What the FUCK are we listening to? SUIT AND TIE Edition

June 5, 2013

Hey…

I actually was going to write this post a few months ago AND COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT IT. In a sense that is a good thing because I hate this song I’m about to talk about. Either way, still somewhat topical. They’re still playing this shit to death. So… I actually wrote most of this post back in March and none of my feelings have changed.

I’m sure you’ve heard this new Justin Timberlake song a GABABYLONIANILLION times whether you’ve chosen to or not. Honestly, I can’t escape the damn song.

It’s on the radio. It’s on TV. It’s in commercials. It’s stuck in my head. And, last night, I drank 5 beers, which made me a little gassy and I think I farted out the refrain. IT’S EVERYWHERE!!!!

And I hate this song.

I do. I don’t like it at all.

I was never the biggest fan of Justin Timberlake’s other music either. Actually, my favorite song or singing by him in general is the falsetto shit he does in the chorus for that one T.I. song where he’s talking about his friends to the left and in back and whatever else he’s singing. I like that.

I didn’t like “Cry Me A River” although the girl in that video is crazy hot. I recognize “Sexy Back” is fun to dance to, but it’s pretty much him just saying “Sexy Back” and the lyrics he’s whining/singing through and it sounds like a cat trying to get its owner’s attention for more milk or a snack or human meat or whatever cats like. I don’t know. I wasn’t really into his solo stuff.

And N’Sync can go fuck itself.

I think Timberlake is entertaining. He’s a throwback “song and dance” man and I respect the Hell out of him for it. I think he’s definitely earning his keep as an entertainer and a celebrity. On top of that, the dude is white and his natural hair is “Jew Fro” and he rocked corn rows for a minute or two. Nowadays, he looks really Swedish with his straightened hair, which in my head movies I imagine him as a background character in Chris Rock’s documentary “Good Hair” where he gets his hair did with the rest of the sistas down at the local “Beauty Shop” starring Queen Latifah.

Also, the guy has a taste in women I completely respect the Hell out of. His WIFE is Jessica Biel and she’s amazing looking and she’s got one of the best butts on white girl in Hollywood in forever. So, that’s wonderful. There is mention of “thick” in this upcoming lyrical breakdown for these lyrics that are terrible and I’m guessing that is a self-effacing mention of his wife’s great behind. BESIDES Timberlake…

Jay Z? I could say the exact same stuff for him that I did about Timberlake, pretty much. I like Jay Z as a character and as a person seemingly way more than I ever have as an actual rapper. I don’t think he’s a particularly good rapper, but some of his jams are fun to dance along to when you’re flat out vodka drunk and for some reason being forced to dance EVEN THOUGH I’M WHITE. Seriously, I’m physically whiter than most people on Earth, you would think I would get a pass for not really wanting to dance out of embarrassing all future generations of me or the past generations of me that are spirits/ghosts in the corner hiding around looking up women’s skirts.

And Jay Z has good taste in women.

So… let’s get to these terrible lyrics. right?

SUIT AND TIE!!!!!

I be on my suit and tie sh*t, tie sh*t, tie
I be on my suit and tie sh*t, tie sh*t
Can I show you a few things?
A few things, a few things, little baby cause
I be on my suit and tie sh*t, tie sh*t
I be on my suit and tie sh*t, tie sh*t
Let me show you a few things
Let me show you a few things

Besides the obvious of “I be on my” not being grammatically correct and in some ways could be construed as offensive through a racial prism, but let’s not go there, right? He’s a Mouseketeer! He’s not being racist, but being grammatically incorrect on purpose to appeal to “urban” culture where this song will dominate in dance clubs with the assistance of a prominent rapper. Right? RIGHT?!

Obviously, the radio version cuts out the “shit” following “suit and tie”, which is actually a public service because THERE’S NO REASON TO SAY “SHIT” FOLLOWING “TIE”, YOU JACKASS! Your “tie shit”? You be on your “tie shit”? WHEN AND ON WHAT PLANET?!

And, I’m THOROUGHLY fucking creeped out by Tims telling this “little baby” he’s going to show it a “few things”. Uggggghhhhh… douche chills all the way up my colon.

[Verse 1]
I can’t wait til I get you on the floor, good-looking
Going out so hot, just like an oven
And I’ll burn myself, but just had to touch it
It’s so fly and it’s all mine
Hey baby, we don’t mind all the watching
Cause if they study close, real close
They might learn something
She ain’t nothing but a little doozy when she does it
She’s so fly tonight

Stop calling everyone “baby”, you fucking weirdo.

I mean I get that this is all supposed to be cute and clever, but it honestly sounds like lyrics I would’ve read from a 1920’s real go-getter. A little zip zip zoorreee! Ain’t nothing but a little doozy, zoo zoo zoo-wee!

It’s just a bunch of dance floor PDA that I don’t really want to look at. I mean it makes you question how much the person is into that other person or is into the attention they receive from doing the PDA and the other person is kind of inconsequential. You know?

[Hook]
And as long as I’ve got my suit and tie
I’mma leave it all on the floor tonight
And you got fixed up to the nines
Let me show you a few things
All pressed up in black and white
And you’re dressed in that dress I like
Love is swinging in the air tonight
Let me show you a few things
Let me show you a few things
Show you a few things about love
While we’re in the swing of love
Let me show you a few things
Show you a few things about love
Hey

He’s talking about sticking it into her butt, right?

This is all under the guise that he’s so in love with her that he’s going to do something that normally is categorized in the “weird” section of their previous bed sessions. Oh, you’re in that dress! Oh, you look so good! Oh, we’re dancing! Oh, it’s so magical! Oh, it’s not as painful if we use lube! Oh, what? I just said, ‘I love you!’ And, possibly that I’m going to sodomize a hole you won’t normally let me into. Oh, what? Nothing! Nothing, that won’t be forgotten after a few more drinks.

[Verse 2]
Stop, let me get a good look at it
So thick, now I know why they call it a fatty
Sh*t so sick got a hit and picked up a habit
That’s alright, cause you’re all mine
Go on and show ’em who you call daddy
I guess they’re just mad cause girl, they wish they had it
My killer, my filler, yeah you’re a classic
And you’re all mine tonight

OH, WAIT A MINUTE! They’re shemales!

This makes so much more sense, now, I think.

Honestly, does he think he is talking about her butt? Because it really doesn’t sound like her butt. It sounds more like a dick. If we’re going to use visualization metaphor of a fat marijuana cigarette and getting hits off of it then it’s easier to associate that with something that looks phallic as opposed to a butt.

As for it being a butt and, seemingly, Jessica Biel’s butt – that is a fatty butt that the world was definitely addicted to for a good number of years.

After the butt stuff, the “daddy” thing is weird. I mean what is Jessica Biel doing with her butt to Justin Timberlake to show the world that she calls him “daddy”? Because everything I’m imagining is not legal in the clubs. Plus, I guarantee Jessica Biel is not calling Timberlake “Daddy”.

And I really don’t get the “killer”, “filler” thing besides it rhyming.

[Hook]
And as long as I’ve got my suit and tie
I’mma leave it all on the floor tonight

It’s the same hook as before.

And instead of going into more Tim’s, we get a wildly stupid rapping sesh from the King of that – Jay Z.

[Verse 3]
All black at the white shows
White shoes at the black shows
Green card for the Cuban links
Y’all sit back and enjoy the light show

Shows rhymes with shows rhymes with show. Jay Z is a fucking genius.

His particular genius is TRICKING US IDIOTS INTO THINKING HE’S ACTUALLY FUCKING RAPPING! When did saying the same word over and over and over again equate to rhyming? I get his “wordplay” of saying black then white then white then black … if you actually think that’s wordplay. Blue ties at the red shows, red eyes at the blue shows. I mean what the fuck. Had to make this about race, didn’t you Jay? White shows and black shows? Who is Jay Z even referencing? Himself? A Jay Z concert is way more of a white show at this point than a black show. AND it randomly so RANDOMLY jumps to the color green as in a US government’s residence Green card, which even more RANDOMLY is specifically mentioned for Cubans. WHAT? And links does not rhyme with anything in there! Shows, shows, links, show? AND HE’S LIKE A BILLIONAIRE!

Nothing exceeds like the excess
Stoute got gout from having the best of the best
Is this what it’s all about?

I’ve got no fucking clue. Who the fuck is Stoute and does he really have gout? If he does, we shouldn’t be shitting on this guy and we should get him to a doctor. Gout is treatable. And what the fuck does that have to do with this black, white, green, Cuban blah blah blah.

Is this what it’s all about? I have no idea what you’re talking about Jay Z, so I hope there is more to “it” for it to be about it.

I’m at the restaurant with my rant
Disturbing the guests
Years of distress, tears on the dress
Try to hide her face with some makeup sex

What? I’m not following.

Is Jay Z yelling about gout at a restaurant and causing such a scene it makes Beyonce publicly cry all over herself and Jay’s way of covering this up is to try and bone Beyonce – while she’s still distraught – on the table?

Nothing to see here folks. You thought that I, Jay-Z, had made Pepsi spokesmodel Beyonce cry, but in fact I’m just fucking her on this table. Nothing to see at all.

This is truffle season
Tom Ford tuxedos for no reason
All saints for my angel
Alexander Wang too
Ass-tight Denim and some Dunks
I’ll show you how to do this young!
No papers, catch vapors
Get high, out Vegas
Who says the devils ain’t looking for trouble

Season, reason… and not a single thing else rhymes. WHERE THE FUCK IS THE RHYMING, JAY! WHERE IS IT?! Season to reason based on literally saying “no reason” which neither of those lines have a reason to be with each other, so I guess that’s like a fucking meta ass lyric.

The rest is angel, too, dunks, young, vapors, vegas, trouble. What rhymes there? Do you think vapors and vegas rhyme because they both end in “s” because THEY FUCKING DO NOT RHYME! The only thing that rhymes is papers and vapors.

What does any of this mean? Who the fuck knows? All saints for my angel? I have no idea what that has to do with anything.

I eat truffles, tuxedos, possible religious reference, fashion designer, skinny jeans and hipster shoes, I’m old but I dress like I’m not, I smoke weed, I smoke weed in Las Vegas, a rhetorical question. That’s what I’ve got. You?

You just got good genes so a nigga tryna cuff you
Tell your mother that I love her cause I love you
Tell your father we go farther as a couple
They ain’t lose a daughter, got a son
I show you how to do this, hun!

Cuff? Is that lingo for marriage? This has gone real random.

Now, we’re definitely talking about Beyonce. We’re talking about I guess how Jay Z proposed to Beyonce. First thing first, Jay-Z just has to drop the n-word in to reference himself. If we hadn’t forgot he’s the black guy in all of this. Anyway, he wants to breed with Beyonce. I love your mom, your Dad should recognize this marriage as a solid business investment, I’m going to be at your house Thanksgiving, and I’m finally fucking done rapping. Wow. That was all terrible. And not romantic in the least bit.

You, you, couple, son, hun. Ugh.

[Hook]
And as long as I’ve got my suit and tie
I’mma leave it all on the floor tonight
And you got fixed up to the nines
Let me show you a few things
All pressed up in black and white
And you’re dressed in that dress I like
Love is swinging in the air tonight
Let me show you a few things
Let me show you a few things
Show you a few things about love
While we’re in the swing of love
Let me show you a few things
Show you a few things about love
Hey

Yeah, whatever.

Fuck this song. Fuck this shitty song.

 

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