When Do You Think GWYNETH PALTROW Lost Her Virginity?

May 14, 2013

Good afternoon, chicos y chicas!

My guess is 15 to a Spanish Lothario.

More on that later…

I can only assume you are wondering why today and why Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina in particular, and I can only answer that it came to me as a whimsical query while awakening from my Ambien slumber.

There is presumably a lot to talk about in the news like the soccer riots in Paris, which has some mildly hilarious footage on the Youtube. Apparently, if you own a motorized scooter in the Paris city limits, it got trashed. These soccer hooligans went for the easiest target and with that I think we clearly see how unambitious the French have become. Scooters? Just knocking over a scooter? In America, we turn over cars as well as invade other countries, but in Paris – scooter apocalypse! Anyway…

We could talk about the NBA playoffs or Game of Thrones or VEEP or how I’m planning on seeing The Great Gatsby tonight or maybe we could delve into a gun reform debate? Right?

Instead, I was thinking about Gwyneth Paltrow because she is everywhere right now for worse and not for the better. Iron Man 3, Most Beautiful Woman according to People Magazine, and on Chelsea Lately’s show Gwyn said that she gives blowjobs to her husband when she’s angry at him. … yep.

I find that very hard to believe. I find it very hard to believe that someone named Gwyneth is freely giving blowjobs. Maybe someone named Gwen would. Gwen is a fun name. Gwen is a respectable name. Gwyneth is Gwen with an ‘neth’ sound. That ‘neth’ sound is an anchor of anti-fun that drags life to the darkest depths of an ocean of ‘CSI: New York’ repeats. Just saying Gwyneth makes one a 1/10th more sad. Saying Gwen makes one smile. It’s the ringing “n” that is a delightful bell singing to the world. Whereas, ‘neth’ is the surname to the villainous sand worm that reeks havoc on a fairytale princess’ village.

Gwen is that girl who smiled all the time in school who you never got to really know, but you think about her fondly and genuinely hope she is doing well when you eventually Facebook stalk her.

Neth is that sewage like poop that comes out of you when you’re sick and you think about calling a doctor, but you’re afraid they’re going to want to see a sample of it and you know it’s not possible, but you’re afraid if you do somehow get a sample of it without throwing up until you die that the poop is so toxic it might eat through the plastic bag or container you’ve transported it in and it will ruin your clothes, car, purse, bag, or whatever it touches forever.

So, Gwyneth is a mix of those two things with a “y” throw in there for you to shake your head at.

I’m not sure how familiar you are with the Gwyneth Paltrow timeline, so let’s take a quick look at Gwyneth’s life from Wikipeida’s section on Early Life and Personal Life for you to really cultivate and educated guess on when Gwyneth Paltrow lost her virginity…

Paltrow was born in Los Angeles, California, and is the daughter of actress Blythe Danner and the late film producer/director Bruce Paltrow. Her father was Jewish and her mother is from a Christian background, and Paltrow was raised with “both Jewish and Christian holidays”.

Almost exactly like me, minus ALL THE MONEY. I, too, was born to a pretty blonde mother of Christian origins and to a glasses wearing, frizzy haired, Jew father. We celebrated both sets of holidays as well and none of this is at all interesting nor telling about when either of us lost our virginity.

Her father’s Ashkenazi family immigrated from Belarus and Russia, while her mother’s ancestry is Pennsylvania Dutch and white Barbadian.

Never heard of “Barbadian” before. It’s one letter away from “Barbarian” which is infinitely cooler. I have a lot more German and Irish ancestry thrown in there than Paltrow.

Paltrow’s paternal great-great-grandfather, whose surname was “Paltrowicz,” was a rabbi in Nowogród, Poland. Paltrow has a younger brother, Jake Paltrow, and is a half-cousin of actress Katherine Moennig, and a second cousin of former U.S. Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords (AZ-08).

Whoop-dee-doo… I have an older sister named Lauren and a cousin named Leyna who married a guy whose parents own a few Mr. Softee trucks and another cousin named Susan who married a guy who owned a bar in Baltimore before his business partners screwed him out of it and there are a few other ones out there that have names and did things. So whatever… ‘neth’.

Paltrow was raised in Santa Monica, where she attended Crossroads School, before enrolling in the Spence School, a private girls’ school in New York City.

Here we go…

So, a private girls’ school in NY Cit-tay. Let’s pump the breaks right there… We all know girls who went to private girls schools are nymphomaniacs. Or were nymphomaniacs. I mean we’ve seen that in countless movies and television shows and in our dreams every night from the year 1997-2004. Could she have lost her virginity then? Completely possible.

She could have definitely lost her lesbian virginity. Definitely. That’s possible with all these girls and my own hopes. But I’m thinking this is not an all girls school where there are dorms. I’m not sure there were dorms? I know some people who went to high school in NYC and they definitely didn’t stay in a dorm or anything. So, I feel like she probably wasn’t in a dorm and was more likely living with her parents wherever which is a lot less sexy.

Later, she briefly studied anthropology at the University of California, Santa Barbara, before dropping out to act. She is an “adopted daughter” of Talavera de la Reina (Spain), where at 15 she spent a year as an exchange student and learned to speak Spanish.

BINGO BANGO!

First, did Gwyneth Paltrow refer to herself as the “adopted daughter” of a city in Spain? Can I call a mother of 2 out for being a douchebag? If I can do that then I will. I lived in Philadelphia for 5 years and I don’t call myself the “adopted son” of Philly. Maybe because it doesn’t sound as fancy as Talavera de la Reina, but I bet I know shit ton more about Philly than she does about Talavera de la Reina.

Nevertheless, I do believe this is where a young Gwyneth Paltrow allowed herself to be deflowered for the first time on international soil by a local boy of similar age whose hair was made up of dark curls with eyes that shimmered like polished onyx and whose breath tasted of lime and skin was as warm as a freshly served quesadilla and whose tongue danced with Gwyneth’s as if they were whispering the word “paella” over and over into each other until the sun rise.

Yes! YES! This Casanova of carnitas in the center of Spain coyly watched the angel blanco with flaxen hair they called Gwyneth from a distance as he kicked his futbol ball around the streets below her ivory. He dreamed of her. Imagining she was from a distant planet and how the two would never be able to understand each other. After several months of watching from afar a chance meeting took place when Gwyneth was escorted through the streets to practice the language she had been diligently learning from her books, tutors, and maids.

While on their walk through the marketplace, an errant kick from the boy’s friend of the futbol ball caused the boy to give chase and not mind where he was going and accidentally run into Gwyneth. The escort wanted to have the boy arrested and taken to the jails, but it was Gwyneth who spared him when she saw her own reflection in his bright eyes. Right then, she understood for the first time what all these 1987 classic pop songs like Whitney Houston “I wanna dance with somebody” and Los Lobos re-release of “La Bamba” was all about. What the secret messages of unrequited love meant.

From there, Gwyneth began to sneak out of her home at nights to be with the boy. She began to see the city in a way she had never experienced through her windows or gated garden. Gwyneth tasted foods and listened to music by firelight and felt the wild Earth between her toes and against her fair skin for the first time. It was invigorating, it was raw, and this new desire needed to be satiated.

With “Open Your Heart” by Madonna playing on cassette tape, Gwyneth took the boy to her bed and what transpired did not rob either of their innocence, instead it imbued their innocence everlasting in them to the point that the boy never had sex again and became a priest and explains Gwyneth’s naivete to run a website trying to appeal to the average mother while at the same time telling them to buy $900 throw blankets without a second thought of how fucking ridiculous that is.

At the age of 24, Paltrow was engaged for six months to actor Brad Pitt, whom she dated from December 1994 to June 1997. The engagement was called off, according to Paltrow, because she was not ready for marriage, and she later felt responsible for hurting Pitt since she was “such a mess” during that time in her life. Paltrow has since said that, as this was her first high-profile relationship with another celebrity, it taught her the need for public discretion about her romantic life; she told Biography magazine, “I said things about being in a relationship [with Brad Pitt] that felt wrong to me even as I was saying them.”

OR Paltrow could have lost her virginity to a movie star or something. I doubt she held onto it until 24 and gave it to Brad Pitt on the set of Seven.

Maybe she lost it to Matthew Perry on the set of Deadly Relations in 1993… errr… nah. Nothing against Matthew Perry, but everyone likes to think of him as the living embodiment of as the fictional character he played on Friends, Chandler Bing, but he’s not. “Friends” didn’t start until ’94, so I’m sure Gwyneth probably skipped over Mr. Perry.

Really her first big role was in “Jefferson in Paris”, so I guess there’s a decent enough chance that Nick Nolte or director James Ivory de-virginized her.

Paltrow had an on-off three-year relationship with actor Ben Affleck from 1997 to late 2000. Soon after their breakup, Paltrow persuaded Affleck to work in the film Bounce with her; during the making of the film, which was shot in mid-1999, the couple started dating again and eventually broke up in October 2000.

Well, she didn’t learn too much from her relationship with Pitt when she jumped into another one with Affleck who was a big star at that time. I honestly forgot all about that. Ben Affleck has joked that he hasn’t had many girlfriends and the only ones he’s had are the ones we all know about… the ones we know about are GWYNETH PALTROW and JENNIFER LOPEZ. That’s enough right there, bud.

Anyway… we’re way past the virginity phase of Paltrow’s life. I do have to mention that it’s funny she had to persuade Affleck into make “Bounce” with her. It’s a wildly forgettable movie that someone should have persuaded her to not do. As for Affleck, I mean it’s funny that he had to be “persuaded” considering he was making some really shitty movies during that period of time, so why was he even questioning anything. Seriously, you probably just finished or were in the middle of doing “Reindeer Games” – anything is better than that.

In October 2002, Paltrow met Chris Martin of the British rock group Coldplay backstage three weeks after the death of her father, Bruce Paltrow. They married on December 5, 2003, in a ceremony at a hotel in Southern California. The couple have two children together: Apple Blythe Alison Martin (b. 2004) and Moses Bruce Anthony Martin (b. 2006). Paltrow explained Apple’s very unusual first name on Oprah, saying: “It sounded so sweet and it conjured such a lovely picture for me – you know, apples are so sweet and they’re wholesome and it’s biblical – and I just thought it sounded so lovely and … clean! And I just thought, ‘Perfect!’.” She explained her son’s first name came from the song, titled “Moses”, that her husband wrote for her before their wedding.

“Moses” is not from the Bible? You name your kid Moses and it has no Biblical implications, but Apple does? DOUCHE. Anyway…

Chris Martin famously has stated he didn’t lose his virginity until he was 22.

That would’ve been in 1999 and right before Coldplay’s “Parachutes” debut dropped and I can only assume that he popped his cherry while listening to Sugar Ray or the official soundtrack to Will Smith’s “Wild Wild West”.

Paltrow cut down on work after becoming a mother. She also suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her son, Moses.

Paltrow’s father came from a long line of influential East European rabbis, and that inspired Paltrow to raise her daughter and son in a Jewish environment. Paltrow has stated, “if you could see how much food I make – I am the original Jewish mother”.

Of course, you are. Telling kids they’re a failure because they eat a candy bar is a super Jewish mother move.

Anyway…

So, my final answer is Gwyneth Paltrow lost her virginity to a Spanish streetboy in 1987.

I’m open to the possibility of a drama teacher at the private girls school in the late 80’s or Coolio on the set of “Higher Learning”.

What are your thoughts?

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3 Responses to “When Do You Think GWYNETH PALTROW Lost Her Virginity?”

  1. I’m still hung up on the whole angry blowjob thing. Why? Unless she spitefully uses her teeth… In which case, shame on Chris Martin for constantly falling for that.

  2. PWG said

    I’m thinking she was expecting the Spanish lothario scenario when she picked Spain for her year of foreign high school. But then they watched her like a hawk the whole time and she could never slip away from the watchful duenas but she was telling these elaborate lies to all her celebrity kids Spence friends back home and she couldn’t chance the possibility of someone asking a sex related question that she’d muff a la bags of sand in 40-Year Old Virgin even though that movie hadnt come out yet so she got more and more panicked as the end of the year approached until finally she banged some very startled limo driver en route to the airport to come home.

    I’m at the Philly airport and I really don’t like this place. Sorry if you love Philly.

  3. Kim said

    I def think you’ve missed your calling as a romance writer! Now pass me a cigarette after reading that hot stuff 😉

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