Doctor Who? More Like Doctor WHOOTERS, AM I RIGHT?!

June 4, 2013

Hello, Hello, Hallo!

Let’s cut to the chase, I’ve never seen a single episode of Doctor Who.

Not just an episode, but I’d guess I’ve seen less than 5 minutes total of show time – if we add gifs, screenshots, and possible commercials I’ve seen for the British television series.

And I’m not at all expecting to ever watch any more than I already have, but I do know one thing about the show… they’re getting a NEW Doctor Who because they really cannot keep a hold on these fucking Doctor Whos. It’s like they’re losing them in department stores or something.

So, there are all these articles about this subject of who should be the new Who occupying valuable internet space on the websites I frequent because apparently I’m supposed to care about this silly sci-fi show just because I care about other silly sci-fi – I know, right? Like way to pigeon hole me. Pfffttt…

BUT! BUT! BOOBS! errr… something did catch my attention…

Well, hello there, Doctor Whooters.

This is Romola Garai and she is the owner of these lovely boobs and she is also being circulated as a “POSSIBLE” candidate to gender swap the titular role for the TV show.

If you’re not in the know – and I am not – The Doctor seemingly I’m guessing known as Who has been on TV for…


I can’t believe this fucking show is still on TV. It’s like the fucking Fidel Castro of TV shows – it just continues to live on and on and one while each and every American President during its initial run dies of old age.

Yes, it debuted in 1963 and has have a few dips in existence during the 90’s or so I’m reading and it’s had 11 different Doctors.

Is it Doctor Who or Benjamin Button? What is going on here?

Honestly, it seems like if we keep going the way it has been going then Doctor Who should be played by one of the kids from “Modern Family”. Honestly, I’d watch that. If they used either of the sons – Nolan Gould or Rico Rodriguez – I’d watch that. They could play Luke or Manny as Doctor Who and this 50 year old show would gain a new follower for at least a few episodes. I mean Luke could easily win and defeat whatever enemies there are in this TV shows universe through stupid luck and pure insanity or Manny could be spending his days being the romance novel lothario while dumb lucking his may through his enemies.

As for the female kids from Modern Family, Sarah Hyland has stopped growing and would be perfect to play an early 20’s Doctor Who from now until the end of time because I do not think she ages. As for Ariel Winter, well she’s on HGH or something because she’s like 15 and by 16 she’s going to be Sofia Vergara’s mini-me, so she could be ready to play a Doctor Who is constantly mistakenly being served alcohol or allowed to rent a car without an additional fee while being jailbait. And, there’s no question that Aubrey Anderson Emmons who plays Lily is way too good of an actor for Doctor Who, so she’s a no go.


Boobs over here… I mean Romola Garai over here is being mentioned as the possible first female Doctor Who.

I know I have no stake in this show, but I think the show can easily afford having a female Doctor Who for a season or two beautiful boo… seasons, two seasons or so.

I mean it doesn’t have to be Romola. I don’t really know too much about Romola. I know she’s got some great genetics, she’s 30, born in Hong Kong, Hungarian Jewish background, and shockingly she used to be a model.

Looking at her IMDB page, I’ve only seen her in the movie Atonement, which I did not like. It wasn’t Romola’s fault. It had more to do with the movie having little to no point and then killing off the two main characters just to kind of end the movie, which was nice of them. If I could ruin that movie for a moment…


Saoirse Ronan plays a troublesome look-ee-loo.

James McAvoy has sex with Keira Knightley against a stack of books in a library.

Benedict Cumberbatch rapes Juno Temple.

People want to know who raped Juno Temple. Benedict says it wasn’t himself and Juno’s too scared to say it was Benedict. Saoirse Ronan says it was James McAvoy even though she knows it wasn’t him but she’s a complete twat child and wants to ruin Keira Knightley and James’ life because she’s that complete twat child I mentioned before.

FAST FORWARD 15 years or whatever.

Saoirse Ronan grows up to have huge boobs and is played by Romola Garai and she’s working in a military hospital.

Keira Knightley dies.

James McAvoy dies from hypothermia when the war is pretty much over.

Romola Garai feels terrible.

The audience feels terrible for watching it.

End credits.

Besides the sweater puppies, people are mentioning a whole host of other Brit actors ranging from other fay, thin-wrist having boy-men like one would guess. Case in point… Ben Whishaw who you may remember as the waste of time Q in “SkyFall” or the gay guy, piano player who commits suicide in “Cloud Atlas”.

There are a few non-white guys that are being mentioned as well like the guy who plays David Wallace on “Homeland” aka David Harewood. I’ve also seen Dev Patel. And if they’re going to cast Dev Patel then there should honestly be non-stop praise from Doctor Who to “Community” because they’re pretty much stealing the idea of Abed as Doctor Space-Time which is Community joking about Doctor Who obviously.

I’ve seen people mention Chris O’Dowd and to that I say…



You do realize he has a TV show right now in AMERICA. So, he doesn’t need your little island’s cheesy kids show for adults.

And on that note… I don’t even know why I’m even mentioning this but I’ve seen Slate suggesting Emma Watson.



Yeah, I think she’s set with this whole being a movie star thing.


Who the fuck was Matt Smith before Doctor Who?


Who the fuck is Matt Smith now that he’s been Doctor Who for a few years?

You’re going to end up with another Doctor Who that is like most of the others and was a television actor whose biggest career moment was Doctor Who, so it’s probably going to be someone who is unfamiliar…

… if they’re snagging an actual star or film actor then it’s going to be someone who is taking that step down to low-budget genre television because that’s what you’re dealing with. Cult classic or whatever aside, it’s not going to be a mostly unknown on the rise or a used to be on a decline.

So… switch it up. Or don’t. I mean if people are still watching this show all these years later and haven’t gotten bored of what has to be crazy repetitive and I would imagine utterly soulless with all the different actors coming in and out of this role then they’ll like anything they throw at them.

Hmmm… so in essence this was an excuse to show this blonde’s cleavage…

Maybe if this was a few years ago… they could have had this brunette’s cleav- acting instead…

Gemma Arterton could have been a good choice I guess. But she’s making a movies nowadays.

I mean most Brit actors are tied up with Downton Abbey and Game of Thrones. They could just mine Game of Thrones for whoever dies next. Obviously, Richard Madden and Oona Chaplin are open for business.

Eh… whatever.

I hope you find a new Doctor Who or don’t. I mean how will I ever know.

3 Responses to “Doctor Who? More Like Doctor WHOOTERS, AM I RIGHT?!”

  1. Dr. Who is a time traveler, right? I always assumed that’s why they stick with white men? Because white men have always been powerful and a-okay and would blend in during different time periods? If you sent a woman or black man back in time, there might be… issues.

  2. tiffanized said

    I thought Bandicoot Cummerbund was a Doctor. I’ve only watched two episodes of the show and it wasn’t my thing. But I recommend Boniface Cooperstown. He’s tall thin and white.

    Also, I have seen David Tennant’s penis. He was wearing a British police hat at the time. It wasn’t in person, sadly.

  3. MyRobbie said

    Hey there – I guess I agree with Heyybrother about the time travelers having to be white guys. Good point!

    Also, Ramola was in a miniseries made of the book The Crimson Petal and the White, wherein there was lots of boning with the same Chris O’Dowd you mentioned. It was depressing as hell, though. She was really good in it.

    Lastly, I liked your summary of Atonement. While I love Sherlock, it’s taken me some time to not think of Benedict as a rapist because of that movie. The bookshelf sex was amazing, though.

    Really lastly, I feel like the Dr. Who thing is a huge time-suck/rabbit hole from which you never recover. I’ve got a lot on my plate and do not have time for that. Or dat. Whichever.

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