Money Spent Stupidly, PUPPY PICTURE, and FHM’s Top 100 List For Whatever Reason

May 6, 2013

What’s up, peeps and popes!

Random title, but it is what I’m planning on covering.

This weekend, most of America spent in total just shy of $180 million for tickets for “Iron Man 3”. A movie with worse reviews than its predecessors and yet people the biggest box office opening weekend of the three. The worse it gets, the more tickets it sells. It’s truly amazing.

In Las Vegas, Floyd Mayweather fought Robert Guerrero in an uninspiring 12 round decision, which snagged a live gate (attendance tickets) of $9.9 million. The MGM Grand Garden Arena holds a little less than 17,000, so the average ticket price was between $550 to $600. INCREDIBLE. Also, the pay-per-view was around $60 and supposedly just north of a 1,000,000 people bought it.

So, we’ve got people shelling out hard earned money to go see “Iron Man 3” which features such gems as Gwyneth Paltrow gaining/using super powers, a Ben Kinglsey pooping joke which undercuts any seriousness about the Mandarin villain, Guy Pearce breathing fire, and a second act featuring a Tennessee kid scientist who makes high grade weapons in his shed ala Anakin Skywalker in “Phantom Menace”. I haven’t even seen the movie (hopefully never will) and this is what I know of it and it made $180 million.

The boxing match on the other hand, I watched that. We got to see Mayweather almost break a sweat, no knockdowns, one flush hook landing in like the 9th round, and a smiling Floyd Mayweather who reportedly earned $32 million for that 40 minutes of sparring. Meanwhile, Guerrero made $3 million and landed maybe one worthwhile punch in 12 rounds and got a small cut on his eye. Sweet. Long live boxing!

That being said… I had a wonderful weekend walking around Asbury Park, NJ. I drank a bunch of Maker’s Mark, caught the Kentucky Derby out of the corner of my eye, watched an average looking lesbian couple in their late 30’s make out, I ate a bunch of lobster, and I got to give this little lady all the snuggles in the world…

That’s my parents’ new puppy named Josie.

I gave all the snug-snugs to my other dogs too to not make them too jealous, also I’m a big man with a lot of love to give… mostly to dogs. Humans? I like ’em, but comparing dogs to humans is like comparing apples to oranges. A world where “apples”/”humans” can be super annoying and “oranges”/”dogs” are the greatest creatures to ever exist ever. So, you know.

I ended up on the wrong website about the wrong top 100 list of hot chicks and now that I’m on the wrong site, I thought I would talk about it.

I kept seeing on Yahoo that Miley Cyrus was named #1 on a top 100 list of hot chicks for 2013 or something. I then saw another story saying that Arianny Celeste was on a top 100 list of hot chicks. Yahoo has geared my news for me – which I really don’t like – and it’s all MMA, other sports, movies, and celebs. That sounds ok, but I go to Yahoo to give me news about things that are not from those topics because I go to other websites for that shit. Anyway… I thought Arianny and Miley were on the same list, but they’re two different lists.

Supposedly, Miley is going to be revealed as the top chick on the Maxim list, which hasn’t come out yet and Miley may have “spoiled” the news early. Honestly, who gives a shit… well, I guess I do. While literally taking my morning constitution, I clicked on the link and read that and then saw this Arianny thing and thought it was the same list, but it’s not. Arianny is some random number on FHM’s top 100 list, which doesn’t have Miley on it at all and is also published to be seen.

So… let’s take a quick look through it with my quick impressions…

… actually, first, let me say that FHM is British so there are a lot of British chicks on this list, if you were wondering…

100. Sofia Vergara – WHAT?! #100?! Already, this list makes no sense. There are not 100 women better looking than Sofia Vergara.

99. Nathalie Emmanuel – No idea

98. Chloe Cummings – No idea

97. Olivia Godfrey – No idea

96. Susanna Reid – No idea

95. Layla Anna-Lee – No idea

94. Imogen Poots – POOTS! CONGRATS POOTS! POOTS IS THE POOTSIEST!

93. Linda Barker – No idea

92. Rachel Shenton – No idea

91. Kristen Stewart – Heard of her. I heard she WANTS IT.

90. Rachel Riley – No idea

89. Lucy Collett – Red head, big boobs, shows boobs for money

88. Franziska Klein – No idea

87. Eva Mendes – Fair enough. She’s still stunning.

86. Gemma Merna – No idea

85. Britney Spears – REALLY?! She’s still plenty of attractive and everything, but really? I mean Sofia Vergara is puttering around at 100 and Britney… whatever.

84. Mary Elizabeth Winstead – Sure. There’s absolutely no way her husband doesn’t beg her to dress up as Ramona Flowers and have cosplay sex with him on his birthday and/or any free-time they have.

83. Lacey Banghard – Big boobs, shows big boobs for money, not so sure about anything else.

82. Carly Rae Jepsen – Ok. Not sure about her and Sofia and her being like 20 spots ahead, but whatever. Let’s see if Carly can come up with another song.

81. Hannah Tointon – No idea.

80. Ashley Roberts – No idea.

79. Arianny Celeste – Here we go. I’d really have to do more investigation about this to make a concrete statement, but Arianny does have one of the best boob jobs I have ever seen. It seems like a lot of women are getting discount boob jobs, but Arianny went out and got the real deal boob job with no coupons or nothing. Well done.

78. Hayley Williams – The singer from Paramore? To each his own…

77. Fearne Cotton – No idea

76. Lea Michele – I’m willing to sacrifice never seeing Lea Michele in any more “scandalous” picture sets if GLEE would just go away for eternity and never be mentioned again. Same can be said for Diane Agron.

75. Candice Swanepoel – For a white girl who must weigh 15 pounds and probably gets chills just seeing someone else drink a glass of anything with ice in it, she’s got a nice ass.

74. Kristin Kreuk – She’s still around? The most acting I’ve seen Kreuk do was in the beginning of EuroTrip. I never watched “Smallville”. But ok. Sure. Whatever.

73. Louise Thompson – No idea.

72. Emma Watson – Well, of course. I haven’t sat through the trailer for her upcoming movie “Bling Ring” although I have seen the gifs of her in that trailer on about 1,000,001 websites. She dances at a club and makes licking motions at the camera.

71. Amanda-Byram – No idea

70. Caroline Flack – No idea

69. Rachel Bilson – Yeah? I have seen websites promoting they found her on a beach in a bikini. CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS! I think she’s on a TV show or is going to be. I will never watch said show, but I guess these idiots are.

68. Jessie J – Eh. I used to get her confused with the pop country singer who is named Jessie James and she married Denver Broncos WR Eric Decker and the two have a TV show coming out soon and that chick is much hotter. But I did really like Jessie J’s one song and I’ve never listened to a second of Jessie James sing.

67. Jade Ewen – No idea

66. Millie Clode – No idea

65. Jennifer Love Hewitt – Yes. Agreed. She’s been hot for like 20 years now. “Party of Five” was in the mid-90’s and “Can’t Hardly Wait” came out I think when I was a freshman in High School. Either way, her cleavage is still wonderful and she’s on a TV show all about her giving guys handjobs. Well done, Love, well done.

64. Gemma Atkinson – Huge fake boobs, blonde, British.

63. Juno Temple – You got to ______ an actress who is consistently cast as a sex slave. I don’t know what the ______ is, but the other part is a fact.

62. Berenice Marlohe – Is this the chick from “Skyfall”? I HATE SKYFALL!

61. Jenna-Louise Coleman – No idea

60. Hannah Simone – I know she’s an actress, but that’s it.

59. Katrina Bowden – Thank God “30 Rock” is over. And to add to that Candice Swanepoel thought – Katrina Bowden also has not a surprisingly nice butt, but a surprising amount of butt. You know what I mean? She’s got a little boot on her. Did you know she’s in a lot of horror movies?

58. Pippa Middleton – Yeah? I thought we were done pretending to care about these people.

57. Alison Brie – Should be #1. Of all time. Or until I cross from the mortal world to the desert lands of the afterlife.

56. Miranda Kerr – Never really thought anything about her. She procreated with Orlando Bloom, which is kind of a knock against her. She also is apparently too big of a bitch to be on the Victoria Secret runway show. Which kind of raises my opinion of her because I don’t have anything to do with that. Her face looks like an anime character.

55. Perrie Edwards – No idea

54. Nicole Scherzinger – From the Pussycat Dolls? I guess. Is she still relevant.

53. Lana Del Rey – Never heard a single second of any song by her. She is pretty, but I couldn’t care less.

52. Cher Lloyd – No idea

51. Brittney Palmer – Pretty far ahead of Arianny. Brittney’s definitely attractive, but she loses points for having the exact same tattoos that Megan Fox has. Seems odd.

50. Georgia May Foote – No idea

49. Scarlett Johannson – She’s up there as one of the most attractive human beings on the planet for me, but I will say she looked hilarious unattractive in some paparazzi pictures that were taken of her on the Captain America 2 set…

Hahahahahahahahahaha…

It’s like she smelled The Incredible Hulk’s dump.

48. Seren Gibson – No idea

47. Jessica Ennis – Yes! The gold medal winning decathlete from England? Remember her? She kind of looks like Rashida Jones. Not Lolo Jones who also looks like Rashida Jones, but similar. Anyway, they’re all bi-racial angels.

46. Lyndsy Fonseca – No idea

45. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley – I’m not saying she isn’t pretty, but I couldn’t care less.

44. Hetti Bywater – No idea

43. Charlie Webster – No idea

42. Laura Trott – No idea

41. Roxanne McKee – No idea

40. Daisy Lowe – Yes. She is very attractive. She’s Gavin Rossdale’s daughter with a fashion designer/model or someone and she likes to get naked. God bless her and her Godly works… which is showing us her naked boobs and butt. She’s an actress or something.

39. Victoria Pendleton – No idea

38. Kim Kardashian – Yes. I’m an unapologetic fan.

37. Frankie Sandford – No idea. Sounds like a Jewish comedian from the 50’s.

36. Emma Stone – Yeah. Superbad and Zombieland and… who knows. I haven’t seen most of these movies she’s in, but they all look skippable to me. The couple I have seen outside of the couple mentioned I didn’t like.

35. Emily Atack No idea… also, sounds like what the cameraman yelled right before this video started – EMILY ATTACK!

34. Jennifer Aniston – Ugh. At #34? Nah.

33. Emilia-Clarke – Yes and similar to what I said before about Mary Elizabeth Winstead… if you’re privy to consensual sex with Emilia Clarke and you’re not having/begging/pleading with her to dress up as Dany from “Game of Thrones” then you’re wasting the gift God has bestowed on you.

32. Selena Gomez – Yes. I wonder if puberty will ever effect her face the way it has to the rest of her. Also, her brain because she’s back with Bieber.

31. Zooey Deschanel – She’s still cute. Actually, she’s probably cuter to me now than she was for the past few years since that shitty Iphone commercial of hers isn’t on TV anymore and I never watch “New Girl”.

30. Kimberley Walsh – No idea

29. Laura Whitmore – No idea

28. Vanessa Hudgens – Yep. Don’t watch her music video though. It’s akin to hitting yourself in the skull with a hammer 3x.

27. Christina Hendricks – Fuck yeah. Did you read Friday’s post? Also, the shirt she wore on Mad Men last night must have the tensile strength to carry 15 watermelons because you know – boobs.

26. Millie Mackintosh – No idea

25. Jennifer Metcalfe – No idea

24. Mellisa Clarke – No idea

23. Holly Willoughby – No idea

22. Amanda Seyfried – Yes. I did read an interview that Amanda did where she noted she’s lost so much weight that her cup size dropped from a D to a C and she sort of regretted not having those really big boobs still. Meanwhile, I wept.

21. Keeley Hazell – Huge boobed British model. Yes to her. And, she has the worst sex tape ever. Could’ve been the best considering she’s uproariously attractive, but the sex tape is more or less a man’s ass pumping up and down. You can’t really see her in the video at all, but you can see that guy’s ass crack working up a mean sweat. Great, right?

20. Jennifer Lawrence – Fuck yes. Should be in the top 5 or 3 or #1.

19. Beyonce Knowles – Beyonce’s still hot. And her name is super duper fun to say still.

18. Mollie King – I feel like I’ve heard this name, but no idea.

17. Megan Fox – She’s still Megan Fox, so sure. Kind of losing pop culture importance at this point, right?

16. Katy Perry – Yes. Boobs. Always boobs. Does she make music still? But the boobs are great.

15. Rita Ora – She takes her clothes off for money, but I don’t know anything else besides that.

14. Rosie Jones – Huge boobs, pretty, you can see said boobs on the internet. She’s British too.

13. Jorgie Porter – No idea. Sounds like a type of sausage.

12. Taylor Swift – Yeah? I like Tay Swift and all, but #12? #100 was Sofia Vergara and Taylor Swift is #12? Seems like bizarro world.

11. Tulisa Contostavlos – Great name. No idea.

10. Georgia Salpa – No idea.

9. Cheryl Cole – They’re Brits after all. She’s their Jennifer Aniston.

8. Kate Upton – Of fucking course. Boobs and boobs and she’s got nice legs too.

7. Pixie Lott – No idea

6. Kaley Cuoco – Really? I just find this surprising. Do the Brits LOVE The Big Bang Theory? They must.

5. Kelly Brook – Boobs and boobs and very pretty. I’m ok with this.

4. Michelle Keegan – Boobs and boobs and dressed up in cosplay with boobs, so she’s a saint. … … hmmmm… was just looking this chick up trying to find the picture I was thinking of and I was thinking of a different Keegan. I have no idea who Michelle Keegan is. I was thinking of Carrie Keagan from a series of TV shows that I do not watch. She dressed up as every blonde girl with huge boobs’ favorite cosplay character – Power Girl and it was magnificent…

3. Helen Flanagan – Big boobs, blonde, would like to see her dressed as Power Girl.

2. Rihanna – This lady is fucking crazy and yet she is very attractive. She scares me and not in a good way. I think I’m genuinely afraid of Rihanna while at the same time I think she’s one of the more naturally beautiful people out there. And she tries to fuck up her good looks to, which is weird, but she’s failed at it. Anyway, she scares me, but she’s purty.

1. Mila Kunis – Very attractive. Wouldn’t have her at #1 though. Although, she’s a lot closer to #1 than crazy ass Miley Cyrus and I guess that’s where we started this journey at.

I’m actually similarly scared of Miley as I am of Rihanna. I also think Miley would be very annoying. Scary and annoying. She also kind of freaks me out a little. So, nothing really positive. I don’t think I could exist in the same room as Miley for more than 5 minutes.

Anyway…

How was your weekend?

2 Responses to “Money Spent Stupidly, PUPPY PICTURE, and FHM’s Top 100 List For Whatever Reason”

  1. I also had never heard a single second of a Lana Del Rey song until last Friday on Pandora, at which point I learned that Lana Del Rey has a song that starts with the lyrics “my pussy tastes like Pepsi Cola”. First of all, what the fuck? Secondly, is that better or worse than Cheerios?

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      It’s “honey nut” cheerios if you’re referring to specifically La La’s pussy. Unless you’re not and you’re just bringing up Cheerios because you’re wondering if Cheerios pussy is better or worse than Pepsi Cola pussy.

      Personally, I enjoy Honey-nut Cheerios and Pepsi Cola a lot and with an equal fervor.

      Regarding the taste buds of the majority of the world, judging by their respective high sales, I think everyone would like both.

      Pepsi Cola = Honey-nut Cheerios
      Pepsi Cola > Cheerios

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