PACIFIC RIM Looks So Stupid, And I’m Still Going To See It

June 19, 2013

Howdy y’all,

Let’s talk a little about how motherfucking stupid PACIFIC RIM looks and sounds.

It’s not even just about the looks. It looks pretty stupid, but it SOUNDS even stupider or more stupid or just fucking stupid.

Wasn’t that stupid?

Pacific Rim > Transformers?

That’s about the most positive thing I can possible say about this movie. As far as the visuals of the movie, the fight scenes between these giant alien monsters versus these giant robot monsters look just as good if not better than anything shown in the three Transformers movies. I think it looks better than the Transformers movies in that there’s no whining Shia LAH-BOOF running around screaming OPTIMUS!!!! or BUMBLEBEE!!!! which is almost half of that trilogy.

But the action looks pretty similar. A bunch of fairly indestructible adversaries just teeing off on each other and buildings are blown to smithereens beside them. I mean it’s not original and it’s almost getting done to death, but it’s still entertaining to this point. And, that’s coming from a guy – me – who really does like monster movies. I love Godzilla and King Kong and their subsequent pro-wrestling style movies where they battle Mothra and other ginormous characters that are like themselves. I do enjoy those type of movies, which is 90% of the reason I’m going to see Pacific Rim.

Everything else looks fucking stupid

Well, it does.

The other 10% of the reason why I’m seeing this movie is to see HOW STUPID it all gets.

In the trailer above, there’s a moment where the good robot grabs what appears to be either a shipping tanker or an oil tanker, but some type of tanker and drag it through the city streets of some city and then whip it around over their head and come crashing down it over the alien’s head like it was a baseball bat. While some may think that is “cool”, it is fucking so fucking stupid.

It’s tough to throw any logic into a movie that is obviously fantastical, but is part of the fantasticalness that there is a densely urban city out there with streets wide enough for a fucking tanker to be swung around? Because there isn’t a city like that. Do you know how fucking wide a ship like that is or how heavy it is or how tall it is or how completely non-elastic it is that even some robot couldn’t pick it up and whip it around like it was twirling around a fucking samurai sword or something?

As people are for whatever reason criticizing “Man of Steel” about it’s death and destruction toll, they should have a fucking field day with just about every visual moment in this trailer.

– The “science” is going to be RIVETING

By a show of hands, who here is fucking so fucking ready to hear about the “science” behind these robots? BECAUSE I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT!

I’m so psyched to hear about why they need two pilots, why their memories and brains need to be linked, how that is even possible, and so on and so on. That is going to be fucking BRILLIANT.

I’m really hoping there needs to be two pilots because it’s a size issue. Like the human brain can only power a robot of 40 feet in size by itself. So, this is an 80 foot robot, so we need two pilots. That’s what I’m specifically rooting for. We simply have a size restraint to how far our brain can power something, which is also completely needlessly stupid. Why does your brain have to be connected to this machine AT ALL? We don’t connect the brains of actual pilots into that of a fighter jet or really absolutely anything that we use. Why would you need this to be jacked into your head… ESPECIALLY if you’re still moving your arms and legs around in the head of the robot. I could almost see why if you were miles away in a pod somewhere and you’re controlling the robot with your mind through a really great wifi connection or something.

Anyway, there’s going to be a lot and I do mean A LOT of hilarious stupid science in this movie and I cannot wait. I’ll never understand why a director who just wants to make a popcorn munching blow ’em up movie needs to also make a movie with the most complicated amount of plot and pseudo-science, but it’s always been that way and continues to be that way.

Our minds, our memories become connected. Why? Man and machine become one. Also, why? Even better, why does your machine need to know your memories and why does your co-pilot need to know them as well. There are way too many storylines that could splinter from that idea that it is so completely needless. I mean are they going to really explore how a person is going to know even the weirdest most secretly embarrassing moments of this character’s life? If not, then why do they need this plot point in it?

The VO is PRICELESS in its IDIOCY

We’re taking Charlie Hunnam’s completely one note American accent from the small screen to the silver screen in this movie. Using the EXACT same monotone gruff voice as he uses for Jax on “Sons of Anarchy”, Charlie Hunnam is playing a mech pilot in the same unanswerable light as Sam Worthington did in “Avatar”. Either way, what that boring sounding VO is saying is exquisite… ly stupid.

These aliens first attacked San Francisco. Then Manila. Then Cabo.

CABO?!

As in Sammy Hagar?! They attacked Cabo. I am literally doing Charlie’s throaty breathy “Cah-bo” as if that fucking mattered at all. Terrorists could attack Cabo in real life and I doubt anyone would give a flying fuck. Cabo?! This has got to be the first and only time when someone has ever said anything about Cabo in a serious tone.

CABO?! OH GOD NOT CABO! ANYWHERE BUT CABO! FUCK THOSE PEOPLE IN SAN FRANCISCO! THEY WERE ASKING FOR IT BEING DEMOCRATS AND GAY AND ROOTING FOR A QUARTERBACK WITH TATTOOS! BUT NOT CABO!!!!! HOW WILL WE CONTINUE WITHOUT CABO?!! WE NEED TO GET THE MILITARY INVOLVED! WE NEED TO GET EVERY COUNTRY’S MILITARY INVOLVED!!!! GET ME A MAN WITH A GRUFF VOICE AND NO INFLECTION IN HIS VOICE TO PILOT AN ENORMOUS ROBOT WITH A YOUNG SPRITELY GIRL TO FIGHT THESE MONSTERS THAT ATTACKED CABO!!!! GET ME A BLACK MAN WITH A BRITISH ACCENT!!! PEOPLE THIS IS SERIOUS!!! THIS IS CABO WE’RE TALKING ABOUT!!! CABO!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously?! He says that they learned this was not going to stop once the aliens hit Cabo. CABO?! It’s fucking ridiculous. RIDICULOUSLY STUPID.

Why is this movie called “Pacific Rim” and not “ROBOTS VERSUS ALIENS” or something

How many people are going to think about giant robots fighting giant aliens when they hear the completely ambiguous geographic statement of “Pacific Rim”? 10 people, maybe 12. A dozen people at best.

So, stupid. Why call this “Pacific Rim”? Because the “kaiju” aka alien monsters came from a crack in the “Pacific Rim”? That’s a fucking terrible fucking reason. Why are you seeing this movie? To see robots fighting alien monsters. What does that have to do with the Pacific Rim? The posters of this stupid movie are all of these big ass robots and nothing about the robots have anything to do with the Pacific Rim. It’s about robots. Shouldn’t the title mention robots? The robots are not from the Pacific Rim. The robots are not called Pacific Rim Robots. They’re actually called Jaegers or something like that which has nothing to do with the Pacific Rim as far as I know.

Robots vs. Aliens … makes a million times more sense. Some people might say that Pacific Rim sounds more serious and not as B-movie as Robots vs. Aliens sounds, but you’ve got to be fucking kidding me if you don’t think this is a $200 million B-movie.

Anyway…

I’ll see it. It’s got robots vs. aliens in it.

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3 Responses to “PACIFIC RIM Looks So Stupid, And I’m Still Going To See It”

  1. PWG said

    I turned on my iPad today, the one that my youngest son finally located under my older son’s pillow. It opened up to a lesbian fingerbanging porn web page, so that’s a good way to find out that your kid is ready for a more in-depth discussion about . . . let’s see, . . . porn, safe internet surfing, lesbians and the importance of keeping your fingernails clipped, at a minimum.

    He ran outside when he saw that I had it. Sucks to be a 10-year old boy whose mom finds his stash. I felt kind of bad taking away the limitless possibilities of pornography on the internet and leaving him with only the stack of objectifying, airbrushed, hetero-normative Playboys in the basement. But really, I clean porn-related malware and viruses off more than enough computers at work to feel like doing it at home, too.

    This has no relation to Pacific Rim, but I’m not going to see that.

  2. this movie owns your face said

    “it is fucking so fucking stupid” ok, because your opinion totally matters xD

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