Dear Florence Welch, Can You Do One Simple Thing For Me?

May 2, 2013


I had an epiphany this morning…



Just so we’re all on the same page – she isn’t a lesbian. I don’t know if you know that already, but she’s straight as far as past relationships go that are public knowledge. And, I’m proposing that she should give up on that straight life and start living that thug life and by thug life I mean a loving lesbian relationship with a beautiful woman who cares for her heart and soul.

And, I’ve got a several reasonings:

1. Florence Welch could get almost any woman she wants – gay or straight

This is the primary mover on this idea.

I do like Florence’s music, but in no way am I going to say I like Florence’s music as much as your average female. And I say that because I don’t want to get bit, stabbed, or clawed. Same goes for Adele. As a man, you have to keep your enjoyment level of Adele under the enjoyment level of any females in the area because Adele is theirs and if a girl had a weapon or long enough nails they would attack you with them if you’re infringing on their ownership of Adele. Same goes for Flo.

Women love Florence Welch.

Imagine this scenario: Florence Welch is at a house party that Blake Lively is also at. Ryan Reynolds can also be at this party too. Anyway, Florence and Blake are talking as they would do. And, Florence says she’s been working on some new music. And Blake is excited by that because that is exciting news for any woman to hear and Blake is naturally a very excitable person. Florence asks Blake if she would like to hear some of it. Blake would definitely say yes. There isn’t a possible scenario where she would say no. Florence says something like it’s too loud in the room they are in – whether it actually is or isn’t – and they need to find a quieter place for her to actual share some of this new music with her. Flo suggests taking their drinks into a bedroom, which will be cool with the owner because they’re a friend – whether they are or not. Cut to Blake and Florence in the bedroom: Florence is acapella style singing a song to Blake. It could be new music or shit she never put on an album or whatever. But she’s not like belting it out there, she’s more kind of sultry whisper singing it to Blake. When Florence sings though she keeps her eyes playfully locked onto Blake’s – she could even say something about how it makes her nervous to sing just to one person, but she’s a little drunk and Blake has such kind eyes or whatever and she really wants to share this with her or something. Either way, like 5 bars in whenever Florence wants she could nervous laugh and break away the gaze and say something about being too nervous or shy and then Blake puts a comforting hand on Florence and is saying how great that was and then Florence could move in for the kiss. Or Florence just sings it all the way through and when Blake is all blown away then kiss her. Either way, one of them will be neck deep in muff within 10 minutes of being in that room.

If Ryan Reynolds walks in, he’s going to get quite an eyeful of his bride or fiance or Green Lantern costar scissoring until the “Dog Days Are Over” and they’re not stopping anything short of that. Ryan can go run away to his car and cry listening to the Alanis Morrisette cassette tapes he has hidden under the driver’s seat.

Ok, so, now – replace Blake Lively in that scenario with just about any female on the planet and I think we’ve still got a 99% purchase of lesbo hook-up in that bedroom every time.

It’s really the female version of how I picture Rod Stewart sexed a decade of women he met from the late 60’s to 70’s by singing Maggie Mae with or without an acoustic guitar. Sure, this would have worked in the 80’s, 90’s and so on, but I don’t think he had to try at all from then on. Not that he really HAD to try that hard in the 70’s, but I’m betting old habits die hard and he was still pulling that move for longer than needed. I mean if in 1974, Rod Stewart pulled me into a room and started singing “Maggie May” to me with an acoustic guitar – I would have at least let him touch it.

C’MON! That’s a great song. Plus, I love that whole album. Such a great album – Every Picture Tells A Story. I’m not even saying that Maggie May is the best song on the album either. I’m a bigger fan of “(I know) I’m losing you”. I also love the song “Every Picture Tells a Story” and “Mandolin Wind”.

Back to Florence, she’d easily snag any actress anyone can think of between the ages of 20-40. Think of any actress from the age of 20-40 and honestly play that scenario out in your head as many times as you want and it will always end up with them finding out for certain whether Florence’s carpet matches her drapes.

2. Florence Welch would get some more album material

Just a cursory glance at Florence Welch’s wikipedia or really just listening to her albums would tell you that this music of hers is inspired by relationships… as most music is.

Taken from Flo’s wikipedia:

Welch had a long term relationship with a literary editor, Stuart Hammond, from 2008. Their temporary split provided inspiration for much of the Lungs album. Welch says, “He prefers me not to talk about it. It’s funny then singing about it.” In 2011 the couple broke up by mutual decision because of conflicting career demands, and the breakup provided material for Florence and The Machine’s second album Ceremonials.

First, that is not a proper sentence – “It’s funny then singing about it.” He prefers me not to talk about it than sing about it – it’s funny? I don’t know. Either way…

I like “Lungs”. I have not listened to “Ceremonials”, but I’m sure it’s fine. Is that “Shake it out” song off of Ceremonials? That’s a good song. Anyway, if she’s gotten two good albums out of a hetero relationship with a dude named “Stuart” then I bet we could get some great shit with a change of what’s in your underwear scenery. Right? I think so. I’m assuming since she’s English she runs into more Stuarts than I do, but it sounds like boring relationship material to me and it still turned into two good albums. So, a couple years with a Gemma could produce some great and then that relationship fails because all relationships with Gemmas fail because they’re always too dramatic and then that would be a great album too.

Win win for everyone.

3. Florence’s crazy outfits are a bigger hit with women than men

Florence wears some crazy shit.

Sometimes she just wears a green evening gown that looks more appropriate for a dress rehearsal reading of “The Great Gatsby” and that’s her more pedestrian style.

The more random stuff is absolutely lost on straight men. Yes, I’m willing to talk for straight men everywhere and say it is lost on all of us. Women will probably enjoy it or have more to say about it and so on than a dude boyfriend does.

So, there’s that.

4. It would be more interesting for me

Honestly, I’m not fucking Florence Welch.

If you were under the impression that I was currently having consensual intercourse with the singer of “Sweet Nothings” than I’m sorry to inform you of the opposite. It’s been a topsy turvy morning for you I imagine.

Throughout my day surfing the internet, I would much rather see a picture of two women kissing than a picture of some dude who is not me kissing about any woman. So, why the fuck not be a lesbian for my sake and the people like me who find themselves wasting time looking at celebrity news sites for no apparent reason and see pictures of said celebs with their celeb significant others.

If I’m casually flipping through some pictures and there’s some of Florence, why not one or two of her kissing someone who is named Stacey instead of Stuart? Way more interesting for me. It could be one of those pictures where Florence is looking really good like she’s Kate Walsh’s sister or one of the ones where she looks good, but she also looks like she may have been raised in a forest… a forest that has a tear in the space time continuum where she can step through to 1972… and she’s with a lady. That would be cool.

It’s 2013, Florence Welch!

You’re 26 years old!

Just become a lesbian already!

Florence Welch wants IT.



17 Responses to “Dear Florence Welch, Can You Do One Simple Thing For Me?”

  1. “It’s funny then singing about it.” makes sense, but it needs punctuation. “It’s funny, then, singing about it.” He prefers that she not talk about it, so it’s “funny” that she has to ignore it in that sense but then just turns around and sings about it every day of her life.

    Anyway. Nice Florence Welch fan fic you wrote there.

  2. PWG said

    Speaking of, um . . . gender studies? . . . I decided that I’m done with the stick figure wearing a dress on the women’s restroom signs. I am probably actually 3% LESS likely to be wearing a dress than you average male person.

    We’re catering to the illiterate and non-English reading people amongst us with that crap, right? I think we can find something better. Something that screams “female.”

    Also, side tangent: I do not approve of ethnic restaurants going all “damas and caballeros” or “blokes and sheilas” on us, either. I’m going to be drinking in your establishment, and now I’m taking a DUI test in front of your toilet doors? No.

    So I’m willing to go with either a plain “penis and vagina” line drawing, or a “I heart Adele and I circle line through it Adele” motif. Open to suggestions here.

    • PWG said

      Now I’m laughing because I made Australian an ethnicity. And Outback Australian food, for that matter. Still, their bathrooms needs to cut that shit out.

  3. maddeline gunnarsdottir said

    Oh if only you knew. Look up Florence welch and Isabella summers.

  4. FlorenceLover said

    Stupid people talk bad about her… You don’t know anything about Florence, and think that being a lesbian, which she is not, is a horrible thing …Please … There are more interesting things to talk about than to speak ill of a person who has millions of fans … Including me … She … She sings beautiful songs … She has a MAGNIFICIENT voice! I saw a video of a concert, and I think she was singing the song “No Light, No Light” and she sang a note that spectacular lasted about 18 seconds! 18 seconds! And you can sing a note that lasts 18 seconds? Just try it. She is very talented, but what you want is to have to speak ill of her to be famous … Please stop criticizing her!

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      You read that post and you took away from it that I think lesbians are horrible?

      You’re a fucking idiot.

  5. FlorenceLover said

    Talk about the people life, that’s horrible. Oh, I’m going to create a site about your private life… Saying you’re a lesbian, when I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU! Did you like it? Then, I’m going to share that site… Yes, because I’m reading this, and I’m not american or British… I’m portuguease…

  6. Gomez said

    So, why is she talking about Florence’s private life? Why?

  7. Gomez said

    I’m not biased. I am in favor of homosexual marriage, I have no problems with it … But tell me why you talk ill about her.

  8. Gomez said

    But I’m not going lose my time with people who just wants see other people bad. I’m not going to lose my time reading these horrible posts, talking ill of celebrities, with thousands and thousands of fans. If you don’t like them, that’s your problem, because Florence is an amazing singer. If she is a lesbian or not, that’s a thing just she knows. You have no right to talk about her private life on the Internet. So, godbye, I had no pleasure in talking with so bad people. “Honestly, I’m not fucking Florence Welch.” Aren’t you??! Bye bye!

    • MPK said

      You’re pretty much of an idiot here w these repeat posts… no one spoke ill of anyone. It’s a humorous post, moron!

  9. IndyJPS said

    I like your writing, who are you? I want to read more of your work.

  10. MPK said

    Love this post! Rofl. Bravo!

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