STAR WARS: EPISODE VII is going to be FIT
June 20, 2013
I’m sure everyone has read or heard or seen about actor and New Jersey hero James Gandolfini dying yesterday of seemingly a heart attack. Pretty sad. He was an actor that appeared to be loved by all and was obviously most famous for being one of the most famous TV characters in TV history.
Mr. Gandolfini was making a solid move to film acting. He did do plenty of film acting before The Sopranos, but was not really famous for anything except maybe being the guy who beat up Patricia Arquette in “True Romance”. Then of course The Sopranos happened and while some may think it would be easier to then transition to movies because at that point he was so well regarded, but it’s really the opposite. It’s tough to shake off an iconic role and move on, but I think Gandolfini was doing a pretty good job with it.
The last thing I saw Gandolfini in was “Killing Them Softly” where he has two scenes, but they’re a memorable fucking two scenes. Great scenes.
Also, I saw “Welcome to the Rileys” around that time and thought he gave a much better performance than I was expecting. I wasn’t expecting the movie to have as much humor as it did and with that I liked the movie a lot more than I was anticipating.
Sad to see him go with all the possible work he could have still done, but there’s one movie he definitely wouldn’t have been in …
STAR WARS VII REVENGE OF THE FIT
So, today, there were some character details leaked and this is what they are. Let’s see if you can spot the theme through these characters…
Late-teen female, independent, good sense of humour, fit.
Young twenty-something male, witty and smart, fit but not traditionally good looking.
A late twentysomething male, fit, handsome and confident.
Seventy-something male, with strong opinions and tough demeanour. Also doesn’t need to be particularly fit.
A second young female, also late teens, tough, smart and fit.
Forty something male, fit, military type.
THERE ARE NO FAT PEOPLE IN SPACE?! IN THE FUTURE?! OR I MEAN IN THE VERY VERY FAR AWAY PAST?!
Or is every non-fit person or creature just going to be CGI-ed?
Anyway, I like that no matter what attributes you have like having a “good sense of humour” or being “smart” or being “confident” then you’ve got to be – say it with me! – FIT.
So, we’ve got a hot 19 year old chick who can chuckle, a dashing younger Nathan Fillion, a crotchety old man who is thankfully living it up a little in his older years allowing himself to snack every once in a while, another hot 19 year old chick who probably does crossfit and ain’t no dummy, and a stereotypical leaderly type army guy.
Sounds super original, right?
There is actually one more character detail that was leaked and, honestly, I have someone in mind that I think would be PERFECT for the role…
Thirtysomething male, intellectual. Apparently doesn’t need to be fit.
I can work a fucking grill too. I’m also into wearing corporate logos, which will be perfect because we know this fucking Star Wars is somehow going to be plastered with Coca-Cola advertisements everywhere.
If someone who knows J.J. Abrams could tell J.J. Abrams that I’m available – and I played multiple years of Lacrosse plus I own a katana, so I could easily master a light saber in days – and I’ll work for half the salary of the previous top candidate. I can work weekends!
And… now, I’ll be disappointed if I’m not in Star Wars VII.
Also, I saw a few articles saying that George Lucas and J.J. Abrams haven’t talked yet about Star Wars.
GOOD! Why the fuck would we want to hear what George Lucas has to say about Star Wars? He proved in grand sweeping fashion that he should be kept 100 miles away from the next Star Wars movie. He fucked up Star Wars so badly that now Disney owns it. That’s crazy! Why would anyone want to hear his thoughts about anything – ever?
The only thing Abrams could gleam from that conversation with Lucas is whatever that monster headed man said then to do the complete fucking opposite of it.
Oh yeah, the guy who thought Jar Jar Binks should rule over a trilogy? Yeah, thanks, but no fucking thanks.