What. UP?!

I think the title speaks for itself.

I made reference to the “List of Men Over 60 Years Old I Think Women Would F@#K” and by “F@#K” I meant have vaginal intercourse with. It is easily one of the seminal and decrepit semen filled lists of our collective time.

https://kristenstewartwantsit.wordpress.com/2010/01/15/a-list-of-men-over-60-years-old-i-think-women-would-fk/

And, I thought I would take a look at who is turning 60 this year as an arbitrary and possible update to the list. Every year more and more men turn 60 years old. Maybe not more than the year before, but there is always another batch of 60 year old men you could catch a batch of no doubt infertile baby batter from.

We can debate this to the end of time, who is or is not still fuckable? And I’m ready to help with a list of men who are turning 60 in 2013 – mostly actors – that could very well still GET IT. You know… like catching some strange ____ on their greased up _____ .

Before I get to that, do we call old people “bluebirds”? I feel like we should.

ANYWAY!

OLD DUDES!

Hulk Hogan

BOOM!

Honestly, I couldn’t have asked for a better guy to be turning 60 for me to write about this list again. WE JUST WATCHED HIM HAVE SEX! I mean that’s something else right there. If you’re thinking about banging a guy – which you are – and you’re curious about what you’re getting yourself into then OF COURSE it would be your best option to watch their unofficial sextape. AM I RIGHT?!

Well, for one, we know that Hulk is not just an affectionate term about his enormous steroid addled biceps. ALSO, you now know that the steroids didn’t shrivel any of the python in his pants. What I’m saying is Hulk is packing a Hulk dong. So, I guess that’s great. I mean I can’t think of anything a woman would want more than a 60 year old man’s erect penis and for it to be enormous.

As far as his loving skills, well, we know that he’s still up to the task even if he’s eaten way too much Mexican food only minutes earlier. That’s a plus I think. He’s always up to perform seemingly.

Pierce Brosnan

James Bond, right? I mean it’s probably the same having sex with him now than just shy of 20 years ago when he was Bond. It’s probably the exact same minus Pierce wearing an extra amount of cologne to hide his old man’s skin smell. But I bet he can work himself into that unnatural oily Irish tan of his.

Just imagine Pierce inside you, his member piercing into your open vagina while running his fingers through your hair and reciting everyone’s favorite quotes from Dante’s Peak. Magical.

John Malkovich

Definitely not for everyone, but I think that’s always been his thing.

I’ll tell you what, if you were willing to have sex with John Malkovich in the mid to late 90’s then you should be still down for it now. I mean he looks pretty similar ever since he shaved it all off… up top. I don’t know what’s going on down below. I’d say 50/50 shot he’s as bald as an eagle or got a mini afro down there. Who is to say… possibly you if you’re into having sex with James Carville’s more handsome brother.

Ciaran Hinds

Great voice. Another Irishman. He’s got a full head of hair, a strong chin, penetrating eyes, and I would imagine he smells of leather and Fall spice. Like an Autumn Yankee Candle that’s been left in the care of a Harley Davidson clothing store. That’s sexy, right?

Tony Shaloub

I mean… you’d probably have to be a HUGE fan of “Monk”.

Tim Allen

A big fan of “Home Improvement” and I assume you’re watching “Last Man Standing” and just thinking to yourself over and over again how lucky that bitch Nancy Travis is.

I saw Tim Allen once in person. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a button down shirt that seemed to be made by Affliction like there were crosses and skulls on it. His hair also seemed to have frosted tips. How wet does that get you?!

Jim Jarmusch

I’m sure Jim cleans up in Brooklyn.

Outside of Brooklyn? Not so much.

David Morse

Seriously, I think he’s quite the catch. Tall, working actor, kind of looks the same always. So, if you’ve been into getting David Morse into you at anytime over the past 20 years then he’s still a perfectly viable sexual candidate. I mean minus the fact that he’s been married for 31 years.

Actually, that’s perfect. After 31 years of marriage, they’re probably good and ready for a threesome.

Bill Pullman

Who are you kidding? If Bill can still nail that Independence Day speech – which I bet he can – you’d be fucking him for not only America, but for all mankind faster than you can say “nuke the bastards”.

Ron Jeremy

I’m not sure anyone really WANTS to have sex with Ron Jeremy, but plenty will.

Colm Meany

You’re probably a Trekkie and, specifically, a NEXT GENERATION Trekkie who wants Colm Meany’s DEEP in your SPACE … something NINE. I mean I guess I could have said that Colm has a 9 incher, but I’m not about false advertising. I provide facts and facts only.

I’ve heard he’s the second most generous lover from the “Con-Air” cast. Only second to John Malkovich. John Cusack? Not so generous.

William Petersen

You know?! The guy from CSI.

Eh, someone would fuck him.

Tim Gunn

I know he’s gay, but that only makes him that much more fuckable.

Women would and I would easily guess have tried to fuck Tim Gunn as an unbalanced trade for fashion tips or at the very least a card of a dressmaker.

Michael Bolton

TOTALLY! You know it. I know it. There are a lot of women who would take Mike’s bolt.

Chuck Zito

Chuck is for a specific type, but I think biker chicks is a sub-genre that we shouldn’t look passed.

Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman

As I was just saying… there are some hard looking women out there that would go to work on Dog.

Ken Burns

There are women out there that would fuck the shit out of Ken Burns’ Asian school boy haircut.

He would take wonderful black and white stills of the sex and then pan over them and narrate the action. It would be magnificent.

Dennis Miller

Eh, I guess.

I haven’t found Dennis Miller funny in 15 years? 18 years? It’s been awhile. I used to watch his HBO show when I was a kid. I think I liked it because he made fun of people and cursed and he rambled and ranted like he knew what he was talking about. Also, he laughs at his own jokes almost more than the crowd does, but you know how you laugh when other people laugh.

Anyway, he still looks like Dennis Miller from a decade ago, so if you liked how he looked then…

Geddy Lee

If you play bass then I’m guessing there’s a solid chance you’d let Slytherin wizard Geddy Lee get in there.

Cornel West

I throw West in there because I’m a huge fan of a lot of his works.

I don’t really think anyone finds him sexually attractive. I’ll be honest about that.

He’s remarkably crazy looking. He looks more like a Charlie Chan character or a Halloween costume than anything else.

He is brilliant or can be brilliant – but he looks like the love child of David Letterman and a werewolf.

In conclusion, you’re spank bank is full, right?

Howdee, cowgirls and reverse cowgirls!

Before we get to Mad Men or the rest of the TV shows I watched Sunday night…

The Billboard Music Awards were last night and while they do technically have a “blue carpet” for the celebrities to walk out on and show off their butts on, there is a good chance it is speckled in red… BLOOD! The BLOOD of the PEOPLE who ATTENDED the EVENT!

KA-CHOP!

Somewhere between Madonna’s pretentious speech as if anyone has cared for a second what she’s thought this millennium and Kid Rock patting himself on the back about not lip-synching and Justin Bieber getting booed… MIGUEL SNAPPED and ATTACKED THE AUDIENCE with LUCHA LIBRE GUILLOTINE LEG DROPS!

Unbelievable! Whatever is going on in this gif outside of seemingly attempted 3rd degree murder, it was better than half of the TV I watched last night.

Explanations for what is happening here with Miguel:

1. Miguel completely overestimated how far and how high he can fly because of R. Kelly.

2. The friction of the public’s hands slapping against Miguel’s crotch slowed and changed his trajectory.

3. Miguel’s skinny jeans got vindictive and forced him into the possible lawsuit inducing crash landing.

4. Miguel hated that bitch and was on a mission to end her life via a professional wrestling move, seemingly, former member of the tag team the New Age Outlaws, Bad Ass Billy Gunn’s finisher the FameAsser.

And in honor of B.A. Billy Gunn, I’VE GOT TWO WORDS FOR “MAD MEN”!

SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!

Game of Thrones was ok last night. I wasn’t too into that episode. Mostly because of the casting choice for Daario. And, really all of those sellsword guys. “British Barbarian” is not a thing. If you’re going to have an British accent that sounds akin to Hugh Grant’s then you have trouble passing as an uneducated viking who rapes and pillages for the highest bidder. But Daario’s look and voice both sucked. Daario is supposed to look like Khal Drogo but sweeter and I guess you could argue that this guy does, but he also doesn’t look like a bad ass. He looked like there was a higher percentage chance he would give his enemies pedicures to death than actually strike them with a sword. And his voice was super creepy and sounded like it had been overdubbed. Anyway… did not like him.

I also don’t like the casting of Gendry at all. Melisandre is OK to a degree. It might be the costume department’s fault more than anything because the woman is supposed to be a sex goddess and she walks around in an over-sized stuffy bathrobe. Stannis is supposed to have long hair and look colder – like meaner. Davos is cast well. But the best part of the episode being the sex/blood-letting part of the episode felt super marred by the odd casting choices.

“VEEP” IS THE BEST SHOW ON TV! I have no doubt that “Arrested Development” will completely out do the hype behind it’s new season on Netflix later this month, but I will say that “Veep” is giving it a run for its money. AD is the best, but Veep is getting there. I don’t know why people are not watching it with the same fervor they’ve watched other shows and I’m specifically thinking of people who loved “30 Rock”. Female centric show with a cast of characters around her built around their topsy turvy job. I will say this without a second of hesitation – it’s better than 30 Rock ever was. The funniest moments on 30 Rock came from Dean Winters to begin with. WATCH “VEEP”!

The Family Tree was fucking funny last night. I had just told a friend on Saturday night that I wasn’t into the first episode, but I do hate origin stories, so I thought it could have promise. And the fucking episode nailed that prophecy. Last night’s episode had me crying with laughter twice. I’m really looking forward to the rest of the show’s season. As for origin stories, it’s that 99% of the time they feel clumsy and forced… and usually you already know it going into the movie or TV show because it’s been advertised. Books are similar as well considering you have the origin story summarized on usually the back or the jacket and then you need to sit through 100 pages of origin before you get into the actual book. Either way, last night’s episode was excellent.

MAD MEN sucked. Minus the song and (tap) dance routine from Ken Cosgrove – the rest of the episode was pretty stupid. Specifically, anything that had to do with Don and/or his progeny. The stuff with Don being all strung out for the first time for one lady’s poon because she’s got a beauty mark similar to the beauty mark having prostitute who deflowered Don when he grew up during Civil War times was stupid. All of that was stupid. All the flashbacks were stupid, all the everything with Don was stupid. Then there was the robbery…

After a few un-needed scenes of everyone staring at the naked legs of 13 year old Sally Draper, they had Sally get robbed by Mrs. Buttersworth while wearing lingerie. Sally was wearing the lingerie; not Mrs. Buttersworth. This was without a doubt the worst series of scenes ever done by Mad Men coming hot off the tails of the worst scenes they have ever done with Betty earlier in the season cooking stew for squatters in New York City trying to find some girl who ran away that we had never previously met. Oh yeah, and there was that time when Betty said that her husband should have sex with that girl while she held her down moments prior.

Whatever Mad Men was supposed to be, it got sidetracked from. Immediately. The first season is nothing like the following seasons… except for this season and that’s why they need to stop. The first season was the worst and this season is the worst. The middle seasonS were better in many aspects, but their negatives are that it’s kind of the same song and dance as Teflon Don has sex with whoever he wants, gets away with it, moves on, and blah blah blah. This season they’re trying to get back to the show’s roots of shitty flashbacks about Don’s childhood which no one cares about. This season has also been more Don centric and they have no idea what they want to do with him.

Last night’s episode felt so much like The Sopranos where a show that was good at one time has created characters they really don’t want to change out of fear and have instead retreated to whatever this slop is that is on TV. It was stupid.

ANYWAY…

So, Miguel killed someone at the Billboard Music Awards. Instead of rehashing that… let’s show some pictures and quickly criticize them…

CELEBRITY BLUE CARPET: LIGHTNING ROUND!

That’s very nice Selena, you look very Miami.

Now, can we see your butt?

WHY THANK YOU!

Honestly, we need to start doing that in our own lives. If you’re taking pictures of your friends when you’re out or having a party or at a wedding or something… get the front normal shot and then make them do the over the shoulder sly looking shot that is really just a glorified ass shot.

Seriously, if someone in Hollywood wasn’t already thinking about casting a Jennifer Lopez as Selena Gomez’s MILF mom then I think they just had the idea incepted after seeing those back-to-back pictures. It would be pretty perfect…

Obviously, J. Lo is a single mom/divorced mom/widow or something. And Selena is trying to get her mom hooked up with some new guy. She transforms her mom with her mom knowing back into the scantily clad 40+ year old women J. Lo is showing us in this picture.

She is crazy. And, according to Maxim, the hottest chick alive or this year or alive or something.

I sometimes forget that she was Hannah Montana and then I remember that and I think about how much being a mega famous kid must fuck with your fucking brain so much. Kids are nuts to begin with… add in mega famousness.

Taylor Swift looks like a sexy robot here. Very metallic. I think there are two ideas circulating (or in my head) about what Taylor Swift is like:

1. A live-action Disney Princess who when she gets emotional (which is all the time) she actually breaks into song and talks to animals.

2. Robot with piercing cat eyes who is actually overcompensating for how unemotional she is.

Either way, Taylor Swift’s dress needs to be about 12 inches shorter if it were to compare to either Sally Draper or Megan from Mad Men’s outfits last night.

Chris Brown is legitimately crazy.

He is an actual crazy person.

This is what a crazy person looks like.

If you are looking at this picture – whether you know or don’t know who Chris Brown is – and you do not recognize that this is a crazy person then you should head to your doctor and get checked for Asperger’s or Autism or both or something stronger.

Kelly Rowland always looks great.

I think she generally would look great, but I really think it’s the chip on her shoulder about how Beyonce became BEYONCE!!!!!!! and Kelly is just Kelly.

I don’t know who Kelly’s stylist is, but she does a much better job than whomever is Kelly’s songwriter.

Speaking as an obscenely pale individual, Carly Rae Jepsen is frighteningly pale.

Either she’s a vampire or Canadian or a Canadian vampire… she’s as white as the background!

Also, is she still famous?

Nicki Minaj is also a crazy person. You should be able to recognize that as well.

It’s not that Nicki doesn’t want to be at this awards show, it’s that she doesn’t know where she is nor why she’s doing what she’s doing, but she knows that she has to show off the dress that someone else physically dressed her in without her say so.

I do not know who Jennifer Nettles is, but check out the Nettles on her! AM I RIGHT?!

Wooooo, I bet those boobs sing so well.

If I could do that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind mind erasing technique on my future, it would be to never see these two or hear anything about them or from them for the rest of my life.

I didn’t realize that was Shania Twain.

I did think it was a sexy lady auditioning for the role of Hera in the next Clash of the Titans movie.

This is why I don’t watch these shows.

It’s also a good reason for us to fire whoever is at fault for anything related to this happening.

If I had never seen these three idiots before then it would take a lot of convincing on someone’s part to get me to not think that was Horatio Sanz, Andy Samberg, and some chick performing an elaborate prank on the Billboard Music show.

Not to sound cruel, but it doesn’t even matter who this woman is… she’s giving us boobs and a dog and that’s really more than enough.

PROCREATING!

Not to say it’s impossible or anything for these two to have a normal kid, but there are many beloved celebrities who have really shitty kids and these two are far from beloved, so… it could get really bad really early.

Why not.

If we were ever wondering who would fair better between Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy, I think it’s pretty clear it will be and already is Jenny.

Pamela’s a few years older than Jenny, but I think Jenny has taken the prize. It will need to be an extremely rough next few years for Jenny to lose this lead on Pam.

I’d watch a TV show based on this picture.

I would easily watch a full season of television based on this picture of David Guetta and Akon rather than anything that NBC, CBS, and/or ABC is bringing new to their networks.

I don’t know who this is… I also don’t think that qualifies as actual clothing.

Are we now classifying Frederick’s of Hollywood as a “clothing store”? I’m pretty sure anything piece of “clothing” that is expected to get cum stains on it is really not appropriate attire for the outside world.

I do and don’t know who Ariana Grande is.

I do know that guys on internet forums lust after her and make endless amount of gifs of her. I also know that she’s on a kids TV show whose writers miraculous figure out a way to not so subtlety sexualize her more so than Alison Brie is on Community.

I think she’s on Victoria Justice’s show, but I’m not exactly sure of that. I have no idea what the plot of these shows are, but there are about a million gifs from a million different episodes of whatever show she’s on where she is wearing Daisy Duke shorts and a tank top and she’s being hosed down with water, cream, and/or a goo. Also, there’s another billion gifs of her eating lollipops or icepops or something that is phallic.

No idea, but G-MEN BABY! YEAH, GO GIANTS!

This guy looks like a tool.

And last but not least…

THIS KID!

This kid who I have absolutely no idea who he is and I can only assume is the product of nepotism.

Congratulations, ride those connections, kid. Ride ’em.

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!

Happy day, people!

True story: last night, a young lady sang out her car window “SHOW US YOUR COCK!” around 11pm on a Thursday in Morristown, New Jersey.

I’m usually not out drinking on a Thursday, but, apparently, shit gets wild. I’m not sure if she was referring to me or the two guys I was with or to the police officer standing 15 feet from us minding his own business or was it more metaphysical and was yelling to the world and anyone who could hear her to show us your “cock” and/or that private side one only shows their lovers and to make the world their proverbial lover and to show it your cock… or she could’ve been some drunk skank looking to see some strange D.

Also, I just finished watching “The Office” series finale. It was good.

I liked “The Office” a lot and I thought it way more good episodes than bad. It stretched the idea of the original show and became something more as it was asked to. I think it did a much better job than most shows I’ve watched with its ability to continue putting out solid product and never make me question why I kept tuning into watch it. I’ll miss it, but it was time for it to go. 9 seasons is a lot and I think it did a great job filling them out.

One of the things that “The Office” succeeded at that many shows didn’t, won’t or even attempt to do is take us on a journey. A lot changed and transpired over the years on “The Office” with ups and downs and storylines evolving. There was a lot to that show. It wasn’t simply a show that created a plot for the half-hour tried to make you laugh and then move on; they tried to make it an experience and I think they succeeded wholeheartedly with that.

Lastly…

What the title of today’s post is referring to…

I CAN’T STOP WATCHING THIS!

It’s fucking mesmerizing.

I love you, internet.

I love you, gifs.

I love you.

Hello to all my cinnamonnies and chicharronitos,

Today, we’re going to discuss the age of the love interests throughout Scarlett Johansson’s acting career.

Let’s get the givens out of the way, this is what Scarlett Johansson looks like:

Scarlett is 28 years old and was born November 22, 1984.

Scarlett has been acting since she was like 10. And, as she’s grown up and gotten quite hot, Hollywood has seen fit to pair her with men who are disproportionately older than her. Scarlett’s not the only one in this situation with odd pairings, I remember I did a post about Marisa Tomei’s unlikely suitors in movies as well.

I know you might be thinking – didn’t this guy make a list of men and women over 60 that were fuckable? Yes, I did. And, I believe I was called crazy throughout all of it. Either way, I’m just pointing out age differences and how commonly someone who is a regular love interest in movies like Scarlett has a love interest who is usually a lot older than her.

I think it’s pretty common to watch a movie or a television show and see the heterosexual couple being prominently featured as the leads and think to yourself – she’s way too hot for him.

It happens a lot on sitcoms where the male main character is some former comic and now he’s matched up with this smokeshow and they either never address it or they spend the entire length of the show trying to explain it. A lot of “Modern Family” is spent trying to make excuses for why Sofia Vergara would be fucking and procreating with Ed O’Neil. Or other shows like “Curb Your Enthusiasm” had Cheryl Hines opposite Larry David and never addressed anything, meanwhile she gets cast a few years later on “Suburgatory” and she’s strutting around like she’s Playboy model.

Anyway, yesterday, I read that Scarlett Johansson is in talks to be apart of Jon Favreau’s new movie Chef which is lead by Robert Downey Jr. It would be an “Iron Man 2” reunion with all three working together… it would also be a reunion of Scarlett Johansson playing a potential love interest to Robert Downey Jr.

Sure, sure, sure – age is just a number. For Scarlett and Robert, that number is 20. 20 being the amount of years that separates their ages. If you’re unfamiliar with how this works, that would mean that when Scarlett Johansson was BORN that Robert Downey Jr was filming scenes for the movie WEIRD SCIENCE.

Couple that with… I’ve also been reading a lot about the new TV shows coming this Fall. One of the TV shows that will be debuting on CBS features James Van Der Beek and Kevin Connolly who are 36 and 39 respectively. Meanwhile, their “friends” on the show will be played by three chick actresses – Majandra Delfino, Zoe Lister Jones, and Brooklyn Decker – who are 32, 31, and 26.

Friends? A 39 year old Kevin Connolly is FRIENDS with a 26 year old Brooklyn Decker? Or a 32 year old or a 31 year old? Maybe he’s playing Brooklyn’s MUCH OLDER brother. Even that would be ridiculous. How many people do you honestly know that have 13 year older sibling? I can think of a couple, but in comparison to the rest of the people I know who have siblings that’s WAY OFF. Usually, a friend or a sibling is not 13 years older and we’re usually not talking about a physical difference of Kevin Connolly and BROOKLYN DECKER.

So, back to ScarJo

Born in 1984, remember?

Immediately, I can think of multiple people who are much older (and much less attractive) than Scarlett who played her love interest in a movie. I think one can easily do this for most if not all actresses. I think Scarlett is a pretty solid example with her fame, looks, young age, and sample size of movies.

I’ll preface this with saying that I have not see all of Scarlett’s movies, so I’m mentioning the ones I’m pretty sure to fairly positive or whatever about. You’ll see. I’m also going to do this in chronological order setting the way back machine to 2001…

THE MAN WHO WASN’T THERE (2001) – BILLY BOB THORNTON

Ol’ Billy Bob (1955) was 46 years old when he got road head from a 17 year old Scarlett in this Coen Brothers movie. This was one of the first examples that came to mind. It’s her idea as well to blow him. I believe they also play the piano together.

GHOST WORLD (2001) – ?

I don’t remember Scarlett having a love interest in this, but if you do then by all means. I was pretty bored with this movie, honestly. Isn’t Thora Birch into Steve Buscemi?

EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS (2003) – ?

Never saw this, just wanted to mention it though. She may have had an appropriately aged suitor for all I know in Ghost World and this movie. I don’t remember either. She does play Kari Wuhrer’s daughter in the movie, which is actually pretty appropriate as far as attractiveness, but that would mean Kari was 17 when she had Scarlett – preggers at the prom.

LOST IN TRANSLATION (2003) – BILL MURRAY and GIOVANNI RIBISI

She’s newly married to Ribisi who is 10 years older than Scarlett, but she spends much of the movie either in her underwear sulking or chasing around the 1950 born Bill Murray. So, by that math, Bill would’ve been 53 and Scarlett 19? Yeesh. She was playing a bit older as a recently graduated philosophy major, so she’s like 22 in the movie. Some may try to argue that Bill is not a “love” interest and to those people I say – shut it.

GIRL WITH A PEARL EARRING (2003) – COLIN FIRTH

Mr. Darcy was born in 1960, so a solid 24 years older than Scarlett.

THE PERFECT SCORE (2004) – CHRIS EVANS?

I never saw this movie, but I’m attributing Chris Evans as Scarlett’s love interest. Chris is only 2 years older than Scarlett and will continue to be the most “age appropriate” and probably “looks appropriate” match for Scarlett. He is also I believe a love interest in another movie of hers that we’ll get to in a bit titled “The Nanny Diaries”. I know at the very least he takes his shirt off and I think talks about her butt if I remember correctly from the trailers. That’s close enough for a love interest, right?

A LOVE SONG FOR BOBBY LONG (2004) – GABRIEL MACHT

I’m certainly not going to try and argue that Gabriel is a good looking dude, great looking even. He actually pulls the scruff off real well in this movie. I like this movie and you don’t have to worry that the silver haired-Jabba the Hut/John Travolta is not a “love interest” for Scarlett. It is the 12 years older Gabriel who is the love interest. Scarlett would’ve been 21 and Gabes just around 33. Oddly enough, Gabriel (like Chris Evans) plays a love interest in a later movie in her career… a much much much much much worse movie.

A GOOD WOMAN (2004)STEPHEN CAMPBELL MOORE

Never seen this, but judging from the description Scarlett tries to jump this guy’s bones. Stephen is actually only 5 years older than Scarlett.

IN GOOD COMPANY (2004) – TOPHER GRACE

Actually, a big fan of this movie. Probably one of my favorite movies featuring Scarlett. And, Topher is only 6 years older than Scarlett. That’s kind of apart of the storyline too with him being a married and soon-to-be-divorced man and her being in college at NYU if memory serves correctly… she’s also his co-worker’s daughter. Actually, he’s the boss of that guy. And that guy is Dennis Quaid who I could actually believe is Scarlett’s dad with the lovely Marg Helgenberger as the wife/mother – which I would also believe.

MATCH POINT (2005) – JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS

JRM which kind of sounds like “germ” is 7 years older than Scarlett. Sure, he was one of the prettiest gay faced men that could ever be cast across Scarlett, so sure Woody Allen did a decent enough job with that. Ok?

THE ISLAND (2005) – EWAN MCGREGOR

He’s an attractive guy – not debating that – just saying he’s 13 years older, which is like an 8th grader.

SCOOP (2006) – HUGH JACKMAN

Yeah, Wolverine is a good looking dude. We’re at least getting attractive men. He’s an attractive man who is 16 years older than Scarlett – that’s a kid with a driver’s permit or legally able to drive on their own in some states. I’m just pointing out that when Scarlett was 22 years old, Hugh was 38. I’m just saying.

THE BLACK DAHLIA (2006) – JOSH HARTNETT?

I didn’t see this, so I’m just guessing he’s the love interest. He’s 6 years older than ScarJo.

THE PRESTIGE (2006) – CHRISTIAN BALE

Christian is 10 years older than Scarlett. I know that Hugh Jackman originally pays for Scarlett to go to Christian. I can’t remember if they have any fornication. For the most part, Hugh is pining over Piper Perabo in that movie. Either way, Hugh is 16 years older.

THE NANNY DIARIES (2007) – CHRIS EVANS?

As I mentioned before, I think he’s the love interest. Never saw this movie. He’s 2 years older still.

THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL (2008) – ERIC BANA

Bana is 16 years older than Scarlett. Bana is also going after Natalie Portman who is 13 years younger than Bana. Actually, as far as the reality of the plot of that movie, Scarlett and Natalie are too old to play the Boleyn sisters and Bana was too young and not fat enough. But whatevs. I’ll give this movie a pass.

VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA – JAVIER BARDEM and PENELOPE CRUZ

Bardem is 15 years older and Penelope is 10 years older. I will say that this makes more sense though in terms of context. Scarlett is running around Spain and hooks up with a married couple, which in fact Bardem/Cruz are married. What I will say is that I didn’t like this movie and the lesbian scene or lack there of between Scarlett and Penelope is one of the biggest lies in pre-movie-hype history.

THE SPIRIT (2008) – GABRIEL MACHT

Still 12 years older.

HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU (2009) – BRADLEY COOPER and KEVIN CONNOLLY

Connolly was mentioned earlier and that ginger hobbit is 10 years older than Scarlett, while Bradley Cooper is 9 years older.

IRON MAN 2 (2010) – ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

They don’t do anything together and RDJ is pretty loyal to Gwyneth Paltrow as far as I remember. I think he does flirt with Scarlett, but he flirts with everybody including Jon Favreau as his bag man Happy Hogan. And she seems into him maybe more for the fact that she’s trying to recruit him to be a member of S.H.I.E.L.D. so I’ll give this a little bit of a slide, but as mentioned they will apparently be love interests with their 20 year age gap in Favreau’s “Chef”.

WE BOUGHT A ZOO (2011) – MATT DAMON

A solid 14 years older.

THE AVENGERS (2012) – JEREMY RENNER

13 years older.

HITCHCOCK (2012) – ?

Didn’t see.

DON JON (2013) – JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT

JGL is 2 years older.

So, what’s all of this mean?

Well, it could be the reason why Scarlett Johansson went crazy and started shacking up with Sean Penn who is 24 years older than her. I don’t remember when they dated, but there’s a potential chance she may have only been 24 years old when she was dating Sean Penn.

She did date Ryan Reynolds who is only 8 years older than her.

Didn’t she date Benecio Del Toro (17 years older)? WHY DOES MY BRAIN REMEMBER THIS BUT NOT OTHER THINGS?!

It seems about average for Scarlett’s male love interest to be a decade older than her.

Just thought that was interesting.

 

Good day, happy dancers and the other people who look sullen by the side of the dance floor who can’t bring themselves to just LET GO of their inhibitions!

Happy Hump Day to all of you! Whether you dance or not, you like to hump, am I right?

So…. this happened.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/this-is-the-most-epic-brand-meltdown-on-facebook-ever

You probably have already seen that phenomenal technological breakdown of a poor restaurant owning couple on Facebook. It’s magnificent. It’s truly a work of art that belongs in a museum in huge Andy Warhol/tomato soup can sized prints and additionally local actors performing each status update in the center of the room with the episode of Kitchen Nightmares projected on a tower of TV screens. If you haven’t read it then I think you should. I’m hyping it up quite a bit.

I’m also listening to Daft Punk‘s new album right now. It’s free and streaming on iTunes. It’s interesting. I’ve seen people debating whether or not it is “disco”. It is disco. I’ll end that discussion right now… IT’S DISCO! There’s nothing wrong with that either. I think most popular music is more or less disco. Most popular songs on the radio are really just overly complicated disco songs. They follow the same formula as disco. Chick singer, singing about love, but it’s really a dance song… That’s disco. But Daft Punk is specifically more disco because I think it’s actually just trying to be disco. It’s a stripped down version of it all and shamelessly being disco. The single “Get Lucky” would’ve been an enormous disco hit if it existed back then instead of debuting like last week. I haven’t gotten through the whole album – still have 20 minutes left – but I like “Get Lucky” a lot.

So… onto the title of the post.

ABC announced it’s fall line-up. All the networks are doing it and since I spent some time on NBC the other day, I thought I’d give ABC some time as well. Which one is ABC again? That’s the peacock, right? The old peacock ABC! … hmmmm… no that’s NBC. NBC has the peacock. What’s ABC got? Well, CBS is the eternal watching eye of Sauron and FOX is known for having it’s old format of having animals attack things and now they have singing competition shows. The WB was a frog with a top hat, but turned into CW and I’ve never turned that network on again. Hmmmm… so ABC? ABC is just ABC, right? American Broadcast Company. Aren’t they all American? I guess not, right? They’re all rowdy communists and ABC is keeping it capitalist American. Fair enough… so what do they have for us this Fall?

ABC’S NEW FALL SCHEDULE

MONDAY

8:00 p.m. “Dancing with the Stars”

Nope. I think I’ve seen one episode of this show. I watched one of the season finales, but I’m not even sure which one it was. There have been several celebrities – usually athletes – that I’m a fan of that have been on this show and I still haven’t watched, so I doubt I’m going to start watching now. They would really need to change the format of simply ballroom dancing to more “You Got Served” style dancing. That I would watch. I would watch the Hell out of the Lachey brothers serving the Hough duo with a pair of former Pro Bowl wide receivers waiting in the wings.

I’d watch at least another episode.

10:00 p.m. “Castle”

Nope. Never.

My parents watch every network television program ever. I don’t even know how it is possible, but they do. It’s more so my dad watching them and DVRing them and my mom patiently watching them with him and her brain has been fully brain washed into thinking that some are worth continuing to watch. And this is one of the shows they watch… and my mom has actually gotten sick of it, which is saying something.

I’ve caught maybe 5 minutes of the show in total while watching the last few seconds of it on a re-run on TNT before the NBA playoffs start and it looks a lot like a less sexy “Bones”. I don’t watch “Bones”, I don’t watch “Castle”, so I won’t be flipping to ABC on Monday.

TUESDAY

8:00 p.m. “Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.”

I’ll watch at least an episode. I’m fully expecting not to like it. I have this suspicion that since I HATE all of the Marvel movies that feature the S.H.I.E.L.D. characters as regular contributors and the fact that I HATE the S.H.I.E.L.D. characters in general that I’ll probably not be into this show. As far as I’ve seen, the S.H.I.E.L.D. characters are all entirely worthless in Thor, Iron Man, Avengers, et cetera. They’re worthless characters who do nothing and now they’re getting a show. I’ll watch an episode, but I’m not guaranteeing much more than that.

9:00 p.m. “The Goldbergs”

JEWS! Who doesn’t love a good Jew, right? Hunh… Holocaust? Spanish Inquisition? The Bible? Whaaaaaaa?

Anyway, I doubt I’ll like this show. I haven’t seen a trailer, so I’m not sure. I do like Jeff Garlin, but I really enjoy Jeff Garlin on “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and this is not going to be that Jeff Garlin.

9:30 p.m. “Trophy Wife”

This show looks like a repositioning of the actors from “Modern Family”. Hot blonde with hot legs, hot Hispanic chick with a chubby boy child, and a few other good looking women then a stupid white son who has a similarly sized sister who is probably smart, but we’ve lost Ed O’Neill and the funny gay couple… unless Michaela and Marcia are lesbians… hmmm… Anyway…

I don’t know. It doesn’t look that interesting. I feel like I’m going to give this Tuesday line-up a shot for at least one week and then probably give up on everyone of these shows a week or two later.

10:00 p.m. “Lucky 7”

It’s interesting because it’s a drama. I haven’t watched the trailer for this either, but it someways it sounds like the plot of “Windfall” which I never watched nor cared to and disappeared pretty quickly. It’s about a group of people working at a menial job where they win the lottery.

So, comic book sci-fi to two family comedies to ensemble drama? Random Tuesday night of TV. SO MANY FEELINGS!

WEDNESDAY

8:00 p.m. “The Middle”

Hate.

8:30 p.m. “Back in the Game”

Sounds like a less interesting TV show version of that Clint Eastwood movie with Amy Adams “Trouble with the Curve”. I doubt I’ll be a regular viewer.

9:00 p.m. “Modern Family”

Yep.

Still a great show. It has some off weeks, but usually they’re quite good. Ty Burrell is always great and the kids have become really great as well. The show has a solid formula and strong enough characters to do many seasons to come.

9:30 p.m. “Super Fun Night”

Well… I wanted to see this show. It sounds decent enough with Rebel Wilson and her friends wanting to blow out their weekend partying to make up for having jobs during the week. I didn’t watch the trailer, but I’ve seen some talk saying that it is pretty paint-by-numbers stuff and focused a lot on making weight jokes about Rebel. Sweet. I’ll give it a watch, but if that’s the case that it is bad then I’ll probably just start DVRing “Modern Family” and watching something else entirely on Tuesdays.

10:00 p.m. “Nashville”

Nerp.

THURSDAY

8:00 p.m. “Once Upon a Time in Wonderland”

Strike 1.

9:00 p.m. “Grey’s Anatomy”

Strike 2.

10:00 p.m. “Scandal”

Strike 3.

YOU’RE OUT, ABC! Caught you looking, motherfucker!

So, I won’t be turning on ABC on Wednesdays.

FRIDAY

8:00 p.m. “Last Man Standing”

Noooooooo.

8:30 p.m. “The Neighbors”

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

9:00 p.m. “Shark Tank”

Not a bad show, but I don’t watch it. I was watching it kind of consistently when I first started dating _dharv. I would drive up to her place on a Friday and spend the weekend. Friday was usually spent with us catching up in person at her place while Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune were on. And then “Shark Tank” would come on at 8pm. We would usually catch some of it before going out and eating at a bar and then seeing a movie. Simpler times, am I right?

We actually tried to go see “The Great Gatsby” last night, but got REJECTED. First time that happened in awhile. Apparently, the 8:10 2D showing was what everyone was aiming for and we didn’t expect that. Whatevs. Better luck next week.

10:00 p.m. “20/20”

Haven’t watched “20/20” in years. My parents used to watch it all the time and thus my childhood was spent watching it. All I have to say about that is…

FUCK YOU, JOHN STOSSEL! I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL!

SATURDAY

8:00 p.m. “Saturday Night College Football”

Meh.

SUNDAY

7:00 p.m. “America’s Funniest Home Videos”

Eesh.

8:00 p.m. “Once Upon a Time”

Gah.

9:00 p.m. “Revenge”

Fart.

10:00 p.m.“Betrayal”

Never.

SO!!!!

Monday is 0 time. Tuesday is a possible 3 hours the first week and a possible 0 hours from then on. Wednesday is a guaranteed half hour with an additional half hour the first week and possibly never again. Thursday and Friday are big fat ZEROES. Saturday is a possible if I for whatever reason feel the need to watch college football on a Saturday night, which happens like once a year. And Sunday is a NOPE.

The grand total of time is????????

4 fours of television watching the first week…

1/2 hour of guaranteed television watching the following week…

WOW!

I was honestly expecting a lot more than that.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Seriously? A half-hour and you’re ABC?! Fucking unbelievable.

ABC is in 4th place right now and has been for the past year and a half or so. They cancelled the best show they had which was “Happy Endings” and I was a fan of “Don’t Trust the B- in Apartment 23” and I did watch “Cougartown” for a period of time. I get that “Suburgatory” will be around whenever it is scheduled to come back, but wowzers. A half-hour? That’s it.

So, are you more or less than a half-hour of TV watching on ABC?

Good afternoon, chicos y chicas!

My guess is 15 to a Spanish Lothario.

More on that later…

I can only assume you are wondering why today and why Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina in particular, and I can only answer that it came to me as a whimsical query while awakening from my Ambien slumber.

There is presumably a lot to talk about in the news like the soccer riots in Paris, which has some mildly hilarious footage on the Youtube. Apparently, if you own a motorized scooter in the Paris city limits, it got trashed. These soccer hooligans went for the easiest target and with that I think we clearly see how unambitious the French have become. Scooters? Just knocking over a scooter? In America, we turn over cars as well as invade other countries, but in Paris – scooter apocalypse! Anyway…

We could talk about the NBA playoffs or Game of Thrones or VEEP or how I’m planning on seeing The Great Gatsby tonight or maybe we could delve into a gun reform debate? Right?

Instead, I was thinking about Gwyneth Paltrow because she is everywhere right now for worse and not for the better. Iron Man 3, Most Beautiful Woman according to People Magazine, and on Chelsea Lately’s show Gwyn said that she gives blowjobs to her husband when she’s angry at him. … yep.

I find that very hard to believe. I find it very hard to believe that someone named Gwyneth is freely giving blowjobs. Maybe someone named Gwen would. Gwen is a fun name. Gwen is a respectable name. Gwyneth is Gwen with an ‘neth’ sound. That ‘neth’ sound is an anchor of anti-fun that drags life to the darkest depths of an ocean of ‘CSI: New York’ repeats. Just saying Gwyneth makes one a 1/10th more sad. Saying Gwen makes one smile. It’s the ringing “n” that is a delightful bell singing to the world. Whereas, ‘neth’ is the surname to the villainous sand worm that reeks havoc on a fairytale princess’ village.

Gwen is that girl who smiled all the time in school who you never got to really know, but you think about her fondly and genuinely hope she is doing well when you eventually Facebook stalk her.

Neth is that sewage like poop that comes out of you when you’re sick and you think about calling a doctor, but you’re afraid they’re going to want to see a sample of it and you know it’s not possible, but you’re afraid if you do somehow get a sample of it without throwing up until you die that the poop is so toxic it might eat through the plastic bag or container you’ve transported it in and it will ruin your clothes, car, purse, bag, or whatever it touches forever.

So, Gwyneth is a mix of those two things with a “y” throw in there for you to shake your head at.

I’m not sure how familiar you are with the Gwyneth Paltrow timeline, so let’s take a quick look at Gwyneth’s life from Wikipeida’s section on Early Life and Personal Life for you to really cultivate and educated guess on when Gwyneth Paltrow lost her virginity…

Paltrow was born in Los Angeles, California, and is the daughter of actress Blythe Danner and the late film producer/director Bruce Paltrow. Her father was Jewish and her mother is from a Christian background, and Paltrow was raised with “both Jewish and Christian holidays”.

Almost exactly like me, minus ALL THE MONEY. I, too, was born to a pretty blonde mother of Christian origins and to a glasses wearing, frizzy haired, Jew father. We celebrated both sets of holidays as well and none of this is at all interesting nor telling about when either of us lost our virginity.

Her father’s Ashkenazi family immigrated from Belarus and Russia, while her mother’s ancestry is Pennsylvania Dutch and white Barbadian.

Never heard of “Barbadian” before. It’s one letter away from “Barbarian” which is infinitely cooler. I have a lot more German and Irish ancestry thrown in there than Paltrow.

Paltrow’s paternal great-great-grandfather, whose surname was “Paltrowicz,” was a rabbi in Nowogród, Poland. Paltrow has a younger brother, Jake Paltrow, and is a half-cousin of actress Katherine Moennig, and a second cousin of former U.S. Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords (AZ-08).

Whoop-dee-doo… I have an older sister named Lauren and a cousin named Leyna who married a guy whose parents own a few Mr. Softee trucks and another cousin named Susan who married a guy who owned a bar in Baltimore before his business partners screwed him out of it and there are a few other ones out there that have names and did things. So whatever… ‘neth’.

Paltrow was raised in Santa Monica, where she attended Crossroads School, before enrolling in the Spence School, a private girls’ school in New York City.

Here we go…

So, a private girls’ school in NY Cit-tay. Let’s pump the breaks right there… We all know girls who went to private girls schools are nymphomaniacs. Or were nymphomaniacs. I mean we’ve seen that in countless movies and television shows and in our dreams every night from the year 1997-2004. Could she have lost her virginity then? Completely possible.

She could have definitely lost her lesbian virginity. Definitely. That’s possible with all these girls and my own hopes. But I’m thinking this is not an all girls school where there are dorms. I’m not sure there were dorms? I know some people who went to high school in NYC and they definitely didn’t stay in a dorm or anything. So, I feel like she probably wasn’t in a dorm and was more likely living with her parents wherever which is a lot less sexy.

Later, she briefly studied anthropology at the University of California, Santa Barbara, before dropping out to act. She is an “adopted daughter” of Talavera de la Reina (Spain), where at 15 she spent a year as an exchange student and learned to speak Spanish.

BINGO BANGO!

First, did Gwyneth Paltrow refer to herself as the “adopted daughter” of a city in Spain? Can I call a mother of 2 out for being a douchebag? If I can do that then I will. I lived in Philadelphia for 5 years and I don’t call myself the “adopted son” of Philly. Maybe because it doesn’t sound as fancy as Talavera de la Reina, but I bet I know shit ton more about Philly than she does about Talavera de la Reina.

Nevertheless, I do believe this is where a young Gwyneth Paltrow allowed herself to be deflowered for the first time on international soil by a local boy of similar age whose hair was made up of dark curls with eyes that shimmered like polished onyx and whose breath tasted of lime and skin was as warm as a freshly served quesadilla and whose tongue danced with Gwyneth’s as if they were whispering the word “paella” over and over into each other until the sun rise.

Yes! YES! This Casanova of carnitas in the center of Spain coyly watched the angel blanco with flaxen hair they called Gwyneth from a distance as he kicked his futbol ball around the streets below her ivory. He dreamed of her. Imagining she was from a distant planet and how the two would never be able to understand each other. After several months of watching from afar a chance meeting took place when Gwyneth was escorted through the streets to practice the language she had been diligently learning from her books, tutors, and maids.

While on their walk through the marketplace, an errant kick from the boy’s friend of the futbol ball caused the boy to give chase and not mind where he was going and accidentally run into Gwyneth. The escort wanted to have the boy arrested and taken to the jails, but it was Gwyneth who spared him when she saw her own reflection in his bright eyes. Right then, she understood for the first time what all these 1987 classic pop songs like Whitney Houston “I wanna dance with somebody” and Los Lobos re-release of “La Bamba” was all about. What the secret messages of unrequited love meant.

From there, Gwyneth began to sneak out of her home at nights to be with the boy. She began to see the city in a way she had never experienced through her windows or gated garden. Gwyneth tasted foods and listened to music by firelight and felt the wild Earth between her toes and against her fair skin for the first time. It was invigorating, it was raw, and this new desire needed to be satiated.

With “Open Your Heart” by Madonna playing on cassette tape, Gwyneth took the boy to her bed and what transpired did not rob either of their innocence, instead it imbued their innocence everlasting in them to the point that the boy never had sex again and became a priest and explains Gwyneth’s naivete to run a website trying to appeal to the average mother while at the same time telling them to buy $900 throw blankets without a second thought of how fucking ridiculous that is.

At the age of 24, Paltrow was engaged for six months to actor Brad Pitt, whom she dated from December 1994 to June 1997. The engagement was called off, according to Paltrow, because she was not ready for marriage, and she later felt responsible for hurting Pitt since she was “such a mess” during that time in her life. Paltrow has since said that, as this was her first high-profile relationship with another celebrity, it taught her the need for public discretion about her romantic life; she told Biography magazine, “I said things about being in a relationship [with Brad Pitt] that felt wrong to me even as I was saying them.”

OR Paltrow could have lost her virginity to a movie star or something. I doubt she held onto it until 24 and gave it to Brad Pitt on the set of Seven.

Maybe she lost it to Matthew Perry on the set of Deadly Relations in 1993… errr… nah. Nothing against Matthew Perry, but everyone likes to think of him as the living embodiment of as the fictional character he played on Friends, Chandler Bing, but he’s not. “Friends” didn’t start until ’94, so I’m sure Gwyneth probably skipped over Mr. Perry.

Really her first big role was in “Jefferson in Paris”, so I guess there’s a decent enough chance that Nick Nolte or director James Ivory de-virginized her.

Paltrow had an on-off three-year relationship with actor Ben Affleck from 1997 to late 2000. Soon after their breakup, Paltrow persuaded Affleck to work in the film Bounce with her; during the making of the film, which was shot in mid-1999, the couple started dating again and eventually broke up in October 2000.

Well, she didn’t learn too much from her relationship with Pitt when she jumped into another one with Affleck who was a big star at that time. I honestly forgot all about that. Ben Affleck has joked that he hasn’t had many girlfriends and the only ones he’s had are the ones we all know about… the ones we know about are GWYNETH PALTROW and JENNIFER LOPEZ. That’s enough right there, bud.

Anyway… we’re way past the virginity phase of Paltrow’s life. I do have to mention that it’s funny she had to persuade Affleck into make “Bounce” with her. It’s a wildly forgettable movie that someone should have persuaded her to not do. As for Affleck, I mean it’s funny that he had to be “persuaded” considering he was making some really shitty movies during that period of time, so why was he even questioning anything. Seriously, you probably just finished or were in the middle of doing “Reindeer Games” – anything is better than that.

In October 2002, Paltrow met Chris Martin of the British rock group Coldplay backstage three weeks after the death of her father, Bruce Paltrow. They married on December 5, 2003, in a ceremony at a hotel in Southern California. The couple have two children together: Apple Blythe Alison Martin (b. 2004) and Moses Bruce Anthony Martin (b. 2006). Paltrow explained Apple’s very unusual first name on Oprah, saying: “It sounded so sweet and it conjured such a lovely picture for me – you know, apples are so sweet and they’re wholesome and it’s biblical – and I just thought it sounded so lovely and … clean! And I just thought, ‘Perfect!’.” She explained her son’s first name came from the song, titled “Moses”, that her husband wrote for her before their wedding.

“Moses” is not from the Bible? You name your kid Moses and it has no Biblical implications, but Apple does? DOUCHE. Anyway…

Chris Martin famously has stated he didn’t lose his virginity until he was 22.

That would’ve been in 1999 and right before Coldplay’s “Parachutes” debut dropped and I can only assume that he popped his cherry while listening to Sugar Ray or the official soundtrack to Will Smith’s “Wild Wild West”.

Paltrow cut down on work after becoming a mother. She also suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her son, Moses.

Paltrow’s father came from a long line of influential East European rabbis, and that inspired Paltrow to raise her daughter and son in a Jewish environment. Paltrow has stated, “if you could see how much food I make – I am the original Jewish mother”.

Of course, you are. Telling kids they’re a failure because they eat a candy bar is a super Jewish mother move.

Anyway…

So, my final answer is Gwyneth Paltrow lost her virginity to a Spanish streetboy in 1987.

I’m open to the possibility of a drama teacher at the private girls school in the late 80’s or Coolio on the set of “Higher Learning”.

What are your thoughts?

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