How Much Time Will YOU Spend Watching ABC This Fall?

May 15, 2013

Good day, happy dancers and the other people who look sullen by the side of the dance floor who can’t bring themselves to just LET GO of their inhibitions!

Happy Hump Day to all of you! Whether you dance or not, you like to hump, am I right?

So…. this happened.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/this-is-the-most-epic-brand-meltdown-on-facebook-ever

You probably have already seen that phenomenal technological breakdown of a poor restaurant owning couple on Facebook. It’s magnificent. It’s truly a work of art that belongs in a museum in huge Andy Warhol/tomato soup can sized prints and additionally local actors performing each status update in the center of the room with the episode of Kitchen Nightmares projected on a tower of TV screens. If you haven’t read it then I think you should. I’m hyping it up quite a bit.

I’m also listening to Daft Punk‘s new album right now. It’s free and streaming on iTunes. It’s interesting. I’ve seen people debating whether or not it is “disco”. It is disco. I’ll end that discussion right now… IT’S DISCO! There’s nothing wrong with that either. I think most popular music is more or less disco. Most popular songs on the radio are really just overly complicated disco songs. They follow the same formula as disco. Chick singer, singing about love, but it’s really a dance song… That’s disco. But Daft Punk is specifically more disco because I think it’s actually just trying to be disco. It’s a stripped down version of it all and shamelessly being disco. The single “Get Lucky” would’ve been an enormous disco hit if it existed back then instead of debuting like last week. I haven’t gotten through the whole album – still have 20 minutes left – but I like “Get Lucky” a lot.

So… onto the title of the post.

ABC announced it’s fall line-up. All the networks are doing it and since I spent some time on NBC the other day, I thought I’d give ABC some time as well. Which one is ABC again? That’s the peacock, right? The old peacock ABC! … hmmmm… no that’s NBC. NBC has the peacock. What’s ABC got? Well, CBS is the eternal watching eye of Sauron and FOX is known for having it’s old format of having animals attack things and now they have singing competition shows. The WB was a frog with a top hat, but turned into CW and I’ve never turned that network on again. Hmmmm… so ABC? ABC is just ABC, right? American Broadcast Company. Aren’t they all American? I guess not, right? They’re all rowdy communists and ABC is keeping it capitalist American. Fair enough… so what do they have for us this Fall?

ABC’S NEW FALL SCHEDULE

MONDAY

8:00 p.m. “Dancing with the Stars”

Nope. I think I’ve seen one episode of this show. I watched one of the season finales, but I’m not even sure which one it was. There have been several celebrities – usually athletes – that I’m a fan of that have been on this show and I still haven’t watched, so I doubt I’m going to start watching now. They would really need to change the format of simply ballroom dancing to more “You Got Served” style dancing. That I would watch. I would watch the Hell out of the Lachey brothers serving the Hough duo with a pair of former Pro Bowl wide receivers waiting in the wings.

I’d watch at least another episode.

10:00 p.m. “Castle”

Nope. Never.

My parents watch every network television program ever. I don’t even know how it is possible, but they do. It’s more so my dad watching them and DVRing them and my mom patiently watching them with him and her brain has been fully brain washed into thinking that some are worth continuing to watch. And this is one of the shows they watch… and my mom has actually gotten sick of it, which is saying something.

I’ve caught maybe 5 minutes of the show in total while watching the last few seconds of it on a re-run on TNT before the NBA playoffs start and it looks a lot like a less sexy “Bones”. I don’t watch “Bones”, I don’t watch “Castle”, so I won’t be flipping to ABC on Monday.

TUESDAY

8:00 p.m. “Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.”

I’ll watch at least an episode. I’m fully expecting not to like it. I have this suspicion that since I HATE all of the Marvel movies that feature the S.H.I.E.L.D. characters as regular contributors and the fact that I HATE the S.H.I.E.L.D. characters in general that I’ll probably not be into this show. As far as I’ve seen, the S.H.I.E.L.D. characters are all entirely worthless in Thor, Iron Man, Avengers, et cetera. They’re worthless characters who do nothing and now they’re getting a show. I’ll watch an episode, but I’m not guaranteeing much more than that.

9:00 p.m. “The Goldbergs”

JEWS! Who doesn’t love a good Jew, right? Hunh… Holocaust? Spanish Inquisition? The Bible? Whaaaaaaa?

Anyway, I doubt I’ll like this show. I haven’t seen a trailer, so I’m not sure. I do like Jeff Garlin, but I really enjoy Jeff Garlin on “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and this is not going to be that Jeff Garlin.

9:30 p.m. “Trophy Wife”

This show looks like a repositioning of the actors from “Modern Family”. Hot blonde with hot legs, hot Hispanic chick with a chubby boy child, and a few other good looking women then a stupid white son who has a similarly sized sister who is probably smart, but we’ve lost Ed O’Neill and the funny gay couple… unless Michaela and Marcia are lesbians… hmmm… Anyway…

I don’t know. It doesn’t look that interesting. I feel like I’m going to give this Tuesday line-up a shot for at least one week and then probably give up on everyone of these shows a week or two later.

10:00 p.m. “Lucky 7”

It’s interesting because it’s a drama. I haven’t watched the trailer for this either, but it someways it sounds like the plot of “Windfall” which I never watched nor cared to and disappeared pretty quickly. It’s about a group of people working at a menial job where they win the lottery.

So, comic book sci-fi to two family comedies to ensemble drama? Random Tuesday night of TV. SO MANY FEELINGS!

WEDNESDAY

8:00 p.m. “The Middle”

Hate.

8:30 p.m. “Back in the Game”

Sounds like a less interesting TV show version of that Clint Eastwood movie with Amy Adams “Trouble with the Curve”. I doubt I’ll be a regular viewer.

9:00 p.m. “Modern Family”

Yep.

Still a great show. It has some off weeks, but usually they’re quite good. Ty Burrell is always great and the kids have become really great as well. The show has a solid formula and strong enough characters to do many seasons to come.

9:30 p.m. “Super Fun Night”

Well… I wanted to see this show. It sounds decent enough with Rebel Wilson and her friends wanting to blow out their weekend partying to make up for having jobs during the week. I didn’t watch the trailer, but I’ve seen some talk saying that it is pretty paint-by-numbers stuff and focused a lot on making weight jokes about Rebel. Sweet. I’ll give it a watch, but if that’s the case that it is bad then I’ll probably just start DVRing “Modern Family” and watching something else entirely on Tuesdays.

10:00 p.m. “Nashville”

Nerp.

THURSDAY

8:00 p.m. “Once Upon a Time in Wonderland”

Strike 1.

9:00 p.m. “Grey’s Anatomy”

Strike 2.

10:00 p.m. “Scandal”

Strike 3.

YOU’RE OUT, ABC! Caught you looking, motherfucker!

So, I won’t be turning on ABC on Wednesdays.

FRIDAY

8:00 p.m. “Last Man Standing”

Noooooooo.

8:30 p.m. “The Neighbors”

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

9:00 p.m. “Shark Tank”

Not a bad show, but I don’t watch it. I was watching it kind of consistently when I first started dating _dharv. I would drive up to her place on a Friday and spend the weekend. Friday was usually spent with us catching up in person at her place while Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune were on. And then “Shark Tank” would come on at 8pm. We would usually catch some of it before going out and eating at a bar and then seeing a movie. Simpler times, am I right?

We actually tried to go see “The Great Gatsby” last night, but got REJECTED. First time that happened in awhile. Apparently, the 8:10 2D showing was what everyone was aiming for and we didn’t expect that. Whatevs. Better luck next week.

10:00 p.m. “20/20”

Haven’t watched “20/20” in years. My parents used to watch it all the time and thus my childhood was spent watching it. All I have to say about that is…

FUCK YOU, JOHN STOSSEL! I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL!

SATURDAY

8:00 p.m. “Saturday Night College Football”

Meh.

SUNDAY

7:00 p.m. “America’s Funniest Home Videos”

Eesh.

8:00 p.m. “Once Upon a Time”

Gah.

9:00 p.m. “Revenge”

Fart.

10:00 p.m.“Betrayal”

Never.

SO!!!!

Monday is 0 time. Tuesday is a possible 3 hours the first week and a possible 0 hours from then on. Wednesday is a guaranteed half hour with an additional half hour the first week and possibly never again. Thursday and Friday are big fat ZEROES. Saturday is a possible if I for whatever reason feel the need to watch college football on a Saturday night, which happens like once a year. And Sunday is a NOPE.

The grand total of time is????????

4 fours of television watching the first week…

1/2 hour of guaranteed television watching the following week…

WOW!

I was honestly expecting a lot more than that.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Seriously? A half-hour and you’re ABC?! Fucking unbelievable.

ABC is in 4th place right now and has been for the past year and a half or so. They cancelled the best show they had which was “Happy Endings” and I was a fan of “Don’t Trust the B- in Apartment 23” and I did watch “Cougartown” for a period of time. I get that “Suburgatory” will be around whenever it is scheduled to come back, but wowzers. A half-hour? That’s it.

So, are you more or less than a half-hour of TV watching on ABC?

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2 Responses to “How Much Time Will YOU Spend Watching ABC This Fall?”

  1. PWG said

    That was an epic meltdown. I enjoyed that very much, even watched the 20 minute episode, which was awesome. I always thought a good way to spend your days after a lottery win would be to go get hired at a business with terrible, shitty bosses like this. And then just undermine them subtly at first, then with increasing vigor until you end your last shift shouting at them in front of the other employees all Norma Rae-like, telling them to go fuck themselves.

    You know, as kind of a morale booster for the people who need the job and can’t do it themselves. That’s the kind of rich philanthropist lottery winner I’d be, if the gods are reading this and support that kind of mischief.

  2. PWG said

    Less. Less than half an hour of that is what I’ll be watching.

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