the fuck not be a lesbian for my sake and the people like me who find themselves wasting time looking at celebrity news sites for no apparent reason and see pictures of said celebs with their celeb significant others.
If I’m casually flipping through some pictures and there’s some of Florence, why not one or two of her kissing someone who is named Stacey instead of Stuart? Way more interesting for me. It could be one of those pictures where Florence is looking really good like she’s Kate Walsh’s sister or one of the ones where she looks good, but she also looks like she may have been raised in a forest… a forest that has a tear in the space time continuum where she can step through to 1972… and she’s with a lady. That would be cool.
It’s 2013, Florence Welch!
You’re 26 years old!
Just become a lesbian already!
Florence Welch wants IT.