10 Guesses For What HeyyyBrother Got Me For My Birthday

June 13, 2013

What it is.

It is Thursday and my 30th birthday is this Saturday.

HeyyyBrother aka _dharv aka Danielle’s birthday is on May 12th and about a month before her birthday, I intentionally let it slip that I had bought her her birthday present already. I was so proud of myself that I had bought her her birthday present so far in advance and everything, but then Danielle laid some information back on me… she had already gotten me my birthday present.


Is it even legal to buy someone their birthday present two months in advance and tell them that you did this?

Either way, I’ve only got a couple days left until my birthday and I can find out what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks this present is.

To clarify, for my last birthday, Danielle got me Aziz Ansari tickets and a bayonet knife. A very sharp bayonet knife. That following Christmas, last Christmas whatever, Danielle bought me a polo shirt and a katana. A very sharp katana.

So… what did she get me this year? Here are my guesses!

1. A gun

Now, Danielle keeps saying it isn’t a gun. But who says she isn’t saying that as a red herring to throw me off the black powder trail of a fully-loaded gun. A bayonet knife, a katana? Gun is pretty much next. Maybe a gun that fires bladed projectiles instead of regular old bullets. Who knows what you can buy on the internet.

2. Bling

I’ve bought Danielle two necklaces thus far in this relationship, so maybe she’s thinking what’s good for the goose is good for the gander and she wants her mans to be covered in glittery gold and shiny stones.

3. Another dog

Our current dog of less than a week, Coco, kind of fell into our laps. Maybe two months ago Danielle didn’t have the gift of foresight to see us getting Coco and has been hiding a dog in this house for the past couple months. You’d think that would be difficult, but I’m betting it is possible. I have never gone into Danielle’s closet, I rarely go into the basement, the attic is a no man’s land to me, or she could have the dog living under her desk at work. I don’t know what’s going on over there.

4. Winter coat

IT WAS TWO MONTHS AGO WHEN SHE BOUGHT IT! About two months ago, no one thought it would ever get hot again and we were all preparing for a second ice age. Or third. How many of these ice ages have we had?

5. Computer charger

Because she’s fucking sick and tired of me using her charger. I came into this house with a computer charger and it died and I’ve been using her’s ever since and enough is enough.

6. Onesie

Danielle would laugh until she hyperventilated and would instagram until her thumbs bled, if she saw me in a onesie. And, I do know they make adult onesies, but I’m not the size of an adult. I’m the size of an adult who absorbed another adult and retained all the other adults mass. So, finding a onesie for me wouldn’t be the easiest. Maybe she had to have it custom made.

7. Secret formula to get me to stop biting my fingers

It would require a super serum at this point to get me to stop my bad habit of biting my fingers, so maybe she flew to Germany and spoke German to a German and got that antidote.

8. _____ covered in peanut butter

I’d eat just about anything covered in peanut butter, so there’s always that.

9. Power Wheels car

Similar to the onesie idea. I’m sure Shaq has tweeted something like that – him in a Power Wheels – and someone is selling that model of custom Power Wheels on Etsy or something.

10a. Something that makes me feel like a huge nerd

THAT’S A HUGE POSSIBILITY. I do love nerdy things because I’m a nerd and with that she could have bought me something that easily feeds into that.

10b. Something sports related that makes me feel like a homosexual

Like a big picture of former NBA star Charles Oakley and while I would love that, I would also feel like my girlfriend thinks I have an inordinate amount of affection for big black men who handle balls well. And, I’m cool with that, I’m just saying it’s a real possibility.

I really don’t know what she’s gotten me.

Care to take a guess?


2 Responses to “10 Guesses For What HeyyyBrother Got Me For My Birthday”


  2. PWG said

    From reading these posts and comments lo these many months, I have learned that your favorite thing in pretty much the whole world is boobs. Boobs and Microsoft Paint. I’m guessing it’s an MS Paint picture of a stupendous rack.

    Or her stupendous rack, covered in paint.

    Or a painting she made of Salma Hayek’s rack, using only her rack and paint to make it.

    You see where I’m going with this.

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