Probably.

This will probably be the only Oscar good narrative movie coming out this year.

Or really “Oscar good” in my mind.

Right now, the best movie of the year is “This is the End”. I’ve been reading some amazing reviews for “The World’s End” and I’m really looking forward to that. I’m also really looking forward to “Elysium”, but not expecting anything more than hopefully a solid action movie. The Sandra Bullock/George Clooney space movie “Gravity” looks like that could be incredible or a really odd miss. I have faith in the director Alfonso Cuaron, but people let you down all the time – looking at you Nicolas Refn with “Only God Forgives”. There are some other possible movies like Spike Jonze’s “Her” that could/should be great… but this all brings us back to “Oscar good”.

What are the “Oscar good” movies of this year? So far, there are none. Usually, they come out in the Winter like the above remake of THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY. There is the “12 Years a Slave” from Steve McQueen (the talented black guy who is a director, and not the dead white guy who was a drunk and former action star), which looks sad and promising and Oscar-bait-y.

But I digress…

“The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” looks great.

The trailer is magnificent and engaging and breathtaking as well as pretty hilarious for something with very few words spoken. Specifically, two shots:

ADAM SCOTT’S BEARD 

SEAN PENN’S COME HITHER

Those two moments are fucking phenomenal and pleasantly have haunted my dreams since first seeing this trailer when I saw “The Way Way Back”, which was a garbage movie. If you’ve seen that movie, answer me this, riddle me this, answer me this… is there a likable character in this movie? Follow-up, who is the likable character in this movie? And, I’m 1,000,000% guessing you’re going to say Sam Rockwell’s character and EEEEEEHHHHHH!!!! incorrect. Sam Rockwell is likable; Sam Rockwell’s character is not. Sam Rockwell’s character is a loser idiot boy who has ruined Maya Rudolph’s character’s even sadder life. Anyway…

Ben Stiller directed this “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” remake and I have 1,000,000% confidence it will be great because of that. Ben Stiller has directed 4 feature films prior to this and they are…

REALITY BITES

THE CABLE GUY

ZOOLANDER

TROPIC THUNDER

The first helped define a generation’s zeitgeist, the second is motherfucking hilarious, the third is motherfucking hilarious, the fourth is motherfucking hilarious. If you disagree, then you need to get brain surgery to get your synapses working correctly until you read that last sentence and agree because that is a factual sentence.

Anyway… watch, enjoy, get your hopes up, and let Mr. Stiller wow you come Christmas.

Advertisements

Hi, you sexy motherfucker.

Today is the final installment of more or less me shitting on comic book movies. I’m not TRYING to shit on them; it’s just what I think about them. Like the title says MOST suck. So, there you go.

I will preface this by saying that I’m not really a fan of the original Superman movies. I’ve watched them several times each and they’re not good or they’re barely good at times. I’ll get to them when I get to them, but I wanted you to be prepared. The allure of those movies is all nostalgia and that we all loved Christopher Reeve for some reason or another. But those movies are iffy at best.

Back to the list… starting with S

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD – Excellent. One of the best comic book movies, one of the best super hero movies, one of the best nerdy action movies (?). Anyway, Edgar Wright is a wonderful director and he pulls out all the stops with this one. It is both quick wit and incredibly well-directed action that hits on both anime influence and big CGI superhero movie influence. It’s really one of the most visually pleasing films as far as actually well done action mixed with very clever use of camera work, text on screen, and so forth. It’s just a great movie through and through and it has a great soundtrack as well. I really really love the “Clash at the Demonhead” section of the movie and how Edgar Wright displays the superhero powers of Brandon Routh’s character. Those scant moments are better than pretty much all the Marvel movies thrown in a blender and mined for the highlights. Great movie.

Can’t wait to see what Edgar does with “Ant-Man”. He has shown a bit of a demo reel and it looks very fun.

THE SHADOW – Did you know Alec Baldwin was a superhero? Or played one? I mean he kind of is one with the whole getting his three idiot brothers famous and himself famous and hooking up with Kim Basinger and now he’s with a yoga teacher half his age and people love him even though he called his daughter a pig and well… He’s a superhero for his own benefit. ANYWAY… he was in a movie called “The Shadow”, which is BAT SHIT INSANE. And I’ve watched this movie at least 4 times. It’s Batman with guns and magic. Which I guess could be said the same for Billy Zane’s “The Phantom”, but in Shadow the magic is Asian and in Phantom the magic is African. Everybody still following along? “The Shadow” is bad, but I don’t hate it. I think it has promise and really could be a really fun movie if a quality director took hold of it. It’s got the Mad Men suits and cigarettes style, it’s got guns, it’s got odd super powers, and it’s got an odd Asian mysticism at the end where Alec Baldwin fights a flying dagger that is ALIVE. I think I “like” it because it’s so nuts and at the same time I recognize a lot of tropes in it in other movies. Whatever. I have two guilty pleasures from Alec’s catalog of movies: this and “The Getaway”. The latter makes no sense but Basinger looks fucking amazing in the movie and there is a lot of action and I don’t know why I’ve seen it 3 or 4 times.

SHEENA – Never seen it. It looks like a B movie Tarzan (which Tarzan already is, but you get my point), but with a female Tarzan. Apparently, Sheena is the Queen of Africa or something. I haven’t seen it. It’s probably terrible. Let’s assume it’s terrible.

SIN CITY – Read the comic books and wasn’t overly impressed by them. Saw the movie; felt the same. The best story in the comics is easily Marv’s and the second best’s is easily the old cop and the young stripper. Now, I’ll give Robert Rodriguez a lot of credit in bringing Marv’s story to life. I think Mickey Rourke and Elijah Wood really did capture those roles and did a great job with that section of the movie. As for the old cop, young stripper… well… it had its moments. You won’t find a bigger fan of Die Hard than me, but Bruce Willis wasn’t the best choice for the role of the old cop. He’s just not lumbering enough of a guy or ugly enough or amazingly old looking enough. As for Nancy the young stripper, Jessica Alba is an absolutely stunning woman… who does not know how to be sexy. She IS sexy, but she doesn’t know how to BE sexy. And she’s a fucking stripper who is wearing more clothes than the bartenders at that strip club? What the fuck? Hire an actress who will actually strip! SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE A STRIPPER. As for the rest of that story with Nick Stahl as the yellow guy? Yeah, it’s pretty spot on as to the comic book and I thought that was fairly stupid in the comic book as well. As for the rest of the movie… horrendous acting performances by everyone else.

Michael Madsen gives one of the worst “performances” in any movie I’ve ever seen ever. The entire storyline for Clive Owen was difficult to watch with how terrible it was. ESPECIALLY, the ONE scene that was directed by Quentin Tarantino with Clive and Benecio Del Toro in the car together. Oh man, that was rough. And I know they were trying to stay true to the book and all, but all that voice over was fucking boring. Pages and pages and pages of voice over. It’s fine line being true to something and improving something and fucking something up, but those comic books are average at best and leaving all that averageness in there… it got tedious.

I really enjoyed a third of it, hated a third of it, didn’t really like the other third. And the Josh Hartnett and Marley Shelton bit was skippable. It was also something that wasn’t from the comic books as far as I remember, so it didn’t need to be in there at all.

SPAWN – Pretty fucking terrible. The funny thing is, I really think the people who made that movie really tried and you can see that they tried and at the same time… it didn’t matter. Spawn was always style over substance. It’s pretty much a re-imagining of “Ghost Rider” with a juggalo in it. The movie tried and I think they did almost as good as they could have done for that time period and probably their budget for all the CGI. Nevertheless, not a good movie. It’s also pretty depressing as Spawn was, so it’s not fun. You feel a little uneasy about how ugly everything is in the movie. Not pleasurable to watch. Again, that’s what Spawn was though. Spawn was a horror comic in many ways and as well as it was drawn it was ugly because of the subject matter. Spawn as a visual character is very appealing, but that doesn’t mean he’s the basis of a good movie.

SPIDER-MAN – Solid movie. If they could just edit out that rooftop scene where the Green Goblin and Spider-Man talk about joining together then the movie would be infinitely better. That scene is the fucking worst. Besides that, I think it is a very well done origin story that also spends a good amount of time creating a villain. I think the Green Goblin’s head could have looked a little better, but whatever. Enjoyable movie.

More than anything, this movie really made Spider-Man a superhero in a way that I don’t think anyone could have previously anticipated. As a whole, I don’t think people could have pictured Spider-Man having the type of appeal that Superman or Batman would have. I think Sam Raimi did a truly amazing job taking a comic book character and elevating him to a status that I don’t think he could have ever achieved on its own. Spider-Man came out the 2002 Summer obviously following 9/11 and the final sequence of him choosing being Spider-Man over Mary Jane and then swinging through Manhattan’s streets and landing on the Empire State Building with an American Flag flying… it was fucking EPIC. That was a statement like fuck you terrorists, we’ve got Spider-Man. And I really think that was a powerful image for our country at that time and no one would have expected that from a Spider-Man movie. And any movie that can tap into our collective consciousness with that image and the “great power comes great responsibility”… I mean I’m not saying “Spider-Man” was “Forrest Gump”, but it kind of was.

SPIDER-MAN 2 – I think it’s better than the original, a lot better. I really liked all of Alfred Molina’s scenes and I think they made Doc Ock even more impressive of a villain than he was in the books and Green Goblin in the last movie. I thought as an action movie and as a sequel and as a Summer blockbuster it delivered on all levels. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie and have fond memories of it. People had really high hopes for Spider-Man 2 and I think it matched them if not went past them.

SPIDER-MAN 3 – Too much of a good thing. I think everyone knows that this movie is two or three movies crammed into one movie and that’s the problem. Everyone was leaving town after this movie and they tried to force it all in, so there was nothing left for anyone else. Three villains with three entirely different story arcs with a superhero with an entirely different story arc. It’s too much. It was rushed and ridiculous. They really should have cut out the alien symbiote/Venom stuff. That’s a whole movie unto itself. I am a big fan of Venom in the comic books, but the Spider-Man movies had already setup James Franco too much as the next villain that they had to do that storyline. The Sandman? Sure. But not Venom as well. That’s way too much shit. I really like all the James Franco, Tobey Maguire stuff in all these movies and it’s too bad that Raimi tried to shove Venom down our throats. On its own, the Venom stuff could have been good in another movie. Spider-Man turning bad and then having to battle Venom and whatever. That would’ve been fine. Topher is an odd choice for Eddie Brock to begin with and then his character gets marginal screen time to really develop into something that we’re supposed to care or worry about. It’s just random. It’s too random. The end action sequence comes out of fucking nowhere and unfolds in a fucking weird way. Anyway… we know it was too much.

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN – I wrote a whole post about how motherfucking awful this movie was from start to finish. It’s fucking awful. And it’s fucking REMAKE of Spider-Man and not a REBOOT. It’s absolutely the worst REMAKE of Spider-Man one could imagine. I hate this movie. I will not see its sequel.

THE SPIRIT – I didn’t see it. It’s one of the worst reviewed movies of all time. It’s funny to think that when they hired like 8 different gorgeous actresses that they must’ve thought that would be enough to make a good movie instead of going out and making a good movie. Just hire some chicks! Dudes like chicks. So dudes will like this. Right? Ugh.

STEEL – I’ve seen it. It’s bad. Not really Shaq’s fault per say. What was the budget of this movie, $12? Shaq legitimately looks like he’s wearing cardboard spray painted silver.

SUPERGIRL – I never saw this. It doesn’t look good. It’s not supposed to be good. Next!

SUPERMAN – For a movie from 1978 that is an origin story about Superman… it’s good. I guess. I don’t know. The end is pretty terrible and all the shit about him growing is like half of the movie. It’s good for what it was, but it’s not a great movie. It was a movie that really helped set up a franchise seemingly. In the end, Superman flies around the world to spin the world backwards to turn back time to save Lois from her idiocy and idiotic death because Lois Lane is fucking HELPLESS. It’s such a ridiculous act him spinning the Earth backwards that it makes you wonder why he doesn’t do it all the time or use that for his out on everything because it’s so fucking over the top absurd. I don’t know. I hate that ending and I don’t like Lois Lane and the shit with the kid is whatever. Superman’s villain is a fucking overflowing river that is clearly a cup of water being poured over miniatures.

SUPERMAN II – One of the cheesiest movies ever. It’s like it’s fucking the movie “Airplane!” but it’s Superman. I like that Superman has villains to fight in this one, but the movie is absolutely stupid and absurd and Lois Lane is the fucking worst in this movie. The movie is really quite terrible. It begins with terrorists taking over the Eiffel Tower with a neutron bomb and Lois somehow sneaks onto the elevator on the Eiffel Tower and oh my God it is stupid. Then there’s the shit with them at Niagra Falls that is fucking tough to watch. Terrence Stamp as Zod is pretty great, but they look like a 80’s dance troop than an evil crew of killers. Plus all the scenes are the cheesiest and goofiest because the director who took over for Donner was a big cheesy goof ball. AND THE END OF THE MOVIE IS THE BIGGEST CLUSTER FUCK EVER! Superman more or less becomes a David Copperfield-esque magician by throwing his emblem saran wrap thing, making multiples of himself, and “tricking” the bad guys into defeating themselves. It’s the dumbest.

SUPERMAN III – Fucking awful. Makes NO SENSE. Superman is a rapist in the movie. And, well… isn’t that enough. It’s bad, it makes no sense, and Superman is rape-y. The villain is a guy who wants to control the Colombian coffee supply and … Richard Pryor who is one with computers in a way that Neo from The Matrix could only understand. It is bad.

SUPERMAN IV – Bad, but… I like the idea of the movie. Or the premise. I like that Lex Luthor makes his own Superman and sicks him on Superman. I like that. But it’s a fucking stupid movie. The final battle scene between the two Supermen is a good idea and flat out the best part of it is when the bad guy grows his nails out and scratches Superman’s arm. Legit, that happens. Grows his nails, scratches Superman until he draws blood. Fucking unreal.

SUPERMAN RETURNS – Stupid. This movie is legitimately a REMAKE of the first Superman with the premise that the first Superman movie already happened. What? Yep. Why? Who the fuck knows. Why REMAKE a movie with an almost identical storyline if you’re also going to set it in the world immediately following that other movie? IT MAKES NO SENSE. Stupid movie and Kal Penn doesn’t say a single word in the movie and I want to punch Bryan Singer for making this movie and me stupidly choosing to sit through it.

MAN OF STEEL – In essence, it’s a REMAKE of Superman and Superman II without the goofiness and replaced with lots of buildings being destroyed and lots of hand-to-hand combat. I really liked this movie. I thought Zack Snyder retold the origin story in a fairly concise way while making this Superman a fucking badass and making the villains truly badass as well. The CGI work is fucking unbelievable. It’s some of the best superhero fight sequences I think in any movie ever. There is plenty of stupidity in this movie, but not enough to derail the super train this movie is. I especially liked Zod’s right hand woman who was supremely badass in all of her action scenes. Great action movie while at the same time charting over very well worn territory. Can’t wait for the sequel.

SURROGATES – Bad. Bruce Willis makes way more bad movies than good movies. WAY MORE.

SWAMP THING – It’s fun to laugh at. I’ll say that. It’s obviously absurd and it’s worth a watch because these people tried to make a legitimate Swamp Thing movie. God bless ’em. Not a “good” movie, but as far as movies like “The Blob” or whatever B-movies – it’s not bad.

THE RETURN OF SWAMP THING – I don’t really remember this movie minus Heather Locklear looking hot. I’m guessing it is on par with the original in that it can be fun to watch and laugh at because there is no way you can take this movie seriously or should you.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT… – Whatever. I don’t think I saw these movies and I bet they sucked.

TANK GIRL – TERRIBLE MOVIE. Absolutely terrible. I don’t know what the comic is about or if it is any good, but the movie is unwatchable. But… I think they should reboot this with female MMA fighter Bec Hyatt. She’s Australian, she’s got punky hair, she’s got tattoos, and she is actually tough, so put her in a tank and start filming.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES – Amazing. This movie is amazing. I love the final action scene. I love the other action scenes. I love that they’re in huge rubber suits. I love Casey Jones. I love April O’Neil. I love that the Foot Clan are people and not robots. I also wish I was a member of the Foot Clan because you get all the free pizza, cigarettes, soda, arcade games, skateboarding you want… and you’re taught martial arts. Pretty fucking cool. You also might be beaten to death by the Shredder if you get cocky. Great movie. I just wish someone could re-record all of Corey Feldman’s voice work because I hate him and his voice.

TMNT II: SECRET OF THE OOZE – Awful. If you think I’m lying, rewatch a scene of that movie. It’s fucking annoyingly bad. It’s terrible.

TMNT III – Awful.

THOR – Stupid. I wrote a whole post about this as well. This movie was an insult. An insult to humanity.

TIMECOP – Didn’t know this was a comic book. Not one of JCVD’s best. It’s really only watchable if you can get to the one scene where JCVD is in his underwear in the kitchen and he does the jump split onto the countertop and the guy with the tazer shoots the tazer into the spilled pool of water and electrocutes himself to death while JCVD is just hanging out in a split on the countertop. That’s easily the best part of the movie. Also, the only part anyone remembers.

V FOR VENDETTA – Fucking great movie. I’ve watched this movie a dozen times and I always tear up a little when Stephen Rea asks Natalie Portman at the end who was he and she responds with a whole list of people. I’m a sap or a weird-o. Either way, fucking great movie. Can’t over emphasize how much I like this movie.

VAMPIRELLA – Didn’t see it. I can only imagine it is dreadful.

WANTED – I don’t know what to say about this movie minus it being bad. It has absolutely nothing to do with the comic book at all. This movie is about a league of assassins who are given their orders by a “loom of fate”, which is as it sounds a giant LOOM with threads that have people’s names of them that they have to kill. And they kill these people with these certain guns and they’re taught how to curve bullets that are fired from those guns with their mind. They also use these paraffin baths to cure themselves of wounds… ok, I’m going to stop there. Everything I mentioned from the loom to the league of assassins to the guns that curve bullets to the baths – none of that is from the comic book. None. 100% none. The comic book has nothing to do with the movie besides sharing a title and that the main character is an average guy who meets a woman who tells him he is more than what he knows and then is thrust into a world that he’s never known about previously and it has something to do with his dad. BUT… there is no loom of fate or curving bullets or any of that. The movie sucks. The comic book is marginally entertaining.

WATCHMEN – I really liked this movie. Even more so, I never thought a movie of this comic book could ever be made to my liking and they made one that I liked, so I liked it that much more. It’s one of my favorite pieces of literature in general this comic book, and the movie does a great job adapting it to be a movie and to be a movie that is watchable. The comic book is literature more than action, but the movie is more action than literature and it was an impressive feat by Zack Snyder to do that. I think Matthew Goode could have been recast but all in all I really enjoyed this movie especially because it was a good movie for a seemingly unadaptable comic.

WEIRD SCIENCE – Never read the comic book, but the movie was a favorite of mine growing up. Haven’t seen it in years. Can only imagine it is just as good as I remember it from my youth.

X-MEN – More bad than good. I like Ian McKellan … Sir Ian McKellan… but Magneto is a fucking beast and not an elderly quaint man. Also, Magneto isn’t British. Why on Earth does a Polish Jew who survived the Holocaust turn into a English Magneto? No idea. The storyline is meh. Hugh Jackman is cool as Wolverine, but not the Wolverine I would’ve pictured. Professor X is spot on. The rest of the characters suck. Cyclops is the worst and continues to be in these movies meanwhile he’s a fucking badass in the source materials. Cyclops is like Captain America but with optic beams. The movies made him a big pussy. Cyclops is a big pussy in these movies.

X2 – The opening with Nightcrawler was decent. The rest of it is like the first X-Men movie. A bunch of characters that they’ve fucked up like Rogue and some stuff from Wolverine and some crying from Cyclops. The end fight scene between Wolverine and Ms. Wolverine was ok. Not good enough for me to have actually liked this movie. It also gets much much worse when re-watched.

X-MEN: LAST STAND – Bad. I don’t think anyone is arguing with me on that. Minus the “I’m the Juggernaut, bitch” – the movie should be set on fire and forgotten by time.

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS – I liked the movie up until they were the X-Men. The X-Men stuff was kind of terrible. I liked all the beginning stuff and character building stuff with Magneto. I think Fassbender did a great job per usual being a psychopath. McAvoy was decent. The X-Men stuff was stupid. The end was meh. It definitely could have been a lot better.

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE – Preposterously bad. Beyond comprehension bad. The people who made this movie actively hated making this movie and it shows.

I haven’t seen THE WOLVERINE but by all accounts it is much better than a movie (Origins) that is one of the worst ever made, so it really had a high bar for itself. Also, the movie apparently falls apart with about a half hour left in it.

Those are the comic book movies. I’m sure you’re glad I’m done with this.

Hello, hello, hallo!

We’re going to continue this venture through the unsanitary waters of comic book films, but first…

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK!!!!

It’s good.

And, I’m not saying that entirely because of the amount of women’s nipples you are treated to. Because there are a lot of women’s nipples offered early and often.

Within the first 3 minutes of the show, you see former “That 70’s Show” star Lauren Prepon’s nipples, you see the protagonist Taylor Schilling’s nipples, and you are more than treated to the enormous boobs that also have nipples of side character Maurello – who you see topless at least 2 more times in the show as far as I’ve seen in 5 episodes.

Netflix is doing a great job thus far. “Arrested Development” season 4 – while not perfect, certainly a good show. “House of Cards” was definitely entertaining and engaging enough for Danielle and I to fly through that first season in about a week. Yesterday, Danielle and I nipple watched 5 episodes of the 13 for this show.

It’s made by the same woman who did “Weeds”, so it does feel a lot like “Weeds”. It’s got the same level of silly meets sad like “Weeds” had in its early seasons before it jumped the shark and became unwatchable. And where it’s not “Weeds”, it’s actually a lot like “Oz” as far as structure and not sodomy and dicks. If you never watched “Oz”, every episode focused on a character in particular where you learned something new about their past and that played into the episode’s current time period. Although, “Oz” was a lot more Shakespeare-ian with Harold Parrineau’s character (in a sense) talking to you the viewer about what one should expect from the episode and so forth.

For fans of “The Wire” especially season 2, there’s an absurd creep-o guard played by former Frank Sobatka’s nephew Nicky who is now sporting a ridiculous mustache and harboring about every perversion one can imagine.

So, there’s some comedy, a little drama, and lots of nipples. Can’t go wrong with that, right?

Back to the books… the comic books.

KICK-ASS – Great, great, great. Better than the comic book, in my opinion. I think it nailed what the comic was going for and was 100x more charismatic about it. The sequence where Kick-Ass first sees Hit-Girl in action literally slicing and dicing up human beings is bonkers and perfectly executed by the actors and director Matthew Vaughn. My favorite sequence in the movie is easily Nic Cage living out all his childish hopes and dreams by playing Big Daddy and his warehouse scene where he is basically Batman with a bloodlust. And the movie has a classic Cage scene where he’s screaming to his daughter Hit-Girl about what to do while he’s burning alive. Only Cage could have pulled that off.

And as far as the sequel? Don’t get your hopes up. Actually drop your hopes altogether. It’s the same actors, but actors are not what a movie makes or whatever. It’s the director. And the director is not Matthew Vaughn – it’s somebody else obviously and let’s just say that usually switch in directors like that doesn’t result in the best outcome… especially for movies like this. But who knows. We’ll see.

THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN – While not much like the comic book it is based off of, it’s not that… errr… it”s bad. Honestly, it is bad. It’s really bad. When I saw it for the first time, I thought it was bad, but I could have fun with it. Second viewing? Blech. It’s bad. And in comparison to the comic book, it’s way off the mark with what it should’ve been. The comic is much more serious, much darker, and has more nudity and blood. The comic book also has one of the most ridiculous and I personally think amazingly horrifying scenes where Mr. Hyde (of “Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde”) rapes to death the Invisible Man. That sounds awful and it is, but would it help anything if I said you actually don’t see the rape and that the Invisible Man is a bad guy in the comic books? Yay? Nay? The Invisible Man betrays the good guys and Mr. Hyde oddly enough is one of those good guys. There’s a sequence where he is walking around the mansion they’re in and is talking to himself, but is really talking to the Invisible Man, but the Invisible Man doesn’t think he can be seen, so he thinks Hyde is bluffing. Then Hyde reveals that since he is this animal monster that he is – he actual can see body heat and can see the Invisible Man’s body heat. This cuts to Hyde eating dinner at this long white table and the rest of the people come in and ask what he’s been up to and if he’s seen the Invisible Man and whatever. Anyway! As the dialogue proceeds, blood starts appearing on Hyde’s shirt then the table then the floor then the walls and he continues to eat the whole time. It’s that the Invisible Man is losing his ability to stay invisible as he is dying of his wounds in the other room and in then end Hyde is covered in blood, the whole room is, as well as the next room and … well… I thought that was pretty clever. Whatever. Sue me. The movie sucks.

THE LOSERS – Looked terrible. Looked so cliche too. I read reviews for this and most said it was terrible. The few that were positive were saying it wasn’t AS BAD as one might imagine. I guess if you’re imagining the badness of a cliche A-Team ripoff with terrible one-liners is going to give you cancer than it not giving you cancer is a positive.

THE MASK – Loved this movie when I was a kid. I tried watching it a couple years ago and all it was was YELLING! and LOUD NOISES! So, I wasn’t impressed. It’s quite adult for a kid’s movie and if you take a step back from the obvious – it’s kind of horrifying. Not really a good movie I would say though. It’s just not pleasant to sit through. I will say though Cameron Diaz looks fucking unbelievable in this movie. Especially, that first scene in the bank. She’s like the embodiment of sex in that first scene. So, they fucking nailed that.

And the dog is cute. We fucking loved Jack Russell terriers in the 90’s. Jack Russell terriers and blondes with tits and lips. Well, I guess that could be said for all decades. Well…

SON OF THE MASK – Didn’t see it.

THE MEN IN BLACK – Good movie. This movie was the biggest. I feel like everyone on Earth somehow saw this movie. Will Smith is great, Tommy Lee Jones is great, it’s got all the standard gags you would want in the movie and it’s fun for the family, right?

THE MEN IN BLACK II – Well… it’s really just a ripoff more than a sequel. Not as good.

THE MEN IN BLACK 3 – Didn’t see it. Couldn’t imagine seeing it.

MONKEYBONE – It’s got Brendan Frasier in it. Need I say more. Oh right, he’s talking to a cartoon character too. So, never see this.

MYSTERY MEN – People hated this movie. I saw it and thought it was … well bad, but not like the worst thing ever… but yeah, it’s bad. Decent enough premise with a bunch of less than stellar superheroes banding together to fight crime in their weird ways. It’s got a solid cast, but it’s just not good. Whatever.

OBLIVION – Didn’t know this was a comic book movie. This movie is the worst. After two hours of watching that movie, I was still wondering when it was going to get started. That movie was long, slow, and dull and made little to no sense. Also, it was tough to keep a straight face about how fucking dumb everything they did was. Seriously, all their decisions are stupid. I do not know how anyone sat through the dailies of this movie and didn’t think it was so awkward and slow and boring… oh wait! Tom Cruise. What I’m guessing, no one has final say over Tom and if Tom is cool with it than they’re cool with it. The movie sucks. The director sucks. Same guy who did Tron 2 which was so fucking terrible.

I will say I laughed A LOT at Oblivion and Tron 2. Laughed AT them and certainly not with them. I couldn’t stop laughing during Oblivion when Tom brings home another woman to eat dinner with his wife/co-worker on a planet that is supposed to be devoid of human life. I laughed my ass off at the racial purge storyline in Tron 2, which ended with Olivia Wilde being black. Also, there was that part where they recognized a guy a decade later because he held two of those rings at the same time, but couldn’t see his face. UGH! He’s the worst director!

THE PHANTOM – Remember Billy Zane? Right?! That’s a blast from the past. This movie sucks. It looks like a made for TV movie by the Disney channel and that’s not a good thing.

THE PUNISHER (1984) – Dolph! I think this is the best Punisher by far. It’s dark, it’s gritty, it’s Dolph, it’s set in New York City, and Dolph, and Dolph fighting a prostitute with a knife and DOLPH ANDX DOLPHADFASDF ADSODL DOLPH! Whatever. It’s not a good movie, but it’s better than the others.

THE PUNISHER (2004) – One good action scene. There’s the slapstick action scene of Thomas Jane fighting Kevin Nash in his apartment. That’s a decent scene. Outside of that, pretty unwatchable. About the only thing that is entertaining in this movie is that John Travolta is supposed to be Cuban and his sons are the most Cuban Cuban’s to ever Cuban. The movie is awful.

THE PUNISHER: WAR ZONE (2008) – Terrible. I tried sitting through this movie twice and didn’t succeed either time. The opening 10 minutes or so with Dominic West of The Wire-fame playing a New York mob boss was nails on a chalkboard listening to that cartoony accent he was doing. The action is over the top and it’s usually in a room with no light, so who the fuck even knows what’s going on. I was bored by it and annoyed by it. Brits playing New Yorkers with bloody but poorly constructed action scenes.

R.I.P.D. – Didn’t see it. Everyone hated it. Everyone has pointed out how it is the worst retelling of Men In Black anyone could imagine. So, there’s that.

RED – Didn’t see. Looks like “The Losers” but with old people.

RED 2 – Didn’t see. Looks like “The Losers” but with old people who have run out of ideas.

RED SONJA – That’s what I’m talking about! A great looking woman in a chainmail bikini killing people with a huge sword. While a brilliant premise, it’s pretty much a B-movie with boobs and hackey action. It’s Conan, but with woman’s boobs instead of Arnold’s man boobs. And honestly Arnold has much bigger boobs than Brigette Nielsen… BUT lucky for all of us, Arnold is in this movie too. So, it’s pretty much the Conan movie if you subbed Conan in for the blonde and the blonde in for Conan and called it Red Sonja. Not the worst thing in the world, right?

RICHIE RICH – Yeah, this sucked. BUT! I do have a somewhat funny anecdote about this odd movie featuring a family carving their Mt. Rushmore in their backyard with a laser cannon. I saw this movie at the old Westfield Cinema, which ceased to exist back in like 1996. That theater had no shame in letting kids into R rated movies or selling tickets to sold out shows. They also used to have weekly midnight screenings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Anyway, back to sold out screenings… I saw this movie during the middle of some Saturday with a friend and the movie was sold out. Beyond sold out. There were children and parents who stood, WHO STOOD, to see Richie Rich. That’s fucking dedication. I sat in a seat. Although, my friend sat on a step in the aisle. So, I guess I was Richie Rich that day, am I right?

ROAD TO PERDITION – Yep, it was a comic first. The 1930’s Tom Hanks gangster movie was great. There was some great stuff in this movie like Tom Hanks shooting people with a Tommy Gun and Jude Law being a fucking creepo sadistic killer weirdo and Daniel Craig being a cowardly weirdo and Paul Newman being a ball busting dad. Beautifully shot, simple story, some action, good acting. Good movie.

THE ROCKETEER – I don’t want to lie to you people, I don’t like this movie. I haven’t seen it in years, but I never liked “The Rocketeer”. I wanted to. I think the premise is fine, but I thought the movie was a bore and a chore to sit through and never enjoyed it. Whatever. I feel like chicks liked this movie more than dudes because it really tried to hammer home a lot of cheesy romantic shit. Whatever. Dude’s got a rocket, good for him.

I’ll finish this up tomorrow with S – Z.

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!

Hola, weekenders!

Danielle is sleeping in because she woke up sub-7 am this past working week and is now comatose in bed.

I am up and I am realizing I didn’t post on Friday, which was just a memory lapse moment.

Last night, Danielle and I did see THE WAY WAY BACK. I’ll probably talk more about it next week, but I did want to mention how much I disliked this paint-by-numbers, bore-athon of a movie. I found all the characters unlikable including Sam Rockwell who is being forced down our throats as being likable instead of just being likable. I didn’t understand why half to all of the movie was happening or unfolding the way it was. It was much more a depressing drama than a comedy. And the climax of the movie – which is one of the least exciting premises for a climax ever in the history of movies – actually happens off screen. So, that was stupid.

Whatever. The movie makes a billion times more sense if it was set in the mid-70’s instead of in current time and it also feels like a movie set in the mid-70’s as far as it feels like it is remaking a movie that originally was made back then with the “humor” still intact. And by and large it’s a kid’s movie that is depressingly adult and neither fun for kids or adults.

ANYWAY… go see “The Wolverine” like everyone else I guess. I heard the first hour plus is good for what people thought would be a shitty comic book movie and then the last 20 minutes is that shitty comic book movie they were expecting. Lots of Hugh Jackman shirtless though…

Let’s get back into this list…

THE FANTASTIC FOUR (1994) – I don’t think I’ve ever seen this, but it is supposed to be the worst and was kept from the world’s eyes minus the select few who have traveled to Mordor to procure it.

THE FANTASTIC FOUR (2005) – I wish they had done the same for this movie. It’s funny how people think the Avengers is really good and that a movie like this is really bad because they’re frighteningly similar. This movie sucks. About the only thing “good” in it is for people who are so devoid of human contact, you see Jessica Alba in her underwear for a split second and you see Chris Evans shirtless a few times. Outside of that, this movie is stupid.

THE FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER (2007) – This movie will forever be ingrained in my memory for housing one of the most insulting product placements in movie or life history… when Mr. Fantastic reveals the Fantastic Four space cruiser vehicle or whatever, on the leather headrests there is embroidered the Dodge Ram company logo which Johnny “The Human Torch” Storm excitedly replies to Mr. Fantastic, “Does it have a ‘hemi’?!”

WHAT THE FUCK?!!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I’ve never wanted to kill a human being more in my life at that moment. I wanted to find all those responsible for that scene and make Chris Evans and Ione Grufford or whatever his name is watch me butcher each and everyone of the people responsible for the reprehensible and motherfucking idiotic 5 seconds of film time. By the way, the rest of the movie sucks a fucking fuck ton… but… that ONE SCENE… seriously?!

What was that line of dialogue and those embroidered seats supposed to mean? Either Mr. Fantastic had a commercial truck manufacturer – specifically Dodge Ram – make a highly advanced interstellar cruiser for a set of superheroes … OR … Mr. Fantastic made his own highly advanced interstellar cruiser and then bought 4 Dodge Ram seats for it to finish it off… OR… Mr. Fantastic embroidered the seats himself because he loves fucking Dodge Ram that much.

As for the “hemi”? A hemi is short for a hemispherical shaped combustion chambers in an engine and that’s been a thing since the invention of the combustion engine and has been largely a marketing ploy for people who like the idea of a bigger/heavier engine that will cut down on your gas efficiency and is oft unused. AND DOES THAT MEAN THAT HE’S USING A FUCKING CHRYSLER ENGINE IN AN INTERSTELLAR CRUISER OR THAT HE’S USING TECHNOLOGY THAT WAS DEVELOPED IN THE 1900’S, GOT POPULAR THROUGH MARKETING IN THE 70’S AND HAS GONE WIDELY UNDERUTILIZED SINCE FOR GOOD REASON?! WHY THE FUCK?!?!!??!?!?!!?!?!?

I hate you, whoever made that scene. I hate you more than I hate most people who have ever existed.

FAUST: LOVE OF THE DAMNED – Honestly, I never saw this movie and I’d think there’s maybe less than 1% of the population of Earth that ever even heard about it. It was a horror movie with a heavy metal soundtrack and I bought said soundtrack once back in high school when I used to buy CDs all the time and there’s that. I’m guessing it sucked. The soundtrack was meh.

FROM HELL – Sucked. Classic sucking Johnny Depp movie. It was long and boring and it sucked. The comic book? I’ve heard that’s great. It’s one of the few Alan Moore comics I haven’t read. I saw the movie first and hated it and have put off reading the comic because of that. It’s also one of Moore’s longer graphic novels in that sense and honestly it’ll be good, but I doubt it will blow dick off. So there’s that…

GHOST RIDER – Fucking dumb. I didn’t like this movie. No one did like it, so I’m in good company on that. It was paint-by-numbers and dull. The special effects were average and the villains were ready to lose and be forgettable from the moment you meet them. Waste of time.

GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE – Well, I was told this movie is fairly unwatchable and makes no sense, which is exactly what I would expect from the people who made “Crank” and “Crank 2: High Voltage”. It looks terrible and Ghost Rider pees fire in the movie. Basically, if you’re not a simpleton 11 year old boy then you won’t like this movie.

GHOST WORLD – I know I’m supposed to like this movie, but minus the opening scene 7-11 scene (which Juno ripped off) I thought this was pretty bland. I guess it’s not bad for what it is, which is a bland movie about bland people living a bland existence and it’s a younger Thora Birch and younger Scarlett Johansson and Steve Buscemi being bland. They nailed all of that. Outside of that, it was underwhelming for sure and Scarlett disappears like 30 minutes into the movie, which was 90% of the reason I was watching the movie. I had seen “Lost in Translation” and now I was going back and seeing what else she did. I saw this. Got great reviews by indie blogger types and it was more or less one big shrug.

GREEN LANTERN – Sucked. I think we all know that. Do I have to say anymore than that? It sucked in a variety of ways that showed how stupid everyone who made that movie is? So, you hire Ryan Reynolds and you have him get in washboard abs shape. And you put a green spandex outfit on him, so you can… GREEN SCREEN ANOTHER GREEN SPANDEZ OUTFIT ONTO HIM! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD?! And then there’s the plot that is stupid and Peter Sarsgaard’s head and stuff.

HEAVY METAL – Doesn’t make much sense, but is pretty cool if you like 70’s style sexually explicit cartoons about the future, which has become barbaric. And I do, so I enjoy it. Although, it’s terrible at the same time. It’s similar to FIRE AND ICE, which I love and recognize for its awfulness as well.

HELLBOY – Good movie. The action is decent. It’s got some nice adventure qualities, but more than anything it’s a pretty funny movie. The characters are very well-introduced and dealt with throughout the movie. They blend into the movie seamlessly the way other comic book movies should, but don’t. And there are some genuinely funny and endearing moments in the movie. The end is kind of WTF, but it’s a good movie.

HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY – Bleh. It’s way too much CGI, it’s way too complicated for its own good, and it believes its bad guy is a million times more interesting than he is. Very similar to “Blade II” – same director and same bad guy actor. And in both movies, Guillermo Del Toro spends an inordinate amount of time on a villain who is basically the same character played by the same actor and it’s not interesting in either movie. And both movies are heavily CGI-ed which means their soulless and the movie suffers. Bad movie.

A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE – I never read this comic, but the movie is great. Through and through, it’s a great movie. It’s great as in it is a simple story that is delivered on. It’s great as in it is well-acted. It’s great as in the action scenes are graphic and memorable. It’s great because Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello 69 each other while Bello is in a high school cheerleader outfit. Yep. Let me repeat that in bold… Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello 69 each other while Bello is in a high school cheerleader outfit. Is there anything more amazing than that? Seriously, I’ve seen dinosaurs in movies before over and over again, but how many times have you seen someone – a happily married couple with children – 69 each other in a movie? Probably zero times if you haven’t seen this movie. Also, they have another sex scene, which kind of starts off as rape… yeah, it’s rape to begin with… but Bello gets into it and Viggo pounds her out against a set of wooden steps so badly that she has bruises afterwards. Can you see memorable movie?! BECAUSE I CAN. Oh yeah, and Will Hurt does the most ridiculous Russian accent ever for like 10 minutes.

HOWARD THE DUCK http://www.earwolf.com/episode/howard-the-duck-live/ … this movie is fucked up and I watched it many times as a kid and that’s probably why I’m fucked up. The people at “how did this get made?” do a great job talking about this movie, so please listen to that. By the way, this is as much George Lucas’ baby as Star Wars was, so there’s that.

HULK – Bad. The movie is bad and the villain is the US military. So, if you want to watch the Hulk in a post 9/11 world kill American troops then go ahead. Not sure why this movie was made, really not sure why this movie was made like a year following 9/11 when we were as patriotic as can be and we make a superhero movie where that superhero kills American troops and only American troops. Weird. Just weird. Also, the rest of the movie sucks. It’s an entire movie about not wanting to be The Hulk. So why the fuck am I watching this?

THE INCREDIBLE HULK – Another Hulk movie and another Hulk movie about the Hulk killing American troops. If you didn’t know… Hollywood doesn’t really “reboot” anything. There are a few examples of actual “reboots”, but by and large Hollywood ends up making the exact film they made the first time but with different people. So, this time the Hulk is played by Ed Norton and he still doesn’t want to be the Hulk and he’s still killing American troops and only American troops. The only cool thing about this movie is that Rickson Gracie is in it for one scene. He’s the guy in Brazil who does the breathing stuff with Norton in the beginning of the movie. Rickson Gracie is the greatest and fuck this movie.

IRON MAN – If you love Robert Downey Jr then you love this movie no matter what anyone says about how terrible the story is, how ridiculous it is that a man builds an Iron Man outfit with a flamethrower in a cave while being held prisoner by Al Qaeda, how the movie goes in a completely different direction 2/3’s into the movie, and how Gwyenth Paltrow defeats the end bad guy with a device that seems to only exist for that moment and Iron Man does shit besides luckily falling near that device. This movie sucked.

IRON MAN 2 – If you love Robert Downey Jr. then you love this movie no matter what anyone says about how terrible the story is, how ridiculous the scene is when Don Cheadle and Iron Man fight in Iron Man suits in the middle of a party of people and neither thinks about how they are easily going to kill everyone in the party but somehow they don’t and how that scene was completely unnecessary because RDJ was giving Don Cheadle the suit anyway and it was terrible, how the ‘funny’ dialogue wasn’t ‘funny’, how the entire storyline of these weapon conventions where they have their competitors show off their weapons at that convention doesn’t make any sense nor does the idea of famous weapon conventions makes sense like they’re fashion shows and I don’t even know where to start with how stupid all of that was or that the bad guy creates an Iron Man suit in a prison cell and how on Earth did he sneak said Iron Man outfit to Morocco and into a job at the track and blah blah blah… this movie is fucking awful… and, in the end, Iron Man and Don Cheadle shoot each other with these lasers and cause an explosion – which they think might kill themselves – which in the end only kills the bad guy and doesn’t kill them… how convenient.

IRON MAN 3 – If you love Robert Downey… you get it. I didn’t see this. But I heard Gwyenth Paltrow saves the day, which means she’s saved the day 2 times more than Iron Man has in the Iron Man movies. Iron Man has saved the day at best .5 times in 3 movies. Fuck this movie franchise. Fuck these movies.

JONAH HEX – Didn’t see it, but it is one of the worst reviewed movies of all time.

JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS – Didn’t know this was a comic. Um… I did see this. Um… at the time I thought this was like the hottest cast of chicks ever assembled. The movie probably sucked big time. I can’t really remember too much of what happened. But Tara Reid got gross not too much after this movie. Rachel Leigh Cook is M.I.A. and Rosario Dawson is a great looking woman who is in awful movies.

JUDGE DREDD – This was a very defining movie in my movie life. I was 11 and I saw this in the theaters with my Dad. He fell asleep. He fell asleep in a lot of movies. But I specifically remembered teenagers leaving the theater saying the movie sucked and thinking to myself that the movie did suck and that who knew a movie featuring Sly Stallone and explosions and robots and guns could suck? Apparently, everyone knew that and I was just learning that. Since then, I’ve seen the movie a bunch of times because it is a guilty pleasure of sorts. It’s over the top and bad, but it’s hilarious making fun of the movie and it is a fairly fun movie. And the climatic end scene is great with Sly fighting Armand Assante who is pretending to be Sly and Diane Lane is fighting an Asian chick and Rob Schneider is a computer whiz hacking this big robot and they’re in the head of the Statue of Liberty for some reason. I don’t know. Movies are crazy.

DREDD – Definitely good, but also bad. I would give this a solid C+. It had some really good moments and it had a lot of throwaway moments. I hope they make a sequel. If you’re bored and like action and you haven’t seen it and you want to see an R rated action movie… then see it. Besides that… it’s skippable.

So that was… F – J.

I said it.

I think we’ve all been saying it.

But it doesn’t seem to change the sheer optimism with which Hollywood or fans have when it’s announced another one is being made or when a first trailer hits the interwebs.

Hello, my little koala bears and chinchillas.

I HAVE GONE TO THE WIKIPEDIA! YES!!!!!

After many fretful nanoseconds of searching, I found a list – A LIST, I FOUND – with all the comic books that have become movies. And with this list – WITH THE POWER OF THE LIST – I am going to focus on English – DO YOU SPEAK IT, MOTHERFUCKER?! – language comics that have been adapted to English language movies.

Since there are a million of these… I’ll do it in sections… first #’s thru E…

30 Days of Night – Sucked. Not in the vampire way of sucking blood, but in the vampire way of almost every movie involving vampires sucks as a movie.

30 Days of Night: Dark Days – Didn’t see it. Can only imagine that a sequel to a bad movie is also bad.

300 – Good. If for the action alone. If for the amount of men’s boobs alone. Seriously, men have boobs. I mean we don’t have the tear drop, kind of eggplant boobs that I love and dream about all the fucking day and time of my life, but men have some boobs. Boobs with nipples. And both are shown with reckless abandon as well as slow-mo spear and sword fighting. Some of the movie isn’t good and with that I’ll also say the ‘source material’ isn’t good – for shame, a comic book isn’t good?! Yes. The comic by Frank Miller is entertaining to obvious and nothing special and yet the movie makes it feel like a fucking EPIC.

And there is a sequel for said movie coming out this year and it will suck… HARD.

Alien vs. Predator – Terrible.

Alien vs. Predator: Requiem – Terrible-er

I don’t remember which one it was of the two of them, but if you want to see a movie that does Twilight’s “imprinting” before Twilight did it then fucking watch one of those movies because the Predator IMPRINTS including a seared on tattoo on the cute black chick who survives. Twilight fucking stole from AVP. Amazing? U BETCHA YO ASS!

American Splendor – Great. Comic book? Yes. Superhero? No. Just a well acted comedy drama from Paul Giamatti.

Art School Confidential – Never saw it. Not a superhero movie, but it’s a comicbook. It got good reviews? No idea.

Avengers – Made more money than I will ever comprehend and yet it was a completely paint-by-numbers and plot-hole ridden experience of popcorn eating fluff. The best part of the movie is The Hulk smashing Loki and it’s the length of a standard gif and the rest of the movie is absolutely forgettable. Oh wait! I can’t forget it. FUCK! Hey Hawkeye, you know how you were put under a magical spell from a great wizard from a different dimension… oh wait, if I just smack you in the head you’re back to normal. Or what about that part in the movie where Thor tried to kill Captain America? Yeah. Great good guy there. Great morally corrupt murderous good guy there. He just fucking met the dude and then he is going to try and smash him to death with a hammer that he believes can really be stopped by nothing. Anyway… those are two random moments as opposed to be the big clusterfuck of all the stuff involving Loki and him wanting to get caught and the prison chamber thing that’s supposed to hold the Hulk, but can’t hold Thor and blah blah blah…

But I’ll say that a lot of people liked it and it made tons of money, so there you go.

Barb Wire – I’ve been entertained by this movie a few times and it’s a guilty pleasure in that regard. It’s a bad movie, but it’s a fun bad movie.

Batman – It’s good. It’s a very different direction on The Joker and the timeline of the movie is absolutely insane, but it’s an entertaining movie. Plus, fucking “Bat Dance” by Prince.

Batman Returns – Weird and fucking terrible. Catwoman is an actual cat. Penguin is an actual Penguin. We have to assume Batman is part bat, right?

Batman Forever – It has its moments. Mostly the moments involving Jim Carrey. It’s not particular good, but it’s fun.

Batman & Robin – I CURSE THEE! Fucking awful.

Batman Begins – Amazing.

The Dark Knight – Transcendent.

The Dark Knight Rises – FUCKING TEARS! Excellent movie. A superhero movie that brought people to tears. That absolutely never happens.

Blade – Great. Arguably, the best vampire movie. I’m not joking. The vampires are fucking vampires in this movie. They eat people, they’ve got super powers, they wear leather, they listen to electronic music. That’s all vampire shit right there. Not climbing trees and shimmering or whatever. And Wesley Snipes is at his best as an action star in this movie and as a comic book superhero action star. He does all the twirly whirly kicks and shooting two guns at the same time. The movie follows many classic vampire tropes and is a satisfying dark action film.

Blade II – Sucked. Ugh. Replaced all of Wesley’s natural kicking abilities with shitty CGI. Not good.

Blade: Trinity – It’s not as good as the first as far as action because they do add a fair amount of shitty CGI work in place of Wesley’s own martial arts choreography, but this is one of the funnier action movies of this type. Ryan Reynolds is fucking real likable in this movie and really jacked and beardy. Jessica Biel doesn’t have too much screentime, which would’ve been nice if there was some more of her. Doesn’t she take like the most thought provoking shower in this movie and fall asleep in the shower? I can’t remember. But who does that?! Unless you’re fucking drunk. I’ve fallen asleep in the shower drunk for like a split second.

Bulletproof Monk – Fucking bad.

Captain America: First Avenger – I liked it a lot. A lot of that has to do with the style of the action scenes and Hugo Weaving’s ability to play a convincing villain wearing a Halloween mask. Solid movie.

Catwoman – Sucked.

Constantine – I liked it. Francis Lawrence can make some pretty movies. That movie is wonderful looking through and through and the story is pretty well told. And who doesn’t love a movie where you get to see Shia LaBeouf just smashed to pieces. Great tone and seriousness. It felt a lot like the movie “The Prophecy”, which I also like a lot.

Cowboys & Aliens – Boring. Awful.

The Crow – My favorite. Love everything about this movie. Minus Brandon Lee getting killed, but you know … errr… I love that it’s almost all in black and white. I love the mix of scenes with action, martial arts, gun play, sometimes just straight-up fucking people up. A simple story that they nail. It’s got great music, one of the best rock soundtracks and original scores. Excellent tone and is easily better than the original source material, which doesn’t happen often.

The Crow: City of Angels – Could’ve been good. Wasn’t. There are a few scenes that could’ve worked or some ideas that could’ve worked, but they didn’t execute them well in the end. It’s also just random. I’m not sure if Iggy Pop is a bad guy or a good guy in this movie because he’s definitely a bad guy, but we pay reverence when he dies as if he was the good guy. It’s a weird movie.

The Crow: Salvation – I wouldn’t wish watching this movie on my worst enemy.

The Crow: Wicked Prayer – Didn’t see. Could only imagine it is torture.

Daredevil – Bad. It’s a very bad and weird movie. The first scene… the opening scene fight scene in the bar… it’s as if that scene is from a different movie entirely. What they try to do in that scene, they never try to do again in any scene after that scene. The movie doesn’t know if it’s supposed to be funny, CGI, wire work, gritty, sad, a romance, and instead does all of those things terrible. I will say, I’m not like a huge fan of that first bar action scene, but that movie could have been a much better movie. I feel like 8 different directors had their hands on this movie and none of them should have been within a 10 foot pole from it.

The scene where Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner playfully fight on the balance beam is akin to the Holocaust in my opinion.

Elektra – Wow. This was worse. You would think Daredevil was bad, until you see Elektra and you don’t even know where bad begins. Although, I can’t think of another movie that has as good of a scene where a lady slashes at curtains for no apparent reason. Oh wait! That was fucking terrible and they shouldn’t have ever filmed that. EVEN FUNNIER! If you have seen Daredevil… you see Elektra die in that.

Hello to you! AND YOU! AND YOU!!!

Well, I’ve been fumbling around the internet this morning and my care for “royal baby” news or Amanda Bynes news or Carlos Danger news is at an all-time low. I sincerely couldn’t care any less about these people or what they do. And, the stuff with the San Diego Mayor is too creepy just because of his face alone that I can’t even dare to think or write about it. INSTEAD…

Who doesn’t love thinking about THE JACKMAN? Seriously, even mentioning Hugh Jackman in a sentence in a sentence worth smiling about.

To say, I’m not a fan of Hugh Jackman would be ridiculous. I’m a fan of the man as a human being. As a living breathing, human existence – I’m a fan.

His acting? I’m not not a fan. It’s not him that I don’t like. I like him. I do! But I generally don’t like the movies he’s in. I don’t really know how I continue to like him so much as a person or physical entity for a person I do not know in real life and have zero anecdotes about, while at the same time I’m usually meh on the movies he makes.

WITH ONE HUGE EXCEPTION!

I love “The Prestige”. And I think he’s great in it.

ERRRRR!!!!!!!! Two exceptions…

I really liked “The Fountain”. And thought he was great in that.

So, that’s two movies of about 30.

You know he was good in “Les Miserables”, but I really didn’t love that movie overall and the parts that I liked best – he wasn’t in. The “red and black” song was my favorite part of the movie and the solo by Anne Hathaway about her dreaming a dream like Martin Luther King and so forth was better than any part that the Jackman was apart of.

Honestly, I don’t like any of the “X-Men” movies. I think they’re entertaining at times, but overall I think they fail more characters than succeed and the storylines are flimsy. And truthfully, I would much rather watch “Swordfish”, which is pretty terrible, than any “X-Men” movie because it’s absurd and Halle Berry gets topless in that and wears a lot of sexy underwear instead of her eyes going cloudy once every hour.

But there’s something about JACKMAN that is so likeable. I think that you can tell he has talent or that he’s talented or that he could be excellent in something… if only someone would let him off this leash of mediocrity and shitty comic book movies. With that being said, he’s got “The Wolverine” coming out Friday and he’s in the next “X-Men” movie coming out next year. He’s got years and years of playing Wolverine left in him. He’ll play Wolverine more times than any actor ever played Bond soon enough. Or maybe he’s actually done it. He’s appeared in 7 movies as Wolverine… X-Men, X-Men United, X-Men Last Stand, Origins, X-Men First Class, The Wolverine, X-Men Days of Future’s Past… anymore? That’s crazy.

Let’s learn a thing or two about the JACKMAN just because he’s fucking likable enough to know random trivia about and later when you use it in a conversation with strangers at a bar that you’re trying to have genital on genital contact with there won’t be a grown, but a smile when you tell it. Like if you told a piece of trivia about Miley Cyrus, no matter how positive it is, people will grown. Just the mention of her… ugh. Anyway, not so much with JACKMAN! People will be open to hear about this trivia and later will be more open to the idea of you rubbing your penis or vagina or both on their penis or vagina or both or butthole.

Ok? OK!

For Sunset Boulevard (as Joe Gillis), he won a Variety Club, a Mo and a Green Room Award as best male actor in a musical. He was nominated for a Laurence Olivier Award in 1998 as Curly in the Royal National Theatre’s Oklahoma!.

See? He’s talented! You just have to find him on a stage instead of on a movie screen to see it.

Adopted a son, Oscar Maximillian Jackman, in May 2000 (b. 15 May 2000).

FUCKING THERE YOU GO! Dude’s got a heart of gold and a brilliant mind for picking out baby names. That kid is going to grow up to build a fucking hotel on the Moon. Oscar? Oscar Maximillian?! Oscar Maximillian JACKMAN! Kid is going to be huge! And he’s 13 and I’ve never even heard of him. Not like that stuck-up Suri Cruise, am I right? I’m not. I love Tom Cruise and thus I love his progeny. DAYS OF THUNDER 4 LIFE!

Chosen as one of People magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful People in the World” 5 years in a row, 2000-2004.

BOOM! Fuck movies.

He was a last-minute addition to the X-Men (2000) cast. Dougray Scott was originally cast as Wolverine, but Mission: Impossible II (2000) required two extra months of shooting.

This was the first thing I knew about JACKMAN. That big-headed – literally – actor Dougray was supposed to be Wolverine. I’m not too into how they portray Wolverine in these X-Men movies, but it could be a lot worse. A lot worse without JACKMAN.

According to the comic books, Wolverine stands 5-feet-3-inches in height. Jackman, who plays Wolverine, stands a whole foot taller than his character.

There you go. Fucker is tall. I still got an inch on him though.

While filming Van Helsing (2004), he accidentally broke an extra’s hand.

JACKMAN is dangerous. Watch out when JACKMAN is around.

His parents separated when he was eight. His mother then moved back to England. His father, an accountant, brought up five children, by himself. The first 18 months of Hugh’s life were spent with his godparents.

There you go! That’s some trivia. Son of an accountant and, now, look at him! WOLVERINE! Imagine your kid grew up to be Wolverine. That’s an accomplishment. Better than a fucking doctor or lawyer or what have you. I mean there are thousands of those people, but how many Wolverine’s are there.

In the X-Men movies, he plays Wolverine; in Van Helsing (2004), he goes after a monster called The Wolfman.

Not trivia at all. That’s actually fucking stupid. IMDB?! Are you drunk? Go home!

He is terribly near-sighted and has extremely blurry vision when he isn’t wearing contacts. Even when hosting the Tonys and “Saturday Night Live” (1975), Jackman memorized almost everything he had to say so he wouldn’t have to struggle to read.

Boom! We’ve got his weakness! Medium to long distance sans contacts. Now, we know how to destroy him if he ever goes rogue and starts breaking extras’ hands again.

Once said in an interview with Jay Leno that he is a fan of the “Friday The 13th” film series, and he became an actor because he wanted to play Jason in one.

Wow. Low bar.

Was listed as a potential nominee on the 2005 Razzie Award nominating ballot. He was listed as a suggestion in the Worst Actor category for his performance in the film Van Helsing (2004). However, he did not receive a nomination.

See! People like this guy. They like him so much they don’t want to kick him when he’s down. That a good quality to have. Most other celebrities don’t.

Expressed great fondness for the comic book character Superman. Ironically, Superman is owned by DC Comics, the rival company of Marvel Comics, which owns X-Men and Wolverine.

Not ironic.

Not even a coincidence.

Just a thing.

He admitted after X-Men (2000) that it was difficult to summon up the rage and darkness necessary for the character of Logan/Wolverine and it took weeks of work with Bryan Singer to find the right tone for the character. After that, however, it was relatively easy for him to play the angry character.

I’m telling you – watch your hands around this guy. He’s friendly, but you don’t know what’s going to set him off and we know his favorite targets.

Has started his own movie-production company, Seed Productions, with his friend John Palermo. The first films they will be producing with this company are X-Men: The Last Stand (2006) and the Wolverine spin-off.

Ugh. Might want to close the doors on that company. May have already for all I know. I wonder if it was someone within his own company who leaked shitty “Origins” online before it came out.

Adopted a girl, Ava Eliot Jackman (b. July 10, 2005), in July 2005.

Heart of gold.

Was school captain during his final year of high school, a school also attended by Australian actors Adam Garcia, Andrew Johnston, Reg Livermore, and Hugo Weaving; writer Stuart Beattie; and radio host John Laws.

Not sure who most of those people are, but Hugo Weaving is the fucking bomb. He’s the best and should’ve been nominated for Oscars for like everything he’s done. Dude made a fucking solid character out of a guy in a red latex skull mask. Incredible.

His two children have playtime sessions with Rupert Murdoch’s younger children in New York.

Ugh.

Had to take stunt-driving classes to prepare for his role in Swordfish (2001).

He should’ve taken re-writing classes to fix some of the shit in that script. And what the Hell was with that wine drinking/hacking code scene? Has anyone in Hollywood ever used a computer?

He had never seen an episode of “Saturday Night Live” (1975) until he agreed to host the show. The producers sent him tapes of episodes so he could understand the format of the show. He later said that his favorite was the one hosted by Conan O’Brien.

That must’ve been an experience. I wonder what they sent him in total. If it was all more recent stuff then he probably went in there with the biggest boner of confidence. I remember watching Annette Benning host a few years ago (Why? Who the fuck knows why they chose Annette Benning to host a variety comedy show) and she was legit just reading from the cue cards line by line without looking at any cast member or object she was supposed to be futzing with. A dead Annette Benning would’ve been as compelling on SNL as the alive one was.

Often his wife and, sometimes, members of his family stay with him while he is shooting on location.

That’s trivia?

Hugh’s parents were English immigrants to Australia. One of Hugh’s paternal great-grandfathers, Nicholas Isidor Bellas, was Greek.

Well, aren’t they all “English immigrants” to some extent in Australia? I don’t know.

Wants to produce and star in a film based on the life of “The Incredible Hulk” (1978) actor Bill Bixby.

Hey, JACKMAN, just wait your turn. The first two Hulk movies have failed, so if you just ride this Ruffalo out, you can probably be Hulk next.

Upon meeting Olivia Newton-John (John Travolta introduced the two while he and Jackman were filming Swordfish (2001)), he confessed to her that under his desk in elementary school, there was a poster with Newton-John on it, and he would kiss the poster every day.

Did he do this while slowly gyrating his hips and licking his lips? Or was John Travolta the only one doing that?

Under his desk? Was the little JACKMAN dipping down under the desk each day to kiss that poster? I don’t know how Australia plays it, but in America you would get your ass kicked daily for shenanigans like that.

Was considered for the role of Harvey Dent/Two-Face in The Dark Knight (2008). The part went to Aaron Eckhart, instead.

I could see that.

Hugh was cast straight out of drama school playing Kevin Jones in a 10-part drama series aired on Australia’s ABC called “Correlli” (1995), which was the original creation of actress Denise Roberts, who is also the principal director and CEO of Screenwise, Australia’s leading film & TV school for actors in Sydney, Australia.

I bet that chick wanted to fuck him.

Close friend of Liev Schreiber.

If I could I would too.

I feel like if I was hanging out with Liev Schreiber I would never stop smiling. He’d make me smile and then Naomi Watts would make me smile and then I would simply pass out about an hour in because I would forget to breathe from all my muscles focused on the smiling.

He undergoes intense physical training each time he’s played Wolverine. When in peak physical condition, he can bench press well more than 300 pounds.

Braggart.

Hugh credits his good friend Russell Crowe with catapulting his career into super stardom. After Crowe turned down the lead in X-Men (2000), he personally recommended Jackman to director Bryan Singer for the part.

Being friends with Russell Crowe would also rule although I would constantly be thinking about his incredibly pro stance on foreskin and how unnerving that is. Who is THAT pro foreskin that they tell people? That’s something you just secretly live your life by. Sure, we’re all comfortable talking about how big or thick you like a dick, but not the foreskin part. That’s just inappropriate dinner conversation.

And… lastly…

In April 2013, a woman Jackman had noticed hanging around outside his Manhattan apartment building ended up finding him at his Greenwich Village gym and throwing her electric razor at him, screaming “I love you!” The 47-year-old woman was arrested shortly thereafter.

TRIVIA!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I know nothing more about Hugh Jackman than I did previously, but I feel happier.

Don’t you?

%d bloggers like this: