Hi.

Does everyone remember how “first” was the most popular meme on the internet for like two years? Where every time someone would post an article or post a thread on a message board or really anything that allowed comments – someone would race to be the first person to reply ‘first’ to said thing for the sole purpose of being the first asshole to write an asshole remark?

Well, that’s been replaced by the “tight end to wide receiver” joke regarding any and all Aaron Hernandez stories on the ENTIRETY of the internet.

Yeah, we get it. You didn’t think of that joke first anymore than the person who first made that joke maybe a billion years ago.

Anyway…

If you hadn’t heard about this then you probably live in another country not named the United States of America, so I’ll do a quick recap…

There’s this guy named Aaron Hernandez.

Aaron plays professional tackle football in the NFL for the New England Patriots.

Actually, that’s in the past because Aaron just got cut from the Pats and is currently sitting in a jail cell awaiting his murder trial for the murder of Odin Lloyd.

Apparently, the 24 year old with a bright future in the NFL following back-to-back great seasons as a Tight End, he decided to do something that was the silliest and COMMIT FIRST DEGREE MURDER. Isn’t that silly?

I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but AARON HERNANDEZ TOTES KILLED THAT GUY.

Ok… well… at least it COMPLETELY SEEMS THAT WAY.

Let’s get a look at the order of events that the Bristol County, Massachusetts prosecution has arranged on that fateful night of Aaron Hernandez throwing away his life as a highly paid professional athlete with what looked like a great career ahead of him playing for a team that is a perennial top contender for the confines of a death row prison cell.

I nabbed this timeline from … http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nfl-shutdown-corner/prosecution-details-events-says-led-odin-lloyd-murder-204349177.html

June 16

Day after my BERFDAY!

9:02 p.m.: Hernandez texts a friend out of state, saying “please make it back.”

Clingy much?

9:05: Hernandez texts Lloyd that he wants to get together.

Is this going to be about what I think this is going to be about?

9:35: Hernandez texts a friend in Connecticut that says “get your ass up here.”

Worst friend ever.

10:23: Hernandez texts the same friend, “Hurry your ass up.”

If my “friend” was constantly telling me where and when my “ass” needed to be places then the next person I murdered with them would be them.

McCauley indicated that Hernandez recently had 14 surveillance cameras installed in his home. Video from the cameras show two men arriving at Hernandez’s home in North Attleboro. Later footage shows Hernandez with a firearm. At one point, Hernandez says to one of the men that he “can’t trust anyone anymore,” according to McCauley.

McCauley is the prosecutor, by the by.

Aaron Hernandez may have never watched a single episode of police drama of any kind whatsoever. He’s video taping himself with the murder weapon? The person you can’t trust Aaron is yourself. BOOM!

June 17

1:12 a.m.: The three men depart Hernandez’s home in a silver Nissan Altima, according to surveillance video, cell phone towers and cell phone records.

All publicity is good publicity? When you plan your next convoluted murdering – rent a Nissan Altima for its solid MPG rating, affordability, ability to sit 4 comfortably, and ample trunk space.

Cell towers track their movement south on Interstate 95. At some point, they turn around, then head north before stopping at a gas station on Route 128.

It’s the future!

2:10: Hernandez buys gas, a pack of Bubblicious gum and rolling papers.

All of these things easily could have been purchased much much much earlier.

2:32: The silver Altima arrives at Lloyd’s house. Hernandez sends a text message: “We’re here.”

No knock?

Lloyd’s sister watches Odin Lloyd leave the house and get into the silver Altima. Neighborhood surveillance video shows Hernandez arriving in the neighborhood as well.

Surveillance video tracks the car around Boston.

It’s the future!

McCauley explains that during ride back toward North Attleboro, Hernandez tells Lloyd that when they were at a club, Rumor, the previous Friday night, “certain things upset him,” including Lloyd talking to some people Hernandez had “troubles” with. McCauley did not indicate how he obtained this information.

This is interesting because this can only mean that one of the other two guys must’ve talked. If Hernandez said it himself then that would be absurd and they would’ve mentioned it I think. So, Hernandez’s buddies who he keeps yelling at them about their ass’ tardiness are selling him out.

Prosecution says the text indicates the “temperature” in the car.

Not sure what that means, but I like it.

3:07: Lloyd texts his sister, “Did you see who I was with?”

McCauley suggests that this indicates the “temperature” in the car.

Lloyd does not receive a response.

3:11: Lloyd texts his sister again, “Hello.”

3:19: Lloyd’s sister responds, “My phone was dead. Who?”

SMH. Bitches always be letting their phone battery drain. All that instagramming of their food and shit.

3:22: Lloyd responds, “NFL.”

Love that they call him ‘NFL’.

3:23: Lloyd: “Just so you know.”

By this point, the four men inside the silver Altima have gotten off I-95 on Route 152, near Hernandez’s home, McCauley says records show.

3:23 a.m.: McCauley says surveillance video shows the Altima at a fork in the road. McCauley indicates that one way leads to Hernandez’s home, the other down a gravel road where Lloyd’s body would later be found. Video shows Hernandez’s car going down the gravel road behind a group of industrial buildings.

Is there even going to be a trial? Seriously! This alone is jail worthy. Who the fuck else killed Odin Lloyd? They drove him to his murder spot right before he got murdered! Unless, a serial killer was standing there waiting for them at that murder spot then they fucking murdered Mr. Lloyd.

3:23-3:27: People working the overnight in the industrial park hear gunshots.

C’mon!

3:27: Silver Altima is viewed coming out of gravel road.

3:29: Video at Hernandez’s home shows the silver Altima pulling into his driveway.

McCauley states that the distance between where Lloyd’s body was found and Hernandez’s home is a 2-minute drive.

CASE FUCKING CLOSED!

It can’t get any more CASE FUCKING CLOSED than this.

The crime scene:

• According to McCauley, police found five shell casings – three at Lloyd’s feet, two some distance away.

• An autopsy showed two wounds to the chest – one near the left nipple, the other near the right nipple.

That’s totally a reference from “The Wire”. Honestly, I think a lot of this is Aaron Hernandez thinking he’s fucking Marlo Stanfield and would be able to be a gangster and get away with a murder. Seriously, Aaron killed this guy because he talked to some people he didn’t like at a bar? That’s it?! Some of my best friends are friends with people I cannot fucking stand. But you don’t see me killing anyone over it. I mean I once had to listen to one of my friend’s tangential friends tell me that China was going to take over the US within the next 10 years for no other reason than he had taken a vacation to China and read Donald Trump say the same thing and believe me I wanted that kid dead RIGHT THE FUCK THEN. People! China hasn’t fucking defeated Tai-fucking-wan … they’re not taking over the fucking U.S.A. And, when did people start thinking Donald Trump knew what he was talking about? The guy is giving apprenticeships to Gary Busey.

• Lloyd did not appear to be robbed, as he still had his wallet, phone and keys.

McCauley explained that Hernandez returned the Altima to a rental car agency, with the driver’s-side mirror missing. A worker at rental agency discovered a shell casing under the driver’s seat, next to a piece of Bubblicious gum. The shell casing and the gum were tossed into a garbage bin, where police later found them.

This I’m absolutely blown away by. And, I’m curious about because I’m guessing this means they were futzing with their guns in the car earlier and dropped a bullet in the car and just forgot about it? They said Odin got shot 5 times and they found 5 shell casings at the crime scene. Did they fire a sixth shot inside the vehicle? That’s almost crazier than murdering a guy and dumping the body a minute from one’s house and pretty much videotaping yourself doing it.

There’s no more evidence?

Like Aaron and his buddies yelling “WE SUCCESSFULLY KILLED ODIN LLOYD WITH THESE GUNS!” as they popped bottles of champagne in Aaron’s kitchen holding up a newspaper and the murder weapons?

Or maybe a scene of them smashing their phones and the security system (which they did) and saying out loud “we need to smash these electronic devices because they pretty much recorded us before and after killing Odin Lloyd and we wouldn’t want them used on us during the eventual trial!”

Good riddance, Aaron. What a fucking idiot and terrible person.

 

Bark bark, barkers and barkerettes!

Just 17 days ago, Danielle and I adopted a dog.

That dog’s name is Coco.

This is Coco.

I took this picture last night while Danielle and I were busy feasting on bison burgers and mac & cheese and Coco – forlorn – stared at us sleepy eyed and quietly prayed in her Coco head that we would mistakenly feed her the next bite of bison burger to her Coco mouth and not our own. Sadly, for Coco, Coco did not get any bison burger.

I have been lazy about taking pictures of Coco. I’ll fully admit that. Danielle has taken many great pictures of Coco, so Coco’s 17 days have not gone undocumented. But today, I thought enough was enough and it’s time to take some pictures of Coco.

Unbeknownst to Coco…

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… her usual nap time – the hours between 9am and 5pm – was about to get a lot more annoying.

This is Coco sleeping next to me and being slow absorbed by the couch.

As one can see, Coco has made herself right at home as we had hoped and she’s usually found assed out either on one couch or the other couch or in her bed or on this one blanket in the other bedroom or if she’s hot Coco might be laying outstretched on the wood floor or the kitchen tiles with her genitals firmly pressed against the cool ground.

I think in this picture you can see the differences in color pretty well. Coco is dark and at first glance would appear to be black, but Coco is actually quite a lot of dark dark brown. Oh yeah, and SHE’S MOTHERFUCKING ADORABLE.

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LOOK AT THAT FACE! THAT WRINKLY FUCKING FACE! LOOK AT HER FRECKLES! I GIVE THE SOFTEST, GENTLEST, TINIEST KISSES TO THOSE FRECKLES!

As you can see, Coco’s got a cute as shit face. From this profile you can see that although it is white, there is a lot of Coco’s pink skin coming through. You can really see a mix of doggie skin and her white fur, which is obviously a drastic contrast to the rest of her dark face and body.

And the hair is short and a lot softer than it looks. Coco’s hair looks bristly, but it’s not really. It has its bristly moments on her back if you’re acting like a lunatic and petting against the grain, but outside of that Coco’s hair is soft.

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THIS IS THE FUCKING SOFTEST HEAD AND THERE’S SO MUCH OF IT. SO MUCH OF IT BECAUSE ONCE YOU START PETTING THE TOP OF COCO’S HEAD – YOU NEVER WANT TO STOP AND YOU WANT TO USE BOTH HANDS, SO THAT’S WHY COCO HAS SUCH A BIG FUCKING HEAD! IT’S AN EVOLUTIONARY STEP BECAUSE YOU CAN’T HAVE A SMALL NOGGIN’ WITH THIS KIND OF SOFT HAIR THAT YOU’RE GOING TO WANT TO USE TWO FUCKING HANDS TO PET!

More freckles plus a little shmutz or something in the middle of her head. I don’t know what that is, but it makes me smile inside my heart every time I see it.

Also, from here, you can see and you’ll continue to see that Coco does have scars. Lots of them. Coco was abused and that makes me want to feed people to a roaring furnace and instead of doing that – I just give Coco so many kisses that she’s like I think you have intimacy issues and those issues are that you are too fucking intimate.

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Here’s Coco’s ear. It feels like velvet. Because Coco’s ear feels like velvet, I’m constantly rubbing them and my hands get coated in her ear oil and my hands stink of her ears. I’m not sure if that is something that will ever help me in the wild, but it’s what is going on.

You know how if you look at a bulb of garlic and immediately your hands start to smell like they are actually made of matured garlic? That’s what’s going on, but with Coco’s ears.

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This is Coco’s pink and teal houndstooth Martha Stewart collar.

Coco is fucking fashionable.

More fashionable than her owner who is taking these pictures.

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Coco’s back paws are white.

It’s kind of like she’s wearing “athletic” socks, which cut off just past one’s heel. I don’t know why those are really all that “athletic” because to me they’re just the socks that I have that I cannot trust to stay on my damn foot all day without being constantly cared for.

Coco’s nails also alternate colors.

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This is Coco’s nubbin’ of a tail.

There is a sad story behind this tail and they awful job her asshole previous owner did at docking it, but let’s not talk about that.

Let’s instead focus on how fast said nubbin’ goes back and forth when Coco’s happy. It’s literally hilarious. It’s as if Coco’s tail has literally gone insane and is a robot that is about to explode in any cartoon movie because Coco and her tail are so happy to see you.

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You’ll have to tilt your head to the left.

Coco’s white and black markings continue onto her chest and underbelly.

Coco loves getting her belly rubbed and her chest scratched and Coco loves rolling onto her back.

Specifically, Coco loves rolling onto her back in the grass or on the carpet and then shimmy-ing back and forth to rub her back and her butt on said grass or carpet.

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Here’s a close-up of Coco’s tummy.

For one, it is kind of like pig’s tummy. There’s some hair, but it’s a lot of warm skin that wants to be generously rubbed.

The green line or teal line or whatever is actually a tattoo indicating that Coco was spade by the SPCA. So, Coco and I are also tattoo buddies. Mine are more elaborate, but in all honesty her’s are more meaningful.

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IT’S INNER THIGH! It’s not a crotch shot. I made sure to leave that out. I’m not running an American Apparel ad for Coco. Although, it is close…

Just wanted to really highlight the markings and how they continue to swirl and move along Coco’s legs as well.

Coco is also a big fan of all petting and rubbing of her meaty legs. Honestly, Coco just wants you to pet her pretty much everywhere and pretty much all the time.

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And she’s cool with you futzing with her feet.

Or at least is cool with me doing it.

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And if you’re wondering, Coco is still pretty much asleep while I’m doing all of this.

This is Coco’s name tag, which is clearly as understated as her owners.

Actually, Danielle and I went to pick out a dog tag at PetSmart and this was one of the mock dog tags that was already made up as an example and we thought it was perfect and/or providence.

And if you’re really wondering…

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No, she’s not drugged.

Coco is very sweet and doesn’t mind me moving her around or rubbing her belly or touching her ears and feet.

Coco just wants to be loved and lay on the couch, which she’s getting a lot of both.

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Also, Coco’s pretty jacked.

It’s kind of hard to tell in this picture, but Coco’s got a body like bronze, silver, and gold medal winning sprinter from Team USA – Carmelita Jeter.

I wish the Olympics were happening right now!

I miss the Olympics.

I miss Carmelita.

Anyway…

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I want to get a good shot of Coco’s muscly thighs, but she just rolled onto her back for my belly and chest rubs.

I’ll have to get a good picture, I know that Danielle has taken a couple, of Coco flat laying chest down with her thigh muscles prominent.

It’s pretty amazing how out of shape I look in comparison to Coco. I mean in general I’m not in shape, but Coco’s like ripped and toned with her muscles.

Whatever. I can still pick up this 60 pound mush and give her all the pets.

Also, Coco loves to sleep on her side and under the covers in our bed with her head on a pillow… LIKE A FUCKING HUMAN! It’s the cutest fucking thing.

So, that’s Coco.

How-dee?

I enjoyed your comments on yesterday’s post.

And, today, I will reward those comments by saving you money – money that you probably were not going to spend on these July movies anyway.

So, we’re knee deep into Summer and Summer is supposed to mean BLOCKBUSTER movies and sadly nowhere in the description of a BLOCKBUSTER movie does the word “good” appear. For a BLOCKBUSTER can just be big and expensive, while good can be absent.

That’s not to say July is full of only BLOCKBUSTER movies. No, it is also full of smaller films that look just as unworthy of your time and/or money.

I’ve only given this list a once over and I was thoroughly unimpressed, but maybe there will be a few gems that I missed. Either way, you may want to put some gasoline in the ole’ Netflix machine because I’m not sure how much time you’re going to be spending at the movies.

Before I get to that, the funny thing about the movies is that they’re only getting more and more and MORE expensive. And, people are still going to see movies in droves. And the movie businesses out there are thinking of ways to maximize profits at movie theaters and all of their ideas involve making the unfortunate souls who go to movie theaters spend more money on those precious tickets that they purchased. I would think that a movie theater at some point would use the tactic that most other businesses use when trying to gain revenue and that is to actually LOWER the price of something and/or offer a MOTHERFUCKING deal instead of knocking us over the head with a metaphorical nightstick and stealing the change from our pockets.

For “World War Z”, the brilliant fuckwads at where ever thought that they should charge people $50 for a ticket, which enabled them to see a movie that has gotten thoroughly average ratings a week earlier and a copy on iTunes or something. The copy on iTunes is certainly a good idea, but not $50 worth. I’m surprised theaters don’t work like see 5 movies and get the 6th for free kind of deal or one day a week you get a free popcorn with two tickets or whatever. But what do I know.

Anyway… let’s get to some of these movies.

JULY MOVIES!! THEY PROBABLY STINK!!

DESPICABLE ME 2

I never saw the first one and I doubt I’ll see this second one. Are these movies supposed to be good? I have seen mixed reviews on them, but I thought that these weren’t well liked. I have only seen the commercials and they look pretty decent for a kids movie. I imagine those yellow tic-tac looking guys are hilarious to kids. I have seen grown ass adults laughing at those commercials with those tic-tac guys beating each other up like the Three Stooges.

I’ll never see it, but if you have kids or a penchant for going to see kids movies high then I’m guessing this will be in your future.

THE LONE RANGER

Ugh.

I thought for sure that “World War Z” wouldn’t do well. I think the advertising for that movie fucking horrible, but it did quite well in the theaters this weekend. Way better than I was anticipating. I definitely thought it would be under $50 million. I thought around $40 million or so. But it did well. So, I don’t know what to think about “The Lone Ranger”. I would think that it shouldn’t do well based on Disney flopping a lot recently and the fact that this movie looks fucking TERRIBLE, but people went to see those Pirates movies that Depp did and this has Depp again, Gore Verbinski again directing, and it looks identical tone wise.

I hope this flops, but it will probably do well. Maybe not Despicable Me 2 well, but it will do well. But it looks fucking TERRIBLE. It looks like the same shit Pirates was with Depp playing an eccentric character who just walks through cataclysmic action scenes and comes out on the other side unscathed. This movie looks specifically like the first Pirates movie with Armie Hammer playing the lead like Orlando Bloom was playing, but really everyone is there for Depp.

I’m not seeing it.

Does anyone remember when this movie was supposed to be really supernatural and that the Native Americans were supposed to be werewolves – sound familiar? – and the Lone Ranger and Johnny Depp were going to be hunting them to stop them from I guess taking over the Western half of the United States?

Yeah, me neither.

STUCK IN LOVE

Here’s one of those smaller movies I was thinking about that also sound terrible.

The plot is convoluted and really is about a family that is all screwed up about relationships, so that’s original.

The reason I even mention this is the utter ridiculousness of the main character and his two love interests and how one of those love interests is yet again playing a role I do not understand…

Greg Kinnear is the lead. Greg Kinnear’s ex-wife in the movie is Jennifer Connelly. Seriously? Greg Kinnear is pining over Jennifer Connelly and, at the same time, having sex with Kristen Bell. KRISTEN BELL! So, the makers of this movie chose Jennifer Connelly to play the way too hot wife who is a bad wife choice YET AGAIN and thought that Kristen Bell who is 17 years younger than him would be a perfect choice for his sex interest? I don’t get it. Although, I don’t get Kristen with Dax, so whatever I guess.

As for Connelly, she is routinely cast as a wife who is either a bad wife or the ex-wife or the soon to be ex-wife. Jennifer Connelly has been pigeon holed as a woman you will not have a happy marriage with. Why? She is divorced in real life, but that seems a little harsh considering a lot of these people are. Either way, I don’t get why she’s always in that role and at the same time not in many roles in general.

THE WAY, WAY BACK

The guys who wrote “The Descendants” are writing a coming of age story about a 14 year old boy (ugh) and have cast a lot of funny people around this kid like Steve Carell, Toni Collette, Sam Rockwell and so on. The movie also takes place at a water park mostly I believe. I don’t know what to make of this movie. I’m really not interested in that story at all. I do like some of the people in it. I didn’t like “The Descendants”, but I’m willing to see other movies written by Jim Rash and Nat Faxon because I do like those guys as actors.

So… I probably won’t see this unless it gets crazy good reviews.

Listen, I’m 30 years old and I don’t have kids, so at the present time – I couldn’t give a bigger flying fuck about what a 14 year old boy is going through in life. Ya dig?!

COFFEE TOWN

First movie by whoever is in charge over at CollegeHumor. I really know nothing about this minus there are some good people like Glenn Howerton in it (Dennis from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia). I’ll probably forget this movie exists and possibly see it one day on Netflix when I’m hungover. I don’t know.

CRYSTAL FAIRY

Michael Cera folks. I actually really like Michael Cera and think he is a talented dude. This movie could be quite funny and interesting, I’m not sure if it is going to be like a stereotypical indie movie where it takes you on a nice journey and you seem to enjoy it, but when it is over you feel unfulfilled. Some may say indie movies are adhering to that philosophy of the journey means more than the end, but I think most indie movies really only think as far as their second act and the third act is just when the second act ends. There’s no conclusion in most indie films outside of whatever the big climax is being over.

Anyway, this movie is a roadtripping drug movie in Chile with Michael Cera, seemingly two Chileans, and a hippie chick named Crystal Fairy. They get high on a bunch of stuff and play around in Chile. Could be fun. Could be underdeveloped as well.

Either way, Michael Cera is working a lot nowadays and is making strides to play darker and more out there characters and I’m looking forward to it.

GROWN UPS 2

NEXT!!!!! SKIIIIPPPP!!!!

At one time, I was a huge fan of all of these guys like I think most people were at one time or another and now I can’t stand the sight of them. Sounds like I won’t be seeing this movie.

PACIFIC RIM

I’ll see it. And it does look fucking stupid.

I think I wrote about that last week. Check that out.

TURBO

Nah.

Another one of those things where I haven’t spawned a smaller version of myself out of my lady’s vagina, so I’m not going to see this movie.

THE CONJURING

Not seeing this random horror movie. Remember when horror movies were only out around October? Yeah, me neither.

GIRL MOST LIKELY

Terrible movie title. Either way, it is Kristen Wiig playing a whacky lady who is aimless in life and who tries to fake her on suicide only to end up on the Jersey shore with her crazier mother. So, this could be funny.

I’ll probably forget this movie exists because what the fuck am I supposed to do with that title?

ONLY GOD FORGIVES

I WILL SEE THIS!

I’m disappointed to here and read that this Nicolas Refn movie starring the one and only Ryan Gosling has gotten less than good reviews. I’m curious about this movie for sure. I loved “Drive” and I have seen Refn’s other movies. I’m not sure what to make of people walking out of the movie at Cannes considering I have liked movies that people have walked out of at Cannes before – The Fountain. At the same time, I can easily imagine Refn making a less than watchable movie because I thought his movie “Valhalla Rising” was completely unwatchable. So, was “Drive” an outlier? It easily could have been. I thought “Bronson” was an interesting movie and yet I thought it was easily dismissible as too absurd to enjoy. And I liked the “Pusher” series, but they were far from brilliant.

I really love all the ideas surrounding “Only God Forgives”. A western tale of revenge told in Thailand and involves Muay Thai kickboxing. So… I’ll definitely see this and I’m definitely worried it could suck just like “Valhalla Rising” did.

R.I.P.D.

No.

I do not want to watch a ripoff of “Men in Black” starring the completely untrustworthy Jeff Bridges and the falling fast Ryan Reynolds. At one time, I thought Ryan Reynolds would be the biggest fucking star and he would be great at it too. And then reality. Reality has been a cruel mistress in terms of what I expected from Ryan Reynolds. It really hasn’t been that cruel to him. I mean he’s probably maintaining his 6 pack sexing Blake Lively 18 hours a day.

Either way, I will never see this.

RED 2

Nope.

Didn’t see the first. That looked bad. Actually, I did almost take Danielle to see the first movie on one of our first dates. I believe that was providence that we didn’t see it and we’re still together because of that. Sure, I have taken her to see MANY bad movies since then – Skyline, Oblivion – but I had already gotten my hooks in pretty deep by that point.

BLUE JASMINE

Woody Allen has a new movie? It’s like he’s making these movies in his basement or something. Remember when Woody Allen movies were a big deal? Well, honestly, I don’t really remember that because I wasn’t alive yet, but that was a thing. That did happen.

Anyway, Woody Allen isn’t to be trusted. Not with you know from way back then, but more so that he has made WAY MORE bad movies than good movies since I’ve been walking this Earth. So, it has a great cast, but all of his movies have great casts, so that doesn’t help.

Plus the movie’s main character is Cate Blanchett and she’s a woman and Woody’s best work is not with women as his main character. His best movies are when he’s the main character or he has someone pretty much playing him and then that person has to deal with a lot of eccentric woman side characters. That’s usually when he’s at his best. But whatever. See it, don’t see it.

THE TO DO LIST

A bunch of funny comedic actors with Aubrey Plaza at the lead trying to have all sorts of sex over the Summer of 1993 before she heads to college. So, American Pie with cassette tapes and neon and female characters who do more than simply get topless. Sounds pretty good, right?

THE WOLVERINE

This looks bad.

It’s amazing how this looks similarly bad in all the ways Wolverine Origins looked bad and that the studio specifically went out of their way to try and instill that this movie would be different. It looks fucking identical to Wolverine Origins. The idea that we are doomed to repeat history is perfectly on display in movies and their supposed reboots. They almost always do the same shit as the predecessor. Why? I have no idea, but they’re always the same.

Will I see this? Probably not in the theater. I may wait for it to be on TV or some streaming thing and then watch it on fast forward. It looks fucking bad. Maybe I’ll write later how this movie looks incredibly similar to Origins and how that makes no sense.

SMURFS 2

Nope.

That’s July.

What do you think?

A comedy from Aubrey Plaza, a druggie movie from Michael Cera, a bunch of CGI movies that look fucking unfortunate, and a bunch of kiddie movies with some horror mixed in. Sounds like every other month I guess.

Well, hello there…

Let me begin today’s post with a question on top of the already provocative question asked in the headline…

If you were planning an all ages dance recital with the theme being “Dancing Thru the USA” what would be the first song you would choose to kick off the THREE HOUR extravaganza?

..

.

Do you have an answer?

Is your answer, Shakira‘s song “Waka Waka (This Time for Africa)” also known as the theme song for the 2010 FIFA World Cup, which took place in South Africa? WAS IT?! BECAUSE APPARENTLY THAT’S THE RIGHT ANSWER!

Yep. Yep. Yep.

I mean I can’t think of a better song to start a THREE HOUR dance recital about the United States of America than a song recorded specifically for the last World Cup, which took place in an entirely different continent than the continent you are supposedly honoring with this dance. But hey, who says there needs to be any logic in how one celebrates America because I will say that the dance recital was a very American experience.

To clarify…

On Saturday from the hours of 1 – 4 pm, Danielle and I sat through a dance recital for the Branchville Dance Centre of Branchville, New Jersey where Danielle’s 3 year old niece attends. I, the dutiful boyfriend, accompanied Danielle in watching and clapping for nearly FIFTY – 50 – separate dance acts performed by children as young as 2 to as old as one college chick and a several high school girls.

It had been awhile since I had been in one of these situations. My older sister – 4 years older – definitely took all sorts of dance lessons as a kid and I was forced to sit through her recitals, but as a small child I had a shaky grasp of time, entertainment, and/or absurdity, and I’ve pretty much forgotten most of those recitals. But this recital was just watched in its entirety by my seasoned 30 year old brain in all its comical craziness, awkward sexuality, and unrelenting sparkly outfits.

Speaking of the outfits, if it were just these prepubescent and, recently, pubescent and, at times, very pubescent females just standing on this stage in these outfits without the rolling around on the ground or crotch shot spin kicks or back bends or thrusting or any of that and they were just perfectly still – IT WOULD STILL BE MOTHERFUCKING AWKWARD.

… then you throw in all the gyrations and you’ve got yourself a THREE HOUR show that I definitely should be at let alone FRONT AND FUCKING CENTER AT. Oh yeah, for whatever reason, I was chosen to sit in the middle of the aisle about 4 rows up and dead center staring at 15 year olds in spandex booty shorts just working it to an acapella version of “What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction. … amazing, right?

As mentioned, the show started off with a Lion King like dance number to a song about Africa for a dance recital about America. What followed after that, I can’t remember. Specifically, I guess I drowned out my brain of act 2. But the third dance was the dance that Danielle and I came specifically to see and that was “Boogie Back to Texas” performed by 4 children with less of an understanding as to why any of this was happening than myself.

It was cute. Definitely cute. Cute and funny as kids tend to be. It was four girls all around 3 years old in these sunflower outfits being instructed by their teacher with an ironed-on smile to basically do the hokey pokey dance in front of a sold out audience of ecstatic and intense dance parents. The kids did a few of the moves. One did no moves and stood completely wooden the entire time and most likely didn’t retain any knowledge of that horror of being on stage.

Danielle’s niece had done this before last year, so she was following along to the dance about as good as expected. Put the foot in, put the foot out, put the foot in, wave to the crowd, do the spin a few seconds after the teacher did the spin, talk to the girl next to you, get back to doing the foot thing even though the teacher is doing a hand thing, do the hand thing afterward, spin because you feel like it, wave to the crowd… meanwhile, WE’RE LAUGHING OUR FUCKING HEADS OFF! LIKE FUCKING RICHARD PRYOR’S GREATEST STAND-UP SET OF ALL-TIME IS HAPPENING AND IT IS REDEFINING WHAT FUNNY IS.

As mentioned, as mentioned, the niece “performed” in the third dance of just shy of FIFTY. Which means, we sat and watched 40+ dances that involved kids we could not have given a bigger flying fuck about.

So, what else happened?

Well, the dance of 4 little girls barely functioning to “Boogie Back to Texas” in their sunflower costumes was then IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED by I’d guess a sophomore in High School wearing more or less a nude set of spanx underneath a shear nightie who dramatically interpreted Adele’s “Someone Like You”. … …. …. … … … Yeeeeaaaaapppp.

What does that have to do with America? Directly? I don’t know. Indirectly, I’d guess that this is exactly what is going on in my high school girls’ bedrooms and/or single 40 somethings bedrooms all over America when that song came out thinking about that one guy – that one guy who is now dating Stacey or married to Helen – and just having to let ones emotions out through the art of interpretive dance… in underwear.

The very next dance was the inspiration for the post title…

In a pair of lycra daisy duke shorts and a red sequin halter top, a high school chick tap danced and shook IT for the audience to Luke Bryan’s modern classic “Country Girl (Shake It For Me)”. Mind blowing.

I had never heard this song before. I avoid pop country like the plague… the plague that it actually is… and with one listen I have not been able to get this song out of my head. While I’m not disputing its catchiness nor its obvious popularity at 11.5 million views on the ole’ Youtube, but let’s just be truthful that there is no way that this song isn’t sexual. I don’t care how some people might like to pretend pop country is family friendly, but it isn’t. I mean Luke Bryan is trying to turn “country girls” into strippers and while that is the Lord’s work in my eyes – I’m admittedly not the most holy person you’ll ever read a blog by.

Anyway, the girl was actually pretty great at tap dancing. She was also pretty great at tap dancing and shaking her butt and thighs at the audience. And those were in equal parts what we were watching – some tap dancing, some butt/thigh shaking. And this song is easily 4 minutes long and it was 4 minutes of said activities. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand the difference between what some see as family friendly and what in other venues would be seen as lewd, but I guess it is like a lot of criminal cases and it boils down to intent.

I’m not going to go through all 40 some odd performances, but like I said they ranged from little kids barely moving to a lot of young girls in booty shorts to several fully developed high school girls pretty much tight rope walking the line of community dance troop and halftime show at a Dallas Cowboys’ game.

The positives I took away from it is that tap dancing is not a dead art form, which honestly I’m happy to see it is alive and well. Also, I really need to invest in a spandex booty short manufacture because those things are every where. And, everyone seemed to be having a good time and the like and one 11 year old has actually become successful and will be touring with the Radio City Music Hall Spectacular, so good for that kid.

There were a few boys in this event if you were wondering. There was one really little one who danced with a few fellow aged little girls to “Deep in the Heart of Texas” which was actually very amusing. Another boy tap danced to some song with a few other girls. And then there were 4 boys who were involved in a hip hop dance number with a bunch of girls of the same age.

I didn’t care for the “hip hop” dance numbers for the complete awkwardness of them and the setting of these woodsy white people and older woodsy white people watching them. Plus, all the hip hop numbers eventually had the kids line-up in the two back corners of the stage in what looked like lay-up line drills, so each one could take a running start and then knee-slide across the stage. While, that is completely boring and tiresome after one or two of them doing it, there’s like 20 of them and only a few of them can actually slide more than a foot. Most approached their slide like they were preparing to leap from the top of one building to the next with no hope of clearing the gap.

Also, the one hip hop dance number with the boys really highlighted the difference in outfits between boys and girls very dramatically. They’re all middle-school kids probably 8th grade at the oldest and the boys are wearing baggy JNCO jeans with straps hanging from them and t-shirts and baseball hats. The girls are wearing t-shirts with sweatshirt hoods sewn on and those spandex black booty shorts with knee high socks. Boys – fully clothed. Girls – lots of thigh and butt and sometimes that optical illusion where the t-shirt covers the shorts because they’re that short that it looks like all they’re wearing is a t-shirt and no bottoms at all. Whatever.

I guess my mind is too unwholesome to begin with to see the wholesomeness.

There was an intermission for this marathon show, which came back to a horrible cover of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” possibly by John Mayer with crosses on stage and the 14 year olds draped all over them and then being carried into the air in crucifix pose. So, it wasn’t ALL sexual.

So, there was that.

Mad Men‘s season finale was dull.

VEEP is the best show on television.

I made Danielle watch Guy Pearce and Robert Carlyle’s cannibal period piece Ravenous, which she did enjoy and I highly recommend to everyone ever.

How was your weekend?!

HELLOOOOOOOOO!!!!

So, what’s new?

WORLD WAR Z

The reviews are not as bad as I would expect and yet “Iron Man 3” got good reviews and I would imagine sitting through that would be worse than having my balls massaged by a cheese grater.

Is World War Z anything like the book? Fuck no.

I think we’ve known that for awhile. I think we’ve known that since the very first article written about the World War Z movies was published. In the first articles written about World War Z the movie, the director Marc Forster was quoted as saying this movie would be like a cross between The Bourne Identity and Pirates of the Caribbean… WTF? WTF, Marc?

A book, a famous and beloved book, about a zombie war that already has happened and is told in a series of interviews from people who experienced it years upon years earlier has been turned into a Mission Impossible style movie as Brad Pitt is cast as a character that never existed in the book who will attempt to race around the world to stop an impending zombie war from starting. So… kind of the complete opposite of the book, but still about zombies. … That’s about it.

The reviews for the movie are more favorable than not and yet what they’re favorable about is that it is a mildly entertaining run-of-the-mill zombie movie. Sweet! Another notch in the belt of zombie movies. So this movie is good because it kind of just fills a quota? GREAT! Where can I give you all my money?!

I don’t think this movie will do that well in the theaters this weekend. The trailers are pretty terrible. They don’t show zombies as much as they show a tidal wave of CGI. There isn’t a scene in the trailers where you actually get to see anyone really rasslin’ a zombie, especially Brad Pitt. The most you get out of the trailer is that you’ll see Brad Pitt with long hair, Brad Pitt as a dad, Brad Pitt married to that woman detective from “The Killing”, Brad Pitt in an army helicopter, and that tidal wave of CGI that everyone looks so sad about. Is that supposed to entice people to see this?

The title is the only real selling point WORLD WAR Z, but that selling point is really just for people who even know what World War “Z” means and the people who do know what that means are people who read the book and the people who read the book know they’re not getting the book turned into the movie as much as a completely different movie with just the book’s title. Not that “Z” is some great mystery, but if you showed that trailer to anyone who didn’t know it was previously about zombies, their first guess might not be zombies. They never mention zombies in the trailer nor do they really show zombies like I said before.

I’m expecting a flop. I’m hoping it is. I’m hoping it is because at some point Hollywood/directors/producers should be discouraged from buying licenses and then making a movie that has nothing to do with the original source material.

AND!

Brad Pitt is not the draw some might think he is. Two of the biggest draws in movie history – Tom Cruise and Will Smith – both have experience failures as of late both financially and the movies sucking big old grandpa nuts. Brad Pitt has had some enormous failures financially, which is kind of funny because two of his biggest financial flops are two of his best movies – Killing Them Softly and The Assassination of Jesse James By the Cowardly Robert Ford.

Anyway… I hope this movie flops. AND, I really hope that “The Lone Ranger” flops. There’s a good chance “The Long Ranger” will flop, but there’s also a good chance that parents will fuck that up and take their kids to see that movie. There’s a really good chance that parents will fuck up that flop.

LEBRON JAMES

I’m a fan.

I do like a lot of players on the Miami Heat – Dwyane Wade, Mike Miller, Ray Allen, Mario Chalmers, Chris Bosh has grown on me, BIRDMAN, Norris Cole, Juwan Howard… so really all of them minus Shane Battier, but you take the good with the bad – but I wouldn’t be rooting for this team specifically if it wasn’t for Lebron James.

I would have loved to seen Lebron win in Cleveland. I rooted for him then. I wish he didn’t do The Decision because it was stupid and easy to make fun of, but it happened. And, I didn’t care at all that he left Cleveland. He gave that team more than that franchise ever had before or since and he doesn’t “owe” them anything. He can move to another team that will actually have a good coach, provide a supporting cast, and such. He gave Cleveland more than half a decade to make changes and the changes they made were pathetic.

To win an NBA championship, one needs a team. Not individual talent, but a team. He has a team in Miami and he has two rings in three straight appearances in Miami.

The NBA is a star driven league, but winning a championship is a team sport. For myself, I become a fan of a player and become engrossed in his team. It happened with Michael Jordan, Patrick Ewing, Larry Johnson, Shaquille O’Neal, Shawn Kemp, Allen Iverson, Chris Webber, and many others.

Without any team bias, it’s tough not to root for Lebron. I get people who are diehard _____ fans and that _____ is not Miami and them not rooting for Lebron. I get the idea that you’re rooting for that team, but at the same time as far as watching basketball for the enjoyment of watching basketball Lebron James is the greatest player to watch play this sport in the same way it was to watch Michael Jordan play, Magic Johnson play, Larry Bird play, and so on. He brings that energy to the game on both sides of the court and really is special to watch.

AARON HERNANDEZ

He totally killed that guy.

AND THAT’S WHAT’S GOING ON IN THE WORLD!

So, Danielle and I are taking Coco to the vet for the first time in a few hours. Should be fun?

We might see “This is the End” tonight.

Going to see Danielle’s niece’s dance recital on Saturday, which will be a bunch of 3 year olds in unitards jumping and waving on stage I’m guessing.

I hope you have a great weekend.

Hello there…

I’m sure everyone has read or heard or seen about actor and New Jersey hero James Gandolfini dying yesterday of seemingly a heart attack. Pretty sad. He was an actor that appeared to be loved by all and was obviously most famous for being one of the most famous TV characters in TV history.

Mr. Gandolfini was making a solid move to film acting. He did do plenty of film acting before The Sopranos, but was not really famous for anything except maybe being the guy who beat up Patricia Arquette in “True Romance”. Then of course The Sopranos happened and while some may think it would be easier to then transition to movies because at that point he was so well regarded, but it’s really the opposite. It’s tough to shake off an iconic role and move on, but I think Gandolfini was doing a pretty good job with it.

The last thing I saw Gandolfini in was “Killing Them Softly” where he has two scenes, but they’re a memorable fucking two scenes. Great scenes.

Also, I saw “Welcome to the Rileys” around that time and thought he gave a much better performance than I was expecting. I wasn’t expecting the movie to have as much humor as it did and with that I liked the movie a lot more than I was anticipating.

Sad to see him go with all the possible work he could have still done, but there’s one movie he definitely wouldn’t have been in …

STAR WARS VII REVENGE OF THE FIT

So, today, there were some character details leaked and this is what they are. Let’s see if you can spot the theme through these characters…

Late-teen female, independent, good sense of humour, fit.

Young twenty-something male, witty and smart, fit but not traditionally good looking.

A late twentysomething male, fit, handsome and confident.

Seventy-something male, with strong opinions and tough demeanour. Also doesn’t need to be particularly fit.

A second young female, also late teens, tough, smart and fit.

Forty something male, fit, military type.

THERE ARE NO FAT PEOPLE IN SPACE?! IN THE FUTURE?! OR I MEAN IN THE VERY VERY FAR AWAY PAST?!

Or is every non-fit person or creature just going to be CGI-ed?

Anyway, I like that no matter what attributes you have like having a “good sense of humour” or being “smart” or being “confident” then you’ve got to be – say it with me! – FIT.

So, we’ve got a hot 19 year old chick who can chuckle, a dashing younger Nathan Fillion, a crotchety old man who is thankfully living it up a little in his older years allowing himself to snack every once in a while, another hot 19 year old chick who probably does crossfit and ain’t no dummy, and a stereotypical leaderly type army guy.

Sounds super original, right?

There is actually one more character detail that was leaked and, honestly, I have someone in mind that I think would be PERFECT for the role…

Thirtysomething male, intellectual. Apparently doesn’t need to be fit.

ME!!!!!

BOOM!!!!

I can work a fucking grill too. I’m also into wearing corporate logos, which will be perfect because we know this fucking Star Wars is somehow going to be plastered with Coca-Cola advertisements everywhere.

Anyway…

If someone who knows J.J. Abrams could tell J.J. Abrams that I’m available – and I played multiple years of Lacrosse plus I own a katana, so I could easily master a light saber in days – and I’ll work for half the salary of the previous top candidate. I can work weekends!

And… now, I’ll be disappointed if I’m not in Star Wars VII.

Also, I saw a few articles saying that George Lucas and J.J. Abrams haven’t talked yet about Star Wars.

YEAH?

GOOD! Why the fuck would we want to hear what George Lucas has to say about Star Wars? He proved in grand sweeping fashion that he should be kept 100 miles away from the next Star Wars movie. He fucked up Star Wars so badly that now Disney owns it. That’s crazy! Why would anyone want to hear his thoughts about anything – ever?

The only thing Abrams could gleam from that conversation with Lucas is whatever that monster headed man said then to do the complete fucking opposite of it.

Oh yeah, the guy who thought Jar Jar Binks should rule over a trilogy? Yeah, thanks, but no fucking thanks.

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