11 Thoughts About KRISTEN STEWART’s 2013 Met Gala Red Carpet Outfit

May 7, 2013

Good day, pinks and stinks!

Last night in New York City at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the fashion world decided to shit all over punk music, fashion, and culture by having richy rich celebrities pretend their punk by wearing expensive ass dresses and expensive ass weirdo outfits to a thing about punk or something.

In attendance, Kristen “Got the World By its Balls” Stewart.

I, highly, recommend you look through the gallery of red carpet pictures posted on Yahoo – http://omg.yahoo.com/photos/2013-met-gala-red-carpet-1367879159-slideshow/kristenstewart-jpg-photo-2091958446.html …

There are 82 pictures and don’t feel like going through them again. Last night, Danielle and I went through them making jibs and jabs and clever quips like “WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE WEARING?!” or “Renee Zellweger looks like she’s 70” or “I can see Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s boobs” or “Does Maggie Gyllenhall own an article of clothing that doesn’t show 65% of her boobs?” or “I think a wallpaper monster is has eaten all of Kim Kardashian’s body and has saved her head for last” or “Lena Dunham’s got trucker arms” or “look at how ghostly Elle Fanning looks in the background of that picture or any picture for that matter” or “Who in the fuck is Linda Evangelista and how/why did she travel in time from the wedding of Marie Antoinette to this Met Gala red carpet?”

Instead of going through all 82, I’ll focus on the Wantess here and her unusual attire.

1. She WANTS IT.

Are you fucking kidding me? Look at the fucking stare from those dead eyes! Those are wanting IT eyes. Those are the same eyes a zombie gets when it smells your delicious brains. Those are the eyes of a woman who would walk through a plate glass window to get IT. She’s walk through fire with those eyes. She’d sit through multiple screenings of “Oblivion” with those eyes. Kristen Stewart fucking wants IT!

2. Is that the world’s largest camel toe or what?

I think we need to get he people from Guinness and Guinness in here to get us drunk while we measure how far the inseam goes up her baby maker. It’s got to be messing with fallopian tubes or something.

3. Is she ok?

Seriously, are we positive that Kristen Stewart wasn’t bit by a rattlesnake moments prior to the taking of this picture and there is a gargantuan amount of venom coursing through her already fragile body and it’s removing all the blood from her face, hands, and feet? Maybe food poisoning? Usually, at a red carpet thing, Kristen Stewart looks high – she doesn’t look like Doc Holiday in the closing moments of the movie “Tombstone”. Get this girl something – a cookie or something.

4. Why are her pants inflated?

This could be trick photography, but is there a hose sewn into those pants and slowly inflating Kristen Stewart’s legs? It looks like the right leg to right labia to right hip area is two times the size of the corresponding left side. Is that punk?

5. Molly Shannon

C’mon! The “I’m 50!” skit from SNL. Is anyone else thinking about that? It’s mostly due to her pants and that Molly Shannon is never far from my thoughts. I’d pay good money to see Kristen Stewart in this outfit, throw a high kick, and yell out “I’m 50!”. I mean if Miley Cyrus is giving away unicorn pajamas twerking videos for free then we should get that from K-Stew for a nominal fee.

6. Latin

Not like the dead language, but as in Latin America – like a political correct way of saying something seems Mexican. I’m not saying that this outfit would be appropriate for any costume gala red carpet whatever, but I feel like if this Met Gala’s theme was celebrating Dia de los Muertos instead of punk then Kristen Stewart could wear this exact same outfit with the exact same reaction from fashionistas. Ay Carumba! That’s Spanish, right? Or Mexican?

7. Punk is DEAD

Kristen is symbolizing an actual dead person to represent how dead punk is. Maybe this is a metaphor that Punk is truly dead because the Met is having a punk fashion show with Cameron Diaz and Sarah Jessica Parker invited. Who the fuck on this list of people is “punk”? Debbie Harry? Are you fucking kidding me? I mean Nicole Richie is dressed up like an Indian priestess from the future. And by Indian – I mean the sub-continent. She’s so dark, she might as well be in blackface. Miley Cyrus? MILEY CYRUS? Hannah MOTHERFUCKING Montana was born in 1992. If Miley Cyrus learned about punk music it was in a history book she leafed through in the green room of this event. Not saying Kristen Stewart is that much better being born in 1990. Seriously, by the time either of these chicks had cognizant thought Kurt Cobain had blown his head off and Green Day had already sold out and both of those moments were the end of MTV’s version of punk. From there it morphed into pop punk and Van’s Warped Tour.

8. The genius behind this brought you this…

Fashion designer Stella McCartney aka the daughter of Sir Paul McCartney designed both Kristen Stewart’s itchy and airy crotched pajama one-sie as well as Cameron Diaz’s caped dress and spiked belt. I assume she also used the same make-up and hair stylist who went with the “just slick all that hair back” and “make their eyes look like a renanimated corpse that feeds on human flesh”. Both Kristen and Cameron look like lame superheroes that would be designed by faux feminist comicbook artists. When I say faux feminist comicbook artists, I don’t mean actual people who write and make comicbooks that could be feminists. I mean more like people who draw a female comicbook hero to show no skin for an article someone writes saying that comicbooks are sexist and this is a more appropriate design.

What’s the over/under on how many holes that spike belt will punch through that cape? Like 15? And her arms as well? Hey Stella, next time don’t make a dress featuring a belt that could easily slit the wearer’s wrists when they instinctively sway their arms when they walk. Also, don’t make a pants suit that looks like the Attack of the 50 Foot Woman’s camel toe.

9. Best dressed in the UK

Kristen Stewart is the Lebron James of Best Dressed in whatever UK magazine/newspaper/census that is taken. I think she’s won that award a few times for being one of the best dressed celebrities. Lebron’s got 4 MVP trophies and he’s 28, which makes him the youngest to achieve that. Kristen’s like 16 years old or something, so she could win a few hundred of these awards considering Madonna who is roughly 115 is still attending these shitty events wearing high heels and no pants. Besides the fact that this outfit is no more ridiculous than most of the shit people dress Kristen indie-glam-Barbie Stewart in, but it’s designed by Stella “England’s own” McCartney, so I’m sure that will win her even more points with them. She bedded a couple of Brits and she wears their clothes, so she’s well on her way to getting a “Dame” before her name.

10. David Bowie

Remember that Bob Dylan movie no one actually saw where they had a bunch of actors and actresses or maybe just one actress play Bob Dylan for absolutely no reason at all? They should do that with David Bowie. This time it would make sense considering the whole androgyny of Bowie that he fully accepted and created where as Bob Dylan was always just some dude muttering along on an acoustic guitar. It would make a ton more sense having guys and gals dressed up like Ziggy Stardust than Duluth, Minnesota born Shabtai Zisl ben Avraham aka Jew-y Jewstein aka Bob Dylan aka Robert Zimmerman.

Also, what’s up with Bob having 4 Jew names – I had 2 and I know other people only had 1. I was Yakov Ben, I think. Anyway, I want to have a second Bar Mitzvah in 3 years. The first Bar Mitzvah was good/great, but I don’t know at least 92% of the people who attended it anymore. Some died and some are just dead to me. I think a second Bar Mitzvah featuring my actual friends would be an amazing time. Also, I could drink – which would be great. Last time when I was 13, I didn’t drink except for the sip of scotch my dad gave me after the whole thing was over. To begin with, I’m not a huge fan of Macallan 12, secondly I was 13 and hadn’t developed a taste for scotch yet. I believe scotch is a drink you enjoy later in life when you start to enjoy the burning sensation that fills your body and makes your blood feel warm again since your heart went cold all those many years ago.

11. Nice ankles

They do look pretty nice.

Anyway… Kristen Stewart wants IT even in stupid outfits.


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