FAST & FURIOUS 6 – My thoughts, my feelings, my Gina Carano, and more!

May 28, 2013

Hallelujah, lads and ladies!

Danielle and I saw it. WE SAW IT!

FAST & FURIOUS SIX!!!!!!!!!!


So, let me get this out of the way, I liked it. I liked it a lot.

If you’re looking for a Summer blockbuster to see right this very second then there is no substitute for F&F6. I’ll fully admit that I haven’t seen any of the other “blockbusters” that have come out thus far unless you’re considering Oblivion one of them. I saw Oblivion and it was worse than AIDS. There is pretty much a cure for AIDS. There is no cure for Oblivion once you’re exposed to it. Back to the point, I haven’t seen Iron Man 3, but those movies are terrible and apparently the commercials show every single action scene minus Gwyneth Paltrow saving the day – which if we’re keeping track is the second movie of three where she has saved the day, meanwhile Iron Man has not been the sole hero in any of these movies. I didn’t see Star Trek although everyone knows those are soulless husks of movies and this one despite the title is more about comedy than action or darkness. And that’s it so far.

Unless you’re planning on popping your 2013 blockbuster cherry with Man of Steel then you should go see F&F6.

Let me begin talking about this movie with the positives.

First and foremost:

The Rock and Gina Carano are the greatest.

I don’t care what the fuck they’re doing at any fucking time – I just fucking love seeing them up there on the big silver screen doing whatever it is that they’re doing. I’m an utter fucking fanboy for the two of these people and I really wish this was a buddy action movie franchise.

Supposedly, The Rock is getting his own spin off from the F&F series where it will follow his Hobbs character just fucking people up around the world. It would make a million times worth of sense if Gina was his right hand woman who is laying down vicious beatings alongside the “Samoan Thor”. But, if you have seen F&F6 you know that that is not going to happen because some asshat decided to fuck that up. It’s not a “spoiler”, but let’s just say that The Rock and Gina don’t go walking off into the sunset together.

But it would be so fucking cool if they did!


Generally speaking, the positives of this movie are positives that can be associated with Fast 5. This movie is very similar to that movie with a tonal shift. Basically, Fast 5 in the end is a crime caper akin to Oceans 12 (yes, the sequel) and Fast 6 in the end is the A-Team but better than the actual A-Team movie.

F&F 6 is the A-Team.

That’s what it boils down to.

As far as action, there is some great action in this movie. There are a lot of hand-to-hand fight scenes, which are all actually very good. The director Justin Lin does a nice job blending some straight hand-to-hand fight scenes with some of the most ludicrous over-the-top action scenes. The most ludicrous scene is probably when we first see Ludacris and he has his shirt off and he’s jacked and that was unsettling and he’s hacking an ATM to spit money out for street urchins and hot bikini thong wearing chicks alike. But I digress…

It would’ve been nice if Justin Lin invested in a steadicam for some of these fight scenes because the shaky cam plus hand-to-hand fighting brings back bad memories from the second Bourne movie. You invest in a fight choreographer – invest in a steadicam. It makes sense, right?

Gina’s two fight scenes with Michelle Rodriguez are great. The fight between the Indonesian actor from The Raid vs. Tyrese and Han was also great. The final fight sequence between the British Hulk vs. The Rock and the evil Owen Shaw vs. Vin Diesel was pretty great too. And it was particularly amazing that Vin Diesel ended this fight sequence with a flying headbutt off the top rope. I mean, you don’t see that everyday. And you should. It would probably change all of our lives for the better.

As for the cars because for some reason it is all about the cars in these movies. The bad guy and his F1 car covered in unfinished metal was very cool. Some of the best action scenes in the movie are in the first half when the good guys are losing to the bad guys. It’s also good for establishing that the bad guys are fully capable of defeating the undefeatable good guys.

As mentioned the action scenes range from close quarters to SUPERHERO stuff. Obviously, the one action sequence featuring the tank that you might have seen in the commercials is ABSURD. There are a series of moments in that sequence in particular where people jumping from a moving car and landing on another moving car becomes cliche… it happens so often that it’s a given that they’ll be able to make the next leap. It is a mix of the tank action stuff in A-Team with the highway driving sequence in The Matrix except instead of people with superpowers because they’re in an elaborate videogame program these guys are doing the same stuff because any good hoodlum from Los Angeles could do it if they will it enough.

That scene also ends with Vin Diesel being hurled from one car and tackling Michelle Rodriguez who was hurled from another car and the two crash safely onto the roof of another car. It’s really physiques 101. If force X meets the opposing force Vin Diesel then Jesus will place a car where Vin Diesel is expecting to land and nestle them into a safe landing. I’m kind of skipping to the end, but Jesus is kind of a huge part of this movie. Vin in real life is quite religious supposedly, so there’s a lot about a crucifix, they make it through these action scenes through faith, and they end by saying grace to Jesus for keeping them safe through their international criminal exploits. Makes perfect sense. The Bibles verses come to life!

Besides Jesus and car porn… this movie is about…


These ladies in particular. Or really about the first two and then the last two.

Pretty much the whole movie is about getting Michelle Rodriguez back. Back to fucking Vin Diesel. If you’re a fan of the other movies then you would know that Vin has coped with the supposed death of Michelle Rodriguez by blasting away in the little Brazilian number in the middle. But right at the beginning of the movie this is all fixed when The Rock tells Vin that Michelle is still alive and the little Brazilian number tells Vin it’s cool for him to go back to his ex-girlfriend. Which is ridiculous, although it would’ve been even more ridiculous if she was “into” that sort of thing and they just started a polygamist marriage.

So, the movie is all about Michelle Rodriguez falling back in love with Vin Diesel. Since Vin is such a suave man it only takes like two chance encounters to get her back into him. I mean who can’t love this bald, wife beater wearing, street thug with the thousand yard stare and a permanent smile like he’s thinking of a premise for a joke, but can’t come up with the zinger ending.

The Fast and Furious crew including The Rock are ready to put THE WORLD at risk all for Michelle Rodriguez and then later for Jordana Brewster. That’s some girl power, right?

Besides Michelle, the tall chick next to her gets a lot more of a storyline than she did in the last one. In the last one, all she did was get her butt literally touched. In this one, she’s got some feelings and a few lines of dialogue. The Brazilian has a little smaller role than the last movie, although she really didn’t do a whole hell of a lot in that movie either. Gina has a decent sized role and more than anything it’s good to hear her speak whatever lines she has in her own fucking voice as opposed to Haywire. And Jordana Brewster kind of does what Jordana Brewster does which is randomly appear and disappear and really just give you an uneasy feeling thinking that she’s Vin’s sister and they look absolutely nothing alike.

The bad stuff in the movie?

Well, it’s a Fast and Furious movie, so don’t expect a whole hell of a lot of good dialogue or well-acted scenes. The worst actor in the movie is probably Vin Diesel and yet he has almost all the emotional scenes in the movie. There’s a lot of nonsense in the movie trying to tie all the movies together which one could have expected from the opening credits which summarizes the franchise for you.

So, you’ve got the worst actor doing the most acting. And you’ve got a bad guy who is cool and seemingly terrifying, but you know nothing about him.

Owen Shaw is quite formidable, but who the fuck is he? And why is he doing any of this? I’m hard pressed to understand why Vin is doing most of what he is doing and we’ve seen a litany of movies trying to make that make sense. Where as Owen Shaw simply appears with the idea he’s doing this all for money, but is that it? He got into this?! Just for money? I guess that’s enough, but it seems quaint.

The big WTF moment for me – besides the final action scene having the longest airplane runway in the history of all never ending airplane runways – was when Owen Shaw is driving the tank and starts aiming for civilian cars and just crushing them with the people in them. I mean there is no gore or anything, which reminded me that much more of the A-Team. Owen starts frivolously killing people out of nowhere and it’s a bit disconcerting. It completely goes against his character of a money hungry perfectionist who ALL OF A SUDDEN goes thrill killing behind the wheel of a tank. Honestly, I probably would do the same – I mean how many chances do you get to start running people over with a tank of a freeway?

As for that long runway that could’ve stretched from Maine to Virginia, I think there needs to be a memorial for the laser focused pilots of that airplane. We never knew their names and even their ethnicity is questionable – What language were they speaking? I couldn’t tell over the music and cars exploding. Was it Spanish? Was it Russian? Were they Russian? Why were they Russian? I have no idea. But regardless of all the ruckus going on from cars shooting grappling hooks into the wings of the plane or people fighting to the death only feet behind them – they were going to take off. They were taking that plane off the ground with 5 cars dangling behind them or not. Got to be inspired by that commitment to the job. In the end, they can’t take off because someone gets the smart idea of throwing a human being through the jet engine and the entire plane explodes like the Hindenburg… too soon?

And one of the least logical scenes in the movie is when there is a decision to be made with either imprisoning Owen Shaw or releasing him to save Jordana Brewster’s life. The head British military guy says that he can’t risk millions of lives for that of one person. Then The Rock – who is totally homo for Vin Diesel – puts a gun to that guy’s head. This Brit guy completely changes his story 100% and says they should let Shaw go. So, instead of swapping millions of lives for one woman’s life, now we’re swapping millions of lives for one woman and one dude. Amazing.

I think Justin Lin really figured out the formula of how much action, how much nonsensical stuff, how much dialogue, and how much story is necessary for a fanbase of people who need near constant stimulus and cannot sit through too much Vin Diesel talking before Vin Diesel needs to drive a car really fast. I would say Fast 5 is better than Fast 6, but Fast 6 is a nice follow-up to a movie – Fast 5 – which has no business being as well-received as it was.

As for Jason Statham and the 7th and 8th movies…

It could be great. I think Statham is a PERFECT villain for these movies. He’s become a bad actor too, so that works. He is physically a threat to Vin Diesel as well as a threat as a car driver. We’ve seen him in the Transporter movies and have accepted him as a crazy ass driver.

My big problem is that I don’t like the new director James Wan. Is it racist that they swapped one Asian for another? I don’t know, but Lin’s track record is much better than Wan’s.


What the fuck was with Statham’s line about “you’ll get to know me” or whatever to Vin Diesel. Earlier in the movie Vin Diesel says to Owen Shaw “don’t you know not to threaten another man’s family”… WELL Owen Shaw is the brother of Ian Shaw who is Statham, so why doesn’t Statham say something like “don’t you know not to threaten another man’s family”?! It would’ve been perfect.

Anyway… I’m sure this is a million times better than anything I could say…

One Response to “FAST & FURIOUS 6 – My thoughts, my feelings, my Gina Carano, and more!”

  1. […] FAST & FURIOUS 6 – Not as good as FAST 5, but very fun and I can’t wait until it is on HBO regularly because I will rewatch the shit out of this movie.… […]

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