How Many 60 Year Old Men Would You Have Sex With?

May 21, 2013

What. UP?!

I think the title speaks for itself.

I made reference to the “List of Men Over 60 Years Old I Think Women Would F@#K” and by “F@#K” I meant have vaginal intercourse with. It is easily one of the seminal and decrepit semen filled lists of our collective time.

And, I thought I would take a look at who is turning 60 this year as an arbitrary and possible update to the list. Every year more and more men turn 60 years old. Maybe not more than the year before, but there is always another batch of 60 year old men you could catch a batch of no doubt infertile baby batter from.

We can debate this to the end of time, who is or is not still fuckable? And I’m ready to help with a list of men who are turning 60 in 2013 – mostly actors – that could very well still GET IT. You know… like catching some strange ____ on their greased up _____ .

Before I get to that, do we call old people “bluebirds”? I feel like we should.



Hulk Hogan


Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for a better guy to be turning 60 for me to write about this list again. WE JUST WATCHED HIM HAVE SEX! I mean that’s something else right there. If you’re thinking about banging a guy – which you are – and you’re curious about what you’re getting yourself into then OF COURSE it would be your best option to watch their unofficial sextape. AM I RIGHT?!

Well, for one, we know that Hulk is not just an affectionate term about his enormous steroid addled biceps. ALSO, you now know that the steroids didn’t shrivel any of the python in his pants. What I’m saying is Hulk is packing a Hulk dong. So, I guess that’s great. I mean I can’t think of anything a woman would want more than a 60 year old man’s erect penis and for it to be enormous.

As far as his loving skills, well, we know that he’s still up to the task even if he’s eaten way too much Mexican food only minutes earlier. That’s a plus I think. He’s always up to perform seemingly.

Pierce Brosnan

James Bond, right? I mean it’s probably the same having sex with him now than just shy of 20 years ago when he was Bond. It’s probably the exact same minus Pierce wearing an extra amount of cologne to hide his old man’s skin smell. But I bet he can work himself into that unnatural oily Irish tan of his.

Just imagine Pierce inside you, his member piercing into your open vagina while running his fingers through your hair and reciting everyone’s favorite quotes from Dante’s Peak. Magical.

John Malkovich

Definitely not for everyone, but I think that’s always been his thing.

I’ll tell you what, if you were willing to have sex with John Malkovich in the mid to late 90’s then you should be still down for it now. I mean he looks pretty similar ever since he shaved it all off… up top. I don’t know what’s going on down below. I’d say 50/50 shot he’s as bald as an eagle or got a mini afro down there. Who is to say… possibly you if you’re into having sex with James Carville’s more handsome brother.

Ciaran Hinds

Great voice. Another Irishman. He’s got a full head of hair, a strong chin, penetrating eyes, and I would imagine he smells of leather and Fall spice. Like an Autumn Yankee Candle that’s been left in the care of a Harley Davidson clothing store. That’s sexy, right?

Tony Shaloub

I mean… you’d probably have to be a HUGE fan of “Monk”.

Tim Allen

A big fan of “Home Improvement” and I assume you’re watching “Last Man Standing” and just thinking to yourself over and over again how lucky that bitch Nancy Travis is.

I saw Tim Allen once in person. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a button down shirt that seemed to be made by Affliction like there were crosses and skulls on it. His hair also seemed to have frosted tips. How wet does that get you?!

Jim Jarmusch

I’m sure Jim cleans up in Brooklyn.

Outside of Brooklyn? Not so much.

David Morse

Seriously, I think he’s quite the catch. Tall, working actor, kind of looks the same always. So, if you’ve been into getting David Morse into you at anytime over the past 20 years then he’s still a perfectly viable sexual candidate. I mean minus the fact that he’s been married for 31 years.

Actually, that’s perfect. After 31 years of marriage, they’re probably good and ready for a threesome.

Bill Pullman

Who are you kidding? If Bill can still nail that Independence Day speech – which I bet he can – you’d be fucking him for not only America, but for all mankind faster than you can say “nuke the bastards”.

Ron Jeremy

I’m not sure anyone really WANTS to have sex with Ron Jeremy, but plenty will.

Colm Meany

You’re probably a Trekkie and, specifically, a NEXT GENERATION Trekkie who wants Colm Meany’s DEEP in your SPACE … something NINE. I mean I guess I could have said that Colm has a 9 incher, but I’m not about false advertising. I provide facts and facts only.

I’ve heard he’s the second most generous lover from the “Con-Air” cast. Only second to John Malkovich. John Cusack? Not so generous.

William Petersen

You know?! The guy from CSI.

Eh, someone would fuck him.

Tim Gunn

I know he’s gay, but that only makes him that much more fuckable.

Women would and I would easily guess have tried to fuck Tim Gunn as an unbalanced trade for fashion tips or at the very least a card of a dressmaker.

Michael Bolton

TOTALLY! You know it. I know it. There are a lot of women who would take Mike’s bolt.

Chuck Zito

Chuck is for a specific type, but I think biker chicks is a sub-genre that we shouldn’t look passed.

Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman

As I was just saying… there are some hard looking women out there that would go to work on Dog.

Ken Burns

There are women out there that would fuck the shit out of Ken Burns’ Asian school boy haircut.

He would take wonderful black and white stills of the sex and then pan over them and narrate the action. It would be magnificent.

Dennis Miller

Eh, I guess.

I haven’t found Dennis Miller funny in 15 years? 18 years? It’s been awhile. I used to watch his HBO show when I was a kid. I think I liked it because he made fun of people and cursed and he rambled and ranted like he knew what he was talking about. Also, he laughs at his own jokes almost more than the crowd does, but you know how you laugh when other people laugh.

Anyway, he still looks like Dennis Miller from a decade ago, so if you liked how he looked then…

Geddy Lee

If you play bass then I’m guessing there’s a solid chance you’d let Slytherin wizard Geddy Lee get in there.

Cornel West

I throw West in there because I’m a huge fan of a lot of his works.

I don’t really think anyone finds him sexually attractive. I’ll be honest about that.

He’s remarkably crazy looking. He looks more like a Charlie Chan character or a Halloween costume than anything else.

He is brilliant or can be brilliant – but he looks like the love child of David Letterman and a werewolf.

In conclusion, you’re spank bank is full, right?

7 Responses to “How Many 60 Year Old Men Would You Have Sex With?”

  1. PWG said

    I have never wanted to fuck Pierce Brosnan less in my life. Curse you, demon wordsmith.

    I think you were obligated to post current pictures of these men. I had to go shatter my own illusions in another tab by looking up Bill Pullman. That was Bill Pullman in “While You Were Sleeping”, not “Independence Day” but now it’s ixnay on the whole thing.

    David Morse is still on the table.

    Poetry: “Like an Autumn Yankee Candle that’s been left in the care of a Harley Davidson clothing store.”

  2. tiffanized said

    ON IT: Brosnan, Shaloub, Pullman, Peterson.

    SUPER ON IT: Cornel West. I fell in love with him while watching a documentary where he was riding in a car around a city talking philosophy.


    The rest I either would not be on or I don’t know who they are, and yet I doubt they have any trouble with teh wimmen.

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