Who wants to see a SIXquel this weekend?! “The Fast and the Furious” Series RECAP

May 23, 2013

Good afternoon, nipples! Everyone’s got ’em!

This weekend the sixth movie in the The Fast and the Furious franchise is opening. Are you excited?

Generally speaking, this car porn disguised heist film series has had much success in total even if the even numbered sequels have bee big misses in comparison to the to odd numbered ones. But the series’ last movie, #5, was a resounding success that has not only warranted this 6th venture, but supposedly an already set 7th and 8th. So, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are not going ANYWHERE! Walker’s been riding this gravy train since the beginning and Diesel figured out what side of his bread is buttered – if you know what I mean with that bread/butter analogy.

ANYWHOZZLE!

The 6th is opening this weekend and I firmly believe you do not have to see any of the previous F&F movies to get yourself ready to see any of the other F&F movies. If you feel like watching the 3rd, you don’t need to see 1 or 2. If you feel like watching the 5th then you don’t need to see 1-4. The enjoyment of the movies is not based on the plot or the storyline or the characters even. It’s based on shit exploding, cars doing very fast car things, cars doing things you wouldn’t normally think of a car doing, and there’s usually a pretty girl in a bikini or a muscly shirtless dude every 10 minutes at the very least. Basically, if you can sit through a commercial for any of the F&F movies and think, “OK, I’d watch that” then you can sit through the entire movie because it is basically a feature length musical montage with a tiny bit more dialogue than there is in any given commercial.

BUT… BUTT… BUT!!!!!!!

I don’t want to make it sound like there isn’t a plot or storyline or anything. THERE IS A TON OF PLOT. I mean a literal fuck ton of plot. Probably too much plot. There’s a nonsensical amount of plot with twists and turns and reveals and so forth, especially for a movie that by and large is an elaborate car commercial for 18-24 year olds or whenever you logically grow out of that phase where you don’t want a spoiler on your car or shiny hubcaps or a car with twin mufflers that cost more than the car itself.

So, let’s take a look back at the unbelievable – meant in the classic sense that they are not believable – plots of the F&F movies.

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS (2001)

Los Angeles street racer Dominic Toretto falls under the suspicion of the LAPD as a string of high-speed electronics truck robberies rocks the area. Brian O’Connor, an officer of the LAPD, joins the ranks of Toretto’s highly skilled racing crew undercover to convict Toretto. However, O’Connor finds himself both enamored with this new world and in love with Toretto’s sister, Mia. As a rival racing crew gains strength, O’Connor must decide where his loyalties really lie.

This is where it all started in an idealistic pre-9/11 America.

The movie is more or less a ripoff of Point Break where a young/reckless and, of course, handsome cop goes undercover in Los Angeles to break up a local criminal enterprise. Once inside the group, he falls in love with a chick from within the group and bromances the shit out of the charismatic leader. Paul Walker is that cop (Keanu), Jordana Brewster is the chick (Lori Petty), and the alpha male with attitude is Vin Diesel (SWAYZE!). Instead of robbing banks, it has to do with stolen cars and some such. BUT! The makers of F&F were not comfortable with that being the ENTIRE plot – NO! In fact, there is an entire second plot to the movie that has to do with Asians. Lots of ’em. Asians who are constantly butting heads with Vin Diesel, so much so that Paul Walker is like, “I’ve got to help Vin Diesel because these Asians are so annoying!” That’s that movie.

I would say my big critique of this original movie is that there really isn’t a ton of car racing in the movie. There’s more talking about racing or racing past than there is actual racing. The movie is about stealing cars, it’s about Paul Walker growing a vagina and falling in love with Jordana Brewster, and it’s about ASIANS. Honestly, Paul Walker is highly unprofessional in this movie and would be fired immediately from my police force. Seriously, you go into the field undercover for like a lunch break and you fall in love with the guy you’re tracking’s sister. Super amateur, Walker. Super amateur.

Also, Vin Diesel might as well be an immortal and/or at the very least be acknowledged for having super powers. Why would someone who steals cars and races cars need to be the strongest, most powerful street fighter in the world – no one will ever know. Why does a shape-shifting high schooler who becomes a wolf become incredible at basketball? What game is Stiles having the people in the whip cream and handcuffs play at that high school keg party? We’ll never fucking know!

2 FAST 2 FURIOUS (2003)

Brian O’Conner has left LA due to his illegal actions from the first movie and now soars the streets of Miami making money here and there by street racing. Watched by Customs Agent Monica Fuentes, Brian is caught by the police and is given a deal by Agent Markham and Bilkins to go undercover and try to bring down drug lord Carter Verone in exchange for his criminal record to be erased. Brian agrees but only if he is given permission to choose his partner. Brian heads home to Barstow, California where he recruits an old friend Roman Pearce to help him. Pearce agrees but only for the same deal Brian was offered. With the help of Monica, Brian and Rome work together to take down Verone.

You may have noticed a complete lack of Vin Diesel – well, Diesel in real life thought he was too big for these movies and decided to become a big Hollywood actor instead. So, we get two black people for the price of one and are introduced to Ludacris and Tyrese.

Basically, the Miami PD is lawless AND can give anyone an immunity deal for just about anything. It’s really good to know. If you’re too illegal for LA then you’re just legal enough for Miami. FUCK YEAH! That should’ve been the catchphrase for this fucking movie, woooo!!! Anyway, the movie follows easily the least likable character in the first movie – Paul Walker – to Miami to do what he did in the first movie, but this time with Tyrese as his +1. The bad guy in the movie is not pictured on the poster, which kind of shows how little thought they put into the bad guy character – he is played by Cole Hauser if you want to keep track.

More or less, this movie is bad remake of the first one. It’s got a happier-go-luckier tone with Tyrese being a jokey sidekick as well as Ludacris. There’s a lot of bickering in this movie and there’s a severe lack of badassness without Vin Diesel throwing haymakers every 15 minutes. The addition of Eva Mendes is nice, but is really non-essential and there to put a sexy, sympathetic face of the police. It’s also a way to shoe horn in a female character considering they don’t have Michelle Rodriguez or Jordana Brewster in this movie either. They add Devon Aoki for no reason at all except for her in a bikini I think at one point and her being on the poster is more confusing than anything.

The end is pretty much what a commercial for matchbox cars looks like. Definitely a skippable movie.

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT (2006)

Sean Boswell, who has always been an outsider. A loner at school, his only connection to the indifferent world around him is through illegal street racing — which has made him particularly unpopular with the local authorities. To avoid jail time, Sean is sent out of the country to live with his Farther in the military, in a cramped apartment in a low-rent section of Tokyo. In the land that gave birth to the majority of modified racers on the road, the simple street race has been replaced by the ultimate pedal-to-the-metal, gravity-defying automotive challenge … drift racing, a deadly combination of brutal speed on heart stopping courses of hairpin turns and switchbacks. For his first unsuccessful foray in drift racing, Sean unknowingly takes on D.K., the “Drift King,” with ties to the Yakuza, the Japanese crime machine. The only way he can pay off the debt of his loss is to venture into the deadly realm of the Tokyo underworld, where the stakes are life and death.

Let’s just say, Paul Walker wasn’t cutting it. This third movie is a disguised reboot of the series with none of the original characters and set in Japan with an entirely new idea to what this movie franchise should be about. This movie may seem like a complete shock to the system and ultimately random to everything else before it – it is actually about RACING CARS. It’s not about heists or undercover cops. It’s actually about racing your car against another car. I’d guess that’s what most people would have thought all these movies were about and yet this is the only one that is actually about that. There are instances in the other movies of car racing, but they’re not integral to the story and what they really add is actually a deterrent to what the eventual real story is about. Anyway…

The quarterback from “Friday Night Lights” the movie takes his Southern accent to Japan to outrun the law seemingly because there’s no extradition treaty between local Alabama police and the Land of the Rising Sun. It’s a classic fish out of water story! From there, the QB gets involved in the exact same activity that got him sent to Japan. But it’s not just street racing… it’s DRIFTING, which is very easy to make fun of. I won’t lie it is pretty watching those cars slide sideways for whatever reason.

As far as storylines go, this one is fairly succinct with the idea that he ends up offending the wrong people in the illegal drifting circuit and has to drift race them to win his freedom. The movie makes little to no sense outside of that. There’s plenty of people who die in these races and there’s a lot of leeway about how powerful the Yakuza is in stopping the police from carrying out their job as police and arresting people who are causing vehicular homicides and property destruction all over the capital city of Japan.

The movie ends in a terrible and hilarious drift race down a mountain that is supposed to kill just about everyone who makes the drive down it. It really begs the question as to why the road of this mountain was ever created to begin with and why would the people at the top or the bottom attempt to get to the other ever.

Regardless, they do race and a huge mob of youngsters with camera phones all linked to a temporary wifi network record the race on their phones and are live streaming for everyone else to see. While a phone does not both simultaneously record, stream, and watch another stream – there’s plenty more to pick at besides all of that. One thing that is remarkably ridiculous is that all these people willing choose to stand along the race route to record/stream this for other people to see the action… a race route that is known to have a 100% kill function. WHY WOULD YOU STAND ANYWHERE NEAR WHERE THE CARS ARE GOING? Everyone knows that they’re all going to flip or go out of control at some point.

Either way, only one character from this film series appears in the rest and he’s not one of the mains.

I completely forgot to mention that Bow Wow is in this movie. BOW WOW!

FAST & FURIOUS (2009)

When Dominic Toretto is informed that his beloved Letty was assassinated, he returns to Los Angeles to find the murderer. Meanwhile, his former friend and FBI agent Brian Conner is assigned to capture the mysterious drug lord Braga that is looking for replacement drivers, working undercover as his courier, driving from Mexico to USA through the desert. Dom discovers that Letty was working as a courier for Braga when she was killed and he decides to join his gang to find the killer. Their lives entwine substantiating their friendship and Brian dates Mia Toretto again. But they need to find the true identity of Braga.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… and Brian dates Mia Toretto again! HAHAHAHAH!

That dude is so unprofessional. Jeez, Walker keep your tween girl drama in your pants for ONE MINUTE. Like the description says, Walker and Diesel are back and so are Brewster and Rodriguez (at least for a little bit). One would think that Walker’s very particular set of skills of driving cars and acting like a guy who drives cars wouldn’t get him many high profile jobs  – YOU’D BE DEAD WRONG. He’s gainfully employed once again now with the FBI and this time Vin Diesel is also going undercover pretending to be something he’s not. There’s a lot of bickering between Vin and Paul about that. Oh, so now you’re undercover! I guess it’s ok to be undercover when you’re undercover! There’s a lot of that.

There’s also just a lot of Paul Walker and Vin Diesel. The movie is so much about the two of them and their actions that it’s really suffocating. It’s like enough and get gay or whatever, but introduce a character that does something instead of just talk to you two dolts.

The movie is full of twists and turns and reveals. In the end, Vin Diesel pulls an “I’m too old for this shit” and is arrested by the cops. Of course, this leads to an epilogue where Walker quits the FBI and gets Diesel’s crew together to bust Diesel out of jail. Thus setting up the 5th movie…

FAST &FURIOUS 5 (2011)

Former cop Brian O’Conner partners with ex-con Dom Toretto on the opposite side of the law. Since Brian and Mia Toretto broke Dom out of custody, they’ve blown across many borders to elude authorities. Now backed into a corner in Rio de Janeiro, they must pull one last job in order to gain their freedom. As they assemble their elite team of top racers, the unlikely allies know their only shot of getting out for good means confronting the corrupt businessman who wants them dead. But he’s not the only one on their tail. Hard-nosed federal agent Luke Hobbs never misses his target. When he is assigned to track down Dom and Brian, he and his strike team launch an all-out assault to capture them. But as his men tear through Brazil, Hobbs learns he can’t separate the good guys from the bad. Now, he must rely on his instincts to corner his prey… before someone else runs them down first.

As mentioned, the 2nd and the 4th are easily the worst of the movies. So much so, that the franchise had to be rebooted after the one and had to add The Rock to save it in the other’s case.

The 5th movie is easily the best of the series in that it’s got by far the best action scenes. Aside from that, the storyline makes no sense and almost everything that happens in the movie is pretty worthless because the end is just a big cluster fuck.

As the summary stolen from IMDB suggests – there’s a lot happening, but you can boil it down to that Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are in Brazil and decide to rob the Brazilian police who for whatever reason have like a billion dollars in cash in a safe in their police station. The Rock is sent from the good ole’ U.S. of A. as an asskicking extradition treaty to recover Vin and Paul, but he too falls for the dastardly duo. The Rock does catch Vin and Paul and their crew of miscellaneous cast members from the previous movies and he’s about to escort them back to America when the bad Brazilians decide to attack The Rock instead of letting him go. This results in The Rock’s coppers dying and Vin and Paul saving The Rock’s life. Which The Rock in turn helps them steal all of the Brazilians’ money.

Also, The Rock is kind of convinced to help them because the one local law enforcement officer whose name should be either THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD or WAY TOO GOOD LOOKING TO BE PUT IN A JOB WHERE ONE RISKS THEIR LIFE played by Elsa Pataky who falls in love with Vin Diesel in a heterosexual way.

So, Paul and Vin come up with these different ways to steal the money and all of it is for naught because none of them work. Thankfully, the shit with The Rock happens because The Rock will just help them bulldoze into the police station and steal the money by force. This results in one of the more outrageous action scenes ever constructed as Paul Walker and Vin Diesel drive two cars that are connected to the bank vault by a steal cable. They are driving around crazily with a huge multi ton back vault spinning around behind them seemingly destroying everything in Brazil including human beings. They had to have killed hundreds of people with the spinning back vault just skipping around behind their cars.

In the end, Vin and Paul pull a fast one on the Rock and get away with the REAL vault and dump a dubious vault in The Rock’s hands. Vin and Paul get all the money because they can crack the vault with the hand print of the bad guy which they got when he grabbed one of their crew member’s butt. One of their crew members is a leggy model. She actually is way more helpful than the rest of them. She also knows about guns.

Anyway, Vin ends up with Elsa and his share of money while Paul is still bone-zoning Vin’s sister Jordana with his money. And the leggy model is fucking while driving the Asian guy, which could turn into a sequel of David Cronenberg’s “Crash”. While, Tyrese and Ludacris and blah blah blah… you get it. Happily every after – exactly like the end of all the “Ocean’s 11” movies. It’s actually very similar to “Ocean’s 12” but better because Elsa is hot and Vin fights The Rock.

Finally… what’s coming out this weekend…

FAST & FURIOUS 6 (2013)

Since Dom (Diesel) and Brian’s (Walker) Rio heist toppled a kingpin’s empire and left their crew with $100 million, our heroes have scattered across the globe. But their inability to return home and living forever on the lam have left their lives incomplete. Meanwhile, Hobbs (Johnson) has been tracking an organization of lethally skilled mercenary drivers across 12 countries, whose mastermind (Evans) is aided by a ruthless second-in-command revealed to be the love Dom thought was dead, Letty (Rodriguez). The only way to stop the criminal outfit is to outmatch them at street level, so Hobbs asks Dom to assemble his elite team in London. Payment? Full pardons for all of them so they can return home and make their families whole again.

So, the storyline for 4 is null and void mostly because Michelle Rodriguez is alive.

Besides that, “the only way to stop the criminal outfit is to outmatch them at street level”? That’s absolutely not the “only way” to stop them. That’s maybe the worst way to stop them. Sounds like the most risky and dangerous way. It’s even more risky and dangerous that you’re employing known international criminals to do the justice giving as well. And, you’re planning on giving them full pardons. FULL PARDONS for people who have received full pardons only years prior and have went IMMEDIATELY back to their criminal past-time. There’s no point in any of these stories where Vin Diesel has ever held a legal job. He’s constantly a criminal, so why would you EVER trust him to do anything legal? Frankly, it’s disconcerting that The Rock still has a job considering he helped a known criminal organization, that he was infact tracking, steal $100 million and they got away with it while destroying tons of public property, killed many innocent bystanders, and in the end killed dozens upon dozens of Brazilian policemen.

Either way, I’m looking forward to this movie. I’m not looking forward to the amount of CGI is supposedly in the movie. There’s supposed to be a couple scenes where they are actually CGI-ing in The Rock and Vin Diesel doing extraordinary stunts that could not physically pull off, so they needed to make it up on a computer. That doesn’t sound good for anyone.

The big seller is of course GINA CARANO who plays The Rock’s right hand woman. As the trailers have shown, Gina and Michelle have some fist fights that are supposed to be some of the best stuff in the movie. I am a total Gina Carano fanboy and could not be more excited to see her in this or anything.

I hope you feel you’re caught up to speed or more confused than ever.

If I were to suggest to you to see any of the movies, I’d suggest the 5th hands down. As mentioned, stay away from 2 and 4 because they suck and have little redeeming qualities. If you want to see actual car racing scenes then see the third. And the first is a fun bad movie to watch.

In general, these are all bad movies, but the 5th has a lot of great action scenes and the 1st is like a lot of teen TV drama which is fun to laugh at.

 

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One Response to “Who wants to see a SIXquel this weekend?! “The Fast and the Furious” Series RECAP”

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