I Hope ‘MAN OF STEEL’ Is A Little More WHELMING Than Its RED CARPET And Less CONFUSING

June 11, 2013

Howdy, peeps and popes!

I am currently sitting next to the new girl – not Zooey Deschanel – but COCO.

Coco update: Coco dealt with her first plumber today.

That’s big stuff. And she handled the situation with a greater aplomb than arguably myself.

I won’t lie and say that the plumber – who was here to unclog the easily cloggable pipes of the shitty clawfoot bathtub – was not slightly terrified of the pitbull mix (Coco) and the unshowered guy wearing a “Got Wang?” t-shirt (Me). I don’t know who he was more worried about. Honestly, I would say I’m definitely neck and neck in this running. Not to brag, but that “Got Wang?” t-shirt with an arrow pointing toward my wang is also crazy shadily covered in white stains, which makes it SO MUCH MORE off-putting. The stains are in fact paint stains (not a sexual innuendo) from painting I have done while in the t-shirt.

Either way, Coco wasn’t too interested in the plumber. She was more interested in simply looking outside through the storm door. She likes to do that. No barking or anything. Coco just wagged the nub of a tail she has and looked at him with slight optimistic curiosity. While the plumber unclogged the drain upstairs and making a lot of noise, I laid on the ground with Coco while giving her belly rubs.

Anyway…

And we’re happy about that.

SUPERMAN!!!!! RED CARPET!!!!!!!!!!

errr….

MAN OF STEEL!!!!! RED CARPET!!!!!

THERE HE IS! THERE’S SUPER CAVILL!

I really like that the movie is called “Man of Steel” and not “Superman”. I think Christopher Nolan learned a lot by called the Batman sequels “The Dark Knight” and “The Dark Knight Rises”. It’s too bad that the first one wasn’t “The Dark Knight Begins” or “Returns” or whatever. I don’t like the title “Batman Begins” at all. And if I was trying to restart/reboot/make better a franchise then I would want it to be a dramatic difference than the last and with that having it titled anything like the previous movies is negative.

It’s a definitive statement saying they’re “Man of Steel” and not “Superman ____”.

As for Cavill, he’s already Superman to me because he’s hooking up with Gina Carano.

Also, there’s a severe fucking lack of Gina Carano in this picture as well as the others. WHERE THE FUCKING FUCK IS GINA CARANO?

I’m excited for this movie. I’m not THAT excited that we’ll have to do the origin story of Superman all over again. Whether they’ve changed it slightly (which they have) or not, I’ve seen it and I know it and I’m kind of bored by it. But I’ll sit through it again.

I’m also not looking too forward to all the stuff they’re showing in the trailer of Superman not wanting to be Superman, which is meh. Hopefully, that won’t bee too much of the movie.

REGARDLESS…

Henry’s head looks small; especially, in comparison to his huge shoulders.

Ohhhhh, that looks nice, Amy Adams.

Can I see it from the back and with that your butt?

I can?!

Very nice.

I am a big fan of Amy Adams. I think even if I married Amy Adams, I would still call her Amy Adams. Always. Always Amy Adams. Is there any other way to say her name besides all of it? In some ways, it sounds like a comicbook character. In other ways, it sounds like a pornstar. And honestly, I’m cool with both of those things featuring Amy Adams or really anything.

For eff’s sake, I watched “Trouble with the Curve” the other night. It was whatever. It wasn’t terrible, it wasn’t particularly good, but it was watchable and easy to make fun of. Also, the “twist” ending was OBVIOUS and HILARIOUS that it was the ending.

A ring-a-ding-ding, a ring-a-ding-doo, ha-chee, cha-chee, poo-poo!

That’s what Russell Crowe is doing in this picture. That is exactly what he’s doing.

Good Lord.

Is that Kevin Costner’s hot daughter? That he fucks?

I feel like Kevin is saying something to this lady like, “Tell them, how I see you naked and you see me naked and how you don’t scream for the police and instead have sex with me. Tell them that and tell everyone.”

And she’s like, “I will, but I will be also going to St. Barts … by myself.”

Villain of this movie and the villain of this red carpet.

I bet Michael Shannon is a really nice guy and a real sweetheart… because HE HAD TO BE.

Honestly, there’s no way anyone would trust Michael Shannon in any situation with anything other than doing something evil. He must have had to counteract everyone’s natural suspicion of him by baking the fucking best cupcakes.

There he is. Zack! I love you, Zack. Don’t fuck this up, Zack.

If we’re supposed to read into the tea leaves or his wife’s boobs, Zack could be directing an X-Men movie in the future or a biopic about boxing great Bernard “The Executioner” Hopkins.

And those boobs by the way belong to film producing mogul Deborah Snyder. I really like Zack and Deborah together. They looks like a “power couple”. Honestly, it looks like Deborah can handle her shit and Zack’s. I like the two of them together – I hope they don’t get divorced. I don’t know any inside scoop or anything – celebs seem to get divorced a lot.

And … it’s time to move onto the “confusing” segment of this red carpet…

Uhhhh… is he in this movie?

Chicks love showing off that they have pockets nowadays.

we get it. You don’t need us for our pockets anymore.

Is that a wax model of this kid I do not know?

Confusing break…

BOOBS!!!!

Back to confusing…

Marcia Gay Harden?

That’s a question.

Marcia Gay Harden?

That’s the only question.

Yeah?

followed by…

YEAH?!

followed by…

YEAH?!

and finally…

YEAH?!

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4 Responses to “I Hope ‘MAN OF STEEL’ Is A Little More WHELMING Than Its RED CARPET And Less CONFUSING”

  1. I think Henry Cavill’s head looks tiny because Henry Cavill’s tie is 6 inches wide.

  2. PWG said

    Henry Cavill looks like an action figure of Henry Cavill. Also, is that Bill Nye pretending to be a . . . falcon? Drunk Superman?

    I cannot look away from Laurence Fishburne.

    • I had the same issue. Is he wearing a purple suit there? With some sort of Asian Ed Hardy t-shirt? Why is he so awkward? There’s something sort of Rosie O’Donnell-like about him…?

      He’s really not aging gracefully at all. I hereby forbid him from ever being put on the “List of Men Over 60 That Women Would F@#K” once 2021 rolls around.

  3. tiffanized said

    Laurence Fishburne–who is apparently in his “Iyanla Vanzant / sassy older black woman” phase–plays Perry White–not to be confused with Barry White–in the movie.

    I tried to find out why Kris Humphries was at the premiere but only found this article stating that no one knows why he was there.

    I think Bill Nye shows up at movie premieres to prove he’s not dead. Apparently a lot of people think he’s dead. So he goes to premieres to prove he is still alive at a certain date and time as evidenced by the movies coming out. It’s the celebrity version of taking pictures of yourself with a newspaper.

    I will not see this movie. Ever probably. I have a finite amount of earth time left and I won’t need to watch this movie that seems to exist to combine plasticky looking actors with rubbery looking actors.

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