MAD MEN Jumped The Shark and 2012 BILLBOARD MUSIC AWARDS Blue Carpet

May 20, 2013

Howdee, cowgirls and reverse cowgirls!

Before we get to Mad Men or the rest of the TV shows I watched Sunday night…

The Billboard Music Awards were last night and while they do technically have a “blue carpet” for the celebrities to walk out on and show off their butts on, there is a good chance it is speckled in red… BLOOD! The BLOOD of the PEOPLE who ATTENDED the EVENT!

KA-CHOP!

Somewhere between Madonna’s pretentious speech as if anyone has cared for a second what she’s thought this millennium and Kid Rock patting himself on the back about not lip-synching and Justin Bieber getting booed… MIGUEL SNAPPED and ATTACKED THE AUDIENCE with LUCHA LIBRE GUILLOTINE LEG DROPS!

Unbelievable! Whatever is going on in this gif outside of seemingly attempted 3rd degree murder, it was better than half of the TV I watched last night.

Explanations for what is happening here with Miguel:

1. Miguel completely overestimated how far and how high he can fly because of R. Kelly.

2. The friction of the public’s hands slapping against Miguel’s crotch slowed and changed his trajectory.

3. Miguel’s skinny jeans got vindictive and forced him into the possible lawsuit inducing crash landing.

4. Miguel hated that bitch and was on a mission to end her life via a professional wrestling move, seemingly, former member of the tag team the New Age Outlaws, Bad Ass Billy Gunn’s finisher the FameAsser.

And in honor of B.A. Billy Gunn, I’VE GOT TWO WORDS FOR “MAD MEN”!

SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!

Game of Thrones was ok last night. I wasn’t too into that episode. Mostly because of the casting choice for Daario. And, really all of those sellsword guys. “British Barbarian” is not a thing. If you’re going to have an British accent that sounds akin to Hugh Grant’s then you have trouble passing as an uneducated viking who rapes and pillages for the highest bidder. But Daario’s look and voice both sucked. Daario is supposed to look like Khal Drogo but sweeter and I guess you could argue that this guy does, but he also doesn’t look like a bad ass. He looked like there was a higher percentage chance he would give his enemies pedicures to death than actually strike them with a sword. And his voice was super creepy and sounded like it had been overdubbed. Anyway… did not like him.

I also don’t like the casting of Gendry at all. Melisandre is OK to a degree. It might be the costume department’s fault more than anything because the woman is supposed to be a sex goddess and she walks around in an over-sized stuffy bathrobe. Stannis is supposed to have long hair and look colder – like meaner. Davos is cast well. But the best part of the episode being the sex/blood-letting part of the episode felt super marred by the odd casting choices.

“VEEP” IS THE BEST SHOW ON TV! I have no doubt that “Arrested Development” will completely out do the hype behind it’s new season on Netflix later this month, but I will say that “Veep” is giving it a run for its money. AD is the best, but Veep is getting there. I don’t know why people are not watching it with the same fervor they’ve watched other shows and I’m specifically thinking of people who loved “30 Rock”. Female centric show with a cast of characters around her built around their topsy turvy job. I will say this without a second of hesitation – it’s better than 30 Rock ever was. The funniest moments on 30 Rock came from Dean Winters to begin with. WATCH “VEEP”!

The Family Tree was fucking funny last night. I had just told a friend on Saturday night that I wasn’t into the first episode, but I do hate origin stories, so I thought it could have promise. And the fucking episode nailed that prophecy. Last night’s episode had me crying with laughter twice. I’m really looking forward to the rest of the show’s season. As for origin stories, it’s that 99% of the time they feel clumsy and forced… and usually you already know it going into the movie or TV show because it’s been advertised. Books are similar as well considering you have the origin story summarized on usually the back or the jacket and then you need to sit through 100 pages of origin before you get into the actual book. Either way, last night’s episode was excellent.

MAD MEN sucked. Minus the song and (tap) dance routine from Ken Cosgrove – the rest of the episode was pretty stupid. Specifically, anything that had to do with Don and/or his progeny. The stuff with Don being all strung out for the first time for one lady’s poon because she’s got a beauty mark similar to the beauty mark having prostitute who deflowered Don when he grew up during Civil War times was stupid. All of that was stupid. All the flashbacks were stupid, all the everything with Don was stupid. Then there was the robbery…

After a few un-needed scenes of everyone staring at the naked legs of 13 year old Sally Draper, they had Sally get robbed by Mrs. Buttersworth while wearing lingerie. Sally was wearing the lingerie; not Mrs. Buttersworth. This was without a doubt the worst series of scenes ever done by Mad Men coming hot off the tails of the worst scenes they have ever done with Betty earlier in the season cooking stew for squatters in New York City trying to find some girl who ran away that we had never previously met. Oh yeah, and there was that time when Betty said that her husband should have sex with that girl while she held her down moments prior.

Whatever Mad Men was supposed to be, it got sidetracked from. Immediately. The first season is nothing like the following seasons… except for this season and that’s why they need to stop. The first season was the worst and this season is the worst. The middle seasonS were better in many aspects, but their negatives are that it’s kind of the same song and dance as Teflon Don has sex with whoever he wants, gets away with it, moves on, and blah blah blah. This season they’re trying to get back to the show’s roots of shitty flashbacks about Don’s childhood which no one cares about. This season has also been more Don centric and they have no idea what they want to do with him.

Last night’s episode felt so much like The Sopranos where a show that was good at one time has created characters they really don’t want to change out of fear and have instead retreated to whatever this slop is that is on TV. It was stupid.

ANYWAY…

So, Miguel killed someone at the Billboard Music Awards. Instead of rehashing that… let’s show some pictures and quickly criticize them…

CELEBRITY BLUE CARPET: LIGHTNING ROUND!

That’s very nice Selena, you look very Miami.

Now, can we see your butt?

WHY THANK YOU!

Honestly, we need to start doing that in our own lives. If you’re taking pictures of your friends when you’re out or having a party or at a wedding or something… get the front normal shot and then make them do the over the shoulder sly looking shot that is really just a glorified ass shot.

Seriously, if someone in Hollywood wasn’t already thinking about casting a Jennifer Lopez as Selena Gomez’s MILF mom then I think they just had the idea incepted after seeing those back-to-back pictures. It would be pretty perfect…

Obviously, J. Lo is a single mom/divorced mom/widow or something. And Selena is trying to get her mom hooked up with some new guy. She transforms her mom with her mom knowing back into the scantily clad 40+ year old women J. Lo is showing us in this picture.

She is crazy. And, according to Maxim, the hottest chick alive or this year or alive or something.

I sometimes forget that she was Hannah Montana and then I remember that and I think about how much being a mega famous kid must fuck with your fucking brain so much. Kids are nuts to begin with… add in mega famousness.

Taylor Swift looks like a sexy robot here. Very metallic. I think there are two ideas circulating (or in my head) about what Taylor Swift is like:

1. A live-action Disney Princess who when she gets emotional (which is all the time) she actually breaks into song and talks to animals.

2. Robot with piercing cat eyes who is actually overcompensating for how unemotional she is.

Either way, Taylor Swift’s dress needs to be about 12 inches shorter if it were to compare to either Sally Draper or Megan from Mad Men’s outfits last night.

Chris Brown is legitimately crazy.

He is an actual crazy person.

This is what a crazy person looks like.

If you are looking at this picture – whether you know or don’t know who Chris Brown is – and you do not recognize that this is a crazy person then you should head to your doctor and get checked for Asperger’s or Autism or both or something stronger.

Kelly Rowland always looks great.

I think she generally would look great, but I really think it’s the chip on her shoulder about how Beyonce became BEYONCE!!!!!!! and Kelly is just Kelly.

I don’t know who Kelly’s stylist is, but she does a much better job than whomever is Kelly’s songwriter.

Speaking as an obscenely pale individual, Carly Rae Jepsen is frighteningly pale.

Either she’s a vampire or Canadian or a Canadian vampire… she’s as white as the background!

Also, is she still famous?

Nicki Minaj is also a crazy person. You should be able to recognize that as well.

It’s not that Nicki doesn’t want to be at this awards show, it’s that she doesn’t know where she is nor why she’s doing what she’s doing, but she knows that she has to show off the dress that someone else physically dressed her in without her say so.

I do not know who Jennifer Nettles is, but check out the Nettles on her! AM I RIGHT?!

Wooooo, I bet those boobs sing so well.

If I could do that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind mind erasing technique on my future, it would be to never see these two or hear anything about them or from them for the rest of my life.

I didn’t realize that was Shania Twain.

I did think it was a sexy lady auditioning for the role of Hera in the next Clash of the Titans movie.

This is why I don’t watch these shows.

It’s also a good reason for us to fire whoever is at fault for anything related to this happening.

If I had never seen these three idiots before then it would take a lot of convincing on someone’s part to get me to not think that was Horatio Sanz, Andy Samberg, and some chick performing an elaborate prank on the Billboard Music show.

Not to sound cruel, but it doesn’t even matter who this woman is… she’s giving us boobs and a dog and that’s really more than enough.

PROCREATING!

Not to say it’s impossible or anything for these two to have a normal kid, but there are many beloved celebrities who have really shitty kids and these two are far from beloved, so… it could get really bad really early.

Why not.

If we were ever wondering who would fair better between Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy, I think it’s pretty clear it will be and already is Jenny.

Pamela’s a few years older than Jenny, but I think Jenny has taken the prize. It will need to be an extremely rough next few years for Jenny to lose this lead on Pam.

I’d watch a TV show based on this picture.

I would easily watch a full season of television based on this picture of David Guetta and Akon rather than anything that NBC, CBS, and/or ABC is bringing new to their networks.

I don’t know who this is… I also don’t think that qualifies as actual clothing.

Are we now classifying Frederick’s of Hollywood as a “clothing store”? I’m pretty sure anything piece of “clothing” that is expected to get cum stains on it is really not appropriate attire for the outside world.

I do and don’t know who Ariana Grande is.

I do know that guys on internet forums lust after her and make endless amount of gifs of her. I also know that she’s on a kids TV show whose writers miraculous figure out a way to not so subtlety sexualize her more so than Alison Brie is on Community.

I think she’s on Victoria Justice’s show, but I’m not exactly sure of that. I have no idea what the plot of these shows are, but there are about a million gifs from a million different episodes of whatever show she’s on where she is wearing Daisy Duke shorts and a tank top and she’s being hosed down with water, cream, and/or a goo. Also, there’s another billion gifs of her eating lollipops or icepops or something that is phallic.

No idea, but G-MEN BABY! YEAH, GO GIANTS!

This guy looks like a tool.

And last but not least…

THIS KID!

This kid who I have absolutely no idea who he is and I can only assume is the product of nepotism.

Congratulations, ride those connections, kid. Ride ’em.

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!

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2 Responses to “MAD MEN Jumped The Shark and 2012 BILLBOARD MUSIC AWARDS Blue Carpet”

  1. blizznick said

    Isn’t that Hermey, the elf who wants to be a dentist from “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?”

  2. PWG said

    I like to imagine which award show person would make the best fairy godmother/godfather.

    Minaj would obviously fuck up whatever you asked for but this year I think you’d have a solid chance with Shania Twain.

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