Tight End to Wide Receiver?! Internet You Are Priceless.

June 27, 2013


Does everyone remember how “first” was the most popular meme on the internet for like two years? Where every time someone would post an article or post a thread on a message board or really anything that allowed comments – someone would race to be the first person to reply ‘first’ to said thing for the sole purpose of being the first asshole to write an asshole remark?

Well, that’s been replaced by the “tight end to wide receiver” joke regarding any and all Aaron Hernandez stories on the ENTIRETY of the internet.

Yeah, we get it. You didn’t think of that joke first anymore than the person who first made that joke maybe a billion years ago.


If you hadn’t heard about this then you probably live in another country not named the United States of America, so I’ll do a quick recap…

There’s this guy named Aaron Hernandez.

Aaron plays professional tackle football in the NFL for the New England Patriots.

Actually, that’s in the past because Aaron just got cut from the Pats and is currently sitting in a jail cell awaiting his murder trial for the murder of Odin Lloyd.

Apparently, the 24 year old with a bright future in the NFL following back-to-back great seasons as a Tight End, he decided to do something that was the silliest and COMMIT FIRST DEGREE MURDER. Isn’t that silly?

I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but AARON HERNANDEZ TOTES KILLED THAT GUY.

Ok… well… at least it COMPLETELY SEEMS THAT WAY.

Let’s get a look at the order of events that the Bristol County, Massachusetts prosecution has arranged on that fateful night of Aaron Hernandez throwing away his life as a highly paid professional athlete with what looked like a great career ahead of him playing for a team that is a perennial top contender for the confines of a death row prison cell.

I nabbed this timeline from … http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nfl-shutdown-corner/prosecution-details-events-says-led-odin-lloyd-murder-204349177.html

June 16

Day after my BERFDAY!

9:02 p.m.: Hernandez texts a friend out of state, saying “please make it back.”

Clingy much?

9:05: Hernandez texts Lloyd that he wants to get together.

Is this going to be about what I think this is going to be about?

9:35: Hernandez texts a friend in Connecticut that says “get your ass up here.”

Worst friend ever.

10:23: Hernandez texts the same friend, “Hurry your ass up.”

If my “friend” was constantly telling me where and when my “ass” needed to be places then the next person I murdered with them would be them.

McCauley indicated that Hernandez recently had 14 surveillance cameras installed in his home. Video from the cameras show two men arriving at Hernandez’s home in North Attleboro. Later footage shows Hernandez with a firearm. At one point, Hernandez says to one of the men that he “can’t trust anyone anymore,” according to McCauley.

McCauley is the prosecutor, by the by.

Aaron Hernandez may have never watched a single episode of police drama of any kind whatsoever. He’s video taping himself with the murder weapon? The person you can’t trust Aaron is yourself. BOOM!

June 17

1:12 a.m.: The three men depart Hernandez’s home in a silver Nissan Altima, according to surveillance video, cell phone towers and cell phone records.

All publicity is good publicity? When you plan your next convoluted murdering – rent a Nissan Altima for its solid MPG rating, affordability, ability to sit 4 comfortably, and ample trunk space.

Cell towers track their movement south on Interstate 95. At some point, they turn around, then head north before stopping at a gas station on Route 128.

It’s the future!

2:10: Hernandez buys gas, a pack of Bubblicious gum and rolling papers.

All of these things easily could have been purchased much much much earlier.

2:32: The silver Altima arrives at Lloyd’s house. Hernandez sends a text message: “We’re here.”

No knock?

Lloyd’s sister watches Odin Lloyd leave the house and get into the silver Altima. Neighborhood surveillance video shows Hernandez arriving in the neighborhood as well.

Surveillance video tracks the car around Boston.

It’s the future!

McCauley explains that during ride back toward North Attleboro, Hernandez tells Lloyd that when they were at a club, Rumor, the previous Friday night, “certain things upset him,” including Lloyd talking to some people Hernandez had “troubles” with. McCauley did not indicate how he obtained this information.

This is interesting because this can only mean that one of the other two guys must’ve talked. If Hernandez said it himself then that would be absurd and they would’ve mentioned it I think. So, Hernandez’s buddies who he keeps yelling at them about their ass’ tardiness are selling him out.

Prosecution says the text indicates the “temperature” in the car.

Not sure what that means, but I like it.

3:07: Lloyd texts his sister, “Did you see who I was with?”

McCauley suggests that this indicates the “temperature” in the car.

Lloyd does not receive a response.

3:11: Lloyd texts his sister again, “Hello.”

3:19: Lloyd’s sister responds, “My phone was dead. Who?”

SMH. Bitches always be letting their phone battery drain. All that instagramming of their food and shit.

3:22: Lloyd responds, “NFL.”

Love that they call him ‘NFL’.

3:23: Lloyd: “Just so you know.”

By this point, the four men inside the silver Altima have gotten off I-95 on Route 152, near Hernandez’s home, McCauley says records show.

3:23 a.m.: McCauley says surveillance video shows the Altima at a fork in the road. McCauley indicates that one way leads to Hernandez’s home, the other down a gravel road where Lloyd’s body would later be found. Video shows Hernandez’s car going down the gravel road behind a group of industrial buildings.

Is there even going to be a trial? Seriously! This alone is jail worthy. Who the fuck else killed Odin Lloyd? They drove him to his murder spot right before he got murdered! Unless, a serial killer was standing there waiting for them at that murder spot then they fucking murdered Mr. Lloyd.

3:23-3:27: People working the overnight in the industrial park hear gunshots.


3:27: Silver Altima is viewed coming out of gravel road.

3:29: Video at Hernandez’s home shows the silver Altima pulling into his driveway.

McCauley states that the distance between where Lloyd’s body was found and Hernandez’s home is a 2-minute drive.


It can’t get any more CASE FUCKING CLOSED than this.

The crime scene:

• According to McCauley, police found five shell casings – three at Lloyd’s feet, two some distance away.

• An autopsy showed two wounds to the chest – one near the left nipple, the other near the right nipple.

That’s totally a reference from “The Wire”. Honestly, I think a lot of this is Aaron Hernandez thinking he’s fucking Marlo Stanfield and would be able to be a gangster and get away with a murder. Seriously, Aaron killed this guy because he talked to some people he didn’t like at a bar? That’s it?! Some of my best friends are friends with people I cannot fucking stand. But you don’t see me killing anyone over it. I mean I once had to listen to one of my friend’s tangential friends tell me that China was going to take over the US within the next 10 years for no other reason than he had taken a vacation to China and read Donald Trump say the same thing and believe me I wanted that kid dead RIGHT THE FUCK THEN. People! China hasn’t fucking defeated Tai-fucking-wan … they’re not taking over the fucking U.S.A. And, when did people start thinking Donald Trump knew what he was talking about? The guy is giving apprenticeships to Gary Busey.

• Lloyd did not appear to be robbed, as he still had his wallet, phone and keys.

McCauley explained that Hernandez returned the Altima to a rental car agency, with the driver’s-side mirror missing. A worker at rental agency discovered a shell casing under the driver’s seat, next to a piece of Bubblicious gum. The shell casing and the gum were tossed into a garbage bin, where police later found them.

This I’m absolutely blown away by. And, I’m curious about because I’m guessing this means they were futzing with their guns in the car earlier and dropped a bullet in the car and just forgot about it? They said Odin got shot 5 times and they found 5 shell casings at the crime scene. Did they fire a sixth shot inside the vehicle? That’s almost crazier than murdering a guy and dumping the body a minute from one’s house and pretty much videotaping yourself doing it.

There’s no more evidence?

Like Aaron and his buddies yelling “WE SUCCESSFULLY KILLED ODIN LLOYD WITH THESE GUNS!” as they popped bottles of champagne in Aaron’s kitchen holding up a newspaper and the murder weapons?

Or maybe a scene of them smashing their phones and the security system (which they did) and saying out loud “we need to smash these electronic devices because they pretty much recorded us before and after killing Odin Lloyd and we wouldn’t want them used on us during the eventual trial!”

Good riddance, Aaron. What a fucking idiot and terrible person.



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