May 30, 2013

Shalom, testicles and vulvas…

Let’s get the fuck into these movies – right the fuck a way! Am I right?! You know what this post is about and I know what this post is about. It is about June movies and me talking about them kind of sort of and more or less shitting on them or taking one small piece of those movies and focusing on that piece entirely without telling you anything about the movie. So let’s get the fuck into this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But first, let me take a moment and talk about MAD MEN

Yesterday, the internet was awash in Mad Men conspiracy theories. I hadn’t watched Sunday’s episode of Mad Men until last night. So, all day I’m seeing people wax on, wax off about Megan Draper being Sharon Tate and how Megan wearing that Sharon Tate red star t-shirt and Megan as actress and every time Megan spoke there were police sirens and Peggy stabbing Abe and Don not being home ever – all means MEGAN IS GOING TO BE MURDERED!

I don’t want to make it sound like I’m super excited to see Megan get murdered, but I’M SUPER EXCITED TO SEE MEGAN GET MURDERED. That sounds like I just contradicted myself, but you would really have to hear me say it in my head to know that I am in fact contradicting myself. I really like the idea of Megan getting murdered because it’s fucking something. I think in the grand scheme of things it is completely and utterly stupid nonsense to get Megan written off the show because once people got over her sexy French song they’ve hated her for every scene after that… plus no one buys that Don is into her.

One theory is that Doctor Jew who is married to Linda Cardellini would kill her or a random street thug. I hope if they do do this that they don’t doodoo it up by making it a random street thug and instead have Doctor Jew kill her as part of Don’s infidelity killing someone. That would be a lot more interesting.

Another article I saw was about BOB BENSON and how he possibly could be a double agent for either the government, another advertising agency, a newspaper or anything. That would be interesting as well I suppose. No one seems to know who he is, he just shows up and tells people his name and gives them that Bob Benson smile and they’re all like he’s harmless. I would like to find out that he’s not harmless and the ad agency is so full of themselves that they can’t keep track of anything that is going on in the office including who the hell works for them.

With that being said, I thought this week’s episode was whatever. The stuff with Megan had already been done. Don fucking Betty was interesting I supposed, but not nearly as interesting as Betty being Hot Betty after seemingly a decade of her being Frumpy Betty. The Abe/Peggy stuff was long overdue. And by that, I mean Peggy should’ve stabbed Abe a long long time ago. Bob Benson and Christina Hendricks was whatever. The Duck Phillips dick tease was just that – a Duck Phillips dick tease. Oh remember how great it was when he was full on fucking Peggy like he was Don Draper and told her he liked when she tasted like scotch. They need to revisit that storyline with Peggy full-on roleplaying Duck around like she’s either Don or, obviously, as Ted.

Either way, Bobby is a robot and gave me nightmares.

With that out of the way… JUNE MOVIES!!!!!


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There is no good track record for comedy anymore. I remember when the only thing holding Vince Vaughn back was the excuse that these were all kids movies he was doing or family movies. This is literally “Wedding Crashers 2” if they wanted it to be “Wedding Crashers 2” and I’m not at all psyched for this movie. I remember being so psyched for “The Watch” last year and then I didn’t even see it and still haven’t watched a second of it. It was unanimously hated by every single thing that had the unfortunate fate of sitting in a room with it on. I don’t know what to think of this movie. Vince Vaughn is apparently Vince Vaughn’s own kryptonite to his own comedy. I saw that movie he did with Kevin James and it absolutely horrible. I don’t know if Vince forgot how to be funny or he’s doing this on purpose because he hates us and America.

The idea for the movie is decent. Re-teaming Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson and making them interns at Google. That is a more than good enough movie idea. But I haven’t laughed at the trailers AT ALL. I don’t like that. That’s not to say it can’t be funny with the trailers being unfunny – it just means it is unlikely. There are completely unfunny movies with funny trailers… apparently… Hangover III is unfunny or the best parts are in the trailers. Who knows.

Right now, I’m preparing to see this movie. I’m also preparing to be let down even though this movie should be funny. I’m also about preparing about 15% of me thinking I won’t see this movie because a lot of big comedy movies have been terrible lately and I hate sitting through bad comedy more than bad drama or bad action.

And not to get all feminazi, but I actually had to look up if there are women in this movie. Who the fuck has a vagina and is in this movie? Judging by the trailers this movie is on a Lawrence of Arabia avenue of no pussy. If anything, 75% of what makes Vince Vaughn funny is him talking about sex or trying to get sex.


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I heard about this movie when it was first being literally thrown together and forgot about it and now it is here. So, Joss Whedon got a bunch of his disciples together and made a modern retelling of Billy Shakespeare’s comedy “Much Ado About Nothing” in a week. I think it’s literally a week it took to shoot his movie. Is that good? Probably not. But who knows.

I didn’t like The Avengers and I’m not into Firefly, but I love Neil Patrick Harris’ Dr. Horrible and I really really enjoyed Cabin in the Woods. Is that telling me that the more Joss Whedon spends on something the less I like it and vice versa? I feel like it kind of is. The more Joss Whedon has his time to make it all Joss Whedon-y then the less I’m enjoying myself. Maybe that means I’ll really like this.

More than anything, I’ll probably forget that this movie was made and never see it or end up watching it one day while eating breakfast and I’m in the bathroom giving myself a Peet’s coffee enema.


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Ethan Hawke must have a bank account problem. The problem is that there was nothing in it.

I think Mr. Hawke learned what all “artists” learn and that is there is no money in being an “artist” and he spent his late 1990’s and early 2000’s wasting his good looks and now he looks kind of like a hamster and makes every garbage genre movie they throw at him. I believe this is the 1,000,000th horror movie Ethan Hawke has made in the past 5 years.

The idea of this movie is that in the future I guess population or something gets out of control or maybe it’s just violent emotions get out of control, so the government sanctions 24 hours of free criminal activity with no recourse… which of course turns everyone into a nightmarish serial killer for those 24 hours.

Spoiler alert – I’ll never watch a second of this actual movie ever. And, will be forced to watch the same 30 seconds from the nonstop barrage of commercials over and over again.

There’s a scene in the promo where two people in bunny masks are I believe swinging on a swing set just to be creepy as hell outside of Ethan Hawke’s house. That just seems ludicrous that a person would do that. Like, let’s actually be creepy and not just murderous for a minute during this 24 hour kill spree. Either way, I’m not seeing this ever.


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How did this movie title not make any BBC jokes? HOW?!

I don’t know how Anna Kendrick does it but she is the tiniest and tittiest human being on the planet. Also, she’s very talented. At the same time, Craig Robinson is super funny. AND, at the same time, this movie looks incredibly skippable. If you watch the full trailer online, you see what I would bet is the entire movie. From beginning to end, all the best beats and plot twists and even I feel like the ending.

In many ways, this movies is Bedazzled with a gender swap of roles. I did see Bedazzled in theaters and I did think there was a moment in the movie where you pretty much see Elizabeth Hurley’s vag, but it’s photoshopped out which made me wonder if that was on purpose and that the Devil does not have any sex organs like Kevin Smith alludes to in Dogma (the angels and Salma Hayek are smooth like Ken Dolls).

I doubt I’ll see this. I doubt I’ll even have the opportunity to unless I wait for it to show up on Netflix. Maybe they can put these two in a movie I’ll actually be interested in next time. I also think this movie should be the other way around and play with the idea that a white woman is a black man’s devil or something. But whatever… next time.


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I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. No, not Judy Blume, although I think there are people who have been waiting for a Judy Blume book to get made into movies… but I mean the kickstarting of Willa Holland’s solo movie career and the return of the Pink Power Ranger – Amy Jo Johnson.

This movie is about what all Judy Blume books are about and that’s the unique experience of growing up and dealing with adult problems all while having ovaries and labias. The movie is actually directed by Judy’s son, which I don’t care about at all, but I know that in my brain. I am more interested in the casting of Amy Jo Johnson because I watched way too many episodes of the Power Rangers as a kid. AND, I watched every episode of The O.C. so I’m familiar with Willa Holland…. but I’ll never see this.

Seriously? I’m not seeing this movie. I guess I was excited that someone else might be seeing it, but you’re only going to see this if you get drunk and start watching Lifetime and this just so happens to be on Lifetime. I am somewhat surprised that Amy Jo Johnson and Willa Holland never really hit their mark. They both had all the prerequisites to move on and do things like other contemporaries, but I guess didn’t. I did just look up Willa Holland’s IMDB profile and she’s been doing a lot of TV, but it’s a lot of TV that I don’t watch. They’re all kind of supporting roles or less though… I’ll just say I expected that Willa Holland was going to be a big deal, which was probably due to my bias of watching The O.C. and trying to justify that they all would be big deals and meanwhile none of them have really moved on that much.

So, Judy Blume?


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Have you been wishing and hoping to see Alexis Biedel aka Rory Gilmore kill people with guns? Have you been waiting for a “Hanna” sequel where Hanna is kind of a lesbian and still kills people, but isn’t nearly as good at it anymore? Then this is the movie for you!

To start, Alexis Biedel is 32 years old and playing a teenager in this movie. Are you fucking kidding me? A TEENAGER. Not to say Alexis looks old because she does look young, but next to Saoirse Ronan who is legitimately a teenager, Alexis does not look like a teenager. How about we quickly recast this with Willa Holland and Saoirse Ronan and actually make this about lesbians who are assassins or just lesbians who watch assassin movies or maybe just the lesbian thing and forget the rest of it including James Gandolfini and his dirty fingers.

I did watch the trailer for this and Danny Trejo is smiling and wearing a backpack in this movie while sitting on a bench. What does that mean? That Danny Trejo was probably horribly miscast for his role as the happy backpack wearer who is waiting for a bus.

I do like Saoirse Ronan a lot and I think she has a bright future ahead of her as more or less evil Dakota Fanning. I would pay so much money to see a movie with the two of them being at odds with each other in a Macaulay Culkin and Elijah Wood “Good Son” remake or possibly a sort of “War of the Roses” movie where two sisters won’t leave their dead parents’ house and they go crazy on each other.

!!!!!!!!!!!!PUSSY RIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Greatest band name ever.

PUSSY RIOT has a documentary coming out. That’s great. I’ll probably track this down.

Honestly, I don’t know why it took so long to make a punk band called PUSSY RIOT starring a few chicks in ski masks. I feel like that should have happened a long time ago and somehow it didn’t and it took Russia to do it. Hopefully this doc is readily available.


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If there is a movie that will be funny, I’m guessing it will be this one.

These guys really haven’t disappointed when there is more than a few of them together. Sure Jonah Hill’s couple of comedies and Rogen’s couple of movies by himself were whatever, but when it’s all of them in a room together I would be surprised if this wasn’t funny. Too many funny people, too many people who have worked together a lot, and an easy enough storyline for constant absurdity.

AND unlike “The Internship” the trailers are funny. It is also a cameo a minute and thankfully most of these cameos are of other funny people like Michael Cera, Aziz Ansari, Kevin Hart, et cetera. This movie is also pretty filled with dong like the Internship. I do think this movie has a lot more promise than the Internship. I will see this.


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From one Emma Watson cameo to seemingly a little bit more than a cameo. The trailers are really pushing her as the main character and even this poster suggests it with her in the middle, but Emma has actually stated that she isn’t the STAR of the movie. So, who knows.

I will say that this being directed by Sofia Coppola is a tad worrisome. I do love “Lost in Translation” and I did really like “Marie Antoinette” and I know that I didn’t see “Somewhere”, but “Somewhere” made people ANGRY something fierce. I’ve never sat through “Virgin Suicides” so I can’t speak to that – somehow that movie just slipped through the cracks with me. BUT I was looking forward to “Somewhere” until I saw the reviews and the reviews were worse than anything said by that angry mob holding torches who came for Dr. Frankenstein’s monster. People HATED that movie. HATED it. HATED IT so much that they weren’t even classifying it as a movie. They simply were calling it a waste of time. That it wasn’t even a movie, but a thing they watched and hated and would have wasted a genie wish on getting back that time wasted on watching “Somewhere”.

So, what does that mean for “Bling Ring”? I don’t know. I’m truly not interested in the movie and am only interested in seeing Emma Watson dance in a club and not be making googly eyes at the two most uninteresting leading men of all time in Ron and Harry Potter. I would honestly watch a Hermione spin off if they could guarantee that Ron and HP were not in it. So, I’m sort of very interested in seeing Emma Watson act in a movie that’s not a movie about magical British children, but I don’t know if this is that movie that I’ll see. I’ll temper my reaction to this movie with the reviews. If people are loving it then I’ll see it.

If you’re wondering why I didn’t see Perks of Being a Wallflower then you really need to sit back and think how much I feel like watching a movie about another 14 year old boy who is fucking boring as fuck who is for whatever reason fawned over by Emma Watson.


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I’m seeing the shit out of this movie.

I’ve actually begun removing myself from reading about this movie to properly unsaturate myself from it, so I’ll be fucking frothing at the mouth as soon as this shit starts. I’m thoroughly a Zack Snyder fan. I am a big Zack Snyder fan. And, I’m a BIGGER Zack Snyder fan when he’s dealing with someone else’s story. The guy is a visual director. The guy can make shit come to life. The guy should not be involved in the re-writes or in the scripting, but he should be in charge of putting it all together. I think he’s going to blow our dicks off with this movie. I think he’s going to blow our dicks off and at the same time I think this will be pretty much Superman 2 minus the cheese, but with a lot of hero shots that will become very repetitive.

I will say that this movie falls in line with something that I hate that almost every other superhero movie does and that is make a movie about the superhero hating to be said superhero.

WHY?! Why is that the only storyline people can come up with for superheroes?

Good superhero movies and bad superhero movies alike are about the constant struggle of the superhero accepting being that superhero. That’s what Iron Man 1 and 2 and, maybe, 3 was about. That’s what Green Lantern was about. That’s what Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and The Dark Knight Rises was about. That’s what the previous Batman movies were about as well except it was about giving up the cape and cowl to get married. LAME! That’s what Superman Returns was about. That’s what all the Spider-Man movies has been about. That’s what Thor was about. That’s what The Avengers was about. That’s what the two Hulk movies are about. I could go on and on. The Watchmen is about superheroes who gave it up, who get into it when it suited them, but ultimately are ready to give up on it again. Rorschach and Oz are the only two still being their super sides by choice and Dr. Manhattan is doing it because he has to in a sense.

The only superhero movies where the hero really accepts being the hero and just fucking runs with it for the whole movie is The Crow, Captain America, The Matrix, and Blade. I will say that Blade HATES himself for being part vampire, but just fucking accepts it, tries to make it work with that blue liquid stuff, and goes on his mission of fucking up vampires.

So, I’m not psyched that this movie will be about Superman having to figure out again that he needs to be Superman. Hopefully, that isn’t the main focus. I just think it makes it seem so wussy that they are always crying about being heroes. I don’t know why it has to be that way. Oh it’s lonely being a superhero… SUCK IT UP!


That’s the first half of June movies. I’m seeing 2 for certain, 3 probably, 4 maybe.


  1. PWG said

    Superman, that’s it. So many bad movies.

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