JUNE MOVIES!!!! CAN’T BE WORSE THAN MAY MOVIES!!!! JUNE MOVIES! – PART 2

May 31, 2013

WHAT UP!

I know I’m late with this. I was writing something for the UFC and I got distracted by the internet after I finished the writing and forgot to come back here and tell you all about the rest of the crap coming out in June.

I’m going to do an abbreviated lightning round style round-up of this crap. I mean there’s a real possibility that the only way you’ll see any of these movies is if someone drugs and kidnaps you and their end game is to get you to see one of these movies.

Well, except for Monsters University. Chicks love Pixar.

MANIAC

Let me answer for you – nope.

Oh shit, I forgot to ask the rhetorical question!

Do you want to see Elijah Wood as a serial killer in a remake of a 1980’s movie?

Now, I’ll answer for you… NOPE.

MONSTERS UNIVERSITY

Yeah, you’ll see this.

I know you will.

Don’t pretend like you won’t.

WORLD WAR Z

Did you read the book? Did you like the book?

Well… FUCK YOU!

This ain’t about that book. It’s about something almost completely different.

Also, why is Brad Pitt on his knees? It’s not like this wasn’t a photoshopped picture. Couldn’t they have had him standing and photoshopped him into this photo from a scene that never happens in the book?

A BAND CALLED DEATH

YES!

I will see this.

I actually bought from iTunes the album that these guys made way back in 1974 that has been secretly passed around for years. It’s like $7 and is amazing.

Basically, way before the punk movement was “started” there were these guys and they were fucking shredding like MC5 on their best day and they named their band Death because that’s amazing. Check it out.

BYZANTIUM

Do you like vampires? Of course, you do.

Do you like over the top style? Of course, you do.

Do you like Gemma Arterton’s milky white heaving cleavage? Of course, you do.

Do you like Saoirse Ronan? Of course, you do.

Are you going to see this movie? Probably not.

THE HEAT

No, it’s not “Heat” – the incredible 3 hour movie that never gets less amazing every time you watch it. No, this is “The Heat” – the action-comedy starring who gives a fuck and what the fuck’s her face and you won’t see it and neither will I.

REDEMPTION

DID YOU SEE “FAST & FURIOUS 6” YET?!!!?!?!?!?!

Oh man, how great was it when Jason Statham showed up?!!?!?!?!?!?!?

I really wish James Wan wasn’t directing Fast 7, but what can you do.

Either way, no one is ever seeing “Redemption”.

SOME GIRL(S)

I’ll probably never see a second of this, which means there’s a 99% chance you will not either.

There are some beautiful women in this movie though who have other work you should watch…

Kristen Bell – Veronica Mars

Zoe Kazan – Ruby Sparks

… errr… I don’t know those next two…

Emily Watson – Punch Drunk Love or The Proposition

WHITE HOUSE DOWN

HOLY FUCK THIS LOOKS TERRIFIC!

Errrr… I mean TERRIFYING.

This looks like it could be the worst movie ever produced.

Wow.

What a shit month of movies.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!!!1111!!!!11!!!!

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2 Responses to “JUNE MOVIES!!!! CAN’T BE WORSE THAN MAY MOVIES!!!! JUNE MOVIES! – PART 2”

  1. PWG said

    I saw Now You See Me last night and it was ten times worse than I even expected, which is saying something. It was bad beyond belief. Boring, plot holes of epic proportions, and a total waste of some good actors.

    If you had half a billion dollars, where would you keep it? In a safe located in a huge empty one-room warehouse that’s nothing but white walls and accent lighting in a seedy neighborhood, yeah? Yeah, sure. Then one day you go to look at it, and it’s missing, so you chase down some magicians who are having a big old house party. And then they pretend to explode all of that money over a huge crowd, but it turns out to be fake money with their pictures on it, but then they escape in the mayhem and put the actual money into a car where they can explode it from there instead so someone else gets blamed for it and goes to a weird prison with no staff and rusty bars.

    So four magicians steal a half billion dollars and they’re so full of faith and willingness to trust in the magic of the universe and plucky showmanship that they’re granted membership in an ancient Egyptian secret magic society. Instead of the 500 million dollars that they actually already got away with stealing, ’cause that’s all tied up in the framing. Gah, it was so bad.

  2. PWG said

    I’m bothered by the tagline on the Redemption poster. “All roads don’t lead to salvation.” Presumably some roads lead to salvation. So it should be, “Not all roads lead to salvation.”

    I liked World War Z, but I keep hearing the movie’s going to be a total crapfest. And then those people talk about how terrible the book was, too, and how anyone who liked it has no taste and is an all-around mentally handicapped loser. So now I’m sad about all my life choices.

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