JULY MOVIES ARE A PERFECT TIME TO CATCH UP ON OTHER MOVIES!

June 25, 2013

How-dee?

I enjoyed your comments on yesterday’s post.

And, today, I will reward those comments by saving you money – money that you probably were not going to spend on these July movies anyway.

So, we’re knee deep into Summer and Summer is supposed to mean BLOCKBUSTER movies and sadly nowhere in the description of a BLOCKBUSTER movie does the word “good” appear. For a BLOCKBUSTER can just be big and expensive, while good can be absent.

That’s not to say July is full of only BLOCKBUSTER movies. No, it is also full of smaller films that look just as unworthy of your time and/or money.

I’ve only given this list a once over and I was thoroughly unimpressed, but maybe there will be a few gems that I missed. Either way, you may want to put some gasoline in the ole’ Netflix machine because I’m not sure how much time you’re going to be spending at the movies.

Before I get to that, the funny thing about the movies is that they’re only getting more and more and MORE expensive. And, people are still going to see movies in droves. And the movie businesses out there are thinking of ways to maximize profits at movie theaters and all of their ideas involve making the unfortunate souls who go to movie theaters spend more money on those precious tickets that they purchased. I would think that a movie theater at some point would use the tactic that most other businesses use when trying to gain revenue and that is to actually LOWER the price of something and/or offer a MOTHERFUCKING deal instead of knocking us over the head with a metaphorical nightstick and stealing the change from our pockets.

For “World War Z”, the brilliant fuckwads at where ever thought that they should charge people $50 for a ticket, which enabled them to see a movie that has gotten thoroughly average ratings a week earlier and a copy on iTunes or something. The copy on iTunes is certainly a good idea, but not $50 worth. I’m surprised theaters don’t work like see 5 movies and get the 6th for free kind of deal or one day a week you get a free popcorn with two tickets or whatever. But what do I know.

Anyway… let’s get to some of these movies.

JULY MOVIES!! THEY PROBABLY STINK!!

DESPICABLE ME 2

I never saw the first one and I doubt I’ll see this second one. Are these movies supposed to be good? I have seen mixed reviews on them, but I thought that these weren’t well liked. I have only seen the commercials and they look pretty decent for a kids movie. I imagine those yellow tic-tac looking guys are hilarious to kids. I have seen grown ass adults laughing at those commercials with those tic-tac guys beating each other up like the Three Stooges.

I’ll never see it, but if you have kids or a penchant for going to see kids movies high then I’m guessing this will be in your future.

THE LONE RANGER

Ugh.

I thought for sure that “World War Z” wouldn’t do well. I think the advertising for that movie fucking horrible, but it did quite well in the theaters this weekend. Way better than I was anticipating. I definitely thought it would be under $50 million. I thought around $40 million or so. But it did well. So, I don’t know what to think about “The Lone Ranger”. I would think that it shouldn’t do well based on Disney flopping a lot recently and the fact that this movie looks fucking TERRIBLE, but people went to see those Pirates movies that Depp did and this has Depp again, Gore Verbinski again directing, and it looks identical tone wise.

I hope this flops, but it will probably do well. Maybe not Despicable Me 2 well, but it will do well. But it looks fucking TERRIBLE. It looks like the same shit Pirates was with Depp playing an eccentric character who just walks through cataclysmic action scenes and comes out on the other side unscathed. This movie looks specifically like the first Pirates movie with Armie Hammer playing the lead like Orlando Bloom was playing, but really everyone is there for Depp.

I’m not seeing it.

Does anyone remember when this movie was supposed to be really supernatural and that the Native Americans were supposed to be werewolves – sound familiar? – and the Lone Ranger and Johnny Depp were going to be hunting them to stop them from I guess taking over the Western half of the United States?

Yeah, me neither.

STUCK IN LOVE

Here’s one of those smaller movies I was thinking about that also sound terrible.

The plot is convoluted and really is about a family that is all screwed up about relationships, so that’s original.

The reason I even mention this is the utter ridiculousness of the main character and his two love interests and how one of those love interests is yet again playing a role I do not understand…

Greg Kinnear is the lead. Greg Kinnear’s ex-wife in the movie is Jennifer Connelly. Seriously? Greg Kinnear is pining over Jennifer Connelly and, at the same time, having sex with Kristen Bell. KRISTEN BELL! So, the makers of this movie chose Jennifer Connelly to play the way too hot wife who is a bad wife choice YET AGAIN and thought that Kristen Bell who is 17 years younger than him would be a perfect choice for his sex interest? I don’t get it. Although, I don’t get Kristen with Dax, so whatever I guess.

As for Connelly, she is routinely cast as a wife who is either a bad wife or the ex-wife or the soon to be ex-wife. Jennifer Connelly has been pigeon holed as a woman you will not have a happy marriage with. Why? She is divorced in real life, but that seems a little harsh considering a lot of these people are. Either way, I don’t get why she’s always in that role and at the same time not in many roles in general.

THE WAY, WAY BACK

The guys who wrote “The Descendants” are writing a coming of age story about a 14 year old boy (ugh) and have cast a lot of funny people around this kid like Steve Carell, Toni Collette, Sam Rockwell and so on. The movie also takes place at a water park mostly I believe. I don’t know what to make of this movie. I’m really not interested in that story at all. I do like some of the people in it. I didn’t like “The Descendants”, but I’m willing to see other movies written by Jim Rash and Nat Faxon because I do like those guys as actors.

So… I probably won’t see this unless it gets crazy good reviews.

Listen, I’m 30 years old and I don’t have kids, so at the present time – I couldn’t give a bigger flying fuck about what a 14 year old boy is going through in life. Ya dig?!

COFFEE TOWN

First movie by whoever is in charge over at CollegeHumor. I really know nothing about this minus there are some good people like Glenn Howerton in it (Dennis from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia). I’ll probably forget this movie exists and possibly see it one day on Netflix when I’m hungover. I don’t know.

CRYSTAL FAIRY

Michael Cera folks. I actually really like Michael Cera and think he is a talented dude. This movie could be quite funny and interesting, I’m not sure if it is going to be like a stereotypical indie movie where it takes you on a nice journey and you seem to enjoy it, but when it is over you feel unfulfilled. Some may say indie movies are adhering to that philosophy of the journey means more than the end, but I think most indie movies really only think as far as their second act and the third act is just when the second act ends. There’s no conclusion in most indie films outside of whatever the big climax is being over.

Anyway, this movie is a roadtripping drug movie in Chile with Michael Cera, seemingly two Chileans, and a hippie chick named Crystal Fairy. They get high on a bunch of stuff and play around in Chile. Could be fun. Could be underdeveloped as well.

Either way, Michael Cera is working a lot nowadays and is making strides to play darker and more out there characters and I’m looking forward to it.

GROWN UPS 2

NEXT!!!!! SKIIIIPPPP!!!!

At one time, I was a huge fan of all of these guys like I think most people were at one time or another and now I can’t stand the sight of them. Sounds like I won’t be seeing this movie.

PACIFIC RIM

I’ll see it. And it does look fucking stupid.

I think I wrote about that last week. Check that out.

TURBO

Nah.

Another one of those things where I haven’t spawned a smaller version of myself out of my lady’s vagina, so I’m not going to see this movie.

THE CONJURING

Not seeing this random horror movie. Remember when horror movies were only out around October? Yeah, me neither.

GIRL MOST LIKELY

Terrible movie title. Either way, it is Kristen Wiig playing a whacky lady who is aimless in life and who tries to fake her on suicide only to end up on the Jersey shore with her crazier mother. So, this could be funny.

I’ll probably forget this movie exists because what the fuck am I supposed to do with that title?

ONLY GOD FORGIVES

I WILL SEE THIS!

I’m disappointed to here and read that this Nicolas Refn movie starring the one and only Ryan Gosling has gotten less than good reviews. I’m curious about this movie for sure. I loved “Drive” and I have seen Refn’s other movies. I’m not sure what to make of people walking out of the movie at Cannes considering I have liked movies that people have walked out of at Cannes before – The Fountain. At the same time, I can easily imagine Refn making a less than watchable movie because I thought his movie “Valhalla Rising” was completely unwatchable. So, was “Drive” an outlier? It easily could have been. I thought “Bronson” was an interesting movie and yet I thought it was easily dismissible as too absurd to enjoy. And I liked the “Pusher” series, but they were far from brilliant.

I really love all the ideas surrounding “Only God Forgives”. A western tale of revenge told in Thailand and involves Muay Thai kickboxing. So… I’ll definitely see this and I’m definitely worried it could suck just like “Valhalla Rising” did.

R.I.P.D.

No.

I do not want to watch a ripoff of “Men in Black” starring the completely untrustworthy Jeff Bridges and the falling fast Ryan Reynolds. At one time, I thought Ryan Reynolds would be the biggest fucking star and he would be great at it too. And then reality. Reality has been a cruel mistress in terms of what I expected from Ryan Reynolds. It really hasn’t been that cruel to him. I mean he’s probably maintaining his 6 pack sexing Blake Lively 18 hours a day.

Either way, I will never see this.

RED 2

Nope.

Didn’t see the first. That looked bad. Actually, I did almost take Danielle to see the first movie on one of our first dates. I believe that was providence that we didn’t see it and we’re still together because of that. Sure, I have taken her to see MANY bad movies since then – Skyline, Oblivion – but I had already gotten my hooks in pretty deep by that point.

BLUE JASMINE

Woody Allen has a new movie? It’s like he’s making these movies in his basement or something. Remember when Woody Allen movies were a big deal? Well, honestly, I don’t really remember that because I wasn’t alive yet, but that was a thing. That did happen.

Anyway, Woody Allen isn’t to be trusted. Not with you know from way back then, but more so that he has made WAY MORE bad movies than good movies since I’ve been walking this Earth. So, it has a great cast, but all of his movies have great casts, so that doesn’t help.

Plus the movie’s main character is Cate Blanchett and she’s a woman and Woody’s best work is not with women as his main character. His best movies are when he’s the main character or he has someone pretty much playing him and then that person has to deal with a lot of eccentric woman side characters. That’s usually when he’s at his best. But whatever. See it, don’t see it.

THE TO DO LIST

A bunch of funny comedic actors with Aubrey Plaza at the lead trying to have all sorts of sex over the Summer of 1993 before she heads to college. So, American Pie with cassette tapes and neon and female characters who do more than simply get topless. Sounds pretty good, right?

THE WOLVERINE

This looks bad.

It’s amazing how this looks similarly bad in all the ways Wolverine Origins looked bad and that the studio specifically went out of their way to try and instill that this movie would be different. It looks fucking identical to Wolverine Origins. The idea that we are doomed to repeat history is perfectly on display in movies and their supposed reboots. They almost always do the same shit as the predecessor. Why? I have no idea, but they’re always the same.

Will I see this? Probably not in the theater. I may wait for it to be on TV or some streaming thing and then watch it on fast forward. It looks fucking bad. Maybe I’ll write later how this movie looks incredibly similar to Origins and how that makes no sense.

SMURFS 2

Nope.

That’s July.

What do you think?

A comedy from Aubrey Plaza, a druggie movie from Michael Cera, a bunch of CGI movies that look fucking unfortunate, and a bunch of kiddie movies with some horror mixed in. Sounds like every other month I guess.

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